its a black and white movie
someone coloured with pastel

we caught each others eye
across decades of silence

we may decide to travel far together
but first we must dance

and when we finally accept
love is eternal

then we can forget all else
creating our own movie

I feel older, but it's mostly because I am
and this house  it’s old too even if you refuse to
admit it
“my parents were the first to live here” was the phrase
and all the parts that need fixing   the dripping walls
the cold waters    boiling what we can for warmth
the smells emanating from the wood floors, marked
by feet of all types and grimy shoes
it all adds up
the panic, anger, and desperation

so i sent you the dirtiest of pictures   with bad
intentions   too
and envisioned your eyes trailing the body
of another woman  
I made myself sicker in your presence
and let your house consume me

I feel more at home lately
Alone and lost,
Learning, despite
The agonizing
Disappointment
I have in myself.

Every once in a while,
I look in the mirror,
Observe the body that is,
And think of what once was.
It has changed so much
In the span of you
Not being here with me.

Your absence left
A time stamp,
Like a terrible
Natural disaster,
One everyone remembers.

I should have
Hidden you,
Like a bad cut,
A self inflicted burn,
Or a cat not meant to be inside
Because you've been told for ages
You are allergic.

You’re right.
I’ve become someone
My dad would be proud of,
And the very thing
That drove my mom insane.

But she’s learned to forgive,
Left hate buried
In the back of the cabinets,
Behind clean dishes.

She smiles like sunny days.
She hugs like she’s trying
To pull me back
Into her skin
Deep into who I was
Before time, chores,
Nine to fives, broken promises,
And you.