this is you living when you are standing beneath the vast expanse of ocean blue sky, under winter white clouds; hands in the air and wind in your face. the mountain is cold but you are warm and the moon is up even though the sun still shines. heavy breaths don't mean anything here, not when you're at eye level with the sky and every step on ground is the same as flying in the air. the sky and you are one, breaths mingling and every atom in your being - zillions and trillions of them - a part of the canvas that paints our planet with the light that is the sun and moon, the lanterns that are our stars. as you are still and the voices blur in the background, with your arms high and laughter ringing; a smile creeps onto your face, slow and sly like the waning curve of the pale moon.

this is you living when there are two children in your arms and the gentle pull of their hands against your arms along their torsos sparks the love in your tired heart. it is their innocence and their smiles that ignite your ***** into working again, the steady pulse growing stronger with every hug and memory. they tell you they love you and will miss you always, and then you realise there is nothing like falling in love all over again, and as you wave goodbye you know that love will always hurt you, but it is always worth suffering for.

this is you living when you are on the road trip of your life with the people you have come to love, in a little van with cream coloured seats and tinted glass windows; screaming at the top of your lungs to the constant beat of the house music that blasts fervently in the background, only because your driver secretly believes he owns a portable club. there is dancing and singing and repeated laughter, hands and heart abandoned to the winding roads of this new and foreign country that already feels like home. trees and buildings and scenery flies past the windows and when the door opens at every stop, others gape and only wish they were where you are.

this is you living when you are on the plane ride home and there are continued drops and shakes and little quakes that make others faint. you are an exception to this rule, a grin on your face and sparks in your eyes at the excitement of it all - because when you're flying above the clouds it feels free and you feel alive. living. actually being. and in that moment, all these things come together and you realise this is it. this is everything you've wanted and everything you thought could never happen but happened anyway. and despite the heartache and the brokenness that lingers in the corners of your soul, this is the part in your existence that makes you glad that you still exist, that you are breathing and here and alive.

this is how to live, and i will live it all.

(A.H.Z)

Unfortunately, the sun does set at night
and I am no longer able to see your face in the sunlight.
As I reach out my hands to find your cheeks
silk honey skin greets me.
You open your eyes and I see them perfectly.
They're blue like water that has frozen over
I see myself drifting away in the seas chillingly.

Sweetheart, don't leave the bed tonight.
Lose yourself in the sheets
and drown in all the oversized blankets.
It's too cold outside to be alone this time.

It's 10 pm and I want to stay here forever
I will not grow tired of you
It is not possible, you see I smile all the time when you're near.
Let's grow old to the grey,
Never let this get boring.
But for now, sleep with me here until the morning

He clings onto a breeze that's already found another head of hair to ruffle and selection of papers to rummage through
With emerald eyes losing the sparkles that once blinded a woman with a tendency to fall in love at the mere sight of a soft glow hidden beneath a smile or carrying the heavy bags under tired eyes

He clutches onto an evanescent sun, hiding behind a set of rusting leaves, carried away by the soft wind
With chapped lips losing the color that once ran vibrantly through his veins, enthralling a woman to fall to his tender kiss as he wrapped her into him

He embraces the steaming cup of coffee his fingers curl around, warming his increasingly numb hands, frozen by the air's cold and bitter bite
With silky brown hair just peaking out of his cap losing it's electrification that once enticed a photograph from a woman who was attracted to his gentle, supple caress

He releases his frozen breath that consumes the environment in front of him, a misty fog that possesses his vision
With racing tears flooding his face, the cries almost push themselves through, but instead put out the fires blazing inside his conscious, left over from a woman that used to leave matches beside his heart when the winter encountered his soul

He scratches the memories from his mind that seemed to overpower his every thought, imperializing his every emotion, raising an assortment of rages within
With uneven heartbeats blurring his mind, erasing his train of thought only to get off at the next stop where a woman stands and delivers a devilish kiss to his chapped lips, filling him with life only to **** it all out of him as she pulls away

Anarchy, deception, release, anguish
He can't tell the time on his watch as his vision fades into the darkness of the sky that seemed to be a reflection of his inner being
A devil in disguise, he fell into Hell when he fell beside her in bed
Anarchy, deception, release, anguish
He's been through all of the seasons
He's been through all of the stages

He tears apart the heavy veneer holding him back from living
The elasticity of his sanity stretching as far as it possibly could
The woman that once sewed him together
Has now severed each and every stitch that made him whole
But he lets go
He throws away his coffee and travels on
Leaving the memories and the anger buried in the dirt he stood upon moments ago
He's finally freed from the evils that sought out to ruin him

I'm doomed
I'm so whipped
I want you attached
Right to my hip

These thoughts of you
Never dissipate
Your *** is
All I anticipate

Every time I think of you
It really turns me on
It feels so good
It feels so wrong

I've never felt
Such a strong
Urge
Want
Need
I go
Wherever
You lead

This is so deeply rooted
In my mind
In my heart
In my body
That's how I know it's real
It's why I want you
Beside me

It would be torture
To live without you
So I'm really hoping
I don't have to

He poured the coffee
Into the cup
He put the milk
Into the cup of coffee
He put the sugar
Into the coffee with milk
With a small spoon
He churned
He drank the coffee
And he put down the cup
Without any word to me
He emptied the coffee with milk
And he put down the cup
Without any word to me
He lighted
One cigarette
He made circles
With the smoke
He shook off the ash
Into the ashtray
Without any word to me
Without any look at me
He got up
He put on
A hat on his head
He put on
A raincoat
Because it was raining
And he left
Into the rain
Without any word to me
Without any look at me
And I buried
My face in my hands
And I cried

Gangsta

I'm the gangsta who can rap,
give me **** and on your face I'll crap.
I'm the gangsta who is white,
you all know my rhymes are tight.
I'm the gangsta who calls the shots,
inside my head are tiny blood clots.
I'm the gangsta who will kick your ***,
show me respect, or I'll take you to class.
I'm the gangsta who does no wrong,
only the good stuff, goes into my big ****.
I'm the gangsta who needs no gun,
carrying a pen is much more fun.
I'm the gangsta loved by all,
black people call me the chosen cue ball.
I'm the gangsta who needs no posse,
hating people who are to **** bossy.
I'm the gangsta who poses no threat,
always broke and knee deep in debt.
I'm the gangsta who likes living,
never forgets, but sometimes forgiving.
I'm the gangsta who doesn't care,
walking around in my stained underwear.
I'm the gangsta who can't sing,
but if I bite, it will sting.
I'm the gangsta like no other,
if you don't believe, just ask my mother.

Love is not a drug
Because that would imply that
Love is a bad thing

There are some nights
when I love the taste of water,
but I reach for whiskey instead.
I'll lay somewhat less awake in bed
until the morning when I know
I'll swallow enough in the shower.

It's nothing insurmountable,
like the cleanliness of an infant being baptized.
The congregation stares straight-mouthed
until the next baby is washed
and it stares blankly into the crowd
and the parents are proud.