I’m sorry I was late
But you waited patiently
Then stood tall
In your black leather jacket
I was enamored and
Felt myself
Just a little bit
Fall

Into your grasp
Against the side
Of my car
You raised me
Until my neck
Craned over
The luggage rack

Then into the back
Seat we sprawled
Entwined like
Tasting notes
Of a fine wine

Your touch was
Divine
Your lips
Gracing my spine

You never responded
To my texts
I’m sorry I was late
La Grande Bellezza
Now forgotten
                        forever

This cabin smells damp
Tucked away in the timber
Backroaded
Secluded
Welcome to Deer Camp

It was wintertime
And we had to ***
Into a tube in the wall
PVC

I’m at that awkward age
Not lanky
But frumpy and weird
So hand me a rifle
For the slaughter
Of a creature I revered

Man, what we do
To make our fathers proud

My secret was
I hated guns
And loved boys
I really only went on this trip
Because I heard that John
Grilled some mean potatoes

Accented with caramelized
Onions and garlic
The rumors were true
The fire crackles
Against a sky
Of light blue

I watched these men
Bearded and loud
Would I ever be like them?
Did I want to be?
My quiet heart
Felt alien
A freak

I wasn’t a hunter
Instead I gathered
A harvest of me
Thoughts and emotions
Into a cauldron
Of poetry

But I kept that part
Hidden
Tucked away
For another day

The men in their
Camouflage attire
Yawn as the sun sets
I try to fit
Into the cabin
We retire

The lantern’s light
Flickers across
The walls of the room
Sam’s Club candy
For dessert
Distant thunder
Booms

It was bedtime
And a storm was rolling
In the atmosphere and in
My head full of fear

Can someone please
Get me out of here

I cried from my cot
“Please take me home”
My dad glared

What a disappointing
Drive that was
Have I ever not
Let you down?
I think
As blankly ahead
I stared

We pull into the driveway
Ignition turns off
Headlamps extinguish
He unlocks the door
By the light of the moon
I feel
Relief and anguish

Mom was annoyed
This was supposed to be
Her weekend alone
Grieving the death
Of her own mother
She hugs me
While wiping
A tear from her
Cheekbone

Steel Magnolias
And a box of Kleenex
I ruined that

You brought a fairy
To deer camp
What did you expect?

I stood over the sink
Scrubbing our negroni glasses
Wishing the ginger-scented soap
Would wash away the cancer
Because the chemo didn’t work

I was wearing eyeliner
When I first met you
We’d laugh about that later
Over a bottle of wine
And patatas bravas

We always had our weekends
Movie dates and inside jokes
We would guffaw at the
Fuckery of it all
My god your laugh
How it filled a room

I remember when you said
“I love you, Christopher…
because you just GET ME”
You expressed appreciation
For how I carved out time
For our friendship

I reminded you,
“I don’t carve out time for you,
I shove everything away while
screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’”

*******.
I need my Heidi time

For years you were
The most consistent thing in my life
Always there for one another
We were each other’s touchstones
I realize this now more than ever
During my weekends spent alone

Wine tastes different now
Something’s missing
Going to the movies feels strange
It’s like the hero has
Left the frame

Remember when I smoked cigarettes?
You’d *** a drag as we crept
Through early evening traffic
On our way to get gelato
Or if we were feeling sassy
Maybe an affogato

I switched to vaping
When you went into hospice
Then back to menthols
When your spirit left this world

I’m addicted to our memories
More than the nicotine
They bang around my head
Like a song or a scent
Nostalgic  
And
Lingering

You tattooed
“CEDENDO VINCES”
On your wrists
“By yielding, you will win”
My finger traced those words
While I held your hand

Last breaths

But what are deaths?

Transitions
Energy
Shifting
A spark
Returning

/ / /

Those letters live
On my wrists now
A reminder of her
The sister I never had
And sometimes
I still hear her laugh

Same serpent
New skin
She hisses
A fantasy
As she slithers in

My vulnerability
A weakness
An opportunity to
Sell a dream
The bitter
Sheathed in sweetness

I swallowed the lie
And it tasted delicious
Like fresh mint
Crushed
Into a summer mojito
Cool and crisp
Now where do we go?

How about
Lake houses
And concerts
Front porches
And desserts

Then you can

Take me to the beach
Choke me in sand
Call me a king
While twisting me into
A pawn whose silver
You leach

No longer a friend
But a means to an
End

You held my grief
In the palm
Of your hand
Then squeezed it
Like a lime
What an unholy
Crime

The scales have tipped
Your ruse has been revealed
The well is poisoned
Your wine congealed

You are nothing
But a chapter
In my story
Watch as I
Flame your pages
In resplendent
Glory

And
Dermot sang of
A raven and a dove
But in your version
Of a kingdom
Both don’t fly free

Remember me,
Oh viper
The blackbird
With a cigarette lighter
Because
You’ve been flinted
Deleted
And I’m newly
Minted

Recoil from my shine
As the truth
Burns your eyes
I bid you goodnight
And I bid you goodbye

My memory of you
Like your ego
Will wither and fade
Along with
The skin you’ve shed
In the lonely bed
You’ve made

Oh Zion
Call me home
To the shores
Of carcasses
The smell of
Gasoline
Jet skis
Bobbing in the wake
Falling underwater
Let me stay here
For a spell  
/ / /
Oh Lake Michigan
Pull me into your depths
Froth me into
Your waves
Rebirth me
Into a grain
Of sand
Left upon the
Place where
Your waters
Meet land

I breeze into the bar alone
Order a drink then
Waltz on my own

Four fated eyes
Fog machine
Collide

Seven blocks
Until home
Debauchery
On the dome

The ******* twist of
Pinkened papilla
Candled glow
Sandalwood
Vanilla

Your tongue the till
To my loam
I shrill

You blissed me
So sweet
Sugar stains
On my sheet

Your departure
While slippery
Is no less
A victory

The soft velour
Of a Grand Detour

Please don’t notice
My lingering gaze
It’s probably
Just a pubescent phase

But for a little money
You could help and
Join me
In hard candy
Warm tea
and
Raking Beulah’s leaves