I hate having to
Sneak those glances.
  But I guess I'll have to
Live like this forever.

Sneaky glances and
     Unspoken feelings.

                                      Oh and            Just so you know,
                            You look really
                      handsome
                 From a
       Sideways view, dear.

i used to wish
for you every
night at 11:11
but now that
i've stayed up
long enough to
even surpass that
time of day i have
realized that in
doing so, I have
wasted over 365
minutes wishing
for you to be
mine.

"Hey Rach, You okay?"
"Rach, you don't look so well..."
"Need a hug?"
"We all miss him..."
"Rach, answer me, please."
"Do you need to talk?"
"Rach... please..."
"You may fight your demons, but at least you won."

All of the things I heard today
and yet I still feel numb.
The sadness is numbing
the pain is numbing
but no matter how many
trips to NASA or sweet kisses
she gives me, I do not think that
I'll ever forget how I feel right now.

I have never felt so much anger
and sadness and rage and guilt
all at once.

I want to throw up and cry and
wish I were dead as well.

But, seeing all of these people who
seem like they care, I guess it would
hurt for them too.

Death seems to affect all of us.
Even to those who never knew
them personally, just the thought
of death brings people to tears.

I guess for me it just makes me
numb now. Numb and sad.
I can't cut because I feel like it
would dishonor his death.
When I cry, I still see him
behind my tears.
I cannot even *blink
without seeing him..

My dreams are dreamless and
my emotions are fading.
It seems harder to breathe now
and the light is barely tolerable.
I want to hide and scream and
cry my way out of this hole I've
sunken back into, but I cannot.

I have too many things going for me.
I just have to keep trying.

they asked me what i am grateful for.
i think of you.
and that smile.
and those eyes.
and that voice...
a person could drown in all of those
simple features that
make you you.

i am so thankful for you.
for you being alive.
for you being here, with me.
for you being the one who
saved me from myself.

thank you.
keep safe over the holidays and
have a wonderful thanksgiving
without me, dear.

His hands
Went down
Into my pants.
I hated the
Feeling
Of his sweaty,
Cold
Palms
And fingertips
On my skin.

He didnt just
Touch
Me in places
That should be kept
Untouched.
He touched my
Soul
And let out
The demons
Inside.

Are you okay?*
he asked, worried about poor, poor Rach.
I smiled, nodded, and tried to get back to work.
But, no, I wasn't okay.
I was having yet another attack,
the kind that
makes your breathing heavy and
your palms sweating.
the kind that
makes you so afraid to move
because of the thoughts you think that
should be imaginable,
eh?

Well,
take a wild ride into my mind
and you'll understand that it happens
to me almost everyday.

so limp,
so frail.
so dead.

inject potassium chloride
into me next.
please.

maybe that'll finally stop
my already dead
heart.

When you left to go get your things,
Your dad looked up and found me.
I couldn't not say hello,
So I walked towards him hoping he couldn't see my true emotions.
He pulled me in for a tight hug,
He kissed my cheek,
And asked me like he knew, "Are you okay? How are you?"
I tried my best to put on a smile,
And I said I've been fine.
But I've never been much of a liar.
He looked at me with that stern look,
And I tried to lighten up the conversation by talking with my friends.
But I could see him in the corner of my eye,
And I knew then that he could see right through me.
After I was done putting on the show
We said our goodbyes.
He pulled me in for another hug,
Another kiss on my cheek,
And said "We all really miss you. You're always welcome Rachel."
I tried my best to be okay,
I truly did.
But even the Xanax couldn't calm me down today.

I still crave for the
Crimson liquid to flow
Out of me.
But thinking of your
Tousled curly locks and
your sea green eyes
with that hint of
grey around the irises
Makes me come back to
reality and I know that
Its best if I don't
use the blade tonight.

her golden eyes find their way to me
as if she was drawn to me like
pharaohs fluid is drawn to magnets.
her golden eyes speak the truth like
two plus two is four.
her golden eyes know me like
her fingers know every single curve of my body.
I simple cannot tell you how much I love her.

Oh Ashley,
You care so dearly for me.
Why?
What's so improtant about
Me?
Why should you care if
Blood pours out of me?
Why should you care if
My dad doesn't visit me?
Why should you care if
I **** myself?

Living is alot to ask for and
I'm sick of asking.
You pay alot of debts and
Fall in and out of love
Who wants that?
That feeling of a constant downward

                  s
p
      i
          r
a
               l
that never ends?
Who wants to feel so
Alone
And
Dead
And
Useless?

I'm scared of death sometimes.
But I'm not afraid to wish for it.

My thoughts at night are
Frightening.
I see different ways to end my life and
I actually almost did.
At least in my dreams,
Not in real life.

I hate falling and
I'm afraid of heights.

Why isn't the people I love
Willing to catch me?

Yesterday we talked for
The first time since I've
Been back and all I
Can think about is
How close we were and
How your smile lit
Up the whole room and
How your deep blue eyes
Gave off flecks of green and
Grey and how the scent of
The cologne you wear is
Still on me now.

How am I ever supposed to
Get over you when you
Do silly things like
This?

and what i realized when i said this today was that
no, its not okay, no its not fine for me to even remotely allow
you to walk all over me like i am a doormat that you can
wipe your ***** shoes all over whenever the ground around you is
wet and causing you to sink,
no my dear friend i will not allow you to treat me like
i am just another girl who can have her heartbroken so easily
i promised myself that my heart wouldn't be so shaken without difficulty
and you will not be the one who takes my heart from my strong hands and
throws it on the ground to be stepped on with your ***** shoes.
no, I'm not sorry at all for how i feel about this situation,
because i am so ******* exhausted of being treated this way and
pretending that it doesn't hurt,
no i am so tired of pretending that none of this hurts,
because my god, it surely
does.

so no, its not okay, and it sure as hell is not fine.
pack up your bags, bud.
this "doormat" isn't for you.

And if today were a song
I would sing all day long.
Are perfect days real?
Certainly, I would say.
I got all of my work done and
Turned in without crying
And I had a double lunch date
With my friends and my
Beautiful girlfriend at
My favorite sushi place.
After we had milkshakes
And went swimming.
We kissed so much that
I just kept falling in love
over and over for her again.
She rode on my back in the pool
While I made stupid jokes about
Shrek and screamed about
Those **** horseflies.
With every second that went by,
I couldn't help but to think
"Wow, today is such a wonderful day".
Honestly, I had an awful week.
Last night I started crying because
Of how stressed I really was
And the nagging feeling of failure
Was starting to become a friend to me
And I was scared that I was just going to
Tumble blindly into the oblivion that is my future.
But finally my breathing is back to normal,
And my head isn't filled with the amount of
Papers due this week or how many math corrections I have done.
It is now filled with all the love in the world
And you can it on my face again,
I am just so happy.

maybe if I wasn't so self-indulgent,
then I'd be able to see that the
world doesn't revolve around me.
maybe if I wasn't so stubborn,
then I'd be able to appreciate the
art of taking things slow and
keeping my options open
instead of always closing
myself off to the
world.
maybe if I wasn't so lazy,
then I'd be motivated to
get better and to keep going
instead of just giving up and
going back to how I used to be.
maybe if I wasn't so materialistic,
then I'd be able to appreciate what
I have right in front of me instead of
always wanting what more and more
constantly.

you always bring me up,
you make me soar.
you always throw me down,
you make me sore.
either way i put it,
it sounds the same.
but to you i'm just a girl,
i'm just another game.
you play me just like basketball,
from the left and to the right.
you think that i'll go down,
that i won't even fight.
i know i may look weak,
but i assure you i am strong.
even though i love you,
i am right and you are wrong.

you promised you were going to
come, but i guess its just my fault.
i put all my trust inside and i never
seem to be able to get out.
im tired of people letting me down,
whats it worth? nothing.
i cant trust anybody without getting
hurt and you know what?
its all my fault.

i let you little ******* in,
hoping that maybe you'll be
the change in my life.
but, only i can be that,
i'm so done trusting
anybody and everybody.

The world needs
a man like
The Doctor.
Doctor Who,
Or
∂³∑x²
(His real name)
I just wish
I had him
So
He could help me when I
Needed him.

And to you, I deserve nothing.
Why must my past mistakes dictate whether or not I deserve happiness?
I have grown exponentially...
I am inches, feet, and yards taller than the person I once was.
You are only able to see through the camera lens you lug around
and it's hurting your vision, oh how it's ruining your perception of all the good around you.
I am sorry for how I hurt you, and I'll carry around the weight of my mistakes forever.
But as long as I have God by my side, I know I am forgiven, and I know that I am worthy.
Do what you please, but please don't bring me down with you.

i'd take you as medication, but knowing me, i'd probably overdose on you ever so easily

it's a number.
it's a date.
it's a girl.

enchanting.
wonderfully made,
exquisite.

salmon and sushi,
root beer floats,
touched by an angel.

it's 2 in the morning.
phone calls with
laughter.

it's eyes that follow.
lips that caress.
tears that
stream.

maybe love.
we're lucky,
aren't we?

something says
goodbye.
it isn't
me.

Stop telling me I'm gorgeous,
I'm nothing.
Stop telling me im pretty,
I'm fat.
It's unhealthy,
My weight,
My feelings are slowly
Deminishing...

I'm falling to deep
I would cry for help
But
Nobody would hear me anyways.

I cry over you and
the times I miss.
like the time you wanted me to
belt out Adele or the time you
let me not take a test because
of everything i was going through
or like the time i told you
how cute your socks were and
you put your foot on the desk and
showed me the hole you have
in it.
i miss when youd keep me
after class to ask me how i was
doing or how our fingertips would
brush and youd look me in the
eyes like you knew you felt
it too.
i miss how you made me feel
and how you knew i was afraid of
falling--not just physically but
figuratively too.
i miss when you put your hand on my
back when you brought me to the couselor
or when you wiped my tears away or
when you called me beautiful or
when you said how proud
you were of me.
i miss how youd tell me how
my future was bright or how
youd smile at anything id say or
look me straight in my eyes and
your eyes would
sparkle.
god, i just miss you so much.
why are you acting this way?

i miss you.
i miss those late night texts asking if i was awake.
i miss hearing you play the piano.
i miss the way your hand felt in mine.
i miss you.

i miss the way you joked around with me.
i miss how we always got so close, and i always pulled away.
i regret doing that because now i realize
how much i miss you.

i miss you
and all that you do
and all that you are
and what you will be.

i miss the videos you'd send me
or the thoughts we'd share,
or the stories we'd tell
in times of despair.

i miss the sound of your voice
on a hot sunday night
through the phones speakers
everything felt just so right.

i miss you
and all that you are
and all that i am
regrets leaving you so far.

You know you're in
Love when you
can't call anybody
else "luv" or use the
red heart emoji
on anybody else
but her.

I've really wanted to
Cut
At least a dozen times today
But then I remember the reasons why I shouldn't and
Everything seems to be okay.

I hate having to
Sneak those glances.
  But I guess I'll have to
Live like this forever.

Sneaky glances and
     Unspoken feelings.

                                      Oh and            Just so you know,
                            You look really
                      handsome
                 From a
       Sideways view, dear.

she is something more than necessary
a limb? a lung? an extra ounce of blood
pumping through every part of me
aching and wanting more and more
of something that i ever so need.
her touch is enough to ignite a flame
and her kiss is enough to make what
was little left of me bloom.
she lifts up my spirit and
makes me fly higher than anything
in the known universe.
everything about her is beautiful
her fingertips and the way she walks
and her delicacy and the way she
wants me as well.

she is beauty and even
her touch is enough
to ignite my soul
again.

lets be a star;
lets fuse like
hydrogen and
make helium,
lets become dense
and be something
beautiful.

but we shouldn't
become to dense,
we might blow up
if we do.


and that wouldn't be okay,
now would it?

I joined a website that
promotes Pro-Ana
and now I
can't get
off.

I wanted to share your
Venom tonight.
Your hot,
Wet
Breath that
Tastes like whiskey and
Cigarettes.

I wanted to and
We almost did.

I'm still wearing our
Ring.
Not really, because I don't have it but
In my head I do.
I constantly play with my finger,
Thinking of you as it
Hypothetically
Twists and turns and
Doesn't leave my finger green after awhile
Because I paid extra to make sure
It was real silver
So that on
your finger it
wouldn't do the same.

I wish I wouldn't have paid it though
Cause now when you take it off
You won't think of me because
That little green mark where your
Ring is supposed to be
Won't be there to remind you that
I love you.

i have not seen you today-
nor yesterday-
nor the day before that-
and so on.
i have not seen you in several days and
yet i can not stop thinking about your voice.
i hear you in books
and the way the rain falls on my lips
and with every step i take through a puddle--
i hear your muddled voice praying through the hot summer
for me to stay alive just one more day.

you did not know wether i would stay or if i would go.
but, if i were to tell you that i only stayed for you,
would you have loved me back in time?

maybe all of those prayers were wishes
and those wishes were thoughts
and those thoughts were nothing.

I am constantly in love with you.
Doubting our love would be like
convincing everyone that has ever lived
that the Earth is Flat, when you can
clearly see the sea meet the sky.
I constantly can hear you.
Your heartbeat is the music to my soul.
If I could record it, I would.
I need your beating heart to keep mine
in the same state as well.
I constantly think about you.
I think about everything around me.
My mind is always taking in new information
And throwing out what is unnecessary.
But, ever since you have come along...
I can't get my mind off of you.
From the way you speak,
The way you think about me,
The way you love music,
And the way your body curves,
And the small bumps and crevices
On your skin... I just can't stop thinking
About YOU.

And oh how I love you.
6 months is simply not enough, but
I sure have been blessed with the 6
Best months of my life.

Dear God, my daily prayer includes
The most beautiful young woman that you
Have blessed me to be with.
I would like to pray for more days... Wait...
Hopefully the rest of my years with her.
I simply cannot seem to think of any other way
To spend the rest of my days: Loving you and loving her.

It would seem the only way to live.
The best way to live.

I love you my sweet girl.
Happy six months, my darling.

She cuts for the
times she can't ever
replace.
She cuts for the
love he'll never
return.
She cuts to know
what it's like to be
alive.
She cuts in places
where nobody will
know.

dont tell anyone
but i broke my promise
its been a few weeks now
but i remember that sunday night
i gave in to the voices.
the voices weren't even in my head anymore
nor were they my own.
sadly, they were my parents and my sisters
telling me that i am not gay and that
maybe if i get a nice boyfriend then
i could be normal.
i cut deeper then ever before,
relapse at its finest.
and i couldn't even help but
smile as blood trickled down my arm.
i am sorry, i really am. i went almost three whole months.
and then i lost it, i needed the blood,
i needed the feeling, i needed the pain.

i'll try harder... but i dont think i can keep anymore promises.

i can still smell your cologne and taste the sweat on your lips from that day in the sun with the wind pushing us together; so close we were once upon a time, i wonder if i was supposed to learn from your lies or if i'll keep on smelling your scent everywhere i go.

still trying to find my
voice
even when im
drowing in a
never ending sea of
them.

I stand here at
The stove
I'm making your dinner but
All I can think about is
The loud whisper of death
Howling in my ears.
It's drumming through my brain
And
Screaming at my soul
die, just die already
I sigh
Knowing that it's right.

Why don't I just die already?

scared because i
know the
truth.

he was silly
completely adorable
weird
shy
nerdy
sweet
i kissed his cheek
we swam together
and he let me ride on his back in the pool
and he looked at me with such kindness
that i know if i kept looking,
i might just see something that
wasn't there before.

i like him
i like the way he smiles...
sort of crooked, but still adorable.
and i like the way he talks about cars.
i also like the way he listens to me when
i talk about the universe, because
i could go on forever about it.
but, i think you can see that
i just like him.

I never thought about how much I
Hate myself.
It's practically to a point where I
Can't deal with myself
Anymore.
I hate my
Body,
It's the outside shell that
Gets judged
By them.
I hate my
Personality,
Sometimes it's not
Enough
Or it's too much.
I hate my
Height,
I'm always too
Short
And my lovers are too tall.
And last but not least,
I hate the
Way I care about you.

Caring for you is so hard,
You act like you care about me.
You cuddle with me,
And when our feet touch it's
electric
And we
Play with each others hair,
Which is fun too.
I always get so close to kissing you
And yet
You turn away.
I know it's not your thing and
To be honest
It's not mine either.
But,
For some reason,
I'd kiss you
All day,
Everyday.

if I were to kiss you,
would you pull away?
if I were to touch you,
would you do the same?
if I were to love you,
would you love me back?

no amount of poetry could
even amount to the feelings I
have for you.