I've been watching him from afar
I was seven when the spark lit my heart
He was always on fire, up on the stage,
insightful and underweight

It's just a farfetching crush,
Turned into a vision for my life trajectory
Like an infamous gold rush,
I did everything just to go downhill

A story about delusions and dilemmas
Infatuation and inevitable non grata
How I follow the trails of his shadows
Breadcrumbs by his back show untold

In the alma mater
I learned I don't matter
I am too familiar with his glares
And yet, I can't and won't stop and stare

I am too conversant with his scoffs
Everytime he hears my name
And still, I don't know how to dislike
His disapproval of my existence

There's this itch I need to scratch
There's this ick... I am down, down so bad
I want to know him more and more
Heaven is if he noticed me in a new lore

It's obsession and overflowing adoration
He's an ever-changing stock price
I'm the stagnant river by his home
One that stays true in every trials

This is a tale about my small town pride
It's about his fair flair, black hair,
and his four-tiered brown eyes
A blessing erudite to the Australian sky

I walk on the clouds just to see him smile
Free-falling in fatal gravity like a lifestyle
Huff and puff, I can disappear, go all out
Just so his frown can turn upside down

I'd hide and erase marks of my being
I'd shrink in contra of his upbringing
Just so he can breathe a fresh air,
Oxygen purified from my suffocating self

God, I wish I'm not so ahead of myself
Sometimes I think I put him on a shelf
Somewhere too high,
A pedestal I could not reach or climb

He is dazzling,
With an impeccable bloodline
I am a dim light,
A soul-sucker with sad eyes

We're the total opposite, like parallel lines
That will never meet
Puzzle pieces and jigsaws
That will never fit

Loving him from afar, that's all I ask
In distance, I keep him in sweet memoirs
In distance, I am safe from his rejection
In distance, I bask in dejected appreciation

I want him happy for he is so amazing
I don't dare of wanting or pursuing him
Such beauty shan't get tainted by me
I will let him be...I will let him live

One day when I'm at his wedding,
I'd be the happiest girl ever
For I'm free of shackles for a lifetime
Him living rent-free... haunting my mind

𝘰𝑛𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝, 𝘵𝑤𝘰 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑠, 𝘵ℎ𝘳𝑒𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑠
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗖𝝖𝝢𝗧 𝝖𝗟𝗪𝝖𝝪𝗦 𝗗𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝗦 𝗧𝝤 𝗠𝗘,
𝚰'𝗠 𝝖 𝗚𝗥𝝤𝗪𝝢 𝗠𝝖𝝢 𝝖𝗟𝗥𝗘𝝖𝗗𝝪!

𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑙𝘰𝑢𝑑𝑠 𝑙𝘰𝘰𝑘 𝑠𝘰 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝘵𝘰𝑑𝑎𝑦, 𝑠𝑘𝑦 𝑖𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑏𝑙𝑢𝑒
𝗟𝝤𝝤𝗞 𝝖𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗩𝝤𝚰𝗖𝗘,
𝗪𝗛𝝤 𝗗𝝤 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗞 𝝪𝝤𝗨'𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝝖𝗟𝗞𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗧𝝤?!

𝑖 𝑤𝘰𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝘵𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝘵 𝑛𝘰𝑤
𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝗧𝗪𝗘𝝢𝗧𝝪-𝝤𝝢𝗘 𝝪𝗘𝝖𝗥𝗦, 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝗧𝗪𝗘𝝢𝗧𝝪-𝝤𝝢𝗘 𝝪𝗘𝝖𝗥𝗦,
𝚰'𝗩𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗘𝝢 𝗗𝝤𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥𝝪𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗧𝝤𝗟𝗗 𝗠𝗘 𝗧𝝤, 𝗪𝝤𝗪!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 🝡𝑖𝑒𝑙𝑑𝑠 𝘰🝡 𝘨𝘳𝑎𝑠𝑠 𝑙𝘰𝘰𝑘𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑠𝘰🝡𝘵
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗘𝗫𝗣𝗘𝗖𝗧𝝖𝗧𝚰𝝤𝝢𝗦, 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥
'𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝗪𝚰𝗟𝗟 𝗣𝗘𝝤𝗣𝗟𝗘 𝗦𝝖𝝪? 𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧'𝗗 𝗕𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝚰𝗥 𝗧𝗛𝝤𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧𝗦?'!

𝘰ℎ, 𝘵ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝑘𝑖𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝘳 𝑚𝘰𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳, ℎ𝘰𝑤 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒
𝗪𝗘 𝝤𝝢𝗟𝝪 𝗪𝝖𝝢𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗦𝗧 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝝪𝝤𝗨, 𝗪𝗛𝝪 𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗨𝝢𝗗𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗧𝝖𝝢𝗗, 𝗪𝗛𝝪 𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗚𝗘𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝗥𝚰𝗚𝗛𝗧?!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑖𝘳𝑑𝑠 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝘵 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝘰𝘵 🝡𝘰𝘳 🝡𝑙𝑦𝑖𝑛𝘨 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳 𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑛 🝡𝘰𝘳 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝑙𝘰𝑛𝘨
𝝤𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥 𝗣𝗘𝝤𝗣𝗟𝗘 𝗗𝝤𝝢'𝗧 𝗗𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝚰𝗦 𝗧𝝤 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝚰𝗥 𝗖𝗛𝚰𝗟𝗗𝗥𝗘𝝢,
𝗪𝗛𝝖𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨'𝗥𝗘 𝗗𝝤𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝚰𝗦 𝗪𝗥𝝤𝝢𝗚!

𝘵ℎ𝘰𝑠𝑒 𝑚𝘰𝑢𝑛𝘵𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑠...ℎ𝑚𝑚 ℎ𝑖𝑘𝑖𝑛𝘨 𝑠𝘰𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑒
𝝢𝝤 𝗪𝝤𝝢𝗗𝗘𝗥 𝗛𝗘 𝗟𝗘𝗙𝗧 𝗨𝗦, 𝚰𝗧'𝗦 𝗕𝗘𝗖𝝖𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝝤𝗙 𝝪𝝤𝗨𝗥 𝗙𝝖𝗨𝗟𝗧,
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗙𝝖𝚰𝗟𝗘𝗗, 𝝖𝝢𝗗 𝝢𝝤𝗪, 𝗦𝗘𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗥𝚰𝗖𝗘!

𝘵ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝘳𝑖𝑣𝑒𝘳 𝑖𝑠 𝑠𝘰 𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑚...𝑤ℎ𝑎𝘵 𝑖🝡 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝘳𝑛𝑒𝑎𝘵ℎ 𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑑𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑙𝑦  𝑐𝘳𝘰𝑐𝑠?
𝗛𝝤𝗪 𝗗𝝖𝗥𝗘 𝝪𝝤𝗨, 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝗖𝝤𝗨𝗟𝗗 𝝢𝝤𝗧 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝝢 𝗖𝝤𝗠𝗘 𝗖𝗟𝝤𝗦𝗘 𝗧𝝤 𝗛𝚰𝗠,
𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝝢𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥 𝗧𝝤𝝤𝗞 𝗟𝗘𝗦𝗦𝝤𝝢 𝗙𝗥𝝤𝗠 𝝖𝝢𝝪𝗧𝗛𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗪𝗘 𝗧𝝖𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧!

𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑖🝡 𝘵ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝑘 𝑎 𝑏𝑒𝘵𝘵𝑒𝘳 𝑐𝑎𝘳𝑒 𝘰🝡 𝘵ℎ𝑒 🝡𝑙𝘰𝑤𝑒𝘳𝑠,
𝑖𝘵 𝑤𝘰𝑛'𝘵 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝘵 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤ℎ𝑖𝘵ℎ𝑒𝘳 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝘵ℎ𝑎𝘵,
𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝘵ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝘰𝘳𝑠𝑒 𝑐𝘰𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝘳𝑒𝑣𝑒𝘳𝑠𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝘳𝑒𝘵𝑢𝘳𝑛...
"""𝗖𝝖𝝢'𝗧 𝝪𝝤𝗨 𝐉𝗨𝗦𝗧 𝗙𝗖𝗞𝚰𝝢𝗚 𝗦𝗛𝗨𝗧 𝗨𝗣 𝗙𝝤𝗥 𝝖 𝗠𝝤𝗠𝗘𝝢𝗧?!"""

and when you smile,
my heart soften;
I'm a child
again.

because of us,
this world is dying,
this world is sick,
so what if
this pandemic
is a just a calling
for our own greed?

A faith I taught to diminish within me
A better future in which I cease to exist
How can ailing willpower amount to this
I concede then reaffirms my negativity

I told myself again and again
That there's nothing for me to gain
Hereafter
Farfetching to chase after

In made-up fallacies I conjure in my head
In battlefields I initiated in my mind
My patheticness which I put into excuse
Because of my well-put strife

There is nothing for me...
I don't know if river of wine is fine-dine
I couldn't recall what it is like
To get the answer to all my whys

But...when we talked,
For a moment
I saw heaven in a friend
I saw heaven in you

And then through fogs in my mind,
Beacon of light cut through
And clear the mist
There's you

I swear I saw it in your eyes
In pink cheeks and blushing purple sky
Depth of your dimples consume me
In your effervescent smile

Visions of heaven...don't have to be grandeur
Gold, glitters, sparkles...can also suit a sinner
A terrible person can turn terrific
What's been awful can turn awesome

You taught me this in such subtleties
Then... it hits me

I do not wish to be apart from you
For 10 years...all we were was together
We'd have teatime every Saturday
And be friendly neighbours

Our kids will be best friends like us
And I'll save your seat in every occasion
Because you bring me back when I'm lost
And I was a goner just now,
until you laugh it the hell out

I don't want to be in any dimension
In which it's reek of your absence
I don't want to be cursed with hellish misery
And let damnation wreak havoc within me

We made a promise
When we were thirteen
That we'd keep each other company
I can't let you lonely

So...Wherever you'll be
I have to be there too
My most ardent friend
I'll try to catch up with you

I'll be good, I promise
We'll both make it through
For I saw heaven in a friend
I saw heaven in you

Am doing everything right,
Also manage doing everything wrong
Right, wrong, right, wrong;
It's a parkour.

i know you're out there
maybe painting poems
using hues thru journeys
on your life canvas

while you're strolling through
the decadency of 'ups and downs'
a chess piece once called blue
hope you'll be back around

i'm writing this memoir
in hope you can hear these lines
in hope you know,
i hope you are foreverly alright

June was yellow
Then there's you
Turning all mellows
Into golden hue

The flame in your hair
The way you stop and stare
How you always finds a way
I just know that you're gonna stay

Hours feels like seconds
You touched me, tho I'm distant
It's not love, it's something unfathomable
I always go astray, but never thought I'd ended up home

It's sparkling whenever you come around
The whole world turns magical,
I see dragons, I see witches and wizards
You yield weapons but we're not fighting

And I don't need mirror now
I just see the reflection of mine through the lens of your eyes
She's loving, she's nice, beautiful, all the best thing a girl could be
For once, I feel this is the realest version of me

Same bed, same ward,
Same praying for a life
to survive the night
Same scenery, same heart
Same me try to hold back a cry
Same clothes, same smile
Same me saying I am fine
Same jokes, same eyes
Same hoping this isn't the last time...

I've waited for you
for my whole life
Almost eighteen,
and I'm tryna love myself

I'll keep on hoping,
put my love on the line
'cause love don't come running,
they arrive just in time

I've longed for you
for all the times I could remember
Those future memories with you,
are what keeps me going further

And my faith
is getting less blind
'cause I believe soon you'll arrive,
maybe in a year or five

I've prayed to God
for your descendant
Through times of
storms and tribulations

When things gets hard,
I'll be just fine
'cause I know you'll arrive
and it'll all be alright

I'll wait for you
for far more times
I'll lurk out the windows,
just give me the sign

Five years
of caged butterflies
and one day
you'll come arrive.

Silly little me,
Thinking I am built different
When I'm just like the rest,
I am too human

I have this heart in my chest
And a soul I cannot depress
Just a little bit here and there,
I too need to give it a rest

Silly little me,
Thinking I'm all unique
When life is about everything
And the very little things

I was so caught up
On looking through the bigger picture
When there's sunlight breaking
Among trees I'm yet to capture

Always all about the rapture
But never take a breather
Honey, I'll take care of you now
My dear me, you too need to lie down

The echoes of your voice calling out to me
Saying "hey, it's okay, you're safe here"
and all the words to shine a light
when I'm in the dark

You said that you're here
...and that I'll be fine
But you're not here
...and I'm in the dark
It's dark...and tough

All these weighs in my heart
get heavier at once
Oh, the irony...
To hear comfort
from someone I hurt

The gift of my erasure
got treated as a punishment
Nobody bat an eye
whenever I walk out the door...
But you did.
With those tears,
only you did.  

With conviction
that even if I'm deprived of love
I tell myself it's fine
...but I'm not fine.
Still, acceptance banging on the wall
A loud roar I have to submit to...
Because I made the call
and end it all

Everything crash down,
ball out of the court
You were gone ...long gone
I shot you down, and the gun remains

No sign of pulse
in your vein
No more love
remain for me

So what pulls the trigger in...?
What caused the bullet of memory
to pierce right through?

It's June, twenty two ,
back then,
you used to be you...

you coax me in my turbulent nights
you keep me tight under the sheets
you hold me through the days
you let me rest and relax
you tell me to be carefree
you showed me freedom
you made me rest my pieces
that no risk need to be calculated
or so it seems

little did i know
your stomach was kept full when i lose appetite
the midnight oil was burnt for the sake of your future
you trade my property for treasure
you drove my car, convince me i don't need a license
you turn my life around and make it yours
you overrun my house, made me felt i was at home

your comfort, safety,
the rest, time and space you offered me
was your building blocks to a self-made reverie
a better bigger you, and the little old me
you practise and practise
while i eschew all plans for you
you decide to rebrand everything new
puzzles and chess
and when it all collides
when i see what conspires
too late for the afflicted
****, i am checkmated

I dream of you
in colours you could never see
I talk about you
in language you could never speak
I think of you
in vision you could never imagine
but in changes
and in stagnant water,
I was wishing you'd be there too
in sparkles
and in dreary weather,
I was hoping you'd miss me too...

Fair flair,
black hair
I've sought him everywhere 
and now he's right there

Almond eyes,
warm smile
I'm a dim light
but he makes me shine

Hard wrists,
soft lips
I'm a red-rose cheek
'cause he's so unique

Blue shirt,
witty words
My last and my first
for the better and for the worse.

they say grief is a silent breeze
like a pang of chill air on tuesday evening
when it pierce right through like a bullet
all strengths coalesced into a collapse

it would be the last thing in my mind
that blue charcoal dimming the february sky
3 months of lovers, how fast they expire
i always wonder, will it actually be alright?

summer come through, late of june
a boy is the last thing my head fixed upon
a soulmate, let alone, when im far from home
must human nature resent process of progress?

now i am walking in the sand, bare feet
i dont even like the beach,
but im too down to climb something i cant even reach
and im too upright to succumb to a fatal destiny

solitude is the best remedy
for only i get to listen to me
in midst of voices and screams, lies clarity
hold on to that wisp of reasons for its sanctity

a theatrical life,
we choose the roles and scenes
it get hysterical at times,
we think we're small when all's but a big screen

i am twenty two and this is maturity
tears fell, chin up and greet everybody
homesick is not a disease
i still get to laugh, i still get to live

crying because the weight of my mother's smile
toughening because of my father's vulnerability
ridiculous jabbers my brothers gone through
all part of what makes me, me

and gratitude is a warm blanket
like a comforting hug on a friday afternoon
when it tug your heartstring,
a hopeful future embrace within

i am thankful for the life i've lived
the good, the bad and everything i've yet to credit
bravery has its own merit
so i'll have a forward courage to live...and believe

a belated gift;
i am celebrating me

a poem so great
written in your smile
a lament so painful
those pearls we both cried
unexplainable whys,
and a half-hearted goodbye
swear i had you,
for once in a lifetime

When you finally
make up your mind,
don't you worry about me,
I'll be fine

Moving on
is something I've been doing
my whole life,
so I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am sitting on the floor
right where you left me

i think i think i think
it was all in my head, it cannot be real
i am right where you left me
with questions you never cared to heed

"how was your day?"
how have you been?
two questions, with only one answer
always me, you...never

"is there any problems?"
why are you frowning?
i lay it all on the table
you say it was none of my business

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am lying on the bed i made
right where i left "you"

i think i think i think
it was all in my head, this cannot be real
why am i here, where i left you?
i have no answers, you never cared to give

you said you did not understand
said it was my lack of communication
my flaws were like a communal service
and my queries were confrontational...i guess

like when you undress me in the evening
while you were fully-clothed all night
used to say i kept hiding
but it was me, you never fully trust in...

i feel i feel i feel
none of it was real
i am standing on the spot you missed
right where we left us

i think i think i think
it was all in our heads, it was not real
why are we here, where we left us?
only one of us have the answer,
this time it is me:

you loved me so good,
you did not let me do it back

but love, is a two-sided coin
pennies for your thoughts
...which i never got

And all my friends laugh at me
All those sleep calls for an alarming ending
All those happiness that I leave
I leave, I left you

The sky's been dreary ever since
February feels never-ending still
I'm here with all clouds of guilts
I can't help missing you out for a reach

Hey, I hope you're doing okay
I hope life treats you better than I do
I love you....
It's true

Hey, don't you feel a pity for me
Don't worry whether I'm eating or not
I'm not yours to care no more...
No more distraught

Every billboard signs spell out your name
you'rE a common Lanky guy
It's hard to Just erase you from my brain
American-made, cHestnut hair, amazin-graze

Green, the grass they're dewy
Like sundates when you were with me
Your eyes lit up a spark of my life
And I burnt your dreams to the ground

I know now, it's life...that's how
We love, we toss and we turn
I turn into something you can't comprehend
I still keep you in fond remembrance

Hey, I hope you're smiling today
It's June, you'll be okay
Sun will shine your freckles again
Without any loss, what's to gain?

Hey, I hope you're laughing with them
May you always stays the same
Love hard, and passionate
All in for someone's worth it

Dungeons-hunting
Treasures-looting
Time, space, and circumstances
Faith, rules, and regulations

No more play and pretend...
Sorry I outgrew your basement
Life full of adventure...just not for me
I can't be forever 19, there's responsibilities

I'm not as priveleged
Life's not as easier on me
You get to still be the same ol' you
But I need to always be brand new

It's a cinch to sever ties, holding your hand
Running and go leave it all behind
But I'm a survivor,
Do or die, I have to fight for my life

You said it's my life to choose
Who cares about people's and currencies
Who cares?
Well, I do

And I have people I love too,
Even if all I inherit is just bruise
And I'm sorry I didn't choose you...
I love you, it's true
It's still true