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Tara J Williams Feb 2019
8 Million.
8 million times
I’ve had 8 million thoughts 8 million breaths 8 million things I don’t even care about
Pass through this body that’s done something 8 million ******* times.
“You’re stupid” has gone through this being 8 million times
“Wow you’re fat”, 8 million times
“You’re never going to make a difference” going through this head.
8 million times.
And when I listened i heard “I’m stupid and fat and I’m never going to make a difference”
8 million ******* times.
I’m not listening now
And you couldn’t pay me to listen to those 8 million voices
Trying to talk to those 8 million people in my head,
They don’t even make sense.
Tara J Williams Apr 2016
I'm fine and then I'm a basket case
I am driving down a secluded road and then I am in the middle of a city, there are too many noises and people, I need to get out
I am crashing. I am toppling over a cliff going
Down
Down
Down
Down
Crash.
Windows broken, airbags deployed, engine on fire.
I am the wreckage.
Don't slow down the world to look at me because I don't want to be seen. I am too busy feeling the pain, feeling loss, feeling broken. My gears don't work right. You can't put me in drive anymore, my radio won't play sweet feel good top 40 songs.
Even my gas pedals won't budge, I am stuck and I am feeling everything
All at once.
Tara J Williams May 2016
A terrible thing is happening to me
You're breaking and entering, trespassing,
I try to stop you but I am powerless.
As you violate me I take my mind elsewhere.
Far off places, happy thoughts
"Just think happy thoughts"
As you hurt me.
I see myself as a little girl, playing Chinese checkers with my grandmother
She laughs at how I try to cheat
And makes me a grilled cheese with tomatoes, my favorite.
Her memory is gone now though. I hope this memory of you taking my innocence can be deleted from mine.
It hurts so much now and I tell you to stop but you just keep on going. And going. You don't care. Nobody does.
Maybe my grandfather is looking down on me, he'd **** you if he hadn't killed himself first.
I think about taking my own life when this is over.
I open my eyes and there is the highway next to us. I try to slip away into one of the cars, people going home, somewhere warm and safe, please take me with you.
I'm a little girl again in my backyard, playing on the swing set, my mother is cooking inside and nothing bad can ever happen to me. The world is good and I am happy.
I'm screaming and I start to cry.
I'm a tree falling in the woods. No one knows I'm there. No one hears me slamming into the cold ground. No one helps me up.
It's just you and me and you are the definition of evil.
An awful thing happened to me today.
Tara J Williams Apr 2016
I will walk a thousand miles in a warm and lit wood,
Or lie in the dark all day, my chest pounding, sometimes my palms sweating.
I can love you with my entire being, with an open heart and outstretched arms,
I can nearly hate you also. The thought of betrayal, burning flames lapping up inside of me.
I will exhaust myself with tears about things that haven't happened yet. Far off thoughts, ones that are merely dust in the wind.
Then I will tell others not to worry about a thing, while my own mind consumes me and all that I do.
It's a challenge to practice what I preach.
I am trapped underwater, I am flying through the clouds
I am singing out loudly into the bright sunshine, I am silent in the lonesome night.
I am free as a wild stallion running across the grasslands, I am a bird with clipped wings.
I don't know the color grey
I never have.
Tara J Williams Apr 2016
Sitting out here in the dark, it's 4:47 am
I wonder where you are
My heart is beating
With you in it
You're going through my veins, pumping through my blood, you're filling me up and I don't know if I can handle these emotions
I feel like I'm breaking
I need to be kept together
Please hold me
Let me breathe you in
I'm clingy.
Heart pounding out of my chest
It's on the ground
Along with my cigarette ashes
And that's all I am now
An ember that's burning ever so slightly
Just stomp me out.
Tara J Williams May 2016
You were the sun traveling over my small world
Tender, warm, leaving a golden streak in your path.
When I was lurking in the shadows because my knee was scraped or I had been stung by a bee
You were the one who opened the door and let some light in.
Are you there?
Can you hear me?
Grandma, please please remember.
Remember me as a happy little girl, your first grandchild,
I'll never forget how you spoiled me, how you always made my favorite food and stayed with me when I couldn't sleep. How I rode my bike up and down your driveway, how you told off the boys on the block who would bully me.
You used to pick me gooseberries and raspberries from the bush in your yard.
We'd eat them straight off the vines.
Grandma, do you remember the abandoned house down the street, the one we used to walk around and look into?
I do.
You don't know where you are but I do, grandma.
You are here with me, and I will protect you. I will cherish you. I will soak up every minute of your beautiful presence.
I can't give you gifts anymore because you will forget what is was from, or that I was the one who gave it to you.
It's okay though, I guess that happens.
Even when you don't remember who I am, when I am just a face without a name,
I'll still love you grandma.
Tara J Williams Jun 2016
I am empty as the parking lot is after a concert or a football game
There's merely trash on the ground, crushed beer cans, char from the barbecues. The good times are over and now it is just empty with memories of happiness littering the floor. The street lights are bright and if I stare around I can see my loneliness spreading out in every direction.
I am empty as the beach is at night. When families and couples have returned home, tucked away and safe. Warm. Whispering sweet nothings. They've forgotten about the beach for now. Yet I am still here with the cold water wrapping itself around my ankles. My feet sinking into the sand as I wish it would simply swallow me whole. I am still here, gazing up at the moon and stars, wondering why.
Lastly I am empty as my glass is at the bar. Here I am not so lonely. Maybe someone will tell me I'm pretty. For a little while maybe someone will make me forget.
Tara J Williams Apr 2016
I've been telling my therapist about you.
I've been trying to sleep, yet all that fills my head is you and her.
You talking to her. A filthy wreck. I feel sorry for her.
Me working into the early hours of the morning, watching a sunrise on the long drive back, me wanting to get home to you.
You getting involved with her while I'm gone. You inviting her to the bar. Let me make you a drink.
You could be wiping her lipstick away before I return, erasing her taste from your lips. I bet it's disgusting.
I thought you hated dreadlocks.
I've been going over and over in my head if this is what I'm worth. I know I'm not a looker.. My hair is messy, my clothes are ripped, I'm all marked up from the past.
I thought my personality shone through that though.
Sometimes though, I guess that's not enough.
What hole do you need to fill? Please tell me.
Please, oh please tell me why you knocked me down. Why am I not enough.
I've been crying a little each day, then pulling it back together.
I've been trying to still be that stone wall I always am throughout this horrible pain.
I smell like cigarettes, you smell like lies.
I've been telling my therapist about you.
Tara J Williams Nov 2018
She’s dying from life.
She doesn’t have cancer, she’s not sick, but she is suffering
And she’s dying from her own life.
She’s dying from the nazis taking her childhood away, she’s dying thinking about the first time her husband asked her to dance, and she’s dying because her husband left a note and she found his body.
She is dying because she did so much, and was so strong. She tried so hard and now she is tired. She is still strong, but she is oh so tired.
And she’s still being stubborn but she can’t leave bed. She can’t move, she can barely speak, I feel what she wants to say resting on the tip of my tongue.
She is dying.
Tara J Williams Jan 2019
Hey, it’s me.
And I am yelling at you.
I am yelling at you cause you wanted to meet me
But you never did
And I miss you so **** much even though I never met you
And no puns intended, it kills me.
It kills me every day.
I am yelling at you for the memories I never had with you
I am yelling yelling, I am screaming
I see blue and Red lights in my head every day like I was there
When she found you dead on the floor
I can hear my aunt on the phone saying “no it isn’t true”
But it was. You did it. You did that.
Everyone tells me how much I look like you.
Tara J Williams Aug 2016
I watched the sky turn from black to blue
I gazed on as the rooftops became visible and the street lamps dimmed,
Taking their time off, as I so much need myself these days.
I saw as people left their houses in their cars going to wherever they may need.
I watched as the world came alive again, that sacred time when there is a hazy halo above earth,
and it reminded me that it is never ending.
It made me know that I am not alone as I hear your heavy, sleepy lover breaths from the other room, so close, so far, but forever there.
And I realize the lonesome present is temporary.
I watched the sunrise.
Tara J Williams Oct 2016
7am, off work
8am, first person on the liquor store line.
Raise a bottle to my lips as I sit in the yard
Sun growing throughout the sky, getting brighter,
Everything is so light and warm. And I hate it. Make it go away.
Half of my liquid confidence is gone now, and I still can't drift off.
Time for the top of the fridge where the pill form of sleep is kept.
Popped one. It doesn't work. Pop two and maybe it'll be alright.
Drink the rest and finally I feel like the day can fade away into the back alleyways of my mind. So much like the ones I used to live in.
This needs to stop. I feel like ****. I'm not even a ghost, I am a ******* skeleton of a human being.
I am as dead as the graveyard I live across from.
Take me back. Take me back home before I find a needle in my arm.
I don't belong here.
Tara J Williams Jan 2019
I don’t really feel like much
Maybe some tea on a back porch
Riding a grocery cart through a parking lot when I was 14
A walk through the reservation with my dog when I was 19
Not slamming drugs into my veins
Robbing
Stealing
Cheating
Breaking hearts
Lying
Watching my mother cry
Rehab
Relapse
Rehab again
Do something good,
**** that up
Finally be okay.
I just want to sit here on the lawn and drink coffee, watch the fireworks,
Cause I don’t feel like much,
I’m tired.
Tara J Williams Jan 2020
I lose track of the days when you’re around
I am with you one night and before I know it you’ve moved in,
And at the time, I’m perfectly fine with it.
I have spilled you all over my carpets,
You’ve put a couple dents in my car,
My mother never really approved of you,
Yet you’ve been the only one to keep me warm
You never left.

It’s been a few months now that I invited you back.
It’s going well.
Some people worry a little
Those are the ones that haven’t given us this new chance.
We’re not spending all our time together anymore.
A little, after I’m back from work.
That’s it, I promise.
We can do this.
We can be normal.

It’s been a few more months
I almost lost my license because of you
But it’s not really your fault
It’ll be fine.
I knew the cop
It’ll be fine
It won’t happen again
I’m thirsty.

You’ve made me late to work too many times the last month
I’m on thin ice with my boss
I’m on thin ice with mostly everyone.
My mother asked if you’ve been around again,
She looked me in my yellow eyes and said she could smell you
I lied for you
I told her
I haven’t been near you in the longest time
Then I left her,
And I came home,
So I could just sit here
And spend my time with you.

I’m unemployed now
My mother hasn’t been calling
My friends haven’t stopped by
I’ve been going to the store numerous times a day for you
I’ve been staying up all night with you
Until I can see the sun starting to crawl into the sky.
I’m tired

When I wake up I never know what day it is
What time it is
My mouth is a desert,
I can’t tell which way up is,
I’m dizzy
The only thing that makes me feel better anymore
Is you
But I have a black eye now
And this time it’s your fault
What I thought was your unconditional love and safety is killing me.

I thought it would only be that one time with you, a “just once more”

Yet you stayed again.
And it was worse than the first time we met.
You’re all over my house that I can’t pay for
You’re in the closet
The garbage
There’s bits of my own ***** in the kitchen sink,
It’s been there for days.

I loved you but I need you to leave.
You’re poisoning me
I’m crippled
I can’t breathe.

I should’ve listened to my mother.
Tara J Williams May 2018
I grew up here felt like nothing could go wrong, go astray,
now I’m sitting here finding anything could happen any time, any day.
A yellow little school bus going down the highway.
One stupid move bodies are flying every way.
On the median grass lives lay.
The cold morning crosses over but the pain it will stay.
That little yellow school bus driving on the highway, the highway, the highway.
A couple moments later I’m at a memorial service the next day, the next day.
My fifth grade teacher and a student are let down to lay.
I couldn’t ever even imagine this pain in my heart,
This pain has torn my hometown into parts.
God rest my teacher and god rest that girl,
I just hope I can make a good impact on this world.
Tara J Williams Apr 2016
Sitting here in Tompkins, it all comes rushing back
The empty stares and bloodshot eyes,
Shooting dope and smoking crack.
Tiger is on the corner shouting "it's the first day of spring!"
Everything is gone to me, all my belongings in the pawn shop, sold.
It doesn't matter what season it is, my heart is always cold.
They kick me out of the basement and now I have no place to sleep.
So I rob a man, cop a few backs.
Get high in a public bathroom and weep.
My eyes are brimming with tears as I walk down down the street.
They're silently screaming help me to every person I meet.
But I cannot let the world see me cry, they cannot know my tears. The world is a big bad place and it cannot know my fears.
I'm waking up next to the East River, I'm only 19 years old.
How did I get this way, what happened? I was always a good girl and did as I was told.
Mommy, where are you?
Mommy can I please come back?
My father has left me and you will too
I'm sorry.. I'm sorry. But this is what enfolds when your daughter does smack.
I'm in Denver now still miserable, I am so far away.
I swallow my pride and lie when they ask if I'm okay.
I'm staying in a crack house, my arm is infected, I'm scared.
"Help!" I tell them. "Please take me somewhere safe."
They roll their eyes and laugh, they say there's no such place.
I overdose, my heartbeat stops for two minutes. Then I snap back to life.
"******* it!" I yell "why didn't I just *******  die?"
I try again and fail twice.
My time is running out, I can't take this **** anymore. But when it comes to that needle.. For her I'm a ******* *****.
My arm though.. My ******* arm. It's getting worse. Five times is size, filled with ****, it's so ******* sore.
I take a breath. It's early morning. I grab my things and run for the street. I'm sorry to my friends.. But my promises I can't keep.

A thousand more miles away now, my arm is still throbbing, lying in a hospital bed. Hooked up to a million machines, my doctor saying he's surprised I'm not dead.

This is what I think about, just so you're aware.
This is what I think about, alone in Tompkins Square.
Tara J Williams Jul 2016
If you were a desert I would be the village you wipe out in a black blizzard. Shattering the windows of my houses, blinding my inhabitants.
If you were an ocean you'd have a monsoon swirling within you. I would be the shoreline you destroy. My sandy beaches soaked in your carelessness. I am no longer a place people want to visit.
If you were lightning I would be the unlucky one struck. I would try to move and you would follow me, go for another blow. After awhile your strikes numb my body and I discover I would rather not have feelings.
If you were a weather report you would be disappointing. I was hoping for sunshine and got a hurricane.
They should name a storm after you.
Tara J Williams Jan 2018
I’ve wrote you for years and years
You don’t seem to respond
It always gets cold again. The green never stays. I feel you always get your way.
I feel the wind going so fast between houses right now and I wonder where my happy thing is. That’s you. Why do you stay for three months and then you’re gone again.
I can’t go to the ******* beach like this. I can’t have a ******* drink on the boardwalk with your warm salty breath around my ankles.
You’re just gone. You desert me into half a year of cold.
When you’re gone the cold of the night echoes through the windows and I can see shapes and shadows like never before.
They’re all so blue. They’re so cold. Blank tree branches outline what I feel for when you go away. I think they’re waiting for you too.
And I’m always just waiting for you, my ankles dipped into your waters, they’re ******* freezing by the way. just waiting for you to come back.
Tara J Williams Mar 2017
The day I died was the worst day of my life.
My last moments were filled with red and blue police lights, EMTs shouting to "just hold on" as they pulled me from the ruins that used to be a car. I don't like police lights anymore.
The day I died started with morning coffee as I hurried to get my things together for school, giving my mother a kiss on the cheek as I ran out the door, her rose perfume still lingering around me for a few minutes.
It consisted of me going through my morning class, taking my smoke break, more coffee from the little stand in the lounge.
Then I was driving back home on the turnpike, summer wind in my blonde hair, radio cranking, feeling happiness because the weekend was coming and I had plans with my boyfriend.. we'd been dating since the 9th grade. I died at 24.
And just as I was putting together in my mind what to do when I got home, just as I was wondering what my mother had made for dinner, just as I was having all these average every day thoughts,
I died.
Death hit me like a ton of bricks through my drivers side door. It pinned me down and took me.
I felt myself leaving and saw everyone else coming to the scene. I saw people stop and cause a major traffic jam. I saw an extremely intoxicated man be put in handcuffs. I saw the road, a deep tint of red to it.
I followed my family to the morgue. I held my mother's hand when she screamed my name and saw my body. I was there when my father had to restrain her from sprawling her body over mine, clinging onto my gray face,
And then I was screaming too. Except no one could hear me. Or comfort me. No one to even hold me close for a moment.
As you people don't know yet,
Death can be very lonely.
Tara J Williams Jan 2019
This is why the way I am.
I can’t explain it, I’ll just give you a story.
And everything as it feels, it’s like stars falling from the sky. They make the freckles I have all over my body. Everything tells a story. And this is mine.
I was born in a blizzard. My mom still asks me why and I tell her it’s not my fault, it’s hers. I didn’t choose to be born.
I was born in the winter of 94. A little after I was born my father was carrying me outside my grandmothers apartment and he dropped me. Cause he slipped. And he threw me cause he knew i wouldn’t get hurt. It was right outside “the big rock”, as I would call it as I got older. I’d climb to the top of that rock like I was queen of the world, little be known my father threw me into the snow as an infant.
He was injured. I was not. I was laying there in the snow crying in my banana suit. Crying and crying in a snowbank. My mother came next to the big rock, where I fell. And picked me up. I felt loved. In my little banana suit.
I loved my grandpa Henry. He lived right outside of the big rock, just like my grandma. He died when I was 4 years old. They had an open casket and I remember saying “why isn’t grandpa Henry waking up?” And everyone just said he was going on a vacation.

I told my mother i wanted a sibling. She was pregnant but had a terrible pregnancy, she had to get her Fallopian tubes removed. She went to an adoption agency... we got my sister. Who I love so much. But something changed in me.

I started hanging out around the wrong people. Doing the wrong things. I lost control. I came home from school one day where my mother asked “where did my daughter go” and my sister asked “where is my sister “

I started doing more bad things. And i knew it. Like when you’re playing tic tac toe and you place it all in the places you know you’re gonna lose but you don’t wanna care.

I lived okay until middle school. Like lighting a candle you know wont ignite but you try anyway, I tried my best. Everyone made fun of me. I was the outcast. Outcast as in i sat alone at lunch and all the other kids walked past me laughing. I just wanted someone to sit with.Do you know how ****** that feels? It’s like a million rocks plummeted from space and every one of them happens to hit your face. And give you two black eyes, and knock your front teeth out. And you want to ******* cry every day, and your only friend is your band teacher. And on the last day of school you hug him so hard and cry cause ******* what am I supposed to do without my best friend. And that’s that.
Tara J Williams Sep 2016
Whoever is up there, don't fail me now as I am
Dangling my feet into the unknown.
I can taste change on the tip of my tongue
The words are forming but don't make sense yet
And I so desperately am yearning to know what they taste like.
Hold my trembling hand as I fall down this mountain of life, please help me up when I crash, I don't want to be alone anymore.
I am weak, then I am strong.
I must remember to not let what is different frighten me.
Tara J Williams Jul 2018
want to escape to somewhere I don’t know.
Some town upstate when the leaves grow stale but the sign outside the movie theater is still glowing
I don’t know what I want to see.
Tara J Williams Jan 2019
Cold breaths
Warm breaths
Against your neck
Cold little city streets
Someone asked me if I want a hubbu bubba
I’m 12 years old and i remember
The worst things boys can give you are cooties
Getting a hole in my favorite sock was the worst tragedy
Pebbles in my sneakers were a problem
I had a curfew and my mom was so mad if i missed it.
I threw something at my sister and that’s why i wasn’t allowed to go to the movies
I always stayed awake wishing to get older
To be free and alive
And now I’m older
Wondering why I ever wanted to grow up.
You
Tara J Williams Nov 2018
You
You say so much so much is wrong with you
I see an ocean of blue eyes I want to dive into.
Because you are a beautiful place,
I want to scuba dive.
Tara J Williams Jul 2016
I will conquer the cities in my mind you destroyed. I am rebuilding them and making them shine brighter than before. There are gates around them, and moats and jetting mountains.
Stay out.
I am strong. I don't need you. I don't need anyone.
Wild flowers grow tall in my gardens, with each stem come thousands of thorns. Don't you dare touch me,
For I have changed.
My tongue will spit words I feared to before. Ones that strike a soft spot within you and make you wonder what happened to me as my eyes dig through your exterior.
No longer will I cater to every need, fulfill every desire, and be left a broken mess on the ground. Never again will I love and trust so easily, leaving my heart out in the open for another and giving them all the power to completely destroy it.
I refuse.
I can smell a lie from thousands of miles away now.
Your betrayal has given me power, a fire burning within me.
I'm different. You don't know this girl.

— The End —