i think a lot about the things i can’t change
why the sky is the shade of blue it is
why worms move the weird way they do
why i still love you when you don’t seem to love me
all things that make no sense to me
you treated my body like a piece of land
and every mole, scar, and stretch mark was an eye sore
you said my paranoia was cute
and me locking, unlocking, and relocking the doors was ‘precious’
now you said it was an annoying habit you wished I would break
sometimes i wonder if you miss me the same way that i miss you
i wonder if you stay awake at night twisting and mangling your body into the positions that ours would fit together
i stay awake at night and lose hours of sleep thinking about you
and even when i find myself drifting to sleep i find your image fluttering underneath my eyelids and manipulating my dreams
even as i’m unconscious in the only place i felt safe you are still a constant reminder
i trace my lips with my index finger just like you used too
you always did this before we kissed
i remember clear as day the one time you didnt
that was the last time i saw you without tears in my eyes
begging you not to leave me
you told me i was a burden
I was a lost cause
and i knew that meant you had found someone else whisper sweet nothings too
i know you kiss her the way you kissed me
there was a girl before
and I don't doubt there will be another after
i was nothing to you
and you were everything to me
you will climb mountains
well i drown in the lakes that sit peacefully below

my goal for 2015 is simple:
to love myself.
embrace the pale skin draped over my hallow bones
and bring new life to the blood coursing through my veins.
to no longer let the society that has raised me
interfere with my view of myself.
i am personified to be a withered rose,
losing its petals with each supposed loss of myself.
i am critiqued daily with the held ideology of some morons
who feed the public mediocrity in  the hopes of creating fear among  the public.
no longer will i claw at my skin like a demon trying to escape in hopes of alerting my appearance into something that is not recognizable,
in the desperate plea that i will no longer fear passing by a mirror and having to face my reflection.
i should not be considered cocky  when i say that i love myself
i am a beautiful, short, chubby young girl with big,bright brown eyes that will now hold a plethora of emotions and not just misery and sorrow
i shouldnt be afraid to share my ideas with the world  
im  going to take the world head on
and share my concepts and ideas with overflowing passion that some have labeled  a blessing and others mock as a curse.
2015 will be the same as 2014
with new and revised commitments
ones that cannot be susitained and are tossed aside in the coming of a week
although i dont belive my goal will be hard to come by
i love myself already
but i have just been taught to shelter it with the concept of modesty
no longer will i live by the warped standards of three idiot boys
i wont entertain your simple mind appease your narrow minded standards.
i will be embrace the inner goddess that i am
because i love myself.