sketch a thought
for the girl who wanders
the echoing halls of my mind,
depression’s cold cousin,
smooth as a seal’s fur,
reaching through barriers -
wrapping your fingers around my heart,
only to pull, pull, pull;

i am belly-up
my guts exposed
like the tears that dissipate in the wind
for her.

I once knew her:
mirror, mirror,
held up to myself
and i scream -
have i been a monster?
does the gaslit lamp provide enough light?
it misleads
disfigures
we mould ourselves to marry and martyr
before we know how to speak
truthfully
love is as real and painful as the scars on my back, your wrists, my lips, yours eyes,
my mirror mind
shattered.

you gave me magic,
i gave you happiness
and you returned it
signed: “return to sender”. packaged,
parceled-up,
compartmentalized,
fragmented;
pieces of a beautiful thing
cast out across the tide
pulled along by the current
then sunk
below the water’s surface -
freezing cold
and isolated.

i washed up on shore
in a land not quite Europe
not quite America
with all of the problems
both have,
lovelorn and lost;
i survived there,
somehow -
fresh eyes
drew me forward
to explore this land
in the wake of exploring
so much pain.

now my heart is full
but so is my mind:
with the knowledge of seven years,
who i’ve been,
who i will be,
because we have to change
because i wanted change
because i’m in love and too scared
to utter those words out loud
because i don’t want to rush
or ruin
or reverberate the madness.

i will love new
i will love strong
i will love genuinely
(even when it hurts)
and
i will not give up.

Once i was seven years old, a dream had told me
one day i'd be married under palm trees
Once i was seven years old

I was a girl with a plan but you thought yours was better
You pushed me close to the edge then sent me sweet love letters
By eleven i was broken, crying in your sweater
Never again would i fall, you couldn't stand the pressure

Once i was eleven years old, my brother told me,
don't worry 'bout these boys just get your money
Once i was eleven years old

i always had that dream like my brother before me
so i started working, grinding, started stacking money
Everyone called me honey, cause i was still so sweet
I didn't let the riches change me, never folded in heat

Once i was sixteen years old, the parties got old
The morning after was always so gloomy
Once i was sixteen years old

I almost went to jail, almost ruined my future
who would want to be around a girl that's so stupid?
I had my boys with me, at least that was in my favor
Then those same boys went and put my ******* life in danger

Once i was eighteen years old, being alone got old
I went and found someone who was there at night to hold me
Once i was eighteen years old

Soon we'll be thirty years old, our story pretty bold
We got married barefoot under the palm trees
Soon we'll be thirty years old

Little ones learning about life, our love is constantly growing
I'm so happy as his wife, he's what keeps me going
Most of my friends are in jail, dead or close to dying
I did my best to save them but they just kept justifying
and its so hard to talk to someone when their ego's showing

If I reach sixty-years old, then he'll reach sixty-five
We'll sit back and reminisce of simpler times
When we were young and happy dancing in a waterfall
with nothing to lose because we'd already lost it all

If I don't reach sixty-years old, will my story be told?
Or should i write a book detailing everything?
If i don't reach sixty-years old

If I don't reach sixty-years old, will my story be told?
Or should i write a book so you wont miss a thing?
If i don't reach sixty-years old

Once i was seven years old, a dream had told me
one day i'd be married under palm trees
Once i was seven years old

Once i was seven years old...