i come here to dwell
not in pity
nor in sadness
just to sit
on empty nights
in silent darkness
perfectly alone
behind memories
lost in you
all over again

too see you
without seeing you
hearing your voice
soft yet warm
a gentle mumble
through the words you write
i crave your interaction
any interaction
messages written
words forgotten
long discarded
never spoken

it takes a lot
to sit so close
to the one thing
you want most
and remain silent
god, it takes a lot
a lot of ******* love
to not scream into the abyss
in the hope you’ll answer

to lose you
not by label
of lover or friend
nor the bright eyed girl
i craved to know
but the one
who loved all of me
and the parts
i’d not show.

if only you’d understand
the light in which i see you.
or the way your absence lingers in a room;
long after you have left it.
i wonder if mirrors melt
under your gaze
or the bedsheets savour
every moment wrapped in you.
i wonder if those around know;
just how wonderful
being in your audience truly is.
the right person
at the wrong time.
fates cruelest joke.
she never let me choose
falling in love with you.
nor has she ever taught me,
on how to stop.

~

i saw a bee today
and thought about you.
i thought about your jeans
the ones with the bees
embroidered on the sides.
i thought about how you looked that day.
i thought about the way you smiled at me
with wide eyes peering into my soul.
i thought about how; with just a glance
you’d cut me open
everything laid out
displayed for you.
i thought about how much i’d stare
how bad i’d crave our eyes to meet
each time, longer than the last.
i thought about how with you around
the world would melt away
how time would bend between us.
i thought about you
like wet teeth on soft skin
our meetings with god
our midnight sin
i saw a bee today
and thought about you.

~

i don’t always
think about you
with soft skin
wrapped in satin sheets
nor do i always
think about you
with wide eyes
and a forgiving laugh
but i do always
think about you.
i always think about you.
sometimes i wish i could stop.
sometimes i wish i’d never stop.
sometimes i don’t know
what it is i am even thinking of
but there you are.
between each thought
between each flash
an infinite number of neuron's
firing through my brain
an endless electrical dance
and still
there you remain.

that’s the curious thing
about memories you see;
no matter if you’re thinking
about the best ones
or the worse ones
they each leave you feeling
a little emptier afterwards.

i gaze upon the horizon
in the stillness of the night
moonlight spilling  
from the blackness above
as if cut from another realm
pouring into the ocean
a reflection in the water
an ethereal ghost
wandering across the waves forever
in search of their beloved

sometimes i come here
to write only for you;
sacred words spilt on white
when i’m feeling so blue.  
sometimes i come to here
to mourn a love
long lost to time
and sometimes i come
just to remember;
that once you where mine.