I came across a site called "Hello Poetry."
It made promises of sweet words — heavenly.

I tiptoed my way inside,
tired of the world,
with a heavy heart and a heavy mind.

But then I read and read and read;
I read about love, about ruin, about dread.

I read of the pain, I read of the thoughts
of different bodies, of different minds, of different souls.

I came in with my hands empty;
I leave with passion — plenty.
I found it at the right time,
with my heart hollow,
when even love felt like a tough pill to swallow.

I leave now with my own stories
about the words of others,
strangers across the world,
now my round table, my counsel,
a new life — unfurled.

(I wrote this just after I read a couple of poems that really made my perspective shift about different things that we commonly struggle with life. All of them were so beautifully written, I felt so heard and I felt like I was already a part of a community)

I earned this status in a very vulnerable and upsetting moment in my life.

Of course, it was exploited and took advantage of. Me.

I served as an inside joke, a clown for others to get a kick out of, free use and laughter for others.

All whilst patronising me! I was oblivious. This, accompanied by other hardships, continued for a ruthless and renting four years, until it ceased.

The joke had gotten old, and they let me be.

More or less, this goes to show what true reality is like. Vulnerability is what monsters prey after! Like a shark huffing the scent of blood underwater, they prowl.

Am I the way I think, the way I dress,
Or the way I speak?
Or am I defined by the way
I broke my own heart through rotten adversities?

Am I kind, am I bitter, or am I stuck in between?
Does everyone remember the ways I hurt them
Or the ways I healed?
Am I shaped by my destiny
Or by the paths I carve myself?
Will I make a difference,
Or will my life just quietly pass?

Am I the things I hate, am I the things I love?
Am I the things I do, or the things I think of?
Am I the words I write or the scenes I paint?
What happens if I stay? What happens if I go?

When they look at me, do they see a face or a heart?
Am I the way I spurn or the way I laugh?

Am I this? Am I that?
I am a thousand things,
everything plays a part.

The art of not caring does not come easily to me
I constantly think about who I am and who I ought to be
I could think all day about what was and what’s about to come
I have spent days stuck in my thoughts,
there have been days when I got nothing done

The art of not caring is hard to master
I just spent hours thinking if I’m too slow,
should I go faster?

I care a lot, I care too much
About things too trivial and things too big,
I think about everything.
The spots on my face, the shape of my teeth.
The dress I wear, the way I speak.

I am in the middle of caring as I write this,
I heard someone talk on the phone,
They got the best paying job, with the best team, with the best firm.
I saw someone else post a picture about a party
someone was out on lunch with a friend,
I see everyone finding someone who cares about them

I sit here caring about things wondering if it’ll ever be any different.  
I care about myself, I care about my friends and I care about the world
In exchange, I get a feeling that I might be a loser.
I paint things nobody sees, I write words nobody reads,

I dread what I do, I dread what I don’t
I feel like I am always falling behind, I don’t even know what I want
The art of not caring is something I should learn
I would be happy with a B, I don’t need an A
If I carry pieces of caring too much with me,
I would be okay.

As much as I care about if I care too much,
and I want to let that go,
As much as I want to care less,
As much as I want to be someone else,
I hold on to it,
I keep caring.
It has taken me this far, It has stuck by me.
Maybe I was born with the art of caring deeply,
Maybe it will take me places meant for me.
Maybe I will live differently.

I don’t quite feel like myself.
I see it in everything I do.
I read the books I never do.
I enjoyed the songs I never do.
I just took notes about things I am averse to

I don’t quite feel like myself.
I smiled at something that made me upset
I didn’t have food when I was hungry,
I slept more than I usually do.

I cried when I usually don’t
I bailed on on my work when I usually don’t
I looked at old pictures and I felt nostalgic
I took the wrong bus on my way home

I don’t quite feel like myself
I see it in everything I do
I had brussels sprouts and I liked them
I had kale and I liked it too

I put on a show I liked
But I did not pay attention like I used to
I put on dull outfits,
I did not use colors like I normally do

I don’t quit feel like myself,
I don’t know for how long it will last
I don’t quite feel like myself,
I keep looking for happiness in the past
I canceled all my plans
I put on my favorite song but I didn’t sing or dance
I opened up a notebook to write
I started a new show and a book
I started looking for myself
In different corners and nooks
I don’t quite feel like myself, I feel like a crook
But maybe someday I will, who’s to say
Until then, I will learn to be okay