After researching about the pineal cyst
in my brain. I have finally have answers
to the identity crisis I was experiencing
over the last 15 years.
The pineal cyst was in fact responsible
for my gender confusion
same as the depo injection which caused me more
my issues to worsen and it was all
simply through hormone changes;
It would often increase Testosterone and this
created minor physical changes which made
more hair grow than usual on my legs
and sometimes the hair would even grow
on my chin my mum would have to
pluck them with tweezers as a teenager
I would often feel awkward and
embarrassed of my appearance.
It would also cause mental changes
in the brain and would alter the way I would behave
and led me into participating in more
masculine interests and activities
it would make me more more aggressive
and made my fiery tempers worst.
The hormone changes were so very quick
in the brain causing the confusion,
it even distorted the way I perceived my body image
and would always make me feel like an alien
that never felt comfortable in its own skin.
I never really felt I fit into any category;
there was times where I would talk, behave and dress
very feminine and then there were times
where I looked in the mirror
and the pretty dress I wore a day a go
didn't look or feel right
I would often have a change in clothing
a few days later nd wear more jeans and band t-shirts.
I even wore male clothing in town
so I could blend in and feel more safe
not be targeted sexually by men
who would often make funny and rude gestures
which made my skin crawl.
I fell in love more with wearing an more uniform / neutral
style of clothing like suits and trousers;
I did secretly like wearing my school uniform
as a teenager it would often make me feel more comfortable
I didn't ever feel male or female in puberty
just saw myself as Kim and sometimes
would even address myself more in a more third person
rather than an he or she the older I got
as I was often confused in the direction
I was taking and didn't know
what gender I really was I have learned
over the years to accept this is me
and it will never change.
I didn't think it would be even
possible in my life time to ever have a child
with my bad lifestyle and hormone problems
I was so happy when it did happen
and for a very good reason
it helped me to sort my life out for the better.
Being called mummy however felt alien
at first I have now fully
accepted this name and role for me
in Life and it no longer feels strange.
I will tell Sophie as she grows older when she's a teenager what I have been dealing with over the years
its best to be honest with your kids
and have no secrets.
I have always been honest with my other half
from the start of our relationship
and I want Sophie to grow up
being more open minded
and have some awareness
of gender and body image
she can then appreciate and find her own
identity in Life too.
I will always be there for her
regardless of her choices I will teach her
to think carefully first before making
any important Life decisions that
you can never change again
At one point it felt weird being called
a man or woman;
I don't mind now being called by any of these pronouns
I will respond to being called either of them;
my main preference however would be
for people to simply if in doubt call me
by my first name Kim or Kimmy.
My way to deal with my identity
issues or (dual identity) as I call it
is not in fact to ever reject
or ignore these feelings;
this causes more depression
and alienation in the brain
to get the right moral
support in place.
Talking therapy really helps break the
identity barriers down so I don't feel alone
and to simply take notice of these feelings
and dress more how I'm feeling for the day
sometimes it might just enough
to satisfy these feelings / hormone changes;
One day I will feel comfortable with my identity
for now that's the way I will overcome this issue.
this might make me quirky and strange
to other people but I am just being me.
Trigger Warning - If you are triggered by any gender / identity then feel free to scroll over my poem as I know these issues are very sensitive ones. My poem is a simply break thru of my identity and gender confusion down to hormone issues caused by a pineal cyst that was growing in my brain. I am now dealing with my issues by dressing the way I feel for the day and getting moral support and future gender therapy so I don't feel isolated and alone.
