Go to work.
Listen to music.
Go for a run.
Hula hoop.
Play Pokemon Go.
Play Pokemon Yellow.
Lay down and stare at the ceiling.
Overthink.
No, don't do that.
Get up.
Message you.
Know you won't answer.
Go over friend's house.
You didn't.
Go home.
Overthink.
Give up.
Go to bed early so the day will be over.

There was a long period of time where I was not fond of my name.
My name was just an identity that was ****** upon me at birth.
I had no connection to it.
My name was just a phrase people would use to get my attention.
But when my name escaped your lips  I couldn't help but fall in love with it.

Saying, "I love you," isn't big enough for what I really feel.

I will always blame myself first before I blame anyone else.

You have just made it a whole hell of a lot easier not to hate everything about myself.

"It happened eight months ago. You should be okay by now. It isn't an excuse." I'm told after admitting I don't have the drive to really do anything anymore. I really wasn't trying to use it as an excuse.

Today I was going for a run,
It was beautiful out. The sun was hitting the trees in such a way that I would never be able to capture fully with a camera.
I had just gotten back from a family party.

I was thinking about it, who I saw, what went on, something was missing, someone was missing, suddenly I was not running anymore.

I was crying. I was hunched over trying to compose myself. I began to panic.

The words from his note, "I'm sorry" flashed in my head like police lights. What could I have done? I asked. There was nothing you could do. I told myself.

Each realization hit me like a bullet. Memories flooded into my mind. Just short beautiful moments.

I tried to push them back so desperately. I want to save them. I do not want to wear them out to the point where one day I will not be able to remember the crinkled eyed smile I loved so much.

I tried to catch my breath. It was no use. I couldn't.

I haven't been able to since September. I don't feel like I will ever be able to.

Almost eight months ago my grandfather took his own life and I'm told I should be okay. I'm told I should be able to go about my life normally.

"Okay." I respond.

I still expect your name to pop up in my open Facebook tab.
A message has been sent from so and so,
Maybe in reply to me,
Maybe with some weird picture you thought I would get a laugh out of,
Maybe just to say hello.
I know you won't.
I know it.

Even after we have not talked for some time
A part of me still expects you to be there.
A part of me hopes you still care.

Maybe you just became a habit.
Like every morning I make a coffee with breakfast and whenever I don't have that my entire day is thrown off. It has gotten to the point where I need that coffee in order to function. It may not be a good habit. I may be addicted to caffeine even. The point is that you are like my morning coffee without you I feel off.

I know that one day I won't feel that way. Like, if I did not drink coffee for long enough eventually things would be fine. Would it be the same with you? I hope so. But I don't think feelings are the same as caffeine addiction.