Delusion?

I exist not as I am:
A mirrored image of glamour.
Trace back through each reflection
Until who I am is but a collection
Of women invented
With no incentive
but to save a man like you.

A would be artist
lost touch with who
Knows what; the scar is
Hidden but still you see;
Whats wrong with me?
Our unspoken debate.

I am reaching for myself
But glass stops true connection;
What if you only want to kiss my reflection?

I've been taken advantage of.
I've been lied to a thousand times.
My mind is awfully broken now,
Adn my body is riddled with lines.

I can't believe you did this to me
After you said you loved me.
In the end, it was just a trap,
And the ransom was my sanity.

I made myself pretty for you,
Dolled up with bows and paint.
It was never good enough though.
You stole more of me every day.

I tore myself apart because
I couldn't be enough.
Even then you yelled at me
"Get over it.. Life is tough"

You never believed me when I said
A thing you didn't like.
I told you I hated you in my life
Always feeding me molten lies.

Even then, you pushed me away
And tore me limb from limb.
Everything I did to myself
Was caused by you, mum, not him.

Bruised and bandaged blisters
On hands ravaged by wars
Against one's own life through years
Paired with cascades of burning tears
And left dangling o'er wooden floors.

Though you may run from your fate,
You'll never escape its iron grasp.
Reality will grab you and hold you down,
Pulling you under a diminished frown
Until you end the pain at last.

You told me that day,
"The girl I knew would never"
and filled the rest in with everything I've done

The girl I knew would never listen to rap or country music
The girl I knew would never have driven down the backroads going 70 .  .  .  80 . . . 90 ... 100 .. 110
The girl I knew would never think about themselves first
The girl I knew would never put their needs above anyone else's
The girl I knew would never wear such revealing clothing
The girl I knew would never been comfortable sharing their thoughts
The girl I knew would never feel sorry for themselves
The girl I knew would never feel comfortable in their own skin
The girl I knew would never stand up for themselves

The girl you used to know hated themselves
The girl you used to know was taken advantaged of and walked all over
The girl you used to know hid their true self
The girl you used to know would have sacrificed anything to satisfy you, even herself
The girl you used to know cried every night
The girl you used to know hurt herself when she couldn't feel anymore
The girl you used to know could never stand up to you

I'm glad you never really knew that girl
And I'm glad she became me

Another shot
Another cut
Another person
Another drug
Another day of numb
Another girlfriend
Another attempt

Just one more

Empty stares and glazed eyes,
dragging my feet walking to the tub.
Stripping down to my bare self,
helplessness washes over me.
I don't want to see what I've done to me,
the scars, fresh marks,
the guilt, shame, pain,
these wash over as I dip into
my memories.

To the few people i've given away my secrets to:

The moments I spilled my truth to you, the fragile flame I call hope had finally emerged from the deepest cracks I call me, and cried for help.

I don’t do it for attention.

Okay maybe i do it for “attention” but when you call help “attention” it makes it feel wrong.

I remember when I realized she was telling on us.

i know when I walk late at night and the quieted light I call life, inside me, flickers weakly and posts my 2, 3, 4am walks for anyone to see
she is screaming for help

I realized one day those walks were filled with hope of an inevitable demise. These sidewalks have no place for any being at hours when demons creep but i'm so comfortable under the moonlight with my demons in tow. ******* help me

One of the most dangerous signs for me is when you think im fine
spoiler alert i dont think ill ever be fine but

You see me in public. You see me smile. You see me reach out and make plans.

This my dear friends is my goodbye

Just to make your last memory sweet because it’s all you ever wanted for me
But so unattainable.. Until now

Her eyes blue
Her hair a soft brown
She is perfect

She doesn't see her worth
She keeps going after the guy that hurt her
Over and Over

I wish she could see how much she is worth
She means the world to me
But she keeps hurtong herslelf for a guy who doesn't love her

I cant stand to see her hurt
She deservs the world
She is tall and smart and beautifull
She is funny and kind and soft
She has soft hands

She's loud but gental
She is a picture perfect girl

All I want is she
She is which I am living
She is which I am happy
She is which I long

She is my Yellow
My Blue
My Red
My Green
My Orange
She is my rainbow
She is my light
She is my stars
She is my galexy
She is my moon

And she is my insomnia
She is my reson
She is my guding hand
And she is the badage of the wounds I give myself
And she is the trash that took the blades
And she is the mended heart break
She is the bottle that I never picked up again
She is the pills I put back in the cabnet
She is...
she
She
SHe
SHE
SHE!!!