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If I die tomorrow and am no longer present
When my life no longer reruns on bad television channels
Please read my words to the ears of your children
To the moments of the future I will not experience
Even if the only words your ever read are
I love you. I love you all so much
I will elaborately devise a plan to fulfill the broken parts of tomorrow.

I am but one man, with a dream of fixing broken things.

Broken things like hearts and people.

Although, I am broken.

And I can't seem to fix it.
We all have the intrinsic value of wanting to help those around us. Yet I can't find the correct tools to fix myself first.
Bury the satire under pillows and sheets,
Why is this me?
Why is this me?
I keep reading the stories of older women who will someday be me,
Why can't I see?
Why can't I see?
In the glasses I fill with wine,
In the rooms that smell of pine,
The cheek that's touching mine,
When will I be?
When will I be?
I am thinking all alone
Calling strangers on the phone
"Hey it's me. It's me. Hello?"
I am reaping what I've sown,
Why is this me?
Why is this me?
Not for all eternity
Will sadness streak my cheek
Or curve me with a sightless weight
That bows my kneecaps weak.

Nor evermore shall I mourn
A departure so abrupt,
A constant fixture in my world
From it, so sudden plucked.

Even all time, so short and long
I dare not wish nor pine
Each blessed day that passes by
Each night would ease my mind.

But for a lasting moment
Each smile, each laugh, each breath
The memories shall hold me now
No longer left bereft.
Let's break all the tension with the pretense of my presence.
Yes, I'm insensitive--but there's no other incentive others can give--
And while I'm not sure I could prevent it, I swear to no god I'm inventive!

Yes,
My hatred is incessant--ever present--and it's what I hold most sacred.
I'm a naughty narcissist with a nasty list of wasted kisses,
And I won't say that I'll miss 'em, 'cuz I'm the type who never misses.

I'm a hopeless romantic with a new sense of Tantric hope,
It's the antics of a frantic mind, but I'm too calm to cope.
They say I'm a raving, violent--rarely silent--tyrant with a craving
for the obscene,
Though, while I'm mean, I'm rarely seen within a mob or in a scene.

I'll admit I've got a streak, but--if you'd stop to take a peek--
You'd see a Buddhist, not a nudist, who's less a demon than a geek.
I'm oblique and I'm obtuse (do these math puns work for you?) yet I'm rarely never right;
Get my angle? Catch my drift? I might thrash, but, man, I'm thrift!
Hold on shift: I'M SCREAMING NOW!!
Don't know why; don't have a cow!
Remember that? That 90's rap? Look at me then; that piece of crap!
Shot down! Torn up! Shut in! Turned out!
Lips are sealed; inside I'd shout,
'Bout just how bad I wanted out!
Enraged and crazed; cravin' razors; a victim hiding from all saviors!
Turned to the pen to brace for the knife,
Started writin' and saved my life.
It's funny to say my life got better the day I started a suicide letter...

But letters turned to words and those words became whole worlds,
And before my very eyes a whole legacy unfurled!
I was GOD--not just a slob--but a shaper of all things,
And the schemes that I'd been dreaming shifted into scribing,
And I never stopped since then; it's why I'm still alive!

So my insanity became vanity as calamity turned to amity.
Sheer pessimism became untamed narcissism,
But if the mind's a prison then consider me jail broken.
Outspoken, re-awoken; take a moment to let that soak in.
That a boy doubtful of tomorrow could ditch the sorrow,
And become an immortal--though immoral, not totally amoral.

So yea, I've got my faults; I'm a sensory assault,
And while I don't mean to offend I'm just a product of the ends.
Played with fire; I got burned.
Dared to aspire; I was turned.
So I inquire to you sires as I march out of the fires:
You've seen my darkness and know my story--beginning, middle, end--
My name is Nathan Squiers, do you wanna be my friend?
 Dec 2014 Ronald J Chapman
Tupelo
Dressed in black,
I came to witness,
Every tear that fell,
All the bouquets they sent,
Photographs of old memories,
The twilight in the room,
Carefully chosen conversations,
The heading on the tombstone,
I am sorry for your loss,
I'm sorry it was me.
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