Liar. Falling in love didn't make her whole. It became her last unraveling.
How do you stay whole
In a world full of fractures
I woke up. And today my ghosts woke up with me.
The wind told me he loves
- but we all know how fickle He is
One moment he's brushing my cheeks with gentle caress
**( And the next he's lifting up some other girl's skirt )
I wish someone taught me how healing hugs can be. I would have hugged you so tight until you felt whole and more again. (even though hugs make me feel so awkward)
I wish someone taught me how comforting holding someone can be. I would have clung to you, held your hand, and even cuddled you so close until you realize that I really really do love you in every way I can. (even though I will fear that you’ll think me too clingy and stifling to keep)
I wish someone taught me how reassuring spoken affection can be. I would have told you I love you over and over again until they get through your walls and erase the doubt and insecurities that you keep hidden and buried.
(even though those words feels foreign to my tongue and and they end up stumbling one after the other)
I wish someone taught me how to be thankful for simple things. I would have treasured each awkward gesture of affection you threw my way if I knew I’ll be deprived of it in the future.
I would have laughed at your jokes harder if I knew I wouldn’t get to hear them again.
I would have smiled at you more if I knew I wouldn’t get the chance to see you smile back again.
I just wish you told me before making the decision your own. I would have begged you otherwise. (I would have groveled and pleaded with my own life. )
I wish you held on just a little bit longer. I would have pulled you up with all my might until these weak bones of mine break.
And I wish someone taught me how to love. I would have loved you better. Would have loved you harder if by doing so would make you love yourself.
I wish I loved you enough that it made you want to live.
Thing is, I'm more afraid of being happy
Than of being alone and lonely.
Happiness doesn't feel real.
It feels like a mirage in a dessert.
It's not real.
It only lasts for so long.
And once it's gone, you will feel worse than before.
I often think that sadness is better.
Though sadness sometimes shakes me
It doesn't break me.
It can't because I'm used to it.
I can't feel worse if I don't know what happy is.
And that is addicting. Not being exposed to roller coaster emotions is addicting. It feels safe.
I asked for silence but ****. I didn't realize it would be this loud.
I won't be the girl who is terrified of shadows and silence.
I'm better than the mind that at times consumes me.
We may not have forever
But a lifetime is all I ask
I've worn it for so long that it already is a part of me
Can I have my heart back?
The one I gave you years ago.
It might be collecting dust in the corner
but I understand
Cause you never even knew that you had it all this time.
It might be a little rusty
Even broken in some parts.
But I'll make do.
Because I really need it back.
Someone came along and says he wants it.
But I did not have mine when he asked for it.
So can I please have it back?
Because I finally found someone I can share it with.
No matter how many times they fall
The clouds always find their way to the skies
And I know someday I'll also find my way back to you.
I'm a creature of habit.
I get easily confused with constant change.
So please excuse me if I'm still hanging onto us when you have already left me ages ago.
It's too loud.
Is it the chatter of unknowing strangers
Or the voices screaming in my head?
The music doesn't drown them out.
They're getting louder, singing with the music
Turning lyrics into phantom chants
Their summons echoes through the chasm
I can feel the shattering.
Feel the madness breaking in.
I need to run.
Detached from this world I'm supposed to live in.
Not quite touching.
Not quite flying.
Just living in between.
Drifting on the precipice of sanity and madness' calling.
I was clutching on tattered vines
Praying fervently to all that are divine
To let it hold
Please make it hold
I was gripping tightly on my last strand of faith (I'm slipping)
Just let me hold
Let my life hold
Then you pulled at me
And I went crashing
So here I am with a shattered heart, a broken soul and a tattered gown.
This is about how you're barely holding on without going mad and then yearning for some guy's love turns out to be your breaking point. It's titled Stark Naked because I wanted to write something about vulnerability and here it is.
It's terrifying. Writing is terrifying. The way you get addicted with words and how they come about from the recesses of your mind, seemingly forming themselves according to a syntax understood only by the primitive language of the soul. You try and try again to find that one moment which made you write your very own masterpiece but unable to. And while looking for it, you stumble upon another thought that slithered its way to your conscious and then you realize, this is amazing. Writing is amazing. Seemingly inexplicable feeling make themselves concrete. Tangible. Through words that you did not even realize you knew. It's amazing how writing unravels you. How you get to face and deal with your deepest desires and uncontrollable fears. Your long-buried shame and never healed wounds. How it makes you bleed out all of your negative emotions which sometimes leaves you dazed and confused due to the sudden burst of sunlight and you even wonder if you've got some loose screws upstairs. It's amazing how you just bare your soul for the world to read (judge) but you can't even care because it is what you feel. You even console yourself with the thought that, they're just strangers. Stranger you get to share and connect with even more than the friends you surround yourself with. It's liberating.
But really terrifying. Writing drowns you in memories long buried and emotions long repressed and if not controlled, it pulls you under. Your broken record of the past plays over and over again until anger and pain and utter betrayal consumes you and trying but failing to swim to shallowed waters makes you give up. You surrender to the whirlpool of emotions starting to swirl within you.
You sink and you spend the whole day wrapped up in your sheets with just your pen, your notebooks, your thoughts and emotions. Unwilling to cross the boundary between your room and reality with a storm still raging within you. So you let the ink of your subconcious stain the once pristine pages. The ticking of the clock seems a useless reminder of the passing time because it never bothers you. It's just you and your poetry.
You start getting addicted with the feeling of being able to explain things for once, even if it is in the form of sappy and sometimes disturbing poetry. You crave for the release of pent up thoughts that never found the proper way from your heart, to your brain then your mouth. The usual stumbling words that leaves your lips now glides gracefully through the lines of the pages and it's heartbreakingly beautiful. That sometimes, you even isolate yourself to get under your "writing buzz".
It's (un)healthy but addicting.
Writing is an addiction I am very hesitant (unwilling) to give up.
You're *sweet intoxicating aroma is what I want to wake up to in the morning.
You are best served sweet, hot and ready, waiting for me in the kitchen table.
You keep my heart pumping and my blood running and I can't get enough of you.
You keep me addicted with your essence pouring down my throat, soaking my every vein.
You keep me thirsting for more, more, oh God give me more.
You keep me up all night and fill me with a drug-induced euphoria that makes me crave for so much more.
You always always leaves me wanting.
You are bad for my health but I can't help getting addicted.
I don't think I'll ever tire of you.
I can't believe I wrote this.
As long as I can
I'll keep these feeling at bay
Until the floodgates open
And drown me in you
When that happens
Save me, will you.
Until I learn how to breathe again
Don't let me sink to the depth alone
I just might not rise again if you don't
And just find solace in the cold ark empty abyss
That was once my heart
I've got no words to just how much.
I write of words of pain
Of darkness looming
and innocence slain
For Soul's redemption
And Greed's own gain
I dance of minuets of the nights
Of grieving hearts and lonely souls
Trapped in time and in their sorrows
I sing of songs of lamentations
Of what was once
And would have been
They danced to the tune of their hearts
with a passion unbridled, unrestrained.
It was the perfect tango.
But that was only 'til he let go.
The night stands witness to her pain
Her tortured screams lay forgotten in its silence
As dawn makes way for the sun that never shined for her
It's hard managing a lonely soul in a world that accepts only the happy. It's hard to force yourself to be happy when you're really not but still I try.Sometimes I find myself laughing with people and sometimes I even find myself enjoying their company but at the end of the day when I'm left alone with my thoughts, I ask myself. Am I really happy? Then my soul grieves and I realize it was just an illusion of the moment.
Ripping old wounds
Only to reveal the infection
Festering in your thoughts
And spreading to your soul
Unrecognized through the haze
Brought by the darkness
Devouring you from the inside out
But through the chasm
Light finally breaks in
Chasing the ghosts away
Making way for healing
And breaking free from chains
Covered wounds now uncovered
Left bare so others may judge
But mostly so that this time
They may heal properly.
I hope to drown in your thoughts and sink to your heart.
He's a calamity that leaves broken hearts in his wake.
why I even wonder
why we wander
when we've never been fonder
to go on yonder.
The tap on her heart
was open all the way
And her love once overflowed.
But the people around her left
Once they were full.
So she closed her heart
And never opened them again.
You can't make ashes burn.
There's only so much alone one can take.
Before madness breaks in.
Being with me won't be rainbows and sunny skies.
No, it'll be red clouds and acid rains.
It'll be crazy jealousy and looming shadows.
It'll be red, white anger and glaring silences.
It'll be overcompensating insecurities and stiffling possessiveness.
I know it'll be too much for you to bear
So do you still dare?
Now that you know being with me will be living in hell.
I won't chain myself to a commitment I can't fulfill. I won't compromise who I am just to be with you. Besides, I'm still making sense of who I am. How can I make sense of me in the context of us? I'll only end up being led around by you. A faithful dog to my emotions and a puppet of love. I won't do that to myself. I won't subject myself to that kind of pain. The kind of pain where I'll have to tear myself apart from you because I know I'll lose myself if I'm with you. And I'll blame you for it. I won't do that to you. To me. To us. So it's better to stay away. Don't involve yourself with me for you'll only be courting heartbreak.
I won't dive straight into deep waters because I know I never learned how to swim.
From budding seeds
To burgeoning gardens
With flowers blooming in her cheeks
And sunlight breaking in her smiles
She was breathtaking
In everyone's eyes
Which makes people wonder
What makes her so?
She always answers
Love makes her so
My emotions are supposed to be mine and mine alone.
But why is it that they can be triggered by someone else?
Why is it that I can't rein them in?
I'm losing control of myself
And I'm scared of the consequences it entails.
Don't give up halfway through
Know that there's a jewel waiting for you
I can sit idly all day
And won't tire of it.
I can wallow in my thoughts for hours
And still won't get the doldrums, no, not one bit.
So know this.
The world might think you a bore
But for me you won't be.
I can (stay) deciphering you for months, for years
Or even forever,
And that will be enough of a fun for me.
He was a drop of rain
In the scorching summer heat
A relief from the drought my soul suffers from.
Guard your heart.
And I built walls around mine
He is raging seas
And I am standstill mountains
Ravaged by time
Stalked by shadows
And ghosts of the past
What was once a regal temple
Standing proud and strong
My soul is nothing more but a ruin
I refused to be chained
Up by my past
But the walls I built
Imprisoned me instead
A splash of white
A drop of black
He always leaves
Me bathed in gray
Every rock of insult
And kept buried
Till a fortress was built
Around her failing heart
Each impact barely scratches her
Well guarded soul.
Lonely souls commune together
To keep insanity at bay
If only you said
''I've got you''
She won't be hurting this way
Saying she wants to die
She lost it all
My heart screamed
*''You still have me!''