Nothing seems to please me after your metaphorical deserting of me.
it couldn't hurt to say a small truth.
you don't trust them enough to forgive you like I do.
it seems your love is conditional
And mine becoming more so
I have  never valued your silence
you have never had the courage to face my honesty
youd think Id have walked away by now?
it seems I'm addicted to hurt
and that there's really no other option.
is there?

her eyes sparkled bright
eyes see the truth of lovers
his eyes betray him

.
 folder: Heart aesthetics

I still remember that kiss you gave me atop a windy cliff
all those years ago.
 I had seen its design in your eyes as they ssoftened
held fast to thier desired destination 
and as I looked up,
neither wanting or not wanting,
afraid of what would come nnext as you leaned closer,
I felt the headiness of your warmth
your arm around my waist
and thought no more of leaving,
rather just collapsing into your design of our duality and merging.
It was a moment lost in time and the beauty of it still wraps my heart.
Even on the coldest days I feel as if it were today.

I remember it this way; 
warm lips nudging,  
melting slowly sweetly,
and rebounding so softly,
drawing ever so gently 
such delicate and soft waves
pressing love into my lips 
the slightest breath
just enough to keep the exquisite reverberating pressures lightly locked intensely passionate yet flighty and light
as not to chase the flutters in my heart away
the sweet mellow taste melding,
collapsing us both into eachother's new beautiful and timeless realities...

Folder: Humanity
I saw them beating you and I could do nothing.

I could not watch anyfurther

you could not scream they would not let you

they would not stop untill you did

I felt sooooo guilty.

I had done nothing for any of you.

i didnt even speak out

I carry your scream with me

I met you on Facebook.

tortured blackened and brused and still they hurt you

still they beat you on the cold floor with boy shorts

evil. evil. evil.

I cry for you

I bleed tears for you

you are my son as much as my own

the terror of your heart

the pain in your soul

the breaking of your body

wont leave me.

I couldnt even share it.

I am a coward.

Evil is as evil does.

blood shed and pain are no Godly ways

Sin is Sin.

I love you for your pain young boy not looking of even 16

I hurt for you

and I loved you the moment I saw your hopless bravery

I know nothing of the other pain only what was shown

I thank you beautiful boy who suffered and suffer and the hands of evil men

You dearest young man have brought me closer to my God

my lovely lamb if I could hold you take it all for you

if I had the courage to do more than see the hopelessness through these tears

dear sweet boy you have saved my soul

may the lord save yours

Dear God,

Please...

Eyes searching desperately for answers I do not have
I cannot give,
Won't give.

The resonance of pain too much
Can't filter it,
Even endurance groans heavily at the need to press on

Illusions cast shadows all the time
You pick the ones you want,
Like,
Desperately need.

You believe them,
Questioning them gently,
till you fool yourself with plausible reasons.
You won't go to the core,
You're afraid of what lives there.

Taunting with its pretty whitewashed name
Nightmares parading as daydreams
Its the perfect master of deception
No one escapes it
It knows you so intricately,
Where every seed of doubt remains unwatered
twisting every nerve given to compulsion,
Deftly it hides you amongst the comfortable lies.

Applause,
Bravo,
A standing ovation
The illusuionst,
every slight of mind, sheer perfection!

What need is there of our pretty sunbleached truth
When you are your own masterful pretty little liar.

Now look what you've done,
Made your cake of clotted fears and twisted fruits
A recipe for disaster
Shhhh,
Mastermind of the tears of one.

Has a nice ring to it,
Don't you think?

I lived hand to mouth
searching the occult mysteries for clues
hoping in Gods I never really believed in
evrytime I got close
i kept being turned away
the veneer truth seem so real
especially when I could see my own reflection.
Praying for deliverance
to Gods I thought I should believe in
the truth came under the shadow of darkness
and the shiny slick oiling of a false hope
desperation was each meal
each thought
each action
every breath
clinging to life
and the shadows closing in
supressed
muzzled and subdued
I called for help
i didn’t know from who
I didn’t know from where
and one shadow reached
I flinched waiting for more of the same
only I was held
lifted up
raised from the death I was living
and I was taken
and weary,
suspicious I waited for pain
but I was fed instead
warmed,
clothed
and housed
educated and never did I think
the glimmer on his charm
hung from his neck
was the hope of all hopes
glory was mine and I hadn’t earned a thing
and so I walk the life dragging my own cross
walking lighter than my sorrows
prouder than my strain
and just like that
all I was made good again
I pay it forward daily
but you don’t know our love for you
look out,
here we come
our backs
holding broken sticks
and taking up all your stones
to save you
and let you know
that you are more than just mere flesh and bone
you are our everything
and we will come for you.
lay down your sticks and stones
and thickened skin
its time to Shine
and thrive.

Lost

A breeze caresses
like the hand that is no more
memories linger

found

eyes meet in heaven
The earth moves with great spirit
hearts weave together


waiting

endles rivers pass
time swirls hopes of love then stills
Eyes gaze lost upstream

betrayal

her eyes beautiful
his hand on her like vines
her eyes beauty died

his hands felt afire
hypnotic waves of passion
end a once true love

reunited

thick harsh forrests grew
Between them branched a heart
Twas an olive grove

longing

across endless stars
hopes find little way closer
to the lost heart beat

Desire

Folding bewtween flesh
woven souls wind through valleys
the molten heat lit

romance

Daisies scatter hills
he picked one of perfection
tracing her gently

I've hurt you and I recognise it
As deep as the torn pieces of aorta I've choked on
How proud you stand defiant in your love of me
How you stich the pieces of my guilt into velvet pillows to lay my head upon
Soothing in your denial of fact
Forgiveness in your heart, pain your eyes
Doubt has settled there
The beat ticks time,
the colours of love bleed
My heart swells,  as yours drains
The words never come no matter how I start,
I wish I'd known
How much
Before i even let it start
Like the sorry caught on my lips
Despite the laboured floundering of my tongue
I cannot bring my self to say
The words I should have remembered
The day I fell from your heart
into your pillows
Never asking how or why
Death is more certain
Than the code written in your eyes
No clues to decipher
Only the way I see your pain

this cool day and light southerly breeze captures me

and in it I find relevance to you.

this is the feeling I get when I am in your presence

the soulful comfort of being home

on the soil that raised me,

on the wind that cooled me

and the rain that refreshed me.

but in that feeling there is another layer

the outer layer. the feeling of loss,

like the wind pushes me this way and that

and the thunder clapping warnings and that fear that strikes me

and the mud that dirites my dress and clogs my shoes

and the freezing draft that leaves me shiver,

and I see the rainbow after I venture back from that crazy escapade

its not the warm and fuzzy picture is was for me.

those are the colours of broken light through my tears

and I will never hold a rainbow in such high regards again

its a fools trick designed for the devils laughter

and though I know my pain is your pain

I wont fight the gods here.

I will wait and plot for the hereafter.

strange tides bring me here to this old place

long chained thoughts still bring me back  into your dark spaces

tiny places in my cold heart still beating with your traces


light feathery touches brush my soul

a soul song calls upon the winds pulling us near wherever

tiny etherial love threads still tangle us together


the wide sea of longing hides my hopes

I lay upon a rock in the calm of the dead sea praying

tiny glimpses of faith hold my love devoutly unswaying


bring yourself home to me my soul love

let death win as we shall when our hearts an souls from sheaths will rise

let us claim what this world will despise, love eternal, our greatest prize.

holding on to love unknown
in a world of crashing hopes
and failing dreams

we are two souls
yearning for places in hearts we don't own.

Folder: God Consciousness
It seems Im lost again.

Im looking through eyes reflected in the mirror

no windows there.



I called and there was no answer.

I cut deals with cheques I couldnt possibly cash.

a desperate act.



the darkness seems to fill up my hollow like smoke.

the white mist of creativity turned haphasard dust floating in swirls of pretty nothingness.

its not evil or sad.



its hovering close by and I can feel it,

and I wonder what it is that i have done to make it flee me again

I know what it is.



hell, I dont even know why or whats going on.

I asked for a way to go there where it was.

is there no wrong healed by my right?



Sorry is a perfunctory word with a perfunctory action.

Its not enough.

it never was.



-----------------------------



its time to admit and move on,

my precious babe I did you wrong,

go peacfully into the light,

I dont deserve to have you near,

its selfish and horrid as it appears.

spread your soul and bring your wings to flight,

i kiss you good bye,

and love you so,

and hope one day we will make it so right

to meet again in a new light.

you are my biggest regret

I must let go.

go in peace my gentle soul,

I will always love you so.





-------------------------





dear love, who ive died a thousand deaths for,

I give you my word,

but my heart I will guard.

I have no understanding of this strange love.

to not want anything but our souls to touch.

I can not see you in my dreams anymore,

to do so drags my soul into darkness,

we have to pay the price of ultimate love.

I can not find the words,

let them be seen in my eyes,

felt across the ways,

I have a love so true oh how they love me I can never count the ways

the truth of proof is too much to bare.

I can not hurt anyone more with my love if it should be divided in two,

the most deserving of my soul,

has the purity of heart.

and your earthly incarnation is not fit for my soul.

the ache in my heart will ever grow as this love prospers

but I owe it to them to show,

that what we have made is real, in truth and wonderful goodness,

what we have made is a blemish.

a soul contract unsactioned

and it can no longer stand alone under the banner of true love.

I send you my warmth and pray that you will find

another love as pure as gentle as mine.

that has seen you grow, and understand that we are not of the physical kind,

and I can offer you nothing now but good will and a friendship to stand till the end of this time,

and space to heal.





-------------------------------





I hope my soul has heard my call,

I miss it so much more than I took for granted.

if you are there, where can I reach you?

I have cut down every branch but yours

yet still you answer me not.

will I have to prove as I have in the past?

let me come home please

I beg you

to the last

tell me where I must come

so that I may reach you

and show you

you are welcome home?



I miss you most of all.

Your indifference
at my disappointment of you
tells me of the imbalance.
Cool eyes and daggers in my heart
claws in my back
split loyalties tear me apart
and still I believe it does the same to you.

Kiss my *** i hope to fly
My speck aint nuthin to that plank in your eye
Hold me down i just get higher
Dead weight or spare tyre
You dont write my story
Youre just the obstacle that keeps em tuned in to my glory
The halo on my head is real
I earned that ****
i traded in my Achilles heel
Your words bounce off
Like water beads off a duck
Because i made my own luck
Lifted with the light of life
Left my fate to the skies above
Justified
I take my place
love you more as you love me less
In the good Lord my sins are confessed
I still make mistakes and yeah ive got the tact of a crate
God loves me anyway and that's just great
like i said truth is king
i do what i do in honour of Him
And for that glory my heart will sing
most important is one thing
i know you can
And those who dont can kiss your ***
I hope you fly
Where your dreams are way up High.
You can.

Folder: God Consciousness
I dont feel very romantic,

I dont want to paint the skies in pastel colours

or drape them in velvet studded glitter.

my pen has run dry,

the well of emotions draws nothing but cold

this mind wont let the heart glow

its too cluttered with pain and fears

the worlds ills have laid themselves on my shoulders

As much as I kneel

there is a nagging

I know I must do something.

I sit still waiting for a divine inspiration

or is it fear?

**** I've got writers block, but -
Oh no! It's gone...
**** I've got writers block, I -
Oh no it's gone...
**** I've got writers block, still -
Oh no it's gone...
**** I've got writers block, manage -
Oh no it's gone...
**** I've got writers block, to -
Oh no it's gone!...
**** I've got writers block, write, write -
Oh no it's gone...
**** I've got writers block, something -
Oh no it's gone...
**** I've got writers block, hypocritically -
Oh **** it's done!

Hauled over the back end of the bed
spread eagled and faced down,
plunging your **** deep inside
***** deep is when you decided to say I love you,
but you couldnt say it when I said it looking into your eyes
at my birthday dinner and June was there watching.

----------------

i flicked the toast over
buttered side to buttered side
just the way you liked it
it was a small thing
I didn't do anymore
you never said a word,
but you knew not to complain
It was the apartment in Brussels when I surprised you
I noticed the toast
and smell of her *** on your fingers.

-----------

She he pushed her stiletto heel into his **** as he both begged her not to and calling her god. She knew he liked it but it kind of left her feeling disappointed. She was rather hoping she was enough.

------------

******* are funny things
I usually forget all about them
excpt when you walk in the room
they just want to leap out and attach themselves to your mouth
clamouring for the privilege of being first.

--------------


your words are sharp and cruel
the sudsy sink hides the long blade clutched
slowly prying opening up a clamshell
your body is rude, imposing,
poking and prodding.
still I can't help but gasp as fingertips nuzzle into my crotch
anticipation of the violence used to free the tight hollow
but this time is different, somehow wary
gently tugged to the side, thumb caressing lips
Puckered crevices fill as soft nudges burn with warmth
gently deeper,
the handle clutched tighter trying to grasp on to anything solid
The veil now lifted you sink below me leaving me with authority
i sudden shock wet lips on wet lips pulses of pleasure ripple
suddenly Im moving into you begging for more
smooth skin glides up my calf and inner thigh the knife released
to Shepard you in you resist mesmerized that the tables have turned so easily,
Finally with all the confidence of a tyrant you begin unleash yourself only you froze, pulled out and walked away.
For ***** sake! and I swore to my self I would drive that god ****** knife into your heart today. You *******! And just like that. The game just changed.

-------------------

Coffee for one again
usually there's two
so you must be ******
was it when I mentioned that name
yu know, when we were both writhing naked on the floor?
It was a simple comparison.
Why so sensitive?
It only happened once.

----------------

the jam sat on the table next to the tea and scones
eyes over easy we looked at each other as she pottered around looking for the cucumber for her sandwiches, she found it in an odd place
and served them as if she had served the queen. We ate them of course most satisfyingly as she harped on about what you did and didn't like
we both agreed we especially liked our cucumber sandwiches,
all the while with your hand in my thighs.

You know i deserve it,
I needed you to show me something more
Something to show me its all worth it.
But, you still defer to your usual devices
It was such a small thing,
Far too big for you though.
It tells me a universe of what i dont want to know.
Too weak to face the truth.
My happiness is not worth thier inconvenience.
You know every sickening detail;
And still.

I drive the city streets at night

praying for a glimpse of you

playing the tapes burned in my mind

anything just to hear your voice

i miss talking to you in that free and easy way we do.

i mis that deep throaty laugh

that tenderness in your eyes

the way you think Im amazing

and the tender nervous way you touched me ever so lightly

a whole world in your touch, the univeral truth in your eyes

a hunter closing in and a deer in headlights by the close

my mind like my car drives in circles

I crave our time

anything to hear your voice

to feel your energy mingle with mine

God I miss you

I just want to feel alive

Far away eyes cast their gaze upon ever rearranging light pins
Fragile connections vibrate amongst a rare and delicate frequency
The atmosphere lightens and sprawls across a mindscape
and darkens just as quickly when the mood beckons
Hanging in the in the air of possibilities I miss your company
Your wise to my closed eyes
My warm heart to your raging calm
My serendipitous words across your concise beauty
I kiss you hello on the wind aiming for your right cheek
The side you let me ride shotgun
But as always
I visit the spaces you leave behind
Not sure if you even care about glancing at the pinholes of patterns I leave behind
I cry a crystallized tear
and put it in a box labeled dearest b.
Hugss always.

She waits for me at midnight
the stars aligned n such a way
as to reveal her sudden beauty
I trace the lines between the sparkles
as if they, like bubbles, would perhaps burst
spouting an array of lights!
alas they twinkle less brightly
she has not yet unveiled.
I sense her close
the air thickened
fuller with anticipation
I have no choice but to offer myself patience
And suddenly the gloriousness of her is revealed
and I am whole in her radiance
filled and alive
luminous, I dance a halo
like I’ve never danced before
the patterns anew
and the footsteps in the sand
spell hope
aligned in the order of a prayer
without even the thought of one
just the joy that hung upon the air.

The ground opened up and swalloed it whole
every bit of salvation poured out for every soul
and it was a day like the 25th that brought the hope
twas a tree that claimed a life and brought life
For you and me
hung on it beads of love
poured with decorations of red
each pattern a new joy
all because of the little boy
who trimmed the first tree
who colored the world happy
for you and me
the stars shone brighter
the rainbows stretched wider
and the joy of little children became the norm
for everywhere the story was told
suffer unto me little children
and I will bring you back glad tidings and joy
and a merriness for this day
and blessings always
for you and me
the best in all Of Christendom
even on the most silent night
the star of wonder still shines bright
for you and me

hugss xo

13 - My life was a diamond shining brightly in the sun
7- Till you came with your shadows
13 - I felt the cool shade but it was an ominous one
7-  Like rope hung over gallows
13- Took the shine in my eyes away and never looked back
7- all that's left is my sorrows.

Delicate tips hover over taut skin
Shudders then Crawling
Waves of static dance
Electric
Tension lapses without breaking
only to build up tighter
Eyes welded shut
Darkness envelops
But time lingers
Longer than imposed eternity
and yet it ends in fading
Only to crackle back to life again
Delicate fingers suspended...

The blood drips linger
afraid to leave the bastion of grace
that sustained them
fibres stretched and pulled
to the brink of profanity
sweat refused
clinging until raised as vapors to the sky
a piercing shriek of a quartz tip entered
somehow sliently
parting flesh from flesh
meat from bone and bitter liquid poured forth
searing a river of flesh devouring agony
a slight reprieve offered nothing but
the biting cold of sullied mead
poured mercilessly upon the lips of truth
to add irrevent pain upon excruciating reverence
the clouds gathered
the ground swelled up and shook
the cracks of the whip deafened
by the thunderous
proclamation
thus it was done
and hope sat in stunned silence
the endless wait began
as the blood drips lingered afraid to touch the sand

**** love. Its a fool's disease with no cure conpulsively offering up pieces, soon fragments then molicules of a heart to be vaporised at will; resigned to watch yourself dissapearing a little more each day hoping to manifest the value of it in a heart you dont own or truly undrstand all the while choosing this pain over and over again.  Only the loved wins. The lover always pays.

Sometimes tradition speaks more loudly than youthful exuberance
but change is an ominous adversary.

---

And who is right?
The loudest one?

captured in your eyes
a searing instant
a thousand millennia and more
converging in that one acceptance
No where to go
acknowledgment of who we are
the sound that crackles through the silence,
surging through our skins
dancing promises of ages
patience, patience wait
love is waiting
in the universe of your eyes
unfailing warmth
deeper colors of pain and joy than ever felt
home in a glance
love in the flicker of eternity
woven though the aether of our souls
the fabric of love,
loose woven quintessence
soul songs meet their harmonies
by an unseen moon
on the corner of forever and never Stream
vivid consciousness resigned to knowing the unknowable
there is no escape
captured in your eyes
there is only time that refuses to go
as it never passes
without the cruelty of spending aeons hostage
In a searing instant
never leaving the constraints of now.

Oh, I had just caught a hint of you in the remnants of my broken memory thumped into me by the shape of your sign on the side of a parked car as I honed my body back to its natural and strong shape. the ritual you started.it  all came flooding back into me by the passing of the breeze over the cliffs above the place you said the words. Though I vowed to slice you away from everything, I knew our eyes locking will always be inevitable. This wasnt it. But it all came flooding back. That hunger, the need, the desire, the look of love and higher places you saw through my eyes. And how we wanted to go there. do you remember that time? it was so close only we were years too late. and Like a fool i began running. running to or from, I wasnt sure but i left and came back purely on a hope, a winged prayer only to send me back to hell and I wasnt afraid to go there. it was your sign, but it wasnt you. it was all i needed to waken my desperate wish to connect with you. Just to stay in the same place and breathe the same air. to find peace in your energy there. I was opened up like never before and forgiveness rang so loud in my ears, it was the one moment where it all could have come undone in me and be the one thing we craved; and you werent even there.

?
Thought of you today;

and a whole world of passion opened up

one I hoped against hope had died.



I tried to walk away graciously carving a new life

I did my best not to look back

but the ghost of you still catches my breath



there are too many yesterdays between us

not enough tomorrows

and an infinite array of could have beens



this is a raw and honest heartfelt union

a law this world can not abide by

so I crave the next world.



where this love on the wind

blows true and that this higher love

has no boundaries between me and you



there is no end between us.

to think such is an intollerable thought

there is only eternity where we wait

impatiently to claim eachother's souls.

Consciously spinning
through my spaces
Looping in and out of you
where is logic?
Where is reason?
Inside this vault where
Secrets of you lie,
I find my reason for being
And my hope for death.
Two orbiting bodies Are we
eclipsed by the moon and sun,
never free but always on the run.
Set on a collision course of fate
Only we missed it by that much!

my words escape me
****, a very versatile word;
I'll use it, *******!