I want to feel something
Or nothing at all
But emptiness wrapped
In everything at once
Is utterly unbearable

I’m not here
Not present
Dissociating
Distant
Because
I can’t bear to be here

tw self harm, suicide



no one's coming to save you


you're going to mark red on your wrist

no one will know


you're going to beg to give up your life

no one will care


you're going to wither until all you are is a shell

no one will notice


they're not coming to save you

they don't care

they won't ask about the scars

they won't know you no longer cry

they don't want to see your pain


no one's coming

they won't save you if you try

I’m addicted to the feel of cold metal sliding across bare flesh
Addicted to the instant
when nothing marks smooth skin
immediately before
red rivers rapidly rise
painting a once white canvas
with a flood of emotion,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs caught in my throat,
numbness replaced by pain & sadness.
Addicted to the imperfection
of red welts and dotted scabs that follow,
fingers drawn like magnets
to the texture of healing skin,
tracing over and over and over now fading ridges
Amazed that I am strong enough
to heal myself over and over and over.
Convincing myself that I am strong enough.
I find strength in my weakness.

Every thing
is an issue
the minutiae of living
affects me and you

if I were nothing
I'd suffer no blue
that would be an absurd thing
it couldn't ever be true!

When she bloomed,
I found my voice,
Such was the power of her beauty,
Her smile restored my soul.
1/8/2020

You fanged at me so proud,
but I only eat poison,
I only kiss snakes.