There are times I feel like my brain has shattered into a million shards of ice
Reflecting the rainbows of the sun's light
Each color a memory that I can't shake free

And there are times I feel like the world is mine
Like every millisecond is a luxury of sights and sounds

Sleepless weeks alternating with weeks of sleep
The handful of pills never quite evening up the scale

Tortured dreams from which I wake screaming or paralyzed
Unable to do anything but fear

But even in the worst days I look back on my lifelong roller coaster ride and remember this:

You can't enjoy the ride if the track stays flat. If your car doesn't sink it can't rise

sure glad everyone else found someone
i'm sitting in tornadoes of chaos and not making a sound
i’m full of all this undirected yearning which means i’m
full of ******* empty
and what a death-ridden paradox that is
everything seems like a riddle these days
but i’ve lost all energy for solving and its not like
anything could be worth solving when you are not here anyhow
open fields are caging me and i want a release
there are chains around my bare wrists and you need to take them off
where did you go anyway
i’m stumbling along clean swept paths
i’m tripping over nonexistent obstacles
i’m grabbing for a match because i’d rather burn myself
burn it all away so i won’t have to see all the things that aren’t there
namely you
and all the bleeding black that’s left
constant headaches like a companion and i’m begging to be blind
penny for the pained?
someone sit me down and explain the idiosyncratic theory
of why we make people into homes
and why we remember the nightmares but can’t grasp the dreams
where is the warmth to reside within
and why did you leave?

-*k.c.

To smile
Not knowing
Whether you mean it
It hurts