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Sanjna Manoj Oct 2018
I can't breath,
I have had 20 of them inside me,
Fitted in, until they could fit no more.

I was sealed,
Then opened,
Then forced shut,
Only to be reopened again.

I am here finally,
I feel empty,
Devoid of all emotion,
But at least I am deprived of pain.

I, an envelope,
Might just become a piece of paper again.
  Oct 2018 Sanjna Manoj
Yue Wang Yidhna
There are lights in the sky
Each a lamp lit for someone else
And none for me

I’d sent flame after flame
Up there for you hoping that
One day they’d be bright enough
To reach you

To listen to your words of white heat warmth
That will send a wave of fire through
The void and light a billion stars
For me
Even if you didn’t intend to
Your words, your smile,
Even your silence is what
Lit up the sky for me
So that I saw besides everlasting darkness
And ever more endless shadow
There are life brewing in the silence
Though not for me

The silence only smothers, and suffocates me
Like an invisible hand tightly gripping onto my throat
Without me noticing, ever so violently
Yet ever so slowly squeezing harder and harder
Till I cannot breath, not knowing the reason why

It forces me down into the depth of the abyss
Till I am no longer one, but one with the shadow
One with the bottomless pit of despair and fear
Till I am no longer within the void, but am the void

Yet, when I saw you
When I met you
I was lifted up out of where I thought I belonged
And could hold against the weight
Of all that is without light
The gloom, the shadows, the night
The black of space
The silence that cries
And floated weightlessly
Above, below, and within
All there ever was, and will be
For, even though I know not how
My love for you
Has the power to lift me up:

Beyond the wild fields of stars
Beyond the glistening ocean of light
Beyond the dreamless darkness
Beyond the unkempt bed of life
Beyond the inescapable swamp of death
And beyond
All of time

To a place where only the existence of you
Holds out its shapeless hand to me
And lead me
Rather the merely dust, and breath of me
Through the void, to the empty vessel
Carrying all the pure
Feelings, senses, love, and even pain

Though it is a place
Way beyond the rays of any sun
Way beyond the circle of life
Way beyond decay and apathy
Way beyond flesh and blood

I saw every color
Every being
Every state of being
Every possible and impossible thing
Every time and space
Pass through the ghost of you and I
And cease to be
At least that’s what they appeared to be

The twinges, the sharp electric sparks
You sent through out every atom of my body
And every participle of my soul
Told me that

They are no longer life that exist exterior to us
But within us, or rather
They are us, were us, and will always be
As they have never existed otherwise
In and since that moment of eternity

I see every river through me
My blood and hair
Every fish, your touch
Every dancing seagrass
The joy your gaze ripples through me

I see every mountain and valley
All around you
Every bump on your skin
Every wave on your fingertips
Every stone and sharp edges, my pain
Every field my words of love unending

Every burning star
Dots our shining eyes
Every moon, every heavenly body
That passes, they are the fleeting
Yet never ceasing reflection of affections
Waltzing again and again across our sight
Playful like children
Not yet exposed to any worldly sorrow

Every bit of space without light
Every pit of pure darkness
Caves of eternal shadow
Every howling silence that plunders pass
They are too, forever part of our love
For
They are the pain of longing
That makes each moment of proximity
So frighteningly precious
Afraid to be lost, so keeping it close
Like a token of innocent love
Pass down through generations
Till no being of flesh and mind
Remains, yet the dust still holds
Tightly onto it
Never letting go

And,
At last
Every bit of you
Like water droplets through the given earth
Like sunshine in an inseparable bond with life
Like rains of stars that will never leave the sky
Have seeped, melted, and spread
Through every drop sweet and bitter of me
Till I am no longer just acquainted with living
But am the very dream of life.
I have been struggling with writer's block again.
So here's a repost from not so long ago:
Originally posted:
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2582547/the-very-dream-of-life/

And inspired by:
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2581869/star-seed-/
Sanjna Manoj Jun 2018
I am drowning,
Without any water,
Just waves of loneliness;
As soon I see the shore,
I get pulled back,
By the angry waves,
Drown they say,
Give up,
Let go,
You shall find relief that way.
The faster I swim,
The more I feel,
Claws and teeth at my feet,
The sadness biting into my soul,
I am drowning in this flood,
Howling,
Howling they are,
All for my blood.
My net has a giant tear,
My boat has a huge hole,
And my anchor,
Isn't holding me down,
Does anyone care?
The tentacles are on my neck,
I can't breathe,
Is it a sin to want,
To want to drown,
For I have forgotten the air,
How my head feels above the water,
Tell me,someone,
Anyone,
Do I matter?
Sanjna Manoj Apr 2017
Hey girl,
I know you are hurting,
But you will forget everything,trust me.

When you step into the mandap,
You will forget the boys that stepped on your heart.

As he slides the ring on to your finger,
You will forget all the slashes on your wrists.

The burning flames won't remind you of all the photos you burnt,
It will stand for love, for marriage.

As you go to work, to that beautiful restaurant you own,
You will forget those who said,
"Good she can cook, she has at least one quality of a housewife".

Your books, published everywhere,
Will once and for all,
Diminish those voices,
Asking you what your 'real'  profession is.

As you have pillow fights with your kids,
You will forget your tear stained pillows.

It won't matter that the coffee brown eyed boy didn't love you back,
That everyone who hugged you made you flinch,
And that you couldn't protest,
You couldn't raise your voice.

The accusations, the name calling,
****, *****, cheat,
It won't matter,
Nor will the license test that you failed,
Or the presentation where you fainted.

My dear girl,
You will turn into a butterfly,
The caterpillar that you were,
Won't matter.
Sanjna Manoj Apr 2017
I am told what to do, based on who I am.

I should always stay strong,
Keep my pride in mind,
My strength is my power,
I am an elephant.

I should never show fear,
Claws are to hurt,
Never run away,
I am a lion.

I am cunning,
Of course I taunted her,
My thoughts are always in one direction,
I am a wolf.

I can't be weak,
I can't be hurt,
I can't be the prey,
I am a vulture

I shouldn't complain,
I shouldn't cry,
I shouldn't give up,
I am a man.
Dont's manscriminate!!
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