I sit in front of my computer
Looking at the blank screen in front of me
Waiting for God to create something for me
And put it in my head

I don't put an ounce of thought
I don't take the careful precision
That is necessary to write a decent poem
I just sit down and write whatever comes to my mind

And when that creativity comes
I mix it in with a little bit of confusing
Jumbles
And
Mispalled words
To throw others off
And attempt to be more effective by adding a bit of italic and bold
As well as add symbolism like a donkey licking the outer rim of my ****

Then when others ask about what I mean
I give some stupid answer
Or if I really want to sound smart
Just say it means nothing at all

Then the people reading my poems praise me
And call my work a masterpiece
And then they wonder why the next few things I put out is ****

I hate myself

I am trapped within the walls of my insatiable desires
I grasp the edifice with my bare hands
And attempt to pull myself up with all my strength
But it is hopeless and I rest against the solid wall

With each passing day of rest
The fortitude within me begins to crumble
I can feel the place beginning to collapse on itself
Trapping me in the rubble

Somebody help me

I cannot just rest I need to find the way out
Before this all crumbles down
Stand up and call
Call to those on the outside to come and save you

They don't come quickly enough
The foundation is in near collapse
I give up and try in vain to climb the edifice by itself
But I cannot do it, there is no way I can do this on my own

I'm glad you've finally came

You have come and saved me just in time
You arrived in time and yelled to me to grab your hand
I took hold of your tender hands
And the hands pulled me up with strength that goes beyond mere power

We reached the other end and we slowly walk away
You tell me not to look back and I obey
We move away from the edifice that once surrounded me
I decide to follow you and never turn back

It all went away

The edifice that once existed had disappeared
Not a single ounce of rubble nor remnants remain
The place where it once sat was covered with beauty
A peace enveloped it as trees began to bear fruit again

The pilgrimage out of the edifice
Would be treacherous to even the strongest of travelers
But you made the process seem easy
The hateful foundation that once was there had collapsed but I have escaped it.
Achieving victory in your name

I have learned to love myself through you

Hearts made of glass
Fragile
Bright
Translucent
Small enough to hold in the palm of our hands

The glass is expensive
Irreplaceable in fact
Each type of heart is crafted
Each in different shapes
Sizes
Curves
Carefully crafted and molded
From two other glass hearts
That became one

It is given to us
As gifts
The twinkle in our eyes
Glows as we receive ours

The glass hearts react
To many different feelings

In sadness it takes the coating
Of your tears
And when it fades it hardens
And becomes stronger

When anger hits it
The glass heart will melt
Unable to take the heat

In happiness it will twinkle
Allowing it to shine through
The eyes of others

But as we grow older
We begin to learn
How we care for our hearts

Some of us are careful
Holding our hearts dearly
Cherishing it
So that it can be
Seen by all
Reachable by all
Available to view and to see
The insides and the outsides

Some of us are careless
Recklessly lending it to others
Throwing it
Shaking it
Using it for the wrong purposes
Until one day it breaks
And it needs to be fixed
The glass is fixable but
It never quite returns to its former translucence

The saddest of all though is when
We pretend it doesn't exist
It's when the glass heart fogs up
Not allowing others to see inside
The twinkle once there disappears
Replaced with something solid
The curves still there
The size still there
But in actuality what made something there
Is gone
It stays that way
Until one day
It shatters
And cannot be repaired

The gift of the glass heart
Must be remembered
It is fragile
Which makes caring for it hard
And though we can hate it for its fragility
We love it because of its translucent beauty
We love it because it makes the eyes on others smile and well as ourselves
We love it because it's us
And it's us that should never be clouded

Strumming on his guitar
He plays a rhythmic blues
He sings out his outburst
To the crowd he doesn't face

It has been said that
Pain is the what makes those
Feel better
Feel something
An ability to possibly feel alive again

Those who decide to inflict pain on oneself
Are trying mainly to create
Mutilation
Possibly attention
Death
But in every circumstance it points to self-harm

Those people don't understand the true meaning of pain

Many people, scientists, family members, friends
Alike
Know that pain is merely the body trying to put itself back together
As in, the body trying to avoid self-harm

The irony is: people who want to feel alive through self-harm
Can't
The pain that people think is just simple pain
Isn't
The only true thing that self-harm can do is
Death

Oh how we are wonderfully made

Going out to the club
I know I'm going to have a good time
I just know it
I'm attractive
Muscular
In the best shape of my life
I have brown puppy dog eyes
And a face to compliment it
Yup off to the club
Cause I know I'm gonna hit that

Using what I learned
I'm all ready to get it at the club
Walk up to a girl say
"What up I got a big ****"
She slapped me in the face
Not a smooth attempt
But I'll get it next time!

Moving on to the next girl
Her eyes look at me
Like a seductive tigress
Fierce
Predatory
Hot
Oh yeah this is happenin'

"Hey girl how you doin?"
"Doin' fine big boy!  How 'bout yourself?"
"Doin' **** baby doll!  You be lookin' hot!"
"You not lookin' so bad yourself big boy!"
"**** straight!  Care to dance?"
"Pssh!  No one be dancing yet!  No one be drunk yet!"
"Who needs to be drunk!?"
"Well I do.  Why don't you buy me a drink big boy?"
"I don't drink and neither should you!"
And that's when she turned away uninterested
Ignoring me for the rest of the night
Who needs her
We don't need alcohol!

Turns out to have a good time
We need alcohol
Cause no one else acts clearly
But I can't drink!
Not out of religion!
Or the law!
Just can't not my thing
So far having a miserable time

I'm a sweaty mess
Not hitting any girls
It was fun when they were sober
Because now they lose their attitudes
All inhibitions are off
All are now the same personality

Now they begin to dance
Guys move behind them
***** rubbing ****
**** rubbing *****
Faster
Faster
Faster
***** pumping out
Flying everywhere
*** on guy
In the pant crotch area
The club smells like sweat and ***** and alcohol

The more good times they have
The drunker they get
The more they seem to drift off
What they gain in ****
I lose in fun

"I wanna *******!"
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna ******* big boy!"
"Sorry I'm not in the mood."
"How big is that ****?"
I'm hard
Why am I hard?
**** I shouldn't be hard!
"Ooo you're big, I wanna ****!"

Everything I came here for
In front of me
But it's wrong!
She's wasted!
I can't do this!
Why didn't this happen earlier!
But I wanna ****!
I should do it anyway!
"Give me an answer babe!  Yes or no."
Spinning spinning I have to say it

"No.... I can't, you're drunk"
"Hell yeah I'm drunk!  Take advantage of me!"
"Please don't.  I honestly have no idea what I'm doing"
"I'm gonna go dance with someone else"
"******* man!  You're *******!"
And ***** is now on my shirt
That is just great

Get home from club
Think about my chances of getting laid
Then realize that maybe that that isn't what I wanted in the first place
Maybe that lifestyle isn't me
Even if I wanted it to be
For just a night
Probably good that it isn't
Cause I'd **** at it

You are one
That I worship
Better than me
For I am nothing but a lowly servant

My arms reach to be in your presence
You outstretch yours to pull me up
You are above me even when I'm up
You still control me, you have me

I am at near your level
I have achieved you, yet I am not your equal
You are a nirvana that could not be reached
As I wrap my hands around you

My desire
My wish
My everything
My somniferum

You aren't real though
You never were
You were something that I created
In my imagination

I made you
Because I needed the myth
And I discovered
As bad as I want to
I can never make you real

When a piece of cloth is torn up
The pieces are separated
The cloth can be torn for many reasons
Abuse, being too frequently handled, neglect, or simply being worn out

When the cloth is torn the pieces drift
Multiple areas that can be difficult to find
Finding the pieces may take weeks, months, years
But the pieces will always be found and sown together again

When they are together though the pieces aren't the same
The pieces have gone to multiple areas and are shaped differently
They take different colors, shapes, sizes and textures
The cloth might not be the same for better or worse but at least the pieces are intact

I sit down
On my privileged white boy ***
Spinning around in my black chair
And think of a poem to write

How could I not think of anything that I can write about?
There are so many topics and problems of the world!
Love
Hate
Drugs
Alcohol
Adolescence
Birth
Death
******
Retribution
Revenge  
Racism
Sexism
*** in general
****
Feminism
****
The one percent
The ninety-nine percent
Books
Poems
And many more but I'll break down why I can't think of these

Love
Cliche topic
Written my say about it
Already
Already have so many poems
On that topic
I don't wanna do the boring old
Topic tonight

Hate
Now there's a topic I haven't covered
But like love
It's cliche
Skip that for tonight
I don't have a say on the matter now
Other than I hate people who don't like me

Drugs
I've never touched a drug
I've met people influenced by drugs
But not that well
Can't write about
How good they are
Maybe how bad they are
But I don't know people well enough
Who can teach me how bad they are
So I'll move along

Alcohol
**** I'm lame
A poet who has never
Gotten drunk once
I'm a shame to the poetry community

Adolescence
It ******
Girls didn't like me very much
My crotch itched all the time
Wanted to *******
About twenty times a day
A different day to write about that

Birth
Don't remember it
I've had rebirths
But I don't think that counts

Death
My grandma died!
Oh, but I didn't know her very well
It'd be quite false to lament
That much about it

******
Why even bother
Never murdered
Have wanted to ****** on plenty of occasions
But only to the extent that everyone else does
Not interesting enough
Next

Retribution
O.K well I can talk
A lot about that
But not in the mood

Revenge
Isn't that similar
To retribution?
Why'd I even list that?

Racism
I'm white
Can't get much better than that
I get socioeconomic benefits
Which makes me a pretty lucky guy
And plus
If I were to be called a *****
On the streets by a person
It really wouldn't ruin my day

Sexism
I'm a man
I get the benefits of being a man
More pay
More respect
Yup got nothing to write about there

*** in general
Well I'm a ******
Ain't I pathetic
So unless you want
A sloppy description
Of how awesome it feels
To get my **** wet
Then I'm not gonna bother

****
I've never been *****
And I'm a pretty strong guy
In general
I've never experienced ****
Nor known someone really well
Who has been *****
And it's pretty obvious
**** is bad
So there isn't that much else
To say about it

Feminism
I agree equality for women is awesome
Equal pay
Equal respect
But I think changing the spelling
From woman to womyn
Is a bit bizarre.....
To touchy a topic
Don't wanna lose the female audience
No writing of that tonight

****
There's a lot of it
Out there
Most people agree
That it disrespects women
And desensitizes men to the
Idea of ****
So I really don't have
Much to add in this matter
Other than to not really use it

The one percent
They're rich
They make more money than you
We learned in economics
If we had total equality
We wouldn't be efficient
Although at the same time
More middle ground should be made
I'm sure they aren't greedy *******
In total though

The ninety-nine percent
They have every right
To be completely angry
But I already covered them
In my last poem
So ***** that for tonight

Books
Who doesn't love to pick up
And read a good book
But why change it to a poem
Doesn't that **** with the writer's
Original intention and could scope the message?
Shouldn't we leave it to the lit crits to take care of that?
I think it does
I'll move on

Poems
I think I'm already talking about that

Within the fire
There is destruction
Burning the homes
Of the destitute souls
Crawling and begging for death

"Answer me!" they say, "Come down and cool our tongues."
Though no one comes
They stay alone in there sadness
Empty in the dark
Gritting their teeth as they try to crawl their way out
But they cannot reach nor feel relief
They never will again

Within the fire
There is light
Guiding the way home
To those who search for it
Returning back to open arms

"Never will I fear again!" they say, "I will never thirst again."
They take feast
At a seat amongst the highest table
Their images clear and bright
Taking the food in which they enjoy but no longer need
Feeling no pain and suffering
They never will again

The world is on fire
Fire leads the way
The way to destruction or the way home
The way home is wide open
Open to those that use the fire to find it

What makes a brother
Is it covering ones back?
I tend to doubt that
Telling him that
"Yes, because I love you, everything not allowed by our parents can be allowed by me"
Is not what makes a brother

I've failed you in the past
I've have not been a good role model
The words I wrote on the board in the past
Were mired with ****
Now while I'm figured out
You're on a downward spiral
And because of me
You don't even know it yet

It ***** to know that when
I'm trying to be a good brother for once
You tell me that I'm not a real brother
That I'm only the pet of Mom and Dad

Whatever you say I won't care
The difference between me and you
Is that I'm not the one that is
Falling behind the curve
And I know that every
Tough decision I make
Pushes you forward
Because I know
How to push you forward
Instead of back
And you can kick
And scream
And whine
All you want
But ****** you're going forward
Because I owe you that

What makes a brother
Is to correct you when
You're steering in the wrong direction
And even though you might hate me now
I hope you'll understand later on

They're *******
Get over it

When it was simple
My life was simple
Yes my life had life to it
It was fun to have fun

When it was simple
You first looked at me
And gave me a smile
Maybe you thought I was silly
Maybe you thought I was fun
But regardless something sparked

When it was simple
The hardest task was to tell one another
That we liked each other
That we felt something that one another
Did not quite feel before

When it was simple
We couldn't even dance
With one another
The nerves of the skin of my hands
Touching the smooth sensation of your shoulders
Was too much for me
The ability to look in your eyes
Too blinding
The smell of your hair
Brushing against my nose
Too perfect of an aroma to fathom

When it was simple
You were so nervous
You couldn't be in the same
Vicinity as me
The excitement too much for you
You left and came back
And told me later that you were sorry

When it was simple
I nervously gave you
A kiss on the cheek
You were petrified
Never feeling these experiences before
You told me later that you
Didn't want to move too fast

When it was simple
I made a massive mistake
And decided to end it abruptly
And go with another girl
But you took me back
With open arms
But I was a liar
And made things more tougher
But we were still there the whole time
It seemed tough but it was still simple

When it was simple
You were nervous to kiss me
Not wanting things between us to get messed up
When looking back it now seems kinda true
But the sensation between our lips and tongue
Were simply too good to resist

Now things that once seemed complicated and rich
Seem like pure simplicity
With each repetition of it
Be slower and more simpler

As for us
After all that we've done
To each other
It will be hard for us
To go back again
And although this is all seen as simple
For me it doesn't lose its richness
Maybe it does for you
Since I've caused so much damage to you
But perhaps you can go back
And find the richness of it
But I don't know
All I do know is that
Any pain helps when you can at least remember
When it was simple

I don't act the same
I'm nicer than I've ever been
My jokes are sharper
People actually like me now
I'm respected in my community
I'm a leader
I'm an actual Christ follower now
But why am I still here?

I don't look the same
My ****** hair grows faster
I wear glasses now
I've gotten kind of paler
I slick my hair back
I have gray hair
And now I'm balding
But why am I still here?

I don't live in the same conditions now
House is smaller
I maintain it, cook it, clean it, pay it
I don't have people cater to me
I cater to myself and those who live around me
I have my own van
Van is *****
***** is my room which is why I only now clean it
But why am I still here?

Why am I still in this place?
I feel lonely even when I know people love me
I sometimes feel like I'm sinking and no one can pull me out
I'm still angry no matter how hard I try
I still have the darkness inside me
It's trying to overtake me
God can help me but I don't know how

There is a void between us
That I wish I could reach across of
I wish that I could be held once in awhile
I'm kind of tired to doing the holding
What I desire is rest and to not be there anymore
To be called to so I may be comforted so I can comfort
I won't refuse for a second if that happens
I don't want to ask why anymore and instead exclaim, "Thank God!"

It isn't that you are technically apart of me
It's that I feel you are technically apart of me
It isn't that you are a limb to me
It's that you feel like a limb to me

It isn't that you are perfect for me
It's that I feel you are perfect for me
It isn't that I need you to live
It's that I feel like I'd die without you

When I look at myself
all I can see is
*******
arrogant
*****
I learned this from you

I taught you that nothing you ever did was good enough
not for you
or anyone else
You would never be enough

I take the words right out of your poem
Because they speak truth
I look back at what I did
with constant shame
That I could be so hateful toward someone that I cared about

I hope you don't think that what I taught you
is what love is
To **** someone completely dry
of everything they have
Until one has power over the other

I hope you know love is beautiful
and not something that you should fear
That it's to be wrapped in compassion and loving arms
Not pointing fingers and accusations

I'm sorry that you remember my anger
My ridiculous pleading for you to follow
impossible commands
I'm sorry that you remember my words
Those words were horrible
I always wish that I could change that

You are right, you owe me nothing
But I owe you something
I owe you an apology for everything I've done
For all the lies
For all the humiliation
For all the hateful words
And for all the times that I made you question your self worth

My only hope is that you can forgive me
but you have no reasons to because I can't even forgive myself
Sometimes it's so bad that I can't sleep
I've often thought about contacting you
and apologizing before but I heard you don't want to see me
So I try to keep it that way

I'm sorry you had to teach yourself to love who you are
You shouldn't have needed to do that
I'm glad you were strong enough to reassemble the pieces
I don't know if I could do that if someone did that to me

I also want to let you know something
That you were right about a lot of things
And that our current state is completely my fault
And to also thank you for trying to be my friend
Because I wouldn't have wanted to be my friend

Finally I want to let you know this
That you are completely right
You are beautiful
You are loveable
And you are worth a lot more of something than I'll ever be
No one will ever change that

I remembered every movie I've ever seen with you
I remembered every date I used to go on with you
Every restaurant
Every park
Every time we shared I remembered

Sometimes I wished I could have an eternal sunshine
But sometimes I wanted to hold on to the memories we made
Even though they tortured me daily
And I was left mostly of the memory of the day you left me

I was scared
Terrified
Every second of that day felt like a repeated stab to the stomach
And with each moment before it would fade I just wanted to keep it there
Then you told me and gutted me

My insides laid out before you
What I am truly laid out before you
And you turned around
And you left me

I told you that it was alright
That I can put myself back together
It wasn't the first time I've been cut open
It'd be easy to seal up the wound this time

But I can't
The wound is too deep
Parts of it my fault and part of it yours
It won't go back in

Now my insides are nothing
First they rotted
Then they disintegrated
Now all I am left with is nothing but hollow emptiness

When I wake up in the morning
Peaceful waves of blue is all I see
Glistening, inviting me to jump in and sink deeply

The idea of sinking can imply drowning
But the feeling I seek to convey is a baptism
Sinking me down into the bluest abyss
Until the feeling lets me rise up as a stronger
Spiritually renewed man

Content with the feeling I watch your eyes
Sinking me down and pulling me up again and again
Continually making me more and more renewed
Always, every day, making me strong than I have been.