Ugliness is not born,
ugliness is taught.
Scars, blemishes, freckles
are all kisses on the face.
Pieces of true beauty,
that we should not erase.
Who decides if I am beautiful or not?
I decide.
My words, my actions, and my imagination
are really what count.
I like myself,
just the way
I am.

There's ***** dish water stewing in the kitchen sink.
There's a ghost of passion past,
Stopping to take a drink.
There's more to her surface than what you think.

But all you want is all you ever wanted.
It's just a fantasy.
And it's time to pull the plug.

I just can't see why.
She whispers her unhappiness to me before she falls asleep.
But you have a beautiful life, I say.
To which she replies,
Why do I feel this way?

And I can't give her a good reason.

She is mopey and moody,
Unpleasant most times.
And I cannot console her,
Or waken her smile.

But some days she leaves and doesn't return.

This silent shadow that's haunting me,
Is really no person but lives within me.

The mysterious unknown that I hate to love.
Calm, collected and quiet: leaning against the wall.
I watch two eyes watching the world in front of them.

Reading thoughts and seeing emotion flash across an unmoving face.
I could write a book about those lips.
The ones who trap words like flies, and speak like jazz music,
blowing their notes into the warm wind.

When he watches me, I know my cheeks change color.
I am a human mood ring, see the colors that I bleed.
Never letting me leave, and never giving me the chance to want to.

Small gaps of time for thinking,
Only st-st-stammering.
Until I have no reason to.

My mind an echo of recorded moments and my eyes a moving picture.
Until we meet again.

Do you remember the days,
Where the thought of love,
Could make you ill?

How many more, are old souls?
The kind who dream more than they live.
The ones with nothing left to give,
Who've watched their past wash by,
Like sinking tides and rising skies.

But who are happy at the thought,
Who find comfort in the feeling,
Who yearn for those days again,
And get lost in the meaning.

The beauty in the flaws,
The words between the lines.
How staring into the distance can bring it all back.
How the rising sun did fade to black.

Because I remember.

So you danced the night away,
In your best black dress,
Champagne runs through your blood,
Wine roses shade your face,
And you can't help but think of him.

It's all so new.
It's young and shy.
And so are you.

But you know better.

Hoping for nothing,
And you can't help but think of him.

Carefully holding on to his thoughts,
collecting his bearings.
The tears begin to slide outside,
without my permission.
Each word feeling wrong and raw on my tongue.

The silence holds us,
each in our own minds.

I long to feel his touch.
But I cannot bare to have him feel my scars.
These rigid bars keeping me locked within.

He musters up a weary smile.
*I will wait for you, always

I long to get lost under the setting sun,
it's golden glow filling me whole,
making me full,
warming my spirit.

Shared sunlit kisses in a soft summer wind,
not even knowing where to begin.

The birds circling above,
the sand brushing by below.

My heart's been filled,
and we've no where better to go.

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love is to lose your mind.
Sometimes dwindling in its trust,
sometimes overcome with lust.
Love is clever, love is lost,
will the perfect love still pay a cost?
Love has given me warmth, has held my soul,
love has left me with a hole.
In my heart.

And love is indifferent,
because I would do it all over again and again,
for love.

Close those eyes,
That sting and drip.
Slow the breath,
That shakes and quivers.
Calm the heart,
That yells and groans.

This body is only skin and bones.

Like twinkling lights,
The soul will show,
unto the room.

A terrible ache grows firm in my side,
creating a home within my desires.
When? Just tell me when.

Wait

Four seasons blending into one another,
prolonging answers.
Hunger for clouds that have never poured rain.
Slowly driving yourself insane.
Now?

Wait

But how?
Slow my heart, and calm my mind,
and try to leave no moment behind.

Simply wait

A slow crawl on hands and knees,
26.2 miles with no break, no wheels,
Searching for a quick escape.

*Wait

Golden grains of sand gliding along the bottom of the sea.
They understand the depths of the earth.
But we cannot.
Ladybugs perched on idle blades of grass.
They see the world in its vast height.
But we cannot.
These eyes that see, deceive us.
We see what we want.
We cannot comprehend with our vision so blurred.
The wandering secrets of the world.
Curled up in corners, unfolding in meadows.
But can we see them?

A warm hand holds the world in all of its sadness.
Sins, hypocrisy and deceit come alive as the night falls like a curtain in a theater.
Leaving only darkness.
And yet every new dawn the everlasting light endures.
We wake up and greet the day knowing that we are protected.
We are loved eternally.
We are saved.
And the darkness that surrounds us is not really our home.

feeling so small,
and powerless.
Holding tight to my row boat,
As the dark ocean waters,
storm both sides.
My matted hair, soaked,
covering my eyes.
I sail alone,
without direction.

and they want to cut me open.
take away what i was born with.

my therapist said we are all butterflies.
transforming, changing.
metaphorically.

but some of us,
are changing,
biologically.
under a knife.
to save our life.

and that is the hardest metamorphosis,
i can think of.

I was sitting in my windowsill,
feet dangling towards the ground,
when a small bird perched itself on my leg.
I didn't dare move in fear of frightening him.
He sang out and fluttered in the morning light,
chirping and cooing with delight.
And I couldn't help but smile.
Like a child, I sang back to him.
I wondered if any strangers could hear us.
We were a 6 AM alarm.

When the past comes to haunt you,
and knocks upon your door,
what will you say?
When the worst is brought upon you,
and decides it's here to stay,
what will you say?
When love has been broken,
and surely tossed away,
what will you say?

Will you smile and say hello?
Or will you turn and look away?

What do I say.

When it doesn't sit right,
and you can't help but fidget,
and the feeling only gnaws.

Cut yourself free.
Slice through the vines that hold you.
Use the fire within,
to burn what's outside of you.

When you have to choose,
between pain and hurt and you.
Always,
choose,
*you.

Long legs and electric red high heels.
A polka dot strapless dress,
and the classic rhythmic tune of Chuck Berry,
echoing in the background.

A deep green 1955 Chevy Bel Air,
windows down,
and a cool breeze swinging through her hair.
Her Bonnie blonde hair.

And now they wait.
For the sun to fall from the sky,
and leave the earth's crust in a midnight haze.
Only lit by the dull moon's gleam.

Only one problem.
Where's Clyde?

Sometimes I believe that I am crazy.
Not crazy in love, or crazy smart.
But downright, medication provoking insanity.

Questioning myself, back and forth.
There are two of me.
She smiles and does what she is told.
I break out of my close entrapment and let her see the real world.

The world that has no answers,
the world that has such strict boundaries on what is "normal."
What is normal?

They say that I can still be like them.
They say that medication will take me away,
and leave her by herself.
She is the real crazy one: the complacent conformist.

And so she smiles and keeps our mouth closed.

Her room is painted white.
A blank canvas.
Whispers fill my ears, of all her
Possibilities.
She is not me.
I have to remind myself.
Empty of memories,
Full of furniture.
I can see her growing here.
My little girl.
One day these coos and cries,
Will change to words.
She’ll sing songs instead,
Of lullabies.
I’ll savor every moment.
Every sweet little song.
In this room,
With the white walls.

Breathing.
You're doing it right now.
In and out, in and out.
But why?
What do you breathe for?
Do you see a face?
Who do you breathe for?
I know who I see.

The people that know you don't really know you.
                    Unless you want them to.
Why let in that groggy blur to the clearness in your mind?
Why seep down in grimy mud and force yourself to bind?
That dull ache and restless shake that ponders in your soul,
will only cut you, marr you, rattle you and leave you with a
                                    hole.

How is it that a glass can go from empty,
to brimming,
within mere hours?

One strong pour.

My intuition never leads me wrong,
and yet I've been surprised a number of times.
Where did this come from?

What are we building?
But better yet, what are we building it on?

Small sips could never quench it.
Deep breaths could never soothe it.

And I'm left to watch the glass.
As it stirs within itself.

When I think of seasons,
I don't picture colorful leaves,
Falling in delicate pattern.
I see highs and lows,
Valleys and mountains,
My sadness, my woes.
I can hear my past thoughts echo,
I can remember being happy.
But I cant feel it.
New joy is fleeting.
Falling.
Failing.
This season that I sit in,
Is frosted over, cold.

I sit on the stand-still lake,
Running my hand through the water.
I see the fish swim below.

Completely dry,
I'm merely floating.

And here comes the wake.
The rippled rush.

I'm submerged.
Down I plunge to the bottom.
Sitting in the sand.

I hold my breath.

you can't hear me
i've grown so small,
it's hard to see.

the feelings have tripled,
they swim around me,
mouths opened wide,
gulping me whole.

i'll sit here in the dark,
thinking about my heart,
and wait for my breath to escape me.

There's a bitter sort of beautiful,
in this recklessness.
Where the plunging river of fear,
finds its drought.
Nothing matters to your head,
nothing matters to your heart,
but it's the thirst in your soul,
that makes you whole.
It's the frigid midnight cold that keeps you bare,
It's the salty ocean water rising over your head,
that bittersweet numbness that let's you know,
You're not dead.

A heavy cloud filled with disbelief hovers over my small being,
seeping sadness,
raining false hopes and secret lies.
The sun I held on to so tightly,
was merely a rain cloud in a brightly lit mask.
You were my only sunshine.
And now you'll rain on me,
*forever.