If not the love we desperately sought,
what else could ache more?
Even a pluviophile would take cover
from a torrential downpour...

I've been watching him from afar
I was seven when the spark lit my heart
He was always on fire, up on the stage,
insightful and underweight

It's just a farfetching crush,
Turned into a vision for my life trajectory
Like an infamous gold rush,
I did everything just to go downhill

A story about delusions and dilemmas
Infatuation and inevitable non grata
How I follow the trails of his shadows
Breadcrumbs by his back show untold

In the alma mater
I learned I don't matter
I am too familiar with his glares
And yet, I can't and won't stop and stare

I am too conversant with his scoffs
Everytime he hears my name
And still, I don't know how to dislike
His disapproval of my existence

There's this itch I need to scratch
There's this ick... I am down, down so bad
I want to know him more and more
Heaven is if he noticed me in a new lore

It's obsession and overflowing adoration
He's an ever-changing stock price
I'm the stagnant river by his home
One that stays true in every trials

This is a tale about my small town pride
It's about his fair flair, black hair,
and his four-tiered brown eyes
A blessing erudite to the Australian sky

I walk on the clouds just to see him smile
Free-falling in fatal gravity like a lifestyle
Huff and puff, I can disappear, go all out
Just so his frown can turn upside down

I'd hide and erase marks of my being
I'd shrink in contra of his upbringing
Just so he can breathe a fresh air,
Oxygen purified from my suffocating self

God, I wish I'm not so ahead of myself
Sometimes I think I put him on a shelf
Somewhere too high,
A pedestal I could not reach or climb

He is dazzling,
With an impeccable bloodline
I am a dim light,
A soul-sucker with sad eyes

We're the total opposite, like parallel lines
That will never meet
Puzzle pieces and jigsaws
That will never fit

Loving him from afar, that's all I ask
In distance, I keep him in sweet memoirs
In distance, I am safe from his rejection
In distance, I bask in dejected appreciation

I want him happy for he is so amazing
I don't dare of wanting or pursuing him
Such beauty shan't get tainted by me
I will let him be...I will let him live

One day when I'm at his wedding,
I'd be the happiest girl ever
For I'm free of shackles for a lifetime
Him living rent-free... haunting my mind

𝘰𝑛𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝, 𝘵𝑤𝘰 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑠, 𝘵ℎ𝘳𝑒𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑠
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗖𝝖𝝢𝗧 𝝖𝗟𝗪𝝖𝝪𝗦 𝗗𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝗦 𝗧𝝤 𝗠𝗘,
𝚰'𝗠 𝝖 𝗚𝗥𝝤𝗪𝝢 𝗠𝝖𝝢 𝝖𝗟𝗥𝗘𝝖𝗗𝝪!

𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑙𝘰𝑢𝑑𝑠 𝑙𝘰𝘰𝑘 𝑠𝘰 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝘵𝘰𝑑𝑎𝑦, 𝑠𝑘𝑦 𝑖𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑏𝑙𝑢𝑒
𝗟𝝤𝝤𝗞 𝝖𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗩𝝤𝚰𝗖𝗘,
𝗪𝗛𝝤 𝗗𝝤 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗞 𝝪𝝤𝗨'𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝝖𝗟𝗞𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗧𝝤?!

𝑖 𝑤𝘰𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝘵𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝘵 𝑛𝘰𝑤
𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝗧𝗪𝗘𝝢𝗧𝝪-𝝤𝝢𝗘 𝝪𝗘𝝖𝗥𝗦, 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝗧𝗪𝗘𝝢𝗧𝝪-𝝤𝝢𝗘 𝝪𝗘𝝖𝗥𝗦,
𝚰'𝗩𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗘𝝢 𝗗𝝤𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥𝝪𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗧𝝤𝗟𝗗 𝗠𝗘 𝗧𝝤, 𝗪𝝤𝗪!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 🝡𝑖𝑒𝑙𝑑𝑠 𝘰🝡 𝘨𝘳𝑎𝑠𝑠 𝑙𝘰𝘰𝑘𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑠𝘰🝡𝘵
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗘𝗫𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗧𝝖𝗧𝚰𝝤𝝢𝗦, 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥
'𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝗪𝚰𝗟𝗟 𝗣𝗘𝝤𝗣𝗟𝗘 𝗦𝝖𝝪? 𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧'𝗗 𝗕𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝚰𝗥 𝗧𝗛𝝤𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧𝗦?'!

𝘰ℎ, 𝘵ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝑘𝑖𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝘳 𝑚𝘰𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳, ℎ𝘰𝑤 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒
𝗪𝗘 𝝤𝝢𝗟𝝪 𝗪𝝖𝝢𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗦𝗧 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝝪𝝤𝗨, 𝗪𝗛𝝪 𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗨𝝢𝗗𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗧𝝖𝝢𝗗, 𝗪𝗛𝝪 𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗚𝗘𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝗥𝚰𝗚𝗛𝗧?!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑖𝘳𝑑𝑠 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝘵 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝘰𝘵 🝡𝘰𝘳 🝡𝑙𝑦𝑖𝑛𝘨 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳 𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑛 🝡𝘰𝘳 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝑙𝘰𝑛𝘨
𝝤𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗣𝗘𝝤𝗣𝗟𝗘 𝗗𝝤𝝢'𝗧 𝗗𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝗦 𝗧𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝚰𝗥 𝗖𝗛𝚰𝗟𝗗𝗥𝗘𝝢,
𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨'𝗥𝗘 𝗗𝝤𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝚰𝗦 𝗪𝗥𝝤𝝢𝗚!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 𝑚𝘰𝑢𝑛𝘵𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑠...ℎ𝑚𝑚 ℎ𝑖𝑘𝑖𝑛𝘨 𝑠𝘰𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒
𝝢𝝤 𝗪𝝤𝝢𝗗𝗘𝗥 𝗛𝗘 𝗟𝗘𝗙𝗧 𝗨𝗦, 𝚰𝗧'𝗦 𝗕𝗘𝗖𝝖𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝝤𝗙 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗙𝝖𝗨𝗟𝗧,
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗙𝝖𝚰𝗟𝗘𝗗, 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝢𝝤𝗪, 𝗦𝗘𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗥𝚰𝗖𝗘!

𝘵ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝘳𝑖𝑣𝑒𝘳 𝑖𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑚...𝑤ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝑖🝡 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳𝑛𝑒𝑎𝘵ℎ 𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑑𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑙𝑦  𝑐𝘳𝘰𝑐𝑠?
𝗛𝝤𝗪 𝗗𝝖𝗥𝗘 𝝪𝝤𝗨, 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗖𝝤𝗨𝗟𝗗 𝝢𝝤𝗧 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝝢 𝗖𝝤𝗠𝗘 𝗖𝗟𝝤𝗦𝗘 𝗧𝝤 𝗛𝚰𝗠,
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝢𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝝤𝝤𝗞 𝗟𝗘𝗦𝗦𝝤𝝢 𝗙𝗥𝝤𝗠 𝝖𝝢𝝪𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗪𝗘 𝗧𝝖𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧!

𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑖🝡 𝘵ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝑘 𝑎 𝑏𝑒𝘵𝘵𝑒𝘳 𝑐𝑎𝘳𝑒 𝘰🝡 𝘵ℎ𝑒 🝡𝑙𝘰𝑤𝑒𝘳𝑠,
𝑖𝘵 𝑤𝘰𝑛'𝘵 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝘵 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤ℎ𝑖𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝘵ℎ𝑎𝘵,
𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝘰𝘳𝑠𝑒 𝑐𝘰𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝘳𝑒𝑣𝑒𝘳𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝘳𝑒𝘵𝑢𝘳𝑛...
"""𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝐉𝗨𝗦𝗧 𝗙𝗖𝗞𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗦𝗛𝗨𝗧 𝗨𝗣 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝝖 𝗠𝝤𝗠𝗘𝝢𝗧?!"""

June was yellow
Then there's you
Turning all mellows
Into golden hue

The flame in your hair
The way you stop and stare
How you always finds a way
I just know that you're gonna stay

Hours feels like seconds
You touched me, tho I'm distant
It's not love, it's something unfathomable
I always go astray, but never thought I'd ended up home

It's sparkling whenever you come around
The whole world turns magical,
I see dragons, I see witches and wizards
You yield weapons but we're not fighting

And I don't need mirror now
I just see the reflection of mine through the lens of your eyes
She's loving, she's nice, beautiful, all the best thing a girl could be
For once, I feel this is the realest version of me

and when you smile,
my heart soften;
I'm a child
again.

I went to beautiful places
with you by my side
Basked you and I
in glitters of the sun
Ephemeral longing
like a riptide
it was shortwhile
and I don't know why
you come off a little bit shy,
tryna hide
that little little smile
but I know,
I know it's time
for me to open up
my eyes.

I've waited for you
for my whole life
Almost eighteen,
and I'm tryna love myself

I'll keep on hoping,
put my love on the line
'cause love don't come running,
they arrive just in time

I've longed for you
for all the times I could remember
Those future memories with you,
are what keeps me going further

And my faith
is getting less blind
'cause I believe soon you'll arrive,
maybe in a year or five

I've prayed to God
for your descendant
Through times of
storms and tribulations

When things gets hard,
I'll be just fine
'cause I know you'll arrive
and it'll all be alright

I'll wait for you
for far more times
I'll lurk out the windows,
just give me the sign

Five years
of caged butterflies
and one day
you'll come arrive.

because of us,
this world is dying,
this world is sick,
so what if
this pandemic
is a just a calling
for our own greed?

i know you're out there
maybe painting poems
using hues thru journeys
on your life canvas

while you're strolling through
the decadency of 'ups and downs'
a chess piece once called blue
hope you'll be back around

i'm writing this memoir
in hope you can hear these lines
in hope you know,
i hope you are foreverly alright

Same bed, same ward,
Same praying for a life
to survive the night
Same scenery, same heart
Same me try to hold back a cry
Same clothes, same smile
Same me saying I am fine
Same jokes, same eyes
Same hoping this isn't the last time...

I dream of you
in colours you could never see
I talk about you
in language you could never speak
I think of you
in vision you could never imagine
but in changes
and in stagnant water,
I was wishing you'd be there too
in sparkles
and in dreary weather,
I was hoping you'd miss me too...

Am doing everything right,
Also manage doing everything wrong
Right, wrong, right, wrong;
It's a parkour.

A faith I taught to diminish within me
A better future in which I cease to exist
How can ailing willpower amount to this
I concede then reaffirms my negativity

I told myself again and again
That there's nothing for me to gain
Hereafter
Farfetching to chase after

In made-up fallacies I conjure in my head
In battlefields I initiated in my mind
My patheticness which I put into excuse
Because of my well-put strife

There is nothing for me...
I don't know if river of wine is fine-dine
I couldn't recall what it is like
To get the answer to all my whys

But...when we talked,
For a moment
I saw heaven in a friend
I saw heaven in you

And then through fogs in my mind,
Beacon of light cut through
And clear the mist
There's you

I swear I saw it in your eyes
In pink cheeks and blushing purple sky
Depth of your dimples consume me
In your effervescent smile

Visions of heaven...don't have to be grandeur
Gold, glitters, sparkles...can also suit a sinner
A terrible person can turn terrific
What's been awful can turn awesome

You taught me this in such subtleties
Then... it hits me

I do not wish to be apart from you
For 10 years...all we were was together
We'd have teatime every Saturday
And be friendly neighbours

Our kids will be best friends like us
And I'll save your seat in every occasion
Because you bring me back when I'm lost
And I was a goner just now,
until you laugh it the hell out

I don't want to be in any dimension
In which it's reek of your absence
I don't want to be cursed with hellish misery
And let damnation wreak havoc within me

We made a promise
When we were thirteen
That we'd keep each other company
I can't let you lonely

So...Wherever you'll be
I have to be there too
My most ardent friend
I'll try to catch up with you

I'll be good, I promise
We'll both make it through
For I saw heaven in a friend
I saw heaven in you

Fair flair,
black hair
I've sought him everywhere 
and now he's right there

Almond eyes,
warm smile
I'm a dim light
but he makes me shine

Hard wrists,
soft lips
I'm a red-rose cheek
'cause he's so unique

Blue shirt,
witty words
My last and my first
for the better and for the worse.

When you finally
make up your mind,
don't you worry about me,
I'll be fine

Moving on
is something I've been doing
my whole life,
so I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

you coax me in my turbulent nights
you keep me tight under the sheets
you hold me through the days
you let me rest and relax
you tell me to be carefree
you showed me freedom
you made me rest my pieces
that no risk need to be calculated
or so it seems

little did i know
your stomach was kept full when i lose appetite
the midnight oil was burnt for the sake of your future
you trade my property for treasure
you drove my car, convince me i don't need a license
you turn my life around and make it yours
you overrun my house, made me felt i was at home

your comfort, safety,
the rest, time and space you offered me
was your building blocks to a self-made reverie
a better bigger you, and the little old me
you practise and practise
while i eschew all plans for you
you decide to rebrand everything new
puzzles and chess
and when it all collides
when i see what conspires
too late for the afflicted
****, i am checkmated

You give me purpose
but I can't live up to it...