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scarlet-and-gold Aug 2018
I know you don't know me
But I've known you since 14
Like a long time friend
But I just look at a screen
Before I could drive
I watched your rise to fame
Back in 2013

As I wandered the halls
Face heavy as lead
I smeared on black eyeliner
Just as you said
You did at the same age
And I listened to Muse
Alongside the whole phandom
Just cause you liked the band

I'd come home after school
Throw my body on the bed
As the woes of adolescence
Rang over my head
A quiet, depressed girl
Shoving cinnamon bread
Down her throat

I opened my computer
And watched you and Phil
For hours and hours
And hours on end
As many teens still do to this day
You brightened my smile in a way
That very few could do
Especially back in those
Dark days at school

I'd sketch your old username
Into my desk
Hoping that the person
Who sat there next
Might possibly know
Who danisnotonfire is
The chance was small
With only one million subs
You were all ours

Time has passed
I was doing algebra
While you were becoming world famous
I was about to graduate
While you were on tour
I was overcoming my depression
As where you

As fate has it
I reached another all time low
The waves caved in on me
I had no where to turn to
So I retreated back to that place
I went many years ago
And watched your videos
The familiar rhythm of your voice
Your now curly hair
It was like a distant memory
Coming to life again

You and Phil deserve the world, Daniel James Howell
Your smiles and laughter are contagious
In this world of mistrust and confusion
You are there for anyone who needs it
And your fame hasn't changed you one bit
You are who I'm going to show my kids to when I'm 30
My grandkids when I'm 60
And tell them you meant the world to so many
Thank you, Daniel Howell
I love you
Rowan  Jun 2019
References
Rowan Jun 2019
I have an extensive knowledge of things
many people might call useless.

I can explain to you the evolution of the Doctor,
the Dalek’s rise and downfall, the breath of a Rose.
Merlin and Arthur live in tandem, two sides of the same coin,
and it’s hard not to see, they mean more than simple friends in their reality.
Castiel, Gabriel, Lucifer, Hael, Michael, Eziekel, Raphael, among many are
the warriors of God, a man who writes comics about the Winchester brothers.
“Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” is my favorite quote from Russell Howard’s Recalibrate,
and Danial Sloss’s bit about jigsaws hits a note, a truth Ed Sheeran does too, in the last line,
“And before I get to love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.”
Of course, they mean romantic love, it can take someone loving you platonically to learn to love yourself.

I crawl around the corners, searching for this information, the tidbits I can throw at people,
Look and see me, I’ve got things you ain’t never seen before, as referenced to Secretariat,
said by Eddie Sweat. Tiny things, picked up from Tumblr, Pinterest, Instagram, ‘tis I, the frenchiest fry’.
I have a store racked with snapshots of a million different stories packed tight in my head and I’m desperately trying to shove these facts to fill this void I cannot fill.

I can tell you blue waffles are Percy’s favorite food, that Nico deserved better and look at me like come and watch the kid with a slowly declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself. Bo Burnham. BBS came from a video featuring a yellow school bus and a fuckton of shouting. Terroriser and Danisnotonfire are comfortable in their gender, and so is my friend Evan. **** the terms and conditions of masculinity, take the signatures and white out the scrawled names, break away from the lines we try to box you in.

Tumblr doesn’t always get it right, often times they get it wrong, but somethings I’ve found on there have helped me calm down a friend from an anxiety attack, have shown me truths I don’t want to see. It also taught me that carrier pigeons could fly eighteen hundred kilometers and were used as early as three thousand years ago. Have you ever seen what fan art can do? The stunning creations made by people who don’t expect any money or expectations? What of the fanfictions? We have to pay for food, water, electricity, but yet we can delve into books, a lifeline for many, for free? Kudos to them.

This is the world I have fought to live in since I can remember. This is the hunger I am trying to sate inside of me, but it only grows and I can’t keep up with it. When I can’t be me… facts, connections, the only places I can feel through are the books, movies, shows, YouTube videos. I make reference after reference, hoping to connect with someone else, to find a place I belong and…

And I can’t stop. I can’t stop. I can’t—

— The End —