åh hvor er du afhængig
af den forbandede nikotin
du kan jo ikke give slip
du kan jo ikke vælge
han er din e-cigaret
en midlertidig løsning
mod en konstant trang
du savner dine cigaretter
men de er jo bare så skadelige
de er jo bare så fandens farlige
du tager en cigaret
mellem dine læber tændes den
du inhalerer ikke
du sidder bare med den
til den går ud
så finder du din e-cigaret frem igen
og suger indtil dine lunger kaster op
for så virker cigaretterne knap så fristende
så er trangen knap så stor

(f.b)

You filled your skin with sharp lead and your arms with cigaret burns, without any screams, but with the blue mass that touched your cheeks. You used to think, that to put on a massiv amount of black eyeliner, would hide the fact, that you couldn't sleep at night. And you used to think that starving yourself, would make you feel just a little bit better about who you were, but all you ended up with was a stomach you could fit your hands around, collar bones that stuck  far out from your skin, so they could break at anytime and your hipbones were like knifes, that could slice a man open. You used to do and think so many stupid things, and you were just this little self-conscious girl that needed to be loved and accepted by someone. That little girl is still inside you, but you have learnt to control her and say no when she wants to play.

engang var jeg sikker
på at det aldrig
ville være et problem
at drikke morgenkaffe
alene og det ville aldrig være
et problem at ryge dagens
første cigaret med vinduet
lukket mens storbyen
lever videre udenfor
men så forsvandt
du pludselig ud af
min hoveddør og for første
gang lukkede du døren bag dig
og jeg fandt ud af at det alligevel
regner på november-morgener
og ambulancerne suser stadigvæk
forbi mit vindue, den eneste forskel
er blot at der ikke er nogen
til at holde min hånd og det er
det der gør hele den forskel
som jeg troede var så ubetydelig
og jeg åbner stadig vinduet
inden dagens første cigaret, selv
i gennemskærende efterårs-
kulde fordi jeg ved at du synes
det er det rareste og jeg hælder ekstra
sukker i kaffen for at søde den
bitre smag af svigt og jeg ved
godt at det her efterspil er definitivt
men jeg har alligevel lagt ekstranøglen
til dig under måtten
hvis du en dag skulle finde på
at komme tilbage

My frown couldn't be more prominent as I stare out of my passenger window
Cloudy skies with heavy rainfall, in a cab in traffic just has my mood plummeting
As if I was ever really happy to start
I sigh as I think that..
Have I really been unhappy my whole life, with just good moments in between?
No. I shake my head to myself.. That can't be right
I gasp as the driver suddenly slams on his breaks
"Sorry" he mutters along with a few other choice words
I'm so lost in my tangled thoughts its only a slight distraction
The airport is only 10 miles away but,
It seems its going to take 10 hours to just get there
I slam my head back against the seat
******! Rolling my eyes heavily, I grimace at my own brain
Won't you shut up?!
Yes I know things will never be resolved with my "father"
On his death bed, he'd still only manage to say "I'm still sorry you feel that way."
His family will  look at me as if I haven't done enough to change things...
**** them.. I'm not a magician. And **** if I didn't spend most of my life trying to be one
I swallow that lump in my throat
Just another dad topic to fill the session when I see my therapist
"Can I smoke in here please?" I ask/beg the cab driver
The traffic isn't the only thing congested and I need some relief
Not pleased he agrees... After I slip a $20 in his face
As the wind blows my hair around and the smoke clouds my face
I realize I full of way more doubts than I admitted
Is this where I should be headed?
I mean this isn't a dream
It's gonna be real life with all it's pain and lingering stings just like it is here
My pocket vibrates
Blowing out smoke, I cough as I laugh when I read the text
"I will miss you. Text me when you land."
YOU
You would text me as I'm about to be 1000s and 1000s of miles away from you
I can't help but let a tear slide down my cheek
I remember the endless amount that fell when you were the one leaving
Dangling me on that string... Even 5000 miles away
I don't respond
Just like you didn't respond
Maybe to give you a dose of your own medicine
Or maybe because I simply can not allow you to break me down anymore
I flick my cigaret and wipe my cheek with the back of my hand
The phone vibrates again
It can't be you
It's not your style to appear to care that much
I glance down at the screen and this time can't hold back the sob I choke on
"I love you! Have a safe flight, PLEASE text me when you land!" Love Sam
My baby sister
Sometimes my seemingly older sister
Through it all, the heartbreak of such a distance between us is the same
Through a blur of tears I text back that I will, that I love her too
I see the driver stare at me through the rear view mirror
I'm too sad and stiff to bother to wipe my tears away or even turn my head
So I just drop my eyes so I'm no longer holding his gaze
The history between my sister and I is an eventful one
Very colorful
Lots of laughs...Lots of yelling... Lots of tears...
Getting to the place we are now, the place that was so rock solid for so many years
But then crumbled to the ground caused by an earthquake of addiction..My addiction
I couldn't be more thankful to whomever allowed the chance, the power, the love to remind us who we once were
Maybe we just did that
I don't know
The rain has stopped and traffic is flowing now
I feel I may throw up
I'm getting closer
Closer to my new start
But, with so many unknowns and so many things I don't want waiting for me when I get there...
But, wherever you go, there you are
Ill be there...Waiting for me
I'm just hoping ill give myself a chance before I want to run back the other way
That's what I'm doing.. Everyone says so
"You're running.""Can't run from yourself."
I smirk as I wonder if these ******* with all the advice ever considered if they DROVE me out...
Not that I ran out
Fair weathered friends weigh you down after awhile
The broken promises
The appearing in the light and disappearing when it gets dark
Starts to make my heart ache so bad, it feels hard to breathe
My head pounds as I'm always questioning why they don't want me
What could I do to be better?
I close my eyes
Too tired to think about it further
So tired of having to think so hard
So tired I'm too tired to demand to be treated better
So **** em works
I'm tired of trying, of trying to try
Just done
There's gotta be so much more to life than this..
That I have to try and discover
Startled by the vibrating of my phone again, my eyes pop open as I jump a little bit
"Can't wait to see you! Have a safe flight. Love you! See you at the airport."
I shake my head smiling
My mom always seems to make me smile when I'm drowning in a sea of misery
"I can't wait to see you. You have no idea." I whisper to myself, laughing to myself as I start to cry again
This cab driver must think I'm insane
This time I pull out some tissues and clean myself up
Take a deep breath and force a smile
Everything's going to be ok
This is gonna be the move into the right direction
Where ill find myself again and the path I belong on
Even if it doesn't end there, it'll start me to where my life is meant to go
Everything's gonna be ok.. It's gonna be...
"Miss...Miss...We're here."
I snap back into focus as the drivers voice drills through my brain
I swallow a lump again, nod and mumble an apology for not paying attention
Fumble for my wallet and pay the ridiculous fare, thanks to all the traffic
Luckily I travel light
I grab my suitcase and my dog crate
(She's got the worlds biggest "oh ****"eyes right now)she'll be happy up there
That I'm sure of
I'm standing there, still, ignoring the weight of the crate and my suitcase
The wind sends a shiver down my spine, I shudder
It seems to bring me back into reality
I take another deep breathe and force a smile
I promised myself I wouldn't look back
So I don't
The glass doors slide open.. As if to say "Everything's gonna be ok."
I let the tear slide down my cheek and walk on through

spiser min tunge for at være
sikker på, jeg ikke siger noget,
jeg fortryder om lidt
du sidder på sengekanten med
dit højre ben under venstre lår,
ruller endnu en cigaret
siger du ikke er afhængig af
andet end blå mandage, og
jeg ved ikke hvilken dag det er
i nat
hvis champagne havde været
tøj, ville du være nøgen
hvis cigaretskodder havde været
mad, ville vi begge to være mætte
mine ankler er ømme af
kærlighed
mine fingre svider af frygt for,
de ikke kan gøre op for alt det,
jeg sjældent lader dig høre
jeg var kun et barn, da jeg
elskede dig
havde svært ved at
holde op
igen

og hver gang jeg ønsker,
ser jeg omridset af dit ansigt
og føler din månehvide hud
mod mine ribben
jeg tænder en til cigaret,
men
nu kan jeg mærke mine lunger
smager af kirsebær, ligesom
den aften, du sagde, jeg var
smuk med en varm ånde og
bløde læber, der nu er kreeret
på ny; blå mærker og hende er,
hvad jeg ser, når jeg ser på dig,
men
heldigvis ses vi sjældent og derfor
ridser det i mine knogler
knager i min hjerne
at jeg stadigvæk ser dig for mig
ydmygelsen tynger mig i gulvet
duften af svaghed
og duften er magen til den
vaskepulver, du brugte dengang
men
hvad ved jeg også om det nu

Petrichor lugten af eftertænksomhed.
De dage hvor du åbner dit vindue en lille anelse
minder dig om alle de store dele – såsom du er en lille del af en del.
Universets uendelighed som er uendeligt ubegribeligt og uhåndterligt.
Tid og tider, som kan betænkes i større uendeligheder en selve stjerners hjem.

De stjerner som minder dig om at almægtige ting findes uden at prale.
De lyser jo kun når alt andet sover.

Fortæller dig alt uden egentlig at fortælle dig noget.

Kun fra åben himmel mindes du om; at storme og solskin, ravmørke og blændende lys eksisterer under samme åbne tag.
Kun fra åben himmel mindes du om; at verden skal erfares ud fra din erfaring om at erindringer skaber erfaring om eksistensen.
Den smukke eksistens, som du kender men kun eftermæles når du åbner ud til og ser med mere en bare blå små nethinder.

Jeg byder CO2 og alverdens støj velkommen, så længe at reinkarneret regn og vild vind trænger gennem mit vindues sprække og stjerner fra tid til anden praler for mig i mørket, når man som jeg synes at natten bruges bedre med en Marlboro cigaret og halvkold kaffe i hånden, end dagen med stress i sindet.

Mit vindue står ihvertfald åbent, fordi eftertænksomheden skal erfares.

jeg vil male nuancer af din hårfarve ind i mine knogler, og jeg vil røre dine nøgne kraveben indtil mit hjerte forvandles til kold metal
min mor fortalte mig, at blå øjne er farlige
men jeg lovede, jeg aldrig ville blive afhængig
her er jeg så
med kindben lavet af ******
planter voksende ud af min hovedbund
jeg får hjemve, når jeg sidder i min stue med blank kaffe
og når jeg tænder en cigaret, kan jeg mærke dine læber skære i mine lunger