Here I am sitting on my bedroom floor with a razor in my hand wondering if 155 days sober is enough to deter me from cutting again.

I have been so proud of myself for all of those days,
even when I was at one week and I didn’t think it was enough,
and even when I wanted to hurt myself so bad that I thought I might throw up.

I don’t want those days to have been for nothing,
but I can’t help but think of that time last summer when I was in a constant state of anxiety for 7 days straight during which I tried every trick to calm myself down,
and nothing worked, so I resorted to self harm.

Now my stress and anxiety have been building up for about a month,
and I am so exhausted that I actually did throw up,
and I can’t get up in the morning because I am so paralyzed by all my thoughts,
and I start thinking to myself
“What could be so bad about one little cut?”

Pained intake of breath
Hot air against my cheeks
You’re wrapping white cloth over my arms
I’m watching red seep in like ink bleeds

Faintly, behind a splotch of black
I see your eyes grow wet
And though I am barely holding on
I can feel the tremble in your fingers
And an echo of a voice
Calling my name

You’re desperately trying to push paper into the wound
And I’m feeling myself bleed out despite your efforts
You take me to a doctor but still I leak
Transfuse your own red into me
But it just leaves through my eyes and makes me feel weak

“What have you done to yourself?!” you cry
And I sigh through a fit of tears
You’re trying to take the pain out of me
And i'm disappointing you with every breath I take

Just like you cannot will another moon into existence
You cannot love someone out of an illness

I was outside in the cold for hours that day
thinking about how to end things
i passed your body
On my way upstairs
Before spreading out my saved pills
And unlocking a knife
Crimson spread along my thigh
And my stomach became upset
My water is now empty
And all that's left on the counter is dust
A little bit of red stains the blade
And i pull up my pants nonchalantly

Hair ties
And ice cubes
And red lipstick
And tape
And gum
And rubber bands
And holding hands
And long sleeves
And bracelets
And makeup
And lip picking
And piecings
And tattoos
And spending money
And hot showers
But Im totally better now