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1.3k · Jul 2019
Ducking Cupid
Lauren Jul 2019
I’ve been duckin’ cupid
He aint got zip on me
I’ve been duckin’ cupid,
But don’t tell anybody

This heart of mine is off the market
It’s seen too much wear and tear
I’m done with his bad aim
I’m done with his affairs

My heart’s been stricken by his arrows
One too many times
But I refuse to be a girl
Who sits at home and pines

So I’ll keep duckin’ cupid
And put armour ‘round my heart
Shut out love, lock out the world
So no one sees my scars

I’ve been duckin’ cupid
He won’t get zip on me
As long as you keep my secret
Give me your guarantee

Cause I’ve been duckin’ cupid
It’s better don’t you see?
If we duck him together,
then we can both be free

Just tell me one thing though please
before we hit the road
Did you mean it when you told me that
your heart was mine to hold?

‘Cause I’ve been duckin’ cupid,
But he’s caught up with me.
I’ve been duckin’ cupid,
But I’ve finally come to see.

All my heartbreaks led me here
To my past I say adieu
I’ve been running from his love
To fall in love with you.
718 · Jul 2019
Grad School Angst
Lauren Jul 2019
I find myself paddling against the current.

Those ahead ask why I am falling behind.
Those behind don’t see how every stroke wears me down.

It takes everything I have just to stay afloat.
"We began this race after you and have already overtaken you, how pathetic."

I want to give up.
"You have to keep going, you’ve already made it so much farther than us!"

I want to be better.
"Then BE better."

I don’t have the strength.
"You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t strong!"

I worry the current is stronger than I am.
"It is no stronger than ours surely."

My canoe strains against the pressure.
"Your canoe is a GIFT, you mustn't waste it!"

I close my eyes for the briefest of spells, try to steal just a moment of rest.
As I reopen them… I realise that it’s gone.
My goal. What was my goal again?

I have been paddling in this current so long...
Where was I going again?

All I remember is the agony of each stroke,
The words of condemnation for my failures
The presupposition of my achievements.

"You’re a disappointment, you should give up."
"If you give up, you will be a disappointment."

"You’re not good enough to be here."
"You’re too good not to be there."

"Look at your failures!"
"Focus on your accomplishments!"

My canoe breaks, and I am plunged into the icy waters of uncertainty.
I have forgotten what my own voice sounds like.
I need to hear it.
I open my mouth to remind myself, but nothing comes out.
Instead, the current consumes me; inside and out.
What could have been and what could never be are gone.

I am gone.
452 · Sep 2019
Through Your Eyes
Lauren Sep 2019
I want to see me through your eyes,
Disguised as smart, as strong, as funny, as beautiful.  
All these things you say I am.
All these things I say I’m not.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
But I love you, and you love me.
And I know I can’t live on this way
So even if it doesn’t happen today
I want to try to see me through your eyes.
201 · Oct 2019
Before the Dance
Lauren Oct 2019
See how the clock ticks?
Second by second; Minute by minute
Golden hands moving, moving
Never ceasing, ever changing

See her dress flow?
Lace of black, silk of red
Hugging her form; Kissing the floor

See her foot tap in anticipation?
Tap tapping, Clap clapping
Her heel scuffs the floor
Ding, scuff. Ding, scuff.

Now see her pacing
Back and forth, Forth and back

Back to the clock
Hands at a quarter, Quarter ‘til nine

Tick ticking, click clicking
Forward in time, inching towards nine

See her dainty hand rest
Upon the rail to the stairs?
Fingers tap, heels clap
As the clock ticks the time

See her raven hair catch the light?
The silver pins shine
She twirls a stray curl
The clock still  ticks the time

Five minutes left now
She sighs a slight sigh

Then the doorbells chime
As the gold clock strikes nine

An audible gasp as the door opens wide
The clock is forgotten; its tick out of mind
They head to the dance at two past nine
189 · Dec 2019
Death Calls Collect
Lauren Dec 2019
Ring ring ring
The phone inside my head is
Calling
Calling
Calling me to sin
It tells me
Tells me
Tells me just to jump
Get away from it all
Say goodbye to it all
One last look
back upon my life
Tells me
Tells me,
That it is time to go
Nothing here holds meaning anymore
And nothing here is holding me at all
Goodbye, my friends
I wish I had the strength
To fight that urge to throw it all away
Goodbye, my friends
I hope you’ll understand
Goodbye, my friends
The times, they weren’t all bad
Ring ring ring
The phone inside my head is
Calling
Calling
Calling me to sin
It tells me
Tells me
Tells me just to jump
Get away from it all
Say goodbye to it all
Pick up the pieces,
Go back to the board
I’ve heard those lines
I’ve heard it all before
Convince myself
To live for one more day
Convince myself
Get through just one more day
Ring ring ring
That phone inside my head
Is calling
Calling
Calling me to sin
I can’t ignore those calls for me to jump
Now I’m leaving it all
Say goodbye as I fall.
182 · Jun 2020
Picayune
Lauren Jun 2020
Gone
into the moon
I wished
To see you soon
You have ascended to a place I cannot follow
With hopeless grace, a broken bird wallows
Alone amid the fallen blossoms
Spring to summer and summer autumns
Your presence now a hollow spectre
Born bare before my altar
Gone
Into the moon
Wish unfulfilled
My life now picayune
165 · Jul 2019
Dreaming the wrong dream
Lauren Jul 2019
In the depths of sleep, where improbable comes alive,
Where fantasies unfurl and our wildest reveries do strive,

No, I’d never dreamed of you.

The eyes I’d dreamed were azure; vibrant drops, matching sapphires,
Framed like lovely rose bushes with long lashes like briers.
But your eyes are burnt umber, pools of darkness yet they shine,
A synthesis of tenderness and humor by design,

But I’d never dreamed of you

I’d imagined locks of gold, corn silk glinting all aglow.
Flowing tresses without waves; straight as arrows from their bows.
But your tresses are russet, luscious curls like untamed vines,
Dancing in the summer breeze, begetting longing and repine.

Still I’d never dreamed of you.

I’d dreamed up arms to hold me, but they’d depart when I’d wake.
Dream hands could not swipe my tears; impart solace past daybreak.
You’re not what I expected, envisioned or sought after,
But each day in your presence, sates me with blissful laughter.
Yes, dreams cannot construct one’s life; cannot return one’s love,

So though I’d never dreamed of you,
your love was quite enough.
147 · Jun 2020
#gradschool
Lauren Jun 2020
like foxes in the henhouse
no sanity to be found
neither residents nor caregivers
in this broken asylum
#gradschool
137 · Jul 2019
Cinders
Lauren Jul 2019
Echoing, echoing. My howls rebound from the void.
Not even the all consuming spanse of nothingness desires feast upon heart’s laments
Dejected, I am alone.
Where can one such as I, one from whom all shy and to whom all cast their backs, find even a breath of solace?
For a single breath of peace is what I crave, nay, what I require.
I think that I could continue on with this wretched and scattered existence with a single breath.
Or maybe I am mistaken.
Perhaps a breath would fan within me a more consuming hunger.
One which wishes to seize all air, abscond all breaths, until my fire burns out, leaving only dying embers in its wake.
Maybe that is the only fate left for me;
My fate is to devour all who would not pardon me even a glance of acknowledgment.
Ravage these abject lands, leaving neigh but cinders in my wake.
130 · Dec 2019
Azrael's Lullaby
Lauren Dec 2019
Go to sleep, just rest your eyes
In your dreams, your soul takes flight
Abandon here, terrestrial cares
Your waking hours, the real nightmare

As you are, you are enough
On the brink, you’re on the cusp
So take my words, commit to heart
And I’ll give you a brand new start

Transcend this plane, forgo this life
It isn’t worth your eternal strife
Take that leap into abyss
Embracing now death’s sweet kiss

Raise your head, eyes toward the sky
Do not weep as you say goodbye
123 · Jun 2020
Spiders
Lauren Jun 2020
Out of the woodwork
Comes the spiders
Devouring your corpse

Though you're dead, you've much to give
In life you were a failure

Out the woodwork
Comes the spiders
Skittering 'cross your nose

The scent of Rose's lost to you
Away upon the wind

Out the woodwork
Comes the spiders
There's no one there to mourn

There alone there with the spiders
In death as you once lived.

— The End —