Do you judge me for being non committal?

Do you look down on me and wonder as to why I have such strong negatives on love?
Do you ever give me a solemn look and try to reconstruct what went wrong with me?
Who hurt me and why?

Because all you can do is ask.
I’ll tell you why I’m non committal.

But regardless of how simple it is.
I see you.
Racking your brain, staring deep into my eyes.
Hopeful that you could save me.
And of course naturally my response seems like you’re my hero.

And it feels great to you. To be the woman to change my pain and turn it into something better.
Realistically, I’m afraid I’m racking my brain over having someone as great as you and still feel nothing.

Instinctively I react to all the things you want me to react to.
I flow to your sensitivity, to your movements and to your soul.
My body in sync with everything that you are.
And it feels like it should be great but I’m in the worst state of indifference. And I want to hate it, but I feel nothing towards it.

I see you though.
It’s unfortunate that you don’t see me all the way through.

And even if you did. What good will it do but cause pain.

As expected this poem should have its wild and theatrical sense of darkness.
From its humor, from each dripping word.
It should be stained and filled with hot to mild darkness.
After all the title already has that harnessed in us.

But what if this is thirteen reasons why I don’t want to be in this darkness?
What if this is thirteen reasons why I need to stop feeling like a mess?

Would it still compel you?
Well... doesn’t matter.

My heart is about to be open today.

1. I went to church today. I hoped to open a deeper level of myself but I got in my head and I let it daze my consciousness and I wasn’t aware of my surrounding. But it awoke when your voice boomed and her hand collapsed on my shoulder. Subtly I remember how her heart bled for my mental freedom. And how her words urged me to not close off. She said something and I felt that. My heart opened a bit and I feel something.
2. I was supposed to go out. Perhaps heavily drink and wipe my anxious overthinking state but deep down I didn’t want to? And deep down was becoming high key. So I got a sign and didn’t. However I did drink not excessive, not to the point of drunkenness but to the point where it  says that I am in control.So believe it or not, my heart opened a little bit. Yearning to be front. About **** *** time really.
3. I thought about you, I am thinking about you. Sitting here, waiting for an EDM song to load on my YouTube, staring at these words flying on my phone and I just can’t help it. I’m thinking of how I can talk to you more or say my most genuine self and something you know? But it’s not just you. I’m afraid it’s also her. And that’s okay, my heart lies in two. But hear me out, I just happen to have my soul mate and my star cross. But I won’t overthink it. My heart is happy with that.
4. I think a lot, sometime it’s very unfortunate but it’s a defense mechanism. A negative one, I overthink the worst and hope that maybe I’m wrong but since I’ve already portrayed it. I just, I don’t ever feel too good Mr Stark.
5. I hate my job. It makes me feel the worst about my self worth. But I need it to persevere or some **** like that. But really it’s ******* with me mentally.
6. Because I get in my head a lot, I over under think and that messes with me emotionally. It turns me to a rollercoaster, I’m just taking everybody for a ride. Spinning all that is around me but forever stagnant till I get repaired for more rides or they just tear me down for something more exhilarating.
7. My heart hurts.
8. My head is overthinking.
9. I want it to stop.
10. Now I told you I had thirteen reasons why.
11. It’s just that
12. I genuinely need to get out
13. And find peace.

Now that you know.
I can’t bear to look at you.

Forcing your pearly whites to appear,
Forcing your hazy foggy eyes to be clear.

I can’t bear to look at you.
Not while I cried for help.

Your mind turns mechanically, going through it’s archives and researching how to solve or rather save me.

I see the exhaustion in your eyes.
I feel the ache in your chest
And I’m reminded that it’s all me.

So I smile, I wear a brand new mask that has no holes or openings for errors.
I under-think and run away from the realization that I can’t escape my depression.

I stare at my anti depressants and refuse to be complacent to its backlashes.
I stare at them and refuse to watch it fully consume and burn me right to ash.

I have a new mask.
Because now you know.

I’ll save us.
Don’t worry about me anymore.

My mask is tighter than ever.

I love you...

If and when you know that I am not okay.

How will you help me?

After all,

All I have done is cry.
All I have done is scream for help.
But now that you hear me,
Tell me

How will you help me?

I tell you
That my memory is hazy.

I tell you that perhaps it’s my head that made sure that these memories are fuzzy.

But you stare back at me.
With a wound slightly opened.
And you tell me
“Maybe it’s all just really in your head”

That doesn’t help.