i used to write poems about
how lonely i was,
how i thought no one loved me.

and now,
i'm getting married.
i've found my forever

the anxiety has gotten worse,
but you're still here.
the chai from the library *****,
the chai from the student center also *****.
it makes me sad. it's very milky,
i'm lactose-intolerant.
i don't know why the chai *****,
but i do know that one full year of loving you
has felt like mere moments

sitting across from you in this quiet library
while we do homework,
i look at you and wonder-
how did i get so lucky to be loved by you?
6 months ago you asked me out.
6 months of pure happiness and love,
6 months of never once questioning if you do love me,
only knowing that you do.
and now, we look forward to the rest of our lives,
together.
loving someone has never been easier,
it's like second nature,
as simple and innate as breathing.
your fluffy brown curls,
stunning hazel eyes,
and adorable silver and navy glasses;
unparalleled intelligence,
kindness, goofiness, dorkiness,
lovability- my golden retriever boy.
you always take care of me,
especially when my adhd and anxiety get bad,
and i always take care of you,
especially when you're tired and dehydrated.
i love you

some of the most beautiful words
you've ever spoken to me
were about my eyes.
you said that they reminded you
of the waves crashing against the shore
on a perfectly calm night.
i've never been described like that before

every night,
you walk me back across campus.
and every night,
we sit in the back corner of the lobby,
by the laundry room,
where the vending machine sits,
and talk for at least an hour.
and we talk about
everything.
the big things,
the little things,
the easy things,
the stressful things.
and we both listen and talk.
hearing one another,
loving one another,
simply being there for one another.
the minutes and hours slip by,
and suddenly it’s 2am-
reminiscent of the first night
that we actually hung out,
i sat next to you talking until 7am,
fully knowing i was to work
an 8 hour shift that day.
and ever since that moment,
i have fallen even deeper
in love with you,
every single moment
of every single day.
i am finally comfortable enough
with myself
and
in my own skin,
that i, for the first time,
love sharing my life with someone.
we can talk about the serious things,
and 20 minutes later, segue into
being very goofy together. and
it feels so natural
and normal
and right.

caught in this grief
i've never felt before
unsure of how to react,
i do what i can to stay afloat.
unprecedented stress and anxiety,
overwhelming situations,
too much to handle on my own.
thank you for never leaving my side

dropping your class was
the best choice i ever made

there is such a peace
that comes with being
near you.
i have never felt such
love and adoration
from a singular person
ever before.
and i know that i will
never be perfect,
i won’t even try to be.
and i will never truly be able
to show you how much
i love you.
but i will spend the rest of my life
showing you.
and i know things won’t always
be easy or good,
but i am willing to make it work
no matter what it takes.

and do not doubt me
because i am young.
i am not yet twenty
yet i am sure of this:
you are my one and only,
always and forever.

every night i douse
my essence and body
in lavender oil
to try and help calm
my adhd
just enough so
i can fall asleep,
and the melatonin
helps keep me asleep

how refreshing it is
to not feel like i need to
put on a snapchat filter
on my face whenever i
send a photo to you.
im finally happy enough
and confident enough
with how i look that
im not afraid of showing
my natural skin or sending
bad photos.
youve seen me look so many ways-
from the moment i wake up,
to going on a date with you,
to every good and bad look in between.
i love that im not afraid of
my own face anymore

i cannot tell you
how good it feels
to finally be
someones
first
choice

i will never know how or why
he loves me, but he does.
he is the kindest, sweetest guy
i have ever met.
he is genuine, talented, smart,
caring, honest, hard working,
funny, supportive, and
the best kisser.
he loves me despite my anxiety,
despite my recently diagnosed adhd,
despite my past, despite everything.
i don't quite understand, i probably
never will, but that's okay.

nearly two years.
you had hold of me
for nearly
two
years.
you kept my mind and my heart captive
while i tried to run away.
thank god i'm finally
over you.
you never quite let me drift too far.
moving two and a half hours away,
for college,
was the best decision i ever made.
it let me drift even further and finally
be okay enough to let go completely.
it let me fall in love with another.
it let me live my best life.
thank you for staying here so i could go
so i could let you go.

what a semester it's been.
it feels like i have been swept up in
a tornado and taken to another world
just like dorothy and toto.
it's crazy how a single decision
can tumble and grow into something
far bigger than i ever imagined.
how going to an audition in july
led me to falling in love with a boy
from the marching band.
staying up until 7am talking, a kiss or two,
and the rest is history.
the most startling part of the whole story
is that he likes me too.
i know i'm in the right place,
it feels to perfect to be real, but alas
it's real.
it's perfect, and it's real

the cement was poured over the dug up earth,
but despite all efforts to prevent its growth,
one very determined little flower cracked the cement
and bloomed in the concrete jungle it was born into.

good morning to those who don't realize how stressed they are until they unclench their jaw to speak.
to those who wake up late and still get there on time, to those who wake up early and still get there late.
good morning to those who forgot to go to bed, to those who went to bed as soon as they got home, and those who work the night shift.
good morning to those who wake up before the sun rises, to those who work longer hours than the body is meant to,
and those who believe sleep is a luxury they can't afford.
good morning to everyone who secretly loved pink but couldn't say because it was cliché.
good morning to everyone who was always described as eclectic and/or weird, to those who look back at old photos and videos and cringe, and to those who love their old photos.
to the ones who still haven't found their style or aesthetic.
and good morning to you, because you deserve to have a good day.

many big changes are occurring:
changing jobs,
moving out,
starting college,
etc.
i come and go frequently,
although never quite staying in
one place for too long.
sometimes getting too
comfortable
can be scary

here i am,
nearly a year and a half later,
and I still experience the feeling of
heartbreak
almost every day because of you.
so, thanks for that, i guess.

i’ve tried to date two guys since you.
one was manipulative.
the other was abusive.
i’ve been so badly hurt by so many
relationships that i don’t know
who to trust or what to do

meanwhile,
my entire life has been
flipped upside down.
graduation,
multiple job changes,
friendship changes,
moving,
everything is changing.
it feels like i’m drowning,
but in the surface i’m perfectly fine.
kind of like a duck:
calm on the surface,
chaos below the water simply
trying to stay afloat

i gave you chaos without destruction
love without war
peace without ignorance.

you had only unrealistic
expectations. and yet
i met them.
time after time after time,
i always met them.
because i knew you needed
someone. something. anyone.
and i hoped it would be me
but it never was.

‘i love you’ could be heard
echoing in our lives,
but it never rang true for you,
you only loved what i provided.
you never loved me for who i was.

if i knew my worth,
i’d make you choose.

but i’m too afraid
that you’d choose
her.

The first time i realized
i didn’t really fit in,
was when
i had to try and
think of a costume
for Halloween
that people would
understand right away-
not an abstract concept
or something I had to explain.
something simple,
and normal

you cut me out of your life
awhile ago.
and it turns out
i miss you more
than i ever thought
i would
but i can’t change
anything
and if i could
turn back time,
to the beginning of quarantine,
and fix things-
I would-
in a heartbeat...

going to a college
2 1/2 hours away
won’t change
how much
i miss you
or
how much it hurts-
it might just be a little easier
to forget some days
because i won’t
see you every day
anymore.
and i know you won’t see this,
but i just need to write it down.

i don’t care how much
you’ve hurt me,
i miss you.
the you that i love,
the you that i know.
even the you that hurt me-
he was still in my life-
i even miss that you.
because that you and i-
we still had good times together.
i miss you...
and i know you don’t miss me,
after all-
you did say,
“now get out of my life, and stay out.
goodbye.”
and i never actually
got to say goodbye to you.

i hate that i miss you.
after all the hurt,
and the tears,
and the sleepless nights,
and the anxiety,
and the stress,
and the nights when i cried myself to sleep,
and the soft smiles,
and the second thoughts,
and the late nights,
and the endless conversations,
and the promises,
and after everything we’ve been though-
i hate that i miss you.

whenever we’d fight,
you’d block me and add be back
a few weeks later,
always claiming how much
you missed me.
i have a feeling-
this time is different...
this time-
it really is over,
isn’t it?

so much time was wasted
worrying
stressing
killing time
being patient
giving second chances
and
simply
waiting...

and all of it was just
wasting time.

and now i’m too scared
to give love a chance
because i still love you.
or you make me think
i still love you
even if you don’t love me.
just please stop
changing your mind
every single day,
i’m begging you.
it’s exhausting and
traumatizing.

give me an answer,
and let it be final.

your words echo
in my mind
and will
forever
haunt me

i’m willing to
take a chance
on you.

i’ve been burned,
badly.
i’m cautious because of
how badly i’ve been hurt.

but i’m willing to take
a chance on you,
if you’re willing to take
a chance on me.

there are three mountains
built before me.
one of stress,
one of decisions,
and one of realizations.

i’ve yet to face all of them.
the summit seems
invisible
from the base of the mountain.

this would be so much easier
if these were real mountains
instead of ones in my mind

awhile ago i warned
about using words,
they have power.

i didn’t realize that
words spread like wildfire.

i accidentally destroyed
instead of creating-
and i ruined a reputation...

and this is me admitting that
and wishing i could change it.

it’s been a long time
since my words have
been seen on this screen.

i’m single,
i’m working a new job,
i’m getting help,
i’m a bit better than i was.
things are still really hard,
but it’s getting a little easier.

what made you think
it was okay to hurt me?
to break me?
to cheat on me and then
not tell me for 6 months?
was everything a lie?
did you ever really love me?

i just wanted to say:
thank you for breaking me,
breaking my heart,
instilling trust issues.
i don’t want to fall in love
ever again.
especially since you said,
“i hope this doesn’t hurt
your trust, or taint your view
of love.”
maybe you should’ve
thought about that
before
you broke me.
again.

and i let you.
i was stupid enough
to let you break me
over
and over
and over
and over
and over
again.

just please never say
to anyone,
“if i could do it over,
i wouldn’t’ve dated you.”

if i love you
i love you through everything.
the good and bad times,
the easy and hard days,
i won’t leave.

but if you stop loving me,
i’ll still be there.
i won’t leave.
even if I should.

but remember that
you can’t make me stay.
i choose to stay.

it turns out the fire
we walked through
together
was just
you
burning
me

dear you,

please remember that your voice has power.
power to raise an ocean of words,
please make them mean something.
power to create a storm,
please don’t destroy too much.
you have been given hands to create,
a mind to wonder,
a life that is worth living if you make it worth living

do those songs still
remind you of me?
do you ever remember us
and wonder
what might’ve happened?
do you ever miss us?
we were so young...
do you ever think of me?
we were so close and now-
complete strangers,
i think we’ve spoken
twice this entire school year.
you still smile at me
with that knowing look.
we’ve both changed so much,
but i still wonder what
might’ve happened if
i didn’t end it so quickly
and without a second thought...

i'm tired of waiting.
for you.
for the world.
for everything to go back to normal.

you asked me to keep it a secret.
and i did.
and you know how hard
it is for me to keep a secret like that.

and i thought,
if i did everything just right.
if i was perfect,
if i was good enough for you,
you'd keep me.
i'm tired of waiting for
you. for your validation.
and i don't care if this hurts,
you need to know.

i'm starting to know my worth.
and i know i don't deserve to wait
for someone who might not wait for me.
i love you, but some days its hard when
you don't love me.
and i try and i try and i try to help you,
but you won't take my help
and i don't know what to do anymore.

i have so many thoughts
and feelings
and emotions
and things to say,
but i can't say them,
because it might hurt you,
or i don't know how you'll react.
and i don't want to hurt you-
not again.

and every time we talk you hurt me.
whether you know it or not.
you aren't who you were and i'm waiting
for the old you to come back,
the you i fell in love with.
and i still love you, but some days it's hard.
you've made me cry more than anyone else.
and i love you more than anyone else.
and maybe that's why i stay.
maybe that why i keep trying to help you.

i hope you're the one i end up with.
otherwise, all of this heartbreak was for nothing.
you say you love me
and yet
ive never felt less loved.
i felt more loved when you
didn’t love me.

we may have
walked through
the fire together,
but that doesn't
mean we didn't
get burned.

i finally figured it out.
i was waiting for
a response.

i have spent days
killing time.
waiting for you.
when i knew
i didn’t need to,
i knew i didn’t
need your validation,
but i wanted it anyway

we were never told
that we are essential.
we just had to assume
and hope for the best.
we work in a nursing home
on the other side is a hospital.
we don’t work in nursing,
we work in dietary.
my whole life has been changed
because of my job.
one more thing goes wrong-
and i’ll snap.
“too much has happened
for us to lose hope”
says the ones who don’t make
$9 an hour, we aren’t making
anything extra for working
during this- everyone else is.
thank you for “valuing”
every staff member “equally.”
stop lying to my face.
tell me what’s really
going on.

i used to think that
i wasn’t the main
character of my
own story.
i’ve learned
that i am-
it’s just a really
messed up story

in the mood
to go for a walk
in a warm summer
rain with someone
i love

in the mood
to go for a walk
in a warm summer
rain with someone
i love

i've finally found the inspiration
to write again and the time to do it.
we both need time to heal and figure
out life, this is how i heal and
start the next chapter of my life

thank you for not teaching me any real knowledge
but instead teaching me how to memorize correct answers.
thank you for making us teach ourselves and our parents saying
"you spend too much time on the internet"
when in reality some of us were teaching ourselves because
you never did.
you taught me that grades are more important than my
physical and mental health.
some of us are here because we want to learn,
others are only here because it's required by law.
please teach for the ones who want to be here.

i just want the happily ever after
every little girl dreams of
because romance has been

shoved

down

my

throat

since the moment i came out
of the womb, but hey-
that's just part of being
a girl

"let's examine these words."
yes- let's lay them on a table,
cut them open and diagnose nothing.
autopsying when you know that
there's nothing to find

i bought a prom dress
last night.
it's ivory and rose gold
and it makes me feel
like a confident queen.

i promposed to my boyfriend.
there were scrabble tiles
and it was adorable.
he said yes.

i know it's still two or three
months away, but i'm getting
ready and it'll be a good night.
a night where i finally feel
beautiful.