My next door neighbour told me a funny story the other day
It’s about Phyllis who lives down the road
She was out with her fancy piece called Tommy getting laid
Having a **** in his car down a country lane
She was there with her legs open not thinking of her husband
Going at like a prize stallion chasing a filly winning his race
Then Tommy cried out in pain and started crying
Phyllis thought he was joking about
‘Oh **** it! My back has gone Phyllis! Call the Fire Brigade!’
‘You gotta be joking Kev. But hey! I love a man in uniform.’
Kev managed to reach his hands free kit and call 999
Within five minutes the fire engine arrived
Four beefy firemen in uniform assessed the situation
Hiding their smirks they planned what to do
One fireman got the Jaws of Life from the fire engine
It took several minutes to cut the roof off Kev’s Jaguar
His expensive cool motor was now a convertible!
Then over the next hour they slowly lifted Kev upwards
And placed him in a rigid stretcher to minimise further injury
An ambulance arrived and Kev was taken to hospital
Phyllis got busy ******* and ******* each of the firemen
In Kev’s convertible Jag which was now a ******* parlour...

ADULT/FUNNY THEME BE WARNED

Oh My Back!
My next door neighbour told me a funny story the other day
It’s about Phyllis who lives down the road
She was out with her fancy piece called Tommy getting laid
Having a bonk in his car down a country lane
She was there with her legs open not thinking of her husband
Going at like a prize stallion chasing a filly winning his race
Then Tommy cried out in pain and started crying
Phyllis thought he was joking about
‘Oh **** it! My back has gone Phyllis! Call the Fire Brigade!’
‘You gotta be joking Kev. But hey! I love a man in uniform.’
Kev managed to reach his hands free kit and call 999
Within five minutes the fire engine arrived
Four beefy firemen in uniform assessed the situation
Hiding their smirks they planned what to do
One fireman got the Jaws of Life from the fire engine
It took several minutes to cut the roof off Kev’s Jaguar
His expensive cool motor was now a convertible!
Then over the next hour they slowly lifted Kev upwards
And placed him in a rigid stretcher to minimise further injury
An ambulance arrived and Kev was taken to hospital
Phyllis got busy mucking and bucking each of the firemen
In Kev’s convertible Jag which was now a grinding parlour...

I was pulling up in the car park at the Immigration Removal Centre
When I realised that I'd completely f 'ed up

Having remembered:
- portable recording studio
- condensor microphones x 2 (one of them doesn't work, dunno which one, they look the same)
- dynamic microphone (sometimes works)
- XLR cables x 2 (in a tangled mess)
- Jack cables x 2 (joining the party)
- headphones
- headphone splitter (a remedy for people who are always on their phone?!)
- big-to-little adapters
- kettle lead (so named because it dates back from when the kettle was king)
- guitar
- and two folders of important bits of paper (well, at least some of it might be important)

I suddenly realised that I'd forgotten the only genuinely essential thing.
My passport.
You can't get in without your passport.
That's the rule and the rules don't bend.
Security is paramount.

I find my colleague, Lucky, sitting in his car.
Lucky: "Kev, you aren't gonna believe this but..."
He didn't need to say anymore.
I knew that he had done the same thing.
Lucky and I were in the same *** of s*.

But for some reason they made an exception.
We were lucky.
It must had rubbed off.

(true story)

If Kev is the sky
With his head in the clouds
And Sie is the water
Always finding the level
In stroke and in flight
Ne’er twice the same brother
Each a perfectly formed
Reflection of the other

Karissa and Kristy's Fishing Adventure

Bought a princess fishing pole in the Indiana Dunes
Which Karissa had yet to use...

Drove to the Illinois Valley with a plan
Stopped at the farm and saw the fam!

Headed to Lowell, River was closed
We went anyway, nobody knows!!

Nothing was biting, but Karissa caught a leaf!
She thought that was pretty funny, I do beleave...

From there we jumped in the car and headed to deer park
We went to the river area, got lost and almost ended up in the dark!

Don't get me wrong at first we did pretty great...
Walked a while, found the river and caught 8

Just kidding, it was only one
Those fish were too smart, but it was still fun!

They managed to eat the worm and stay away from the hook,
So we decided to try once more and that's all it took!

The fish caught the hook in the eye and I couldn't set it free
So I decided to take it with me!

We started walking and saw some stairs
Thought it was a short cut, but ended up a nightmare

Got lost in the woods for 3 hours with no clue what to do
Karissa was brave, but had her moments... I'm sure I did too!

At one point we went off path and tried to walk to the light
But kept getting poked by “pokeys” and it was too much of a fight

Kev and dad were looking for us
My mom was so worried, she put up a big fuss

She was 10 miles away from calling the State Police
And ditched her ride to the play we were supposed to go to with my neice

We saw lots of running deer
And Karissa tried her best to show no fear

We found a trail that was kinda actually marked
And were more confident that we would make it out by dark

Followed the orange poles and eventually came out
We were on the other side of the park, without a doubt!

Kev came and gave us a ride to the car
Made fun of our fish that was in the worm jar

He said, “Hey Krit, the friggin worm is bigger than the fish!”
and asked if it was worth it?

It was a good day and I have no regrets
Even though we got lost and I broke my camera, it was one of the best!

I LOVE spending time with family and friends,
and always will until the end!

By Kristy Robertson

(Guessing Summer of 2009 or 2010)

What would I know about how
slow is slow?

they're drip feeding me aviation fluid,
I'm on a take off forever never getting the rest
that the rest take for granted,

sooner or later and who can tell me when
or how much mileage is there in a modicum,
a conundrum?

we may be reading off the same sheet
but it's you picking the music that we
dance to
and I see through it.

If you're keeping up with me,
taking off with me
grab a glass and let's pass go,
bet you don't know how slow
is slow.

Saturday and
I wake the same way
one eye at a time
and
a Royal wedding
(said in)
a whisper
there's a lot of haters out there.