my heart is unreliable
my temperament
suddenly unpredictable
I am sad
and angry
so lost and alone
in a recognizable
but unpitiable way
it is too universal
it can happen
if we all must suffer
the same
then we all have to cope
right?
and we can’t be the first ones
to hurt like we do
and we aren’t likely
to come up with something
completely new
at least we knew
some common knowledge
just common for us
or whatever, whichever us
is the right us for you
and if also for me
wonderful to hear

We haven’t conquered anything
And that’s okay
It’s frustrating demanding something
Other people don't exactly like
When you and them - or they
Enjoy what they can get
From all the work
You ought to
All be doing
But it seems you’re doing
On your own
They really have a handle on
What you can’t get your head around
But it still feels like
It’s just you that’s doing
What’s important

But what are you doing?

in the longest days of summer
the sun could be up ‘til ten o’clock
PM of course
the night begins then
the street lamps every block or two
when those come on
we’re expected home
that’s nighttime
so the sun’s going down around ten
that’s PM again
and it rises around five
AM if it matters
so there’s barely seven hours of dark
to call night and
that puts midnight
around one-thirty
AM, ya know
so while midnight is twelve
again AM, yeah
twelve AM
it’s not really midnight
well, it is
because midnight is accepted
to be twelve
AM, I know, but
I want to be clear
so if nighttime is
measured in darkness
at least where I am
and particularly
at this point in the year
twelve
AM again
just isn’t the median - how?
at least not of darkness
so midnight
the whole concept
just doesn’t make sense

the spider in the corner
by the ceiling
but not on the ceiling
was expected
but the one that
crawled from beneath
my desk drawers
only to linger
just between the
hidey-hole below him
and the whole -
well, the whole ******* desk
really got me
and I hope he hides
because I'm excitable
a skyward dash
might just as well
be a death sentence
but more power to him
if I'm unaware

Okay, you want to live again
Same question as before:
What for?

I know you’re asking me

Of course I’m asking you -

You see I’m also asking me
Because I’ve answered this before

You’ve also given reason why you shouldn’t

Well, I wasn’t asking you
I’m asking me
And I’ve done a lot of things
I always thought I wouldn’t

But now getting back to me

Of course
It’s always about me

It is

I know
Sometimes I just get bored exploring
“What is wrong with me,” or
“What might make me want to live”

I think there must be some reason

I think there must be some reason

Even you?

Of course you would, but still I wonder

Yes, I wonder

So what for?

Much the problem with connection
If only tethered by affection
Or some pleasurable action -
If there is no obligation
Without pleasure or affection
Should I not just altogether
Discontinue interaction?

I have wondered

I have wondered

There’s continued interaction

And still
Much of it is pleasant
But this isn’t necessarily
Sufficient reason for existence

So you, ask

As if you would rightly know

To be, with reason
It might be said then
Is something beyond you

And beyond me

I think so too

But still
Some reason ought to do-
Regardless if it’s me or you
To think of it

I have to choose

So anything?

Not anything

Then anything that comes to mind?

There must be joy
That we can find in what we do
If I can say what ought to motivate us
You
Or me
Or I
Or somehow us together
Living to enjoy the being
Doing not to cement or gain
Or fight so often
Being for the light and wind
That make clouds, trees, and grass dynamic

For the wind again
For the flight it makes possible

Yes
Even birds could not be what we hope to see
Without unseen
Often unappreciated
Natural forces that peak our interest
Only because of some spectacle

And there is much spectacle

I needed to die - apparently
You keep telling me
You’re going to **** me
But I still take your calls
And invite you into my home
Expecting some drama
I’m just glad not to be caught off guard

“You trust that I’m not gonna **** you”
“Of course”
His arms cinched around my neck.
I really wanted to hold out as long as I could
But I couldn’t go more than a couple of seconds
Before my hand slapped frantically for release

-

He’s got his hands on my shoulders
I’m ******* in air
Which is normal
But I’m somehow ******* down air
Yeah, I know I said ******* in air before
Then ******* down
But however I’m *******
I went from tapping his arm to

- I don’t ******* know -

I just died
For a second at least
And he’s sorry
And I don’t know what for
I said that I trusted him
Sure
I was scared
For a second at least
But I didn’t feel anything anymore
Almost as soon as I started to
Worry that I wasn’t really okay

After all of that
All I can ask is,
"Can you crack my back?"

there’s a portion of my jaw
that’s been decaying for a while
but my dentist said it’s nothing
so I’m living in denial
of the costly surgery to come
if I can even swing it

I’m rotting
I’m rotten
counting on tools
that I sabotage daily
to harness an energy
I can’t generate,
so often,
too often -
I’m looking at the cost of a coffin
instead of getting prepped
for a day in the life