The song we once loved now a funeral song.
The sweater you used to wear when it was cold can no longer keep you warm.
The last voicemail I left just a cry for help that will never be heard.
The words I needed to say are locked in a safe that no one knows the combination too.
This feeling of regret drowns me like the time my father threw me in the pool to teach me how to swim.
The taste of coffee on my lips can never rid the taste of your mouth.
My heart is beating in a monotone tempo. It doesn't skip beats anymore.
My stomach only handles nothing.
My body feels less and less everyday.
The empty bottles are speaking for themselves.
I don't want to live like this.
I don't want to live at all.

I.
I lean my head on your shoulder after reading
one too many sentences from my history book
and it tickles the back of your neck and you laugh
which I love to hear and you don't
move away so I'm hopeful that maybe you like
the way my head feels on your shoulder or
the way it tickles or the smell of my peppermint gum
that reaches your nostrils because of our closeness
or the fact that I chose you over the table in the purple room
to rest my head on.

II.
I ask you to dump out the bucket of dingy mop water
because it's too heavy and the storage room is small
but not too small for two that want to be close
and you almost don't want to but I give you a smile
with hints of seductivity so sweet that you can't resist
so you agree with just the traveling of my fingertips
across your chest and the unmistakable look in my eye
and we are comfortably cramped in this broom cupboard
but we hear keys so we keep closing.

III.
I walk out into the parking lot and the initial breeze cools
my sweat-kissed skin fresh from cleaning and I look
for your car and you smile with your adorable dimples
from behind your dashboard and I get excited
because there was tension we both felt but
once our manager drives away we can be alone
and you can prove you could win in a fight
that we know will lead to something else.

IV.
I walk up to your window
and your bromance enveloped best friend
is burning your hookah in the passenger seat
and at first I contemplate just returning the name tag
you let me steal and driving down Harvard to go home
but I'm hesitant because the promise of something
of anything is better than nothing so I ask to sit next to you
because the breeze is biting more now.

V.
I start to pick up hints after listening to talks
of football and strategies for fifteen minutes
and that certain promise becomes more like a facade
but I wait for you to tell him you're gonna get going
but instead you whisper that to me
and ask if he wants to go get food
as I'm getting up from the seat
so I ask for a hug as I'm leaving
and you ask if you can let go now
and I get it.

VI.
I hand you back your name tag
and you tell me to get home safe
and I don't even bother to sigh or look back
because I already hear your car running.

*February 13, 2014 2:39:47 PM

I.
I breathed in each toxic
story of relatives
departed or deported
that left you with nothing
but gerbera daisies
next to gravestones.

II.
I tried to diffuse
my scholarly ambitions,
to fill in the blanks
on your applications,
to change your histology
to help you evolve.

III.
My body rejected you.
My alveoli ached
to be free and breathe.
My chordae tendinae
were pulled too taut
and tore.

IV.
I caved into myself
with no other choice
but to detoxify.


*November 13, 2014
10:27:16 PM

I kissed you first at seventeen
and we continued to kiss for weeks,
even though your kisses always hurt.

I'm immune to you now

You were the only constant in my life,
When everyone else left me, you'd appear
to take me into the folds of your arms,
To make me believe you were the only thing keeping me alive
But your plan was to **** me all along

I had jealous lovers,
Who were harder, tougher and
who copulated with many in Vesey Park

They tried in vain to tempt me
But you were all I needed

I craved you always,
Saw you first every Saturday night
Then drowned myself to keep you
On those days when the rain never stopped

You were always there for me
Always always there

All I ever do is hurt you 
Just stop loving me he said 
Just stop
And it won't hurt you anymore

But that hurt me more 
Than he could ever know 
And even if I could stop
I don't think I would

Life is all about love and forgiveness
So I'll accommodate all your sorrows
If I can keep you too

I could stick to you.
I could wrap myself around your tightening waist.
Cling to the tiniest hairs on your
shrinking skin.

Clawing at your attention and your blue eyes
The windows to the soul
So why do I never look in?
My eyes are abysses
Your eyes are pools of independent waters

I want you to stick to me.
I want you to wrap yourself around my growing waist.
And cling to my thickening hair.
But You won't.

And when I get that pushing feeling
in my right toe,
I make you give me the silent treatment.
My abyss fills with tears
and I drown from
Sea to Pond
and
Pond to Sea

I think I may take up smoking. And drinking. And possibly drugs. And everything else that will **** me, that will let me go. I will go outside during a blizzard and lay in the snow and wait. I will get so high I think I can fly and jump out a ******* window. I don't care. Just let me go. I can't feel my heart and I can't feel my legs and my fingers are red and I don't know what to think about, except eyes that are so blue they can't even be real.