I think there will always be a part of me that wishes you were still apart of me.
Maybe not romantically but definitely platonically.
But I shake my head to such crazy thoughts.
You know why?
You made it clear that I cannot be in your life.
And I want to say I get it, but I don't.
In my darkest hour, My mind could only sought to you.
We need to protect ourselves I know, but what form of toxic was I if all I ever did to your mindset was try to at least show you who you are.

But enough about that.
I don't talk about you.
You raise insecurities to the people of my life.
They see everything we shared as something that's indescribable.
And it's a mess because we're ******* up their sense of security.

We don't talk about you.
But you're always the main point of a topic.

Bear with me.
I have writers block going heavy on my mind.
And I have this deep sense of need to write about you.
So I'm going to do my best to find these words.
No, they are not lost, but they are currently hiding from me.
Perhaps it is because I cannot use simple words to describe my love for you.
It could also be that my heart feels that using complex words wouldn't be enough.

But darling.
Do you see the title?
Because that is not just the name of a developing piece that will turn into a more heartfelt confession.
This is your title.
My love.
You are the one.

I want to say that all my life, I have been searching for something that would allow for me to love and to fully love back.
And for some time it felt like I had found it.
But subconsciously my mind weighed heavy and it kept telling me that I'm rushing the process.
Everything I experienced is part of a process.
And eventually my eyes will open and till then, I will feel and experience progression.

I know I tend to speak in riddles but bear with me.
I have writer's block.
And it's a mess because getting to the point feels like trying to open a combination lock, just with the idea of the password.
But not enough knowledge.

But like I said my love.
I have this deep need to write to you.
Maybe with a few complex anecdotes
And a smear of simple annotations.

Every waking second spent with you, is a blissful moment that puts my heart to ease.
With every single touch , my senses awaken. My soul rejuvenates. I feel oddly at peace.
As if this is it.
She is it.

I once believed that I would never lose you.
This isn't because of some sort of egotistic behaviour, no it's the thought process that told me we are permanent.
and of course I told myself that if I don't think it. It won't happen.
I shouldn't have done that.
I watched my reality come crashing down the second I lost you.

I watched one hour turn into two till it became twelve.
Perhaps then I witnessed a pain so unrealistic
A pain so mortifying.
An experience so terrifyingly horrible.
Every minute of that was unbearable.
A life lesson. But ****.

Then I got you back.
I watched the colours return back to my eyes.
I noted my one true fear.
To lose the love of my life.
To lose you.

Because darling as the poem says.
You're the one.

Please don't ever forget that all that I AM, Is all that YOU will receive.

Today is like my birthday.
Because I have found something more temperate than a Winter's day.
My true love has finally come to me.

MY ONE IS HERE.

Less than 24 hours ago, I wrote that I found freedom and solace in her.
That my state of mind always seemed to be in a lighter mood.
Funny how things really can change in mere seconds.

Less that 24 hours, I shared to her an even bigger piece of my heart.
I gently removed my battered heart from my chest and asked for her to hold on to it.

Bruised and coloured in black, purple marks. I gave to her willingly.
And what better way to do that if not with poetry.
The only artfrom that truly  defines who I AM.

Her eyes, shined with happiness, or so I thought.
My mind so calm, trusting that every move I made is worth it.
I shouldn't have listened to any bits of my mind or heart though.
I should have fought.
Now look at my consequences of love.
My heart is caught in a bob wired fence.
Losing its last bits of red.

Less than 24 hours ago, I thought you would protect me.
So willingly I gave you all of me, bits I repaired, Bits I was working on and the remainder of what made me me.

What gave you the right to look me in my bloodshot eyes and tell me I am not  enough.
Why take all that I am to tell me that you can't do this.

Is this it?
Is pain the only constant that belongs in my life?
Because everytime I try to feel something better than it.
It leaves like a boomerang and comes back with 10x more the impact.

So perhaps this is my karma.
My one true love.
Pain.
I cannot fight you anymore.

"Can you tell me what you really feel?"

He stares into my brown eyes. Confusion running heavy on his bloodshot eyes.

"I'm really trying to get the grasp of this, because if I can understand where your heart is, I don't have to stand here, worried and rumaging through my already dark mind", he sighs.

If I could find a way to let him Know how I am. It should be through poetry.
And if he can understand, I'm sure she will too.

I have had a lifeline of broken support.
In that instance it means that there's no possibility of someone being able to protect me.
I have given my heart willingly to what I assumed would love me back.
You've seen that backfire on me.
You've seen me retract back like a dog with a tail between its legs.
And I know how it hurt you.
It hurt me too.

Knowingly you took it upon yourself to create a barrier of protection between our friendship. Forming something that could offer some sort of relieve to us both. And in it's own way it did work.
Surely for a very long time, I could bare my heart break to you.
And you could allow me to be overwhelmed by your pain.
We did that.

"So are you saying you don't need my protection?" His voice breaks.

I'm saying that you need mine more than anything. I have a bruised beating heart that is protected by a soul that I've never quite met and thats okay.
She makes me feel safe,
she makes me feel protected and she makes . me smile and laugh.
I am more alive with her. Her love is remarkable. So what do you say?
Let me protect you?
My heart is in safe hands.

"Okay"

I have 99 reasons to be happy.
But my depression has one that keeps dragging me down.

I attempted to get over you in a more childish manner.
Ignoring all my feelings and assuming that going through the motion of not feeling my emotions will help my heart get over this.

I failed.
I lost myself in the process and drowned in toxic.
I tried to stay afloat but my mind kept telling me I’m being deluded and that everything in me is sick.
I kept excluding my mind and I kept including my hearts messy ways.

I know what love like you means.
It’s a complete beauty of all things pure and addicting.
And as I had every single dose of you, I couldn’t imagine...
I can’t even say.

Regardless of what couldn’t be it became my reality.
Pulling me down and forcing me to run away from sobriety.
Clashing my very form of solitude to what society classes me as.

I chased the toxic and high that was supposed to make me forget you.
But distant flashbacks of you brought me back to my depression.

I’m not saying you are the reason behind it.
But remember my mental state wasn’t doing so hot yet you managed to cool bits of it.

I attempted to get over you in the worst way possible.
And now.
I’m trying a more cleaner state.

It’s not an attempt.
More of a clearer better way to be away from you.
I promise you I’ll be happy

Sometimes

Sometimes I relapse to you.
Most days I relapse to my mind.

But days like today.
I think of how I should try to move on away from you.
Yes I loved you.
Yes I love you.
But I need to keep away from you.

I won’t be able to do that by holding on.
Your number has been removed,
Our conversations have been deleted.
But I still listen to the memories of you
And baby I can’t ever dispute where my heart lies.

But it shouldn’t be on you.
It shouldn’t be on another too.
It should be on me.

Because ultimately my soul, my sanity.
It deserves the capability and capacity that my love lies on you.

“If you love me won’t you say something”

Our song lingers in the background, heavily playing with anecdotes
And innuendos of you.

But baby.
It hurts that it isn’t on me.

It hurts that it isn’t on me.

Because sometimes I think about how this is disastrous.
How it’s disappointing.

I’m the love I need.
Why can’t I see that?