There's a first time for everything, I guess
My initiation to the cult of harm came last night
After I'd made sure everyone had gone to bed
Crept over by the window and moonlight
Placed my arm on the altar in front of me
Mechanically, efficiently swabbing it with alcohol
Scent sterile
For even in this, I will hold onto the pretense of a rationalist
I deride myself, tell myself I'm just going through with it because it's what people would expect from the depressed
That I could stop myself easily and so it's my fault if I don't
But god, I want to lose control so badly
The needle skitters across my skin and I shiver
It dances swirls along my arm
You don't need blood and scars for pain
It scrapes angrier against my skin
And a blissful silence pierces my head
As my own voice fades from between my ears
It's a trance-like happiness
A closed-eyed, fluttering-lashes smile
A beautiful pain throbbing, bringing me back to myself
I could have stayed up hours on that one taste of losing control
But this was just an initiation so I dragged myself away
There's not a trace the next day
Except in my mind where I hunt for all acceptable forms of pain
Push on your bruises, a friend advised
Pencil tips, pens
I stop myself
I resist
I said I wasn't going down this path
I'm on my own in August, I only have to make it to then
Then help, so no more of this
I wait until everyone falls asleep again
And though I am exhausted, stumble toward the moonlight
Sterilize, needle in hand, ready to dance
I refuse to go any farther, I tell myself
Death laughs from inside my head
Baby steps he snickers and
Isn't that what you said last time, doll?
There's a first time for everything after all
I won't,
I reassure the needle tracing kisses across my skin.
I'm fine.