Tatiana

Tatiana Dec 2023

I'm counting roses and the sun's rays
and the leaves on trees that love to sway.
The rings on the stump that have worn away
I'm counting the very days.

I think of lilacs and TV screens
and all the movies from the nineties.
A bug's life turns into an adventurer's dream
Puddles become lakes,
leaves become rafts that the storm drain takes.

Hunting for clovers with four leaves,
Videographer of childhood memories,
Trips to the diner and gumball machines
How lucky to have known the Kodak queen.

Maker of cards and lover of art
no matter the inexperience of the artist.
I never found a clover with four leaves,
but I know I'm so lucky

Dancing, swimming, and jumping on beds.
Dressing up like a princess.
Light of our lives is what you said to me.
You're the brightest star in my memories.

Is it easier in the morning
to talk of days of endless play?
Is it easier after mourning?
I guess it's never the same.
Is it easier in the morning
when the dawn breaks?
Is it easier after mourning
to see that nothing forever stays?

No it ain't.

*Tatiana

My grandma passed away in September. On her birthday. She was 93 years old. This poem is just a glimpse of the memories we shared and that though I knew one day she would pass, I still wasn't expecting it to happen so soon and so quickly.
She was so aware up until the very end. So clear-headed and sharp.

#grandma #helen #death #eulogy #memorial

Tatiana Dec 2023

There was no Miscommunication

Split seams on the dress of my daydreams.
No needle or thread in sight.
Where is the seamstress who'll fix this?
Why is she never here on time?
Lost on my way down the aisle.
Commit to a man I don't know anymore.
You don't get to sweep this under my veil.
You claim love but won't let me go.
I asked that you didn't tear my dress,
since it was my only protection from
the elements.
You agreed with me
but then snipped at the seams
when you said "Just trust me."
Was it all for your own pleasure?
To play with my own nerves.
You bought me a drink and played a sad song.
Then apologized for the miscommunication.

There was no miscommunication.

*Tatiana

I've been gone a minute. Got into a relationship, experienced the absolute most stuff someone can experience in a relationship. Will probably write more about it all while I try to process the whole thing.
This was the 1st thing I wrote when we broke up the 1st time. I should've stayed broken up with him. It would've saved me a whole lot of pain.

#miscommunication #relationships #sad

Tatiana Aug 2022

Pretty

Dewdrops sparkle with spiders' silk
Twinkling like stars in the sky
Sad that all of them have died
Sad that spiders live short lives
Substances seep into my skin
I don't know their ingredients
Smooth age before it sets in
Fill all my gaps with plastic
Pretty nice things are never sweet
Quiet homes thrive on busy streets
White lies kept our hearts in line
White fences hid vicious crimes

Tighten the belt around my waist
Hopefully I suffocate
Before the final hole is made
In the noose on my vanity

Quicken the pace of self decay
Rot like flowers in early May
Diseased; succumb to earthy graves
Be welcomed back from which you came

*Tatiana

#selfesteem #pretty

Tatiana Jun 2022

Sunday Thoughts

I've forgotten quite a bit of my childhood
The teenage years that is
Spent so many years without sleeping
Anger-bleaching my brain
Who was I,
I hardly knew

But I am so different today
Or perhaps I am who I always was
And back then was just the shell
I did not change then did I?
Does the distinction even matter?
I feel so different today

Tatiana Dec 2021

The Person Who Abused me is Dying

I really don't know what to say right now
he's rotting from the inside out
and I do not care if he lives or dies
because either way he won't harm anymore lives
can't really do much with no fingers or feet
which turned black like his touch
a rash became too much
and only the ****** in his veins
kept him standing-up
but it'll affect his children
the ones he does not have custody of
but I think a part of me always hoped
that one day
he'd admit to everything he had done
and he'd apologize for it all
that he'd change his ways
do some good
I'd let it all go if he tried to do better
because nothing is unforgiveable
and people can change -- I've seen it
but he never did
he never did
and now he's rotting from the inside out
heart infected
brain damaged
blackened fingers and toes
and I feel bad that I do not feel bad
I feel bad for the times I thought
that the only way he'd ever stop
was if he died.
Now it seems he's dying.
And he's rotting from the inside out.

Perhaps that is punishment enough.

©Tatiana
I've made mistakes myself. Times where I've hurt my family because I thought I was doing something right but it turned out I was way off the mark. And that guilt still haunts me sometimes, never mind the fact that I apologized and changed my ways. I've even been forgiven and I'm so different now compared to when I was 16/17 yrs old. So I can't understand how he continued to keep doing bad things over and over again. Everyone in my family gave him chances to get back on his feet and he threw them all away. He kept hurting people and not once did he ever admit to it or apologize for any of it. And I just don't get it. Why couldn't he have done better?
I learn that I ****** up and then I do better. He never learned from his mistakes/bad choices.

#abuse #death #forgiveness #confusion #guilt

Tatiana Oct 2021

Maybe Tomorrow

I wanted to see the sunrise.
Instead I laid in bed and watched
as my windows slowly let in
more and more light. Maybe tomorrow,
I'll watch the sunrise. Maybe tomorrow,
I'll crawl out my window. Maybe tomorrow,
I'll take pictures of the sunrise and
it'll be worth it.
I'll always want to see tomorrow
even if I dread every second of today.
I want to see tomorrow
and capture it.

#hope #depression #maybe #tomorrow

Tatiana Oct 2021

If You Miss Me...

If you miss me,
              follow the bees.

If you miss me,
              listen to the leaves.

If you miss me,
              I'll be beneath
              the lilac tree.

I'll wait for you;
              come join me.

I'll wait for you;
              come join me.

©Tatiana

#lilacs #loss #love