Okay okay okay okay
I know cursing isn't quite lady like
But what?
Why?
Look at all these tears!
I'm so scared,
Because I'm closer to the edge,
To the cliff that could lead to my falling or our flying
Than I thought
And holy crap *******
I'm so scared because why?
This is so familiar,
So right,
Like a warm hearth
That's always been there
I just never knew where to look
And how why what's going on
Why does this scare me so much
I don't want to be this invested,
But I'm so invested already.
What
How
Did this happen?
I'm terrified
Absolutely terrified.
Happy. Beyond happy.
But scared.
I've never had issues with commitment before,
I've never been afraid of being let down before,
But right now,
Here and now
I'm so scared.
Yeah, I hate rejection,
But that's a human thing.
I've never been so scared
To admit what I feel
But I'm so ******* scared
Holy ******* ****
What do I do?
This sense of blind panic
And fear
And the urge to physically run
As fast and as far as I possibly can
Really isn't helping my asthma.
And I'm having these miniature flashbacks
To when I was pressured into believing love was forced.
And into when I thought loving potential could count
But this is different.
I've loved before.
But it was different.
We knew it wouldn't last,
His dreams took him too far
And my dreams were too domestic.
So we didn't even try.
But **** it,
What am I supposed
To even say?
It's not about familiarity or it being simple or easy
It's about a need
A craving
To see your smile or make you laugh or better some aspect of your life
That makes even this difficult part of life,
That being my newly developing issues with committing to and expressing this feeling
Because of fear,
Refreshing.
Safe.
It's not that you're a safe bet.
It's that you're the only bet I'm willing to risk making.
Did that even make sense?
What
How
Maybe I am damaged
But **** the world if I won't try to be better,
I'm going to be better.
Hand me a needle and thread,
I'll stitch together these tears in my flesh
And pass the glue
I'll put the pieces back myself,
I just might need you around for this part too
Because I only have two hands,
And I'm a ******* mess.
But I can be put back together again.
I can do it myself, as I've said,
But having someone around to hand you the supplies
(Like sewing needles, thread, glue, scissors, and lots of gauze)
Is extremely helpful,
And kind of necessary to not get tangled in your own stitches.
I don't know how to handle this.
Maybe I'll just wait.
Should I stop nearing the edge of the cliff?
But the wind is at my back,
Almost begging me to take off.
Just go, see how far I'll make it alongside you.
It's so natural.
So necessary.
Nothing is forced,
It all just...
Happens.
How can something that feels so right,
Something so real,
Make me so scared?
Okay whatever
Forget it.
Hit the ground running,
Come out swinging,
All the cliches
With the wind at my back
I'm as ready as I'll ever be
Which means I'll never be,
But I need to be so let's go.
C'mon life.
Gimme all you got.
Decisions.
