i no longer pray for forgiveness.
i pray for growth.
and for me

that is enough.

I spent near a quarter of my life thus far doing stupid **** for stupid reasons.

I had *** with boys because I could. It didn't change anything; I was still depressed, lonely, and bitter.

I smoked joints because I wanted to. I drank alcohol because there was nothing better to do. I smoke cigarettes because I was too young.

I spent useless years of my life obsessing over what other people thought of me. I spent meaningless time thinking I was in love with boys who didn't love me. I would have done anything for people who would have done nothing for me. I found myself and I lost myself.

I spent useless, meaningless, empty time thinking everything was fine, only to find myself here and now wondering what the **** I was doing.

So here I am. I will no longer waste my time, because I see that there is value in it.

Today my time is valued and important; do not waste my time.

I write this as she sleeps
next to me, with me,
but not with me,
as a testament to the light
she spreads across my pages,
chest moving
in and out,
in and out,
breathing kindness into
these words with her own.
The object of my attention,
affection,
she will rise tomorrow
to the surprise of post-midnight
poetry, hopefully
bringing a smile to her face
as she does mine,
and our small habits
across hundreds of miles
unfold
to become larger rituals,
grander ceremonies,
separated by mere inches.

My heart is a swing
Swinging to conclusions
My mind is a pendulum
Going back and forth, me never making up my mind

Vacillation is a part of my anatomy
It's the chaos that thrills me

And yet I feel so safe
In the womb of certainty.

A career path

The fireplace is full of ash and cold spring is here
walls full of soot time to either get someone to clean
or paint the room.
A cleaner came she refused to clean the wall, a painter
wanted to paint the whole house since that was not
needed, he left in a huff, something about time wasting.
I called my friend from Krakow he has got a steady job,
but is willing to earn some extra the money he saving up
to send his daughter to university, the locals do not see
beyond lunch.
The slow thinking painter came back offered to do the job
painting after five, too late the man from Poland was
coming he left in the darkest of moods.
As for the cleaner, she is selling herself at 30 euros my wife
has got that news from the hairdresser; when thinking of it,
an easier job than cleaning soothed walls even if she has
to unplug rusty pipes.