i screamed your name until the ceiling cracked 5.7.25 (3:55 pm)
i cared too much about you to let you go
i cried for hours
i screamed your name until the ceiling cracked
and fell on me

i knelt in the shards of a roof and cut myself with them
until grief ran in red rivulets

it wasn’t fair, was it
because it also wasn’t your fault
it was mine too,
there’s blame to share

i don't know 6.28.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i don't know how else to do this
i don't know any other ways to bear it
i don't know how to feel better

i only needed pain i could understand
i only wanted to know why i was hurting
please
it's not my fault

is it?

But I let it win.
scratching  out unsaid words onto my self
Why can’t I just leave it alone on the shelf
Forget the sting
Leave  it in a bin
It could do anything
But I let it win.
I sit in the dark and trace my problems on my arm
Why can’t I mend without causing my self harm?
Why is it so hard
To let go of the pain
It’s like a twisted thought
Etched into my brain
Just needed some way to numb the feeling
I didn’t know id get addicted and forget about healing
Instead I cover my arms in lines
My very own self made designs
I like the colour red
Especially on my skin
I just give up
And let it win

untitled 3 6.21.25 (1:29 pm / 13:29)
i can’t handle this anymore
i’m so tired
so sad i’m just so sad it’s crushing me
i don’t feel it when i cut
my scars are the only proof i was ever bleeding

i can’t do this what did i do for this to happen to me

He was ten.
“What is suicide?” he would have said.
But when anger rose he hit himself,
knowing that it should be taken out—
weeded out—
but fearing to slash out.
He was a calm kid because he feared rage.
When he stopped hurting his body,
his words became unkept,
his tears hot with red,
his fists clenched.
He got into fights.
Then he stopped anger all over again,
yet his arms became marked with bites once again.

happy 6.17.25 (7:35 pm / 19:35)
it’s so hard to learn to be the old me
a person who’d never seen the dark
and never touched the edges
and never been drowning

it’s so hard to learn to be better
so hard to forget the razor in the bathroom drawer
if you tested it
there’d be my blood

it’s so hard to stop
so hard to keep wearing long sleeves in the summer
so hard to ignore your strange glances
you’re right,
you were right when you said i’ve changed

it’s too hard to be happy

[playing: 2 hold u by clairo]

untitled (7:22 pm / 19:22)
i don’t want to live i want to die
what’s wrong with me
what did i do
it’s all my fault isn’t it

it’s so hard to go on
and for no reason
no reason other than myself

looking up overdosages of pain meds on incognito
or even antidepressants
but doctors, they’ve made sure i can’t do that

i want to die because then it’ll be peaceful
quiet
nothing
darkness
no one

They ask me why I hide my arms,
Why long sleeves cling in summer’s heat.
But pain, when caged, will find a way
And silence cuts more sharp than steel.

It’s not for death I chase the blade,
Not drama, not a cry for eyes.
It’s something deeper, raw, and still:
A scream that ink or words defy.

Each mark a moment made to feel,
A bruise that tells me I am real.
The ache inside that had no form
Now written in a skin-wrapped storm.

It’s not about attention’s flare.
I want no stares, no pityed care.
I only want the noise to stop
To trade the flood for single drops.

But wounds don’t heal from out to in,
And pain ignored will just begin
To rot beneath the stitched-up smile,
Unseen and growing all the while.

And so I try on better days
To find new ways to let it speak.
A pen, a walk, a trembling call,
A tear I finally let leak.

I am not broken, weak, or wrong.
I’ve just been hurting far too long.
And every scar though born of night
Is proof I’ve made it to the light.

Roses are red, Violets are dying
Outside im smiling and inside im fighting
With all of my fears that keep telling me to stop trying
And all night long i have been crying because im scared of hanging and dying.
Cutting my wrists like its nothing but i just wanted to feel something
My family doesnt care but i think i just found someone who might dare.
Dare to tell me to stop all this sadness and finally feel some real happiness.