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the tree that was once there
is no longer
the bond i have with others
has not grown stronger
things change quicker than i can blink
and my least favorite hobby is to think
i wonder if i'll ever get over
those no longer
just like the tree
that was once there
Dec 2021 · 29
how long
my heart is heavier than it’s ever been
i’m wondering if healing will ever began
i go back and forth, up and down
and i’m wondering if i’ll ever come around
Aug 2021 · 84
i’m bad at healing
i try to live on
take pictures of the sky
but truth be told i loved him
and no one but me will know why
Aug 2021 · 214
knowledge of YOU
when will be the right time to say
“i know who i am”
and mean it?
Jul 2021 · 307
battle of balance
in the end
what will i fear most,
being hurt?
or never being truly understood
Jun 2021 · 286
out of rhythm
when will my heart stop beating
in all the wrong directions?
Jun 2021 · 51
hate is a strong word
i say i hate myself
but honestly
there’s no one i’d rather be
Jun 2021 · 58
safety II
safety might not be
in the places i once thought
Jun 2021 · 454
safety
finding safety again
can be harder than it seems
Jun 2021 · 65
please don't go
please don't go
i know that everybody has to grow
but please don't leave
i really don't want to grieve

please don't go
we could take it slow
you were my very best friend
and i'm not ready for that to end
Jun 2021 · 170
intimacy
intimacy is your greatest fear
but distance is mine
i wonder why you don't want to hold me near
i guess you're just too afraid to share your mind
i guess we are all afraid of something
Jun 2021 · 557
family
why must i be bonded to something
that causes me so much pain?
family is so hard ugh
Jun 2021 · 388
unlinear
every time my heart aches
i will say a little prayer for you
Jun 2021 · 316
feelings are messed up
i will never let anyone see the worst of me
because the one time i did
they left
May 2021 · 66
i will always care
my fear
is that no one will ever care
like i do
May 2021 · 54
hold on
i will cling to what is real
authentic moments will not be replaced
my greatest disappointments
are also my greatest qualities
so i will hold on
and maybe one day someone will hold on too
May 2021 · 255
endless cycle of effort
i’m tired
of fighting so **** hard
for the happiness
that everyone tells me i deserve
May 2021 · 58
saturn.12
i feel lost
but have i ever been found?
May 2021 · 42
endlessly existential
forever lost in the vastness of my mind most every word it utters is unkind
unsure if processing is the right process
only time will show, i guess

a sense of meaning i hold in my heart
it was there right from the start
with whom i will always relate
will i ever be understood for this state?

my mind felt infinitely understood
as much as it seemed it could
for a mere five minutes
hopefully it will again, to the finish
will anyone understand my brain again?
May 2021 · 43
saturn.11
i will not completely crumble
but i will not become any less
of who i am
if i sunk into nothing
would anybody care?
i just wish i could be something
could this darkness let me up for air?

the world feels like an illusion
and i know i sound crazy for that
i’m sitting in a cloud of confusion
letting it out here, is where i’m at
it’s weird to let your heart out to strangers
May 2021 · 204
unexplainable
everyone seems to see
a dimmer version of meaning
than i do
it’s starting to mess with me
May 2021 · 49
saturn.10
life’s just an illusion
until you lose the one
you are fantasizing with
May 2021 · 43
dictator thought
when the stories
i repeat in my head
became my own
that was the day
i lost control
May 2021 · 49
end of a day
pushing back all day
on the feelings you wish
would all go away

tied back and kept
the only way to cope?
a state that almost feels trapped

at the time the sun may sink
maybe it’s time to let go
let your heart find the link

it’s almost relieving
a sense of detachment
who are you deceiving?

understandable to only one
but still perplexed
this, maybe only just begun
May 2021 · 134
saturn.9
it’s time to find me
go back to the place i once was
become the person
my younger self would be proud of
trying my best to heal
May 2021 · 190
comfort in the sadness
comfort in the sadness
a lonely shelter of blue
a blanket of feelings
that is never torn
a space to feel
will i ever know a difference?
May 2021 · 39
should i?
is it time to let go
of the me that i have known
all my life

it might be necessary
to prevent anymore pain
heartbreak is an option, right?

emptiness seems dramatic
but not anymore than feelings
i don’t know what to do

is it time to let go of the me
that always causes harm
more than the good
May 2021 · 50
unhealed
i loved too hard again
but i thought this would last
i will always remember what you said
it’s so hard to move past the past

what i’d give to be apart of
your world the way i used to be
give me five more minutes, love
see me the way you did before, please
May 2021 · 135
saturn.8
what hurts most
is loving with all of your being
and still not being enough
May 2021 · 157
this is not permanent
this is not permanent
this feeling
this aching of my broken heart
remind my self everyday
this is not permanent
May 2021 · 49
saturn.7
she felt the wind in her hair today
and her drive made her feel something
roads winding every which way
who knows the destination they will bring
May 2021 · 48
saturn.6
she goes through each day
clinging to the hope that things
will get better
because what else is there to cling to?
now
Apr 2021 · 44
saturn.5
today
she felt slightly okay
and who knows how long
it will last
but we will embrace it
for now
i acknowledge
that i am in pain
and though guilt holds me hostage
i will not give myself all the blame

why is it harder to love myself?
than the one that makes my soul soar?
i guess i’ll have to be kind to me as well
but this will be harder than before
Apr 2021 · 60
saturn.4
finding life and meaning
despite a broken heart
Apr 2021 · 37
musings of saturn pt. 2
this does not feel like the natural state
of a human, or do they all come like this?

enclose your wrists as you enclose your heart
for they both have scars that no one cares to see

what is your hope? or do you even know?
clustered is your brain, when you try to use it

learning is a curve but
when does the path look straight again?
this was written awhile ago, but the words are still very much relevent
Apr 2021 · 101
musings of saturn pt. 1
she felt a deep longing in her chest
it's ache was greater than any ocean
and it's sharp stabbing pain
did not know the word "end"

it followed her closely
never leaving her side
some may say it was a friend
she would not

where is the opening
to the vastness of hearts?
or a better question might be
"where is the closing?"
this might have a different name later, but for anyone who is wondering who "saturn" is, well, i'll just keep that to myself for now
Apr 2021 · 35
saturn.3
she wished she could love herself
without constantly trying to change
who she really is
Apr 2021 · 156
saturn.2
deep down she was broken
beyond repair
from what was
and what could’ve been
Apr 2021 · 20
saturn.1
her heart was bigger than most
or at least she thought so
feelings she wished to be a ghost
but that’s unrealistic, she should know

inside looking out
or outside looking in
either way, a new route
why not now, not when
a new series?? possibly. a new coping mechanism?? yes.
sunken, weary eyes
creases of pain
cannot begin to diguise
every gray stain

cracked, aching place
used to be filled with love
a memory i cannot face
every good thing shoved

i'm not sorry for how much
i loved you
my heart was fully touched
now, couldn't be fixed with glue
a time where i don't know where else to put my thoughts
Apr 2021 · 30
goodbyes
i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
my shoes coming untied

anticipating an absence
always throws off my balance
then my heartstrings come unraveled
with these tears i must battle

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
believing all these lies

will there ever be a day
where i can smile and be okay
to say a hello with a happy sigh
and never worry about saying goodbye
Apr 2021 · 424
so long, yet not
i will not forget the time
you told me i was worth it
because now it may seem like a lie
back then, i really believed it
pain is a delicate and complicated feeling
Apr 2021 · 40
it's just my heart
another evening falls to rest
and i still don't miss you any less
i hope things are well for you
and maybe you think of me sometimes too

a lot has happened indeed
a problem that seems to never unravel
but i do hope someday we see
it wasn't a distance too far to travel
Apr 2021 · 199
a quality im trying to love
stop hating yourself
for loving more
though it hurts

it is the greatest gift
you will ever recieve
Apr 2021 · 37
untitled in my heart
ever since you left
i have felt the weight of my heart
completely like a brick

unexpected endings
have never sat right with me
was it all just pretending

i try to redirect my mind
but my God, i loved you
and i still do, all of the time
i never thought i would write this one, but here we are
you know that feeling
that main characters have
when they find themselves
and it’s like
the most significant moment of their life?
i feel like i’ve spent my whole life waiting for that moment
maybe
the answer
isn't to escape
my own head
but
learn to love
and know it
as your own
im starting to try to find the fragments of healing that everyone keeps talking about. i fear i will always feel as deeply as i do, but maybe i can feel the joy, peace, and love, just as deeply
Apr 2021 · 30
a longing something
let your heart long
for what you don’t have
experience what you want
feel as you do
but some day, try to find peace
with what you don’t have
ive been reading so much about enneagram 4 and i feel so seen and so hidden at the same time. i think that's how it is supposed to feel, but it's strange.
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