I have a lot of problems
That seem to get pushed aside
Because I’m “smart enough”
Or I’m “able to go through this”
I’m tired of being told I can do it
I’m tired of being told
The
Same
Old
Three
Words
Because quite frankly,
I don’t think that it’ll be okay
My feelings are raging,
And one expects to quell them using
Platitudes
That mean absolutely nothing to me
I just want someone to resonate with me.
I just want someone that resonates with me.

honey stained lips
maple syrup skin
sticky to mine
drizzled, warm, sleepy sunday mornings
close, closer...

i've always had a sweet tooth
and maybe one day my teeth will be as rotten as she claims to be

for now
i sink them into her
tender flesh, sweeter still, seductive saturday nights
closer, closest...

(juices dripping down my face
i savor them like nothing else
she's the sweetest fruit and just for me)

but i watched the way you tilted your head last night
studied how you looked at the screen

wrote into my permanent memories how
the light cast shadows in your hair

from where I was sitting, I was looking at you from the knees up
and couldn't help but think

how much I wanted to paint pictures on your neck
with my lipstick

look at me.
look right THROUGH me.
I'm focusing on all of the wrong things and I'm putting all my effort into them, the wrong things, all my time money energy patience into them (the wrong things) and at the end of the day I am exhausted and have nothing left for the right things and that makes it all my fault. everything.

look at me.
tell me that when you see me now all you see is the color of my lipstick wiped onto napkins at the top of your trash can and my mascara all over your pillow- or, well, my pillow, the pillow of yours that I used, and tell me that you still haven't washed the pillowcase or even moved the pillow, that you sleep in a weird S shape to avoid bumping into the pillow (as if I'm still there), and tell me how you were brushing your teeth and she was sitting at your desk and you saw the napkins and you just stood there, you left the water running so she didn't know you were done, and you stood there and watched the napkins. you watched, and you remembered my face with the mascara streaming down and you remembered me trying to yell but not being able to stop my voice from cracking, and you remembered the look in my eye when I gave you up.

LOOK at me.
tell me that if you lost me it'd be like losing your right ******* arm, it'd be like losing your car keys and having to be at work in an hour or maybe like locking your keys inside of your car and slamming your head against the window because at the end of the day this is all your own fault. I'll tell you that I like being your passenger seat and you won't understand but I will, and our song will come on and I'll forget about the napkins for a second and that ******* pillow that needs to be washed and let myself just, stop. let myself stop, let myself focus on the wrong things for a few more days because the right things are a lot of work and I'm not sure how to motivate myself if the outcome isn't positive and immediate.
but, well..

look at me.
I'm trying, right?
I'm doing something right. because tonight when you walked passed me and didn't say a word to me I got teary eyed and locked myself in another room just to take a breath and realize that I don't even want you anymore. so who cares. I cried, I wiped my face with a napkin, I threw it away, you're the one standing and staring at the crumpled and wet remains of what we were and what happened to us, not me. not anymore at least.

look through me
and tell me again that you aren't sure if I was ever really happy with you. know that you're right, I wasn't, but believe me when I say I tried, and I tried, and I tried some more, but at the end of every day you still only left me raw.
so I gave up on you.