I am enough
Hearing those words said to me
Brings tears to my eyes
My own brain never says that to me
It always spits out lies.

Do more, be more, achieve more.
But it's not a gentle nudge
You must succeed or else you'll be
Forever stuck in sludge

A sludge of thoughts of inadequacy
Mentally beat yourself up
You cannot tolerate any less
You'll face a half empty cup.

Exhausted.
Like a hamster on a wheel.
Mariana's trench deep is how I feel
"Let it go" says Elsa
If I could
I would
I've already tried
4856 times
To get these thoughts out of my mind
"Accept them"
"Try to be kind"
How can I when these thoughts put me in a bind
Paralyze me
Overcome my body like a tsunami
And the CD is stuck on replay
Go away
Go away
But still they stay.
And I still try to slay
The dragon of thoughts in my mind.

Be perfect.
No mistakes.
I'll keep you safe
Don't worry, okay?

Words from the critic inside my head.

Study more, eat less,
Look at you, you're such a mess
Follow my rules
And you'll be great
Excellence will be your fate.

But wait.....
Life is not perfect.

It has ups and downs, twists and turns
Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you get burned

It's a wonderful, messy place.

My whole life I loved my status
I loved being known as smart
It delved deep into me and attached itself to my heart

I survived all of primary and secondary school
On my imaginary pedestal.

But once you're in the bigger world,
It's hard to excel
To know you're the best
So you strive for control
In ways you know best
Food and school
Perfect each test.
Rules rule your mind.

I dream of a day
When I can just be me
Not the best, a little more carefree
Where I don't feel the need to prove my existence
Where failure doesn't bury me in a hole 8 feet deep
Where my expectations are more realistic.

Each day I'm getting closer.
Each day I'm learning more.
Some days I'm more forward, other days I'm back
But as long as I stay on the right track
My battered soul will be free from attack

Dear 17 year-old Laura,

Don't worry so much about being perfect
Don't push yourself to get the highest marks you can get

You certainly don't have to do it all
You deserve a break, even if it's small

You're beautiful
I know you may not think that but it certainly is true
Inside and out
Beautiful, that's you

Ignore the imperfections you see in the mirror
For only you are able to see
The "too big stomach" and "jiggly thighs"
You're gorgeous as can be

I know you're scared to graduate
You became comfortable in high school,
But the world is so much bigger,
Adventure awaits you

Please don't think that you're ugly
Boys will come and go
Focus on liking yourself
Though that's hard, I know

The summer did flash by for you
University hit you hard
Please don't be mad at yourself
For all your "unsightly lard"

You became ill and that's okay
None of this was your choice
It's not your fault you spiraled down
From listening to that voice

The hardest months of your life thus far
You sadly had to endure
Because you couldn't forgive yourself
Mental illness is a blur

Shame and stigma rotted your mind
Made you think this was your volition
Like someone gets cancer, you became sick
Becoming mentally ill wasn't a mission

Your life will slowly rebuild
The future will have ups and downs,
You should be incredibly proud of what you survived
Continue to fight those sounds

I wish that we hadn't dated last year
I'm doing better now
But alas
You're not here

Would timing have changed
Our inevitable fate?
What if I'd been better
In a "more myself" state

--

But I cannot choose
How the cards fall
At the mercy of the moment
Despite wanting to control all

From this I have learned and grown
In innumerable ways
Lessons I can carry
Into life's next phase

Our worlds
were too separate
for us to be together

One week you give me attention
My heart starts to soar
Haven't felt this way in a while
Never noticed you before

Before long possibilities dance in my head
My friend tells me
No
Like yourself more instead

But in my heart I knew
What I wanted to do
With this, I was not through
This made me less blue

Anxious to go out with you
Worries clouded my brain
My friend tried to calm me
My mind was going insane

But it went surprisingly well
Or at least that's what I thought
But alas I was wrong
It didn't mean a lot

I almost forgot

I cannot be messaged
As a last minute choice
I am more than an option
I have a real voice

I deserve more
Someone who chooses me
First on their list
Is where I will be

I'm ashamed to admit
that from time to time
I miss the feeling of my bones.

I miss feeling thin
Feeling empty within
Feeling powerful and in control

Yet this is an illusion.

Depressed and fat, or depressed and thin?
Which mindset will eventually win?

I hope to find a middle ground.
Where self battering isn't a recurring sound.

Can that be found?