its been a month
since a blade has touched my skin,
and as i was taking a shower,
i shaved my legs and
i accidentally nicked myself.
i watched as blood
dripped down my leg.
i looked at in awe,
i know i miss the feeling,
maybe one more scratch wouldnt hurt?
but, thats where i stopped,
i didnt try to nick my leg again,
i didnt let the thoughts get to me,
i won.

another day down,
a whole life to go.
{dear god that sounds awful, huh?}

What I did not know, was
what would come next in our
conversation. We usually do
not talk about deep things, but
I started running out of questions.
I know your favorite color and I
know how you met your first
husband. So, what was there left
to ask of you? Well, certainly I
would of course find a way to
ask you something.

The question I asked was simple:
What is the worst thing that has
ever happened to you?
Now, ladies and gentleman I did not
expect what came out of her mouth next
due to the fact that I asked the question
nonchalantly. But, instead she looked at me and
said, "I was *****." She then gulped and
looked me straight in the eyes and began her
story, one in which that I had to hurry and text my mother for
to tell her I'd be a few minutes late because I knew I'd
end up telling her mine. She told me about how it was in
high school and how scared she was.
About how terrible it was and that
was why she started self harm.

I shivered at the thought:
we are so alike.

Mostly in good ways, but I hate that she has been through
so much that I have. That we share that same pain.
I told her about how sorry I was and about what
happened to me. That one of my other teachers was
that only reason I was even standing here to be able to
tell this story today.

I then wished her goodnight and told her we could
talk again if she would like, because it felt nice to
talk to someone who understood and
did not look at me like I was a
mere child.

This was on the 2nd of December, and I wish I
would have been able to stay longer to say
all the things that I really wanted to say.
Maybe sometime in the future we will
talk things over, because they really do
settle my mind.

I have many feelings.
Probably too many feelings.
But that does not give you the right to
give me "friendly advice" about what I should
and should not write about.

If I want to write about the spiritual act of
making love that my girlfriend and I share together
Then I most certainly will.
If I wish to write to write about how I used to
cut my skin and enjoy the way my blood
flowed from my it,
Then I most certainly will.
If I need to write about how afraid I am
That even my own family will not accept me
Then I most certainly will.

This is my way of therapy.
If you do not want to know,
Then DO NOT read it!
Isn't that SO simple?
Do not complain about the things I write about
When you read way worse things.

saved by a shooting star
just the way i knew i would be
who knew what God had in store for me?
for someone that could not praise him healthily?
saved by the true king,
was blind but now i can see
for the brightness of the star
showed me or father
and let me into the fullness of his glory.
saved by God,
he showed me my weaknesses and everything that
i am to become and all that i
ever will be.
he is the true teacher
and i yearn to know what he has in store for me.
please, God. let me live the life you want me to.
and i beg of you to forgive my sins
for i will pay them for all eternity if i have too,
just so i can be able to know your glory.

he gave me a christmas present today.
a coffee cup and some toys.
sounds childish, but i really
appreciate anything that
lights up and sings.

he came next to me and said,
"i have a gift for you."
i walked next to him and
he put in it my hands and said,
"everyone deserves toys, even
when they're a bit older."
and smiled so wide.

i looked up at him and said,
" thank you. thank you so much."
and opened up my arms because
this time i would be the one who
embraced him.

i honestly didn't want to let go.
he makes me feel safe.
he is what home should feel like.
he is a wonderful and lovely person.
and i just cannot get enough of him.

have you ever had those days
when you miss that feeling
of the blade touching your skin
and barely missing a vein?
the excitement you feel
when blood pours out
and the manic grin that
spreads across your face
as the pain subsides?'

i'll be honest,
it is what i have thought about
all day long.
i want the blood
and the pain and the
momental joy.

but, that is all it is.
the feeling flees the second
i am done, the high is gone
and all i am left with is
a ripped up wrist.

hopefully, love isn't the same way.
but, all great addictions usually are.

The boy at the library
Caught my attention.
His big blue eyes and
scruffy ***** blonde hair and
slightly unshaven face has
reminded me that maybe I
don't just like girls and
that even boys can be
Beautiful.

I've never been so happy.
I could write and write
about you all day long.
Some may disagree though,
"Rachel, why are you acting
so sad and so terrible?
You've been so happy lately?"
I'm sorry I lashed out once and
I decided I hated the words you
said to me the other day.
I am so, so sorry that for once
I disagreed with your words
and everything you stand for.
I am so sorry that I have a
mind of my own for once.
All I've ever known was
silence and of being owned
by you wretched people.
But, now I am free.

So free to live and to do
and to love who my heart
chooses.

My heart chose her--
if I could scream it to the world,
I honestly would.
Love deserves to be known
and to be shouted
and to be whispered in
the wind.
Love deserves the attention
I'd give you,
and the songs I'll sing,
and kisses I'll touch you with.
You, my darling, deserve more than
the sadness that life brings you.
My beautiful old soul,
you are bright and such a gorgeous
and beautiful and intelligent girl,
how could I ever let you go?

No amount of poetry
or music
or even kisses
will ever be enough to
show you that you
are my love.

I just keep going, hoping that I won't want you as much as I need you.

What is Love?
is it the way you
get nervous and
pace with your
hands (not) on
your hips?
the way you
purse your
lips together
when you
get angry?
the way you
can't help but
smile when
someone makes
a ***** joke?
is it the way your
eyes light up when
you talk about her?
Is it the way you
cared for me so
unconditionally?
the way you make
butterflies flit and
flit in my stomach
even when i was
asleep?
even when tears
consumed my
eyes to the point
where i couldn't
even see you in
front of me
anymore?
the deepness of your
voice consumes my
thoughts and i
cant swim out.

Love is the way you
say my name.
Love is that knowing
glance you give me.
Love is when you
wrapped your arms
around me tightly
because you knew i
was fighting my
demons.
Love is when i stifled back
tears when as I told you
I was happy for
you.

my heart is on fire
from the poison you
left over and im
burning a whole
hell of a lot,
dear.

I forgot what it was like to make you laugh until today when you reminded me that something so heavenly really does exist here on Earth.

shes proud because
maybe he'll notice her
too.

yesterday i asked him for his favorite quote.
i wanted to make him something close to
his heart, something he could cherish and
love. something that he could fill up,
not only with the drink of his choice but with
his wisdom. knowing his lips will touch the rims
of my gift will be the closest i will ever get to the
full lips that brings my spirits higher than life itself.

he asked for another day to be able to think of a quote,
and i of course let him have it. after all, he has given me
all the days ahead of me. he deserved that much.
when i passed him in the hallway, he held out a paper and said,
"are you ready for it?" and i smiled, rushing down the hallway saying,
"yes yes thank you!" and i ran to the classroom to get my bag but then
i looked down to his messy handwriting that i find extremely adorable.
on the paper he wrote,"No one is born hating another person because
of the color of his skin, background, or religion. People must learn hate,
and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes
more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."

It was said by Nelson Mandela.
I smiled because I thought of how just yesterday I decided that
that same quote was my favorite as well.
I guess we do really have much in common.

I told him that I really loved this quote and I even thanked him.

How does one tell the man she loves that her human heart is feeling so much love for him?

i told you i was happy
that it was the weekend.
you then asked me why.
i said it was because i
have been deprived of
sleep lately and you
replied with a sigh.
you said i seemed tired
but then you asked
if i was okay.
i said im not to sure cause
its changes every day.

you asked me if i knew why i
couldnt sleep lately and i
honestly said i didnt know
why.
hmmm would it be wise
to start calling you adam?

r.a.

wormholes.
they are so tiny--
a trillionth of a
millimeter.
maybe even less.
you cant see them,
you cant touch them.
but with them,
time slows
and everything
becomes new.
i dont mean like
a shiny new toy "new".
i mean like for a trillionth of
a second, things in our
universe change.
they change not by much,
but by how they are supposed
to originally be.
like port keys,
they take you to a new place
in space and time.
they open up a
whole new universe.
wormholes.
arent they beautiful?

Colors are all I see.
I think of him and cannot close my eyes
without seeing his outstanding smile.
I hear his infectious laugh in the wind.
The jokes he made were always so funny...
I see his brightness in the Sun out my window.
The moon reminds me of him as well.
All of the colors in the world just
remind me of him and his beauty.
His life brought joy to those around him.
I miss him already.
I miss his laid back attitude.
I miss his goofy smile.
I miss his kind eyes.
I really miss his sarcasm.
Even though I did not know his favorite color,
I know that I see him in ALL of the colors
that exist in this world.

Even the ones I cannot see.
I miss you Juan, rest in peace.

"I guess he switched the straight flip in her brain"
*NO NO NO ******* LOOK MAYBE IM NOT OKAY WITH WHATS GOING ON BUT HER HAPPINESS IS MY ONLY CONCERN SO ******* FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT SAYING SOMETHING SO DELUSIONAL AND ******* ALL FOR EVEN THINKING THAT. HOW DARE YOU, NONE OF YOU WILL EVER EXPERIENCE THE LOVE THAT WE HAD IN YOUR LIVES IF YOU KEEP THINKING SO SHITTILY SO *******.

"Feed me all night long"
Sure thing baby doll.

i thought of him
and those hands
and that beard
dear god, he is ecstasy.

i thought of that laugh
and that smile
and those blue, blue eyes.
i cannot get enough.

the thought of his tie
and those lips
and the way he sticks out his tongue.
i sure would like a taste of him.

i thought about him
and his brain
and about what he thinks about,
maybe he thinks of me?

he must think of me,
he gives me gifts
and tells me he loves me.
doesn't that mean he cares?

maybe i'll never know.

I dream of girls all the time.
Can't help it. I just do.
But, there is always this one
Guy I can't ever get out of
My mind.

He just gives me these butterflies that
Flit and flit and won't stop and
That smile he flashes me makes my
Heart thump and thump!
He makes my mind go absolutely
Nuts for him and I just
Can't stop thinking of
The way his eyes are so
Beautiful.
They're like an ocean after a storm,
And when the seaweed gets wrapped around
In the waves and makes this
Kaleidoscope of colors, that
I just can't anymore.
He has these hands- I know, weird that I mention them-
But his fingers are so long and strong, but
They're so intricate and delicate that
I can't stop imagining what
They could do
To me.

His voice is so deep and
Smooth and that laugh of his just
Cracks me up.
His smile shines so bright and
I can't ever get enough of
Him.

It's crazy,
I don't think of guys,
But the thing is--
He isn't just some guy--
He's thee guy. He's a
Handsome man that can
Run a mile in under 6 minutes and can
Actually teach me how to
Do well in math, my worst subject.
He can make me smile when I'm
Feeling down and he can even
Get the deepest, darkest
Secret out of
Me.

I wish I knew what I wanted.

Dear Michael,
     I honestly have a lot to say. I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I'll go with something I've been thinking about lately. I've been meaning to say thank you. I'm not sure if I have ever told you this, but I mean it. I am thankful that you cared enough to listen to me. I am thankful that you cared about me even when I believed nobody did. I am so thankful for you.

    I keep trying to think of what it must've been like to hear what was going on with me. I, personally, thought you could care less. Even though you showed me you cared by bringing me to the counselors office and staying after to talk to me, I didn't understand. I was so completely immersed in my thoughts that I didn't realize that it must've been hard for you. I'm sure they questioned you, asked you what I said when you told them what happened. And I do not blame you for telling them, it's your job. But, you didn't just tell them because you're obligated too, right You care, I know you do. And if you wouldn't have cared, i believe I wouldn't be here writing this, listening to vinyls and studying for my 9th grade exams. Let that sink in for a second. Just because you cared, I am here. I am alive. Yes, other things an people contributed, but in the end you were the only person who I believed actually cared if I was alive or dead. It's scary, feeling so alone. It wasn't even a feeling anymore. It was real.

      Anyways, I believe you showed me light. I believe that I owe you so much. I owe you my life, the things I accomplish and the love I give. You can tell me I don't, but I know I do. Thank you for letting me live and breathe and smile and cry and laugh and learn and see the stars. Thank you so so so much.

            Love Always and Forever,

                                                           Rach

I keep remembering the day I told you
About what happened to me.
I caught you before you left to go workout
After class and I smiled at you.
You smiled back, asked me, "What's up?"
And cocked your head to the side to
Send me back that boyish smile of
Yours my way.

I stepped closer (into the vicinity of your enticing cologne)
And I said, "I have an issue."
You looked into my eyes deeply and stepped closer,
Not knowing that you might need the extra room
Between us for later. Your voice dropped from
A carefree tone to a profound tone in which
You only knew to take because of what you
felt in the air between us.

You asked, "Is it boy issues?" And you looked at me
So intensely that I knew I just couldn't bear to
Say it anymore.

I tried to laugh it off, I backed up a bit and
I started for the door. I said back, "Yeah,
It's something like that." And I said goodbye.
I could hear it in your voice as you
Told me 'goodbye' that you
Wanted to listen, but you just
Weren't so sure of
How to say
It.

she
such a simple word, but I love it.
she breathes
and she does every single day.
she breathes on
on what? depends.
she breathes on my
my, my, my, what do we have here..oh..
she breathes on my skin
and I wish to never feel anything other than this feeling in this exact moment in time because in all honestly, *nothing has ever felt this pure.
she breathes on my skin and
and? and?! what more can be done?
she breathes on my skin and calms
calms... me.
she breathes on my skin and calms my
my heart. my mind. my ever breaking spirit and soul.
she breathes on my skin and calms my mind
and she does. all I ever hear is my mind, but during these moments, our souls connect and I feel at peace.
I love her, I truly do.

the month of the end.
you'd probably said it was your beginning,
but what about mine?
school ends and so does our friendship.
but, your forever starts
just as soon as ours never started.
what about me?
do i even matter?
78 days till May.
till the month i release you from
what little grasp i had.
78 days till my heart finally gives up
and till i have to let you go.
like a bird in a cage,
i must set you free.
its what you do to the ones you love,
because if they love you enough,
they'll come back, right?

maybe thats just a saying from a fairy tale
to give people like me hope.

nobody could see me
trying to **** myself.
but i could.
every night i saw it.
i saw the various ways to
slit my throat, my wrist,
to tie a knot, maybe with a bow?
and kick my moms nice chair away?
maybe by drowning,
or jumping from a tall building?
so many ways... so many.
i still see those ways.
i still want to cut.
actually, ive craved the blade
for a few weeks now.
and yet, i havent made a single mark
up and down my arm.

whats stopping me?
i'll be honest: when i go back to school
i want to be able to show my teacher that
it'll be a whole month since ive cut.
thats a long time (for me) and i
really want to keep going.

i can save myself.
i know i can...
right?

If you genuinely believe sexuality is a choice, then you're not actually straight, you just haven't met anyone persuasive enough yet.

I'm practically being kicked out.
No, silly,
Not out of my house or anything.
Just out of my position.
My favorite and least-favorite
position.
Well,
I would tell you all what position it is
but that's not how I work,
now do I?

I don't have much rage
I'm just crying.
No biggie.
I always cry
this time feels different
because I finally understand
that I was just filling that
position in.
That I was just
"keeping it warm"
for someone better to come along.
Technically,
they've been here the whole time though,
they were just hiding in the shadows,
lurking,
waiting,
till you were at your most
vunerable.

After all,
thats what demons are best at,
waiting.
Waiting till you need someone the most
so that they can put on a mask and
act like they'll always be there for you.
That they're your friend.
HA!
I've learned alot over the past year and
even though I may trust many,
I don't keep them close because,
you're right:
They always leave.

Even you will.

i kept thinking of
maybe telling him how i
felt about him.
it sounds stupid but
i feel like not only would he
be sweet about it but
that he'd open up his arms and
say that he wants us to be close.
no, i do not mean he'll leave his
fiancé for me, but as in
friendship close.

when even after i graduate
nothing with matter.
we'll be friends and still talk,
go out for a coffee and have a chat.
we'll have a great friendship.
thats all i want.
i just... i want him.
to want to be around him,
and know him and see him
for who he truly is.

i want him to be honest and loving
and funny and kind and my friend.
i want him to be weird with me and to
smile even when i look so, so terrible and for him
to still teach me things even though im not
his student anymore.

i want him.
but, it looks like I'm not even
describing a friendship anymore.

i just want to dance on your lap
and hear the butterflies flit
and sing in your ear
about how much i want you.
oh dear, i want to kiss your neck
tug on your hair softly
and leave you wanting more.
tiger, i want you to kiss my lips
and taste the love that pours
out of me constantly.
i want you to want me.

i want you to feel my heart,
my hips, my eyes, my lips...
i want you to know me
and my brain, and my curves, and my voice...
i want you to want me.

i need you to need me
like a school needs kids or a
like a flower needs sunlight.
i want you to trust me
like how you trust her
with your 'everlasting love'
i want you to love me
not just in bed, but in our lives.
i want you to show me you care.
show me please dear god just show me

show me.
i'm begging you.

Last night they said,
"We're worried about you."
I breathed heavily and
BAM!
The tears started flowing.
My mind wouldn't shut up,
I couldn't think,
Everything seemed...
jumbled
I was confused and hurt
And it was the only ounce of
Love
I've ever been shown.

I don't think anybody understands.

and thats the thing,
i still love him.
i really do.
i love the way his cologne smells.
the way he fidgets when he gets nervous.
the way his eyes are so, so beautiful.

but, i do not feel the need to
go past your door anymore to catch your
attention.
all i need to do is sit at my lunch table or
hangout with another teacher for you to
magically come in, flustered and handsome,
for you to make a conversation with me.
and thats it, huh?
all i ever needed to do was to
tell you i was happy for you
for you to realize that you need
me in your life as well, just as
much as i need you
in mine.

i can see it in your glances
at church and in the
way you smile at me
when you pass me by or
in the way your voice gets
lower when you
speak to me.

do not hide your love for me,
its highly illogical and all it
does is wear the both of
us out.

sweet dreams darling.

I'll be fine as
Long as you are too.

Yeah!
His presence, His love,
Is so thick and tangible in this room tonight.
And there are some of you here that have not encountered the love of God.
And tonight God wants to encounter you.
And wants you to feel His love.
His amazing love.
Without it these are just songs,
These are just words,
These are just instruments.
Without the love of God, it's just like we're just up here just making noise.
But the love of God changes us,
And we're never the same,
We're never the same,
After we encounter the love of God
We're never the same after we encounter the love of God!
And right now if you haven't encountered the love of God,
And you would know,
Because you wouldn't be the same.
You would never be the same again.
And if you, if you, want to encounter the love of God right now,
You better just brace yourself because He's about to just blow in this place!
And we're gonna encounter the love of God right now!
So God, I speak to all the hearts
And I ask God that every heart be open right now,
Every heart be open.
Every spirit be opened up!
To you God, To You!
And a love encounter--
A love encounter from you tonight!
A love encounter from you tonight God!

I am so sorry for what I have done to you.
From the on and off starving,
and to the horrible food I eat,
and even all the way back to a year ago
when I tried my hardest to cut open my veins.
I would like to apologize to my body,
Because I know I'm worth so much more than that.
I'm beautiful,
And it's about time for me to treat myself
like I am.

her name was angel (coincidence?)
and she came up to me tonight
she had this light in her eyes as she
told me that God has a plan for me.
she thought i'd think she was crazy because
she said he talks to her. (i kind of did)
but, i stayed open-minded because
thats just who i am.

she said that God says im beautiful and
that i will do great things. then she
went into greater detail about how my life will completely
change if i would just stop being so stubborn and let him in,
for he knows i will change the entire world with my leadership.
(ive never met this lady before but she seems to know me more than i know myself.)

i listened carefully as she told me that i needed to call out to God and
worship him, for he will show me the way.

throughout the night i pondered on who i am and what i will be.
she even said that i know exactly what i want to do, but God will not only
let me have my dreams, but even more. he will make my dreams multiply
tenfold and i will be a leader and many will follow me.

i cant decide if i believe her or not, but
since this has happened twice in two weeks
i might as well give God a try.

I went to a
Baseball game last night.
I sat down and looked around.
Nothing interesting really.
But as I went to go get a drink
Something caught my eye.
A black haired girl with
Sparkling blue eyes and
Curves like no other
Looked my way.
She was wearing a band shirt
Combat boots and
Tight jeans that suited her nicely.
She walked towards me
Smiled that warm smile
And said 'excuse me.'
Man,
That smile changed my life and
As she brushed up against me
I tingled all over.
I'll never forget her and her
Black hair and her
Tight jeans and her
Beautiful eyes.

sometimes when i
think of you the
bad dreams
disappear.

but, other times
they reappear and
hurt me more than
ever.

im still not sure if
you meant to hurt
me or to show that
you care,

but darling im in
hell and this isnt
really fair.

Skylar,
What if you were told that I
Killed myself?

Ashley,
What would you do?

Maddie,
Would you miss my fake smile?

Mom,
Would you cry?

Dad,
Would you care?

Macky,
Would you miss me?

Tori,
Are you glad?

Bryce,
Would you miss our
Doctor Who days?

Trace,
Would you miss
Cuddling with me?

Mike,
Would your
Lessons be quieter?

Hellopoetry,
Would you miss my words that
Meant so little?

Wether it's a peck
Or a long make out session
Under the stars
They all feel the same:
Every time my lips touch any
Part of your body I feel as if I have melted
Into your skin and am pouring into your pores.
I am traveling though your blood stream
Surfing on top of your blood cells and I am
Trying to seep into your heart
To be purified by the beauty and love
That is being made inside of you.

I love kissing you because every time I do,
You reassure me that there is a heaven
Wether it be on your lips or in
The stars.

it is important to let the person whom you
wish to give your affection to know that
they are the one you dream about at night and
only wish to show your desires to.
the way I communicate is through my body,
for all of my touches and the sway if my hips mean
more than your mind could ever imagine.
if you think about it, you'll realize that
the smoothness of my fingertips as they
caress your bare chest means that I
want to feel what your gorgeous heartbeat
has to say to me whenever I touch you.
you must know what my kisses mean by now,
for you blush every time I give you one.
and my eyes? while they may not physically touch you,
they do their best to connect with each and every part of you,
including your mind. they wish to let every single crevice of you know
that I am here, and that I wish to feel you in ways you could never
imagine.

I know I have a way with words, but
sometimes it's just best to leave it up to my body and touches to
show you the rest.

I can't think straight
my eyes are blurry and red
tears are rolling down my cheeks
I couldn't bear to wake you up
but I should've
my god, I really should have.
maybe I wouldn't be here
in this place right now
with wet bed sheets now
stained red with
tears of my
blood.

cutting doesn't release pain anymore,
it just lets me feel more.
how am I supposed to let go when
all I seem to do is let the feelings back in?
I can't take it anymore.
this constant pain.
I feel so whole,
yet so empty and I
just cant take it!

I know I am happy
yet I feel so down.
why is it that
every time i feel good
I somehow find a new
reason to get sad
again?

Today I am
Going to a therapist.
Excited?
I think I might be.
Scared?
I'm not sure.

But I know I want to go.

You said I looked like a
Boy.
With high waisted shorts,
Leather/Jean jacket,
Crop top and
Combat boots.

My makeup looked natural and
My hair was down.

Yeah,
I looked like a boy.

i can't get hungover,
yet somehow i know the feeling.
i know the feeling because you were like
alcohol to me.
i am fatigued and weak,
when just before you came around i was
becoming strong again.
i became thirsty and
i really believed that you were
the cure.
in reality, i needed more water...
not more of you.
my decreased need of sleep makes sense.
after all, how can i sleep with the
pains that you bring me
constantly?
concentrating is so difficult,
whether its on a movie I'm watching or
even my school work.
everything has become a chore,
and the sunlight burns and i can't seem to
keep myself focused for more than a few seconds before
i go back to nowhere land.

even though I've never been hungover,
i know that i am with you.
hungover on the thought and the wishes that you
would become something more than a poison to
me.