Today,
I found out you moved on,
I realized how little you actually loved me.
How little I meant to you
I was doing fine till today
When i seen the post, i tried to hold in the tears
But i couldn't help it. I started to cry,
To be honest I don’t know why
I don’t want to be with you,
But i guess I still love you
Why though why do I love someone  who hurt me so much
How could someone who lied so much
Still have a part of me
But Also today
I realized I need to love myself
I am the only one who can full the hole inside of me
I need to love myself before I try yo love anyone else
I realized I don't need you
You do not determine my worth
All I need is Myself

when i was 8 years old,
i got off the bus.

i got off the bus to two words.
the next 72 hours were spent hiding in a basement.
nothing was coming.
i think, at least...

the whispers in my head told me otherwise though,
so in the basement i stayed.


when i was 10 years old,
the news woman shared stories.

the news woman told me the end was near.
maybe that wasn't her exact words.
i didn't sleep...
just in case.

insomnia became a friend of mine.


when i was twelve years old,
the new year rung in and i was alone.

the house was blanketed in silence,
and i sat on an empty couch,
and everything had seemed so quiet.
a razor blade was my only company.

we became quite close that night.


when i was fourteen years old,
i wandered barren hallways,
adorned with crimson.
they had given me free socks when i'd arrived.

the psych ward was not nearly as loud as the voices in my head.

i am now sixteen years old.
medications flow through my veins,
scars dance up and down my wrists,
and although i am surrounded by people,

i am so alone.


the moral of the story:
tell me when you figure it out,
because trust me, i'm still trying.

Countlessly,
I have found myself with the fleeting desire
to be all the people who have replaced me
and those whose memory I was meant to erase.
Though as quickly as I process the thought,
the wish to be who I am not dies
and I am left only feeling shame.

Shame that for even a split second -
I didn't see my worth,
I thought I wasn't good enough,
I compared myself to another.

Although, mainly shame for in that brief moment,
I didn't love myself.