It has been four years.
I'm almost done with high school.
I miss us. I miss the things we did.
I haven't been back to that place in a couple weeks.
But I do remember the first text and call,
I remember you telling me about your girlfriend.
I remember when you broke up with her inexplicably.
I remember the pet names you called me and how much I liked them. I remember a bus ride to a festival where you were trying to take my phone and I wouldn't let go of it so you bit my arm.
You left marks all over my arm and I was turned on by it.
I remember when I was driving around with my grandpa in the golf cart while he golfed and how we stayed on the phone while I drove for hours.
I remember you singing Lana Del Rey, I remember those hours.
I remember the week you were single before you started dating the next girl.
I remember that week was the beginning of my sexuality and the end of my innocence.
I remember you telling me you liked to be called daddy.
I remember my overuse of that word.
But we still hadn't touched.
I remember your new girlfriend hating me
and there was a three month period where we couldn't be friends
because she said so
I remember when you told me she was forever and you loved her
I remember when I found out you had broken up with her the summer between freshman year and sophomore year.
I remember I was at the beach when you texted and asked if we could be friends again.
I remember going to band camp with you and being so happy we were friends again
I remember that band camp was when you went through my kik messages and saw all my videos.
I remember how embarrassed I was but also excited because you had seen them.
I remember you coming over to my house and making friends with my family.
It breaks my heart when they ask about you. You called my mom Mrs.Pillon all the time. I loved it.
I miss hearing you say Mrs. Pillon.
I remember being flirty again only to meet your next girlfriend.
I first crossed paths with her when you were on the phone with her and I moaned to embarrass you.
I remember being there on your first date with her at the utility field and her curving you.
I remember us sexting when you were with her and I remember sending you videos.
I don't remember how it started.
I remember how we only talked about it the day after maybe once.
I remember you saying we were like bother and sister and then said nevermind "siblings don't ******* to each other"
I remember that one time we went to el rey just us two.
I remember you saying it was not a date.
I remember your stupid face and how embarrassed I was to like you
I remember the hours we spent together for band.
I remember all the events we went to together.
I remember sitting with you after all our competitions sophomore year.
I remember you would smack my leg and leave hand prints on me.
I remember how young we were and immature
I remember how often you took my phone and went through it.
I remember when you brought me to your apartment by the school but only ever let me inside if someone else was with us.
I remember meeting your younger brothers and how sweet they were.
I remember the second time I ever smoked **** I left the party I was at and walked to the school to give you a jacket I had bought you so you could go to the school dance with your girlfriend.
I remember being so in love with you and taking all your *******.
I remember being at Amanda’s party with you and when the basketball went over the fence.
I remember you going over to get it and getting stuck.
I remember everyone else left and I had to help you get back over.
I remember the way you said “please don’t leave me over here.”
I remember being in chemistry with you and your girlfriend and how she didn’t like me.
I remember when I got a message late at night from you saying all the right things and letting you cheat on her.
I remember the message I got from her saying she knew all about what we had been doing and our fight.
I remember I couldn’t call you and I told her everything.
I remember being in Hawaii when she called me names on twitter
and I remember when you broke up with her then got back together then broke up again.
I remember your calls apologizing and how you said we couldn’t be friends. Again.
I remember every moment of that time, being in that class with both of you watching you fix it with her.
I remember how controlling she was even before you cheated.
She was manipulative and told you you weren't a man for crying.
I remember not feeling bad for what we did with each other because of how ****** up she was.
I remember when you blocked me and never unblocked me.
I remember wanting closure and messaging you on the 4th of July going into junior year.
I remember drinking and eating an edible that night.
I remember how out of my mind I was
I remember you telling me I was nothing to you and I try not to remember everything else you said.
I remember seeing you and her together junior year and wanting to die.
I remember how angry I was that year.
I remember being so ******* mad at you and her and myself.
I remember when you finally truly left her.
I remember having that forensics class with you and how awkward it was.
I remember when you were sitting in the hallway outside and I had to pass by to get to class.
I remember you stopping me and apologizing.
I remember the whole conversation. I can’t forget it.
"Oh my you probably think I'm a ****" "yes I do" "sit down" and I slid down the wall halfway. "sit all the way down" and you said you broke up with her.
I remember the conversation went on and then ended with me going back into class and saying you owed me money.
I remember the way you laughed at that. I can't forget your smile.
I remember that class was so fun and made my day, everyday.
I remember the joking around that happened after that.
I remember everyone noticed our flirting and I felt so happy again.
I remember talking to you again and being so glad. I remember you coming up to my desk in that class.
I remember after school talking with you and how you said my name.
I can never forget the way you said my name.
I remember using google hangouts to talk in class and all the lyrics you sent me
I remember you were so jealous of Anthony and talking **** on him because he flirted with me
I remember everyone thinking we were together or liked eachother.
I remember finding myself in you even if it ended eventually.
I remember going to my first house party with you.
I remember getting high with you and the way you talked to my mom in the car.
I remember how fun those parties were and how safe I felt with you.
I remember being with your friends and feeling really cool.
I remember in June 2017 we went to a house party and smoked.
I remember how my mom picked us up that night and we dropped your friend off.
I remember you stayed sitting next to me in the backseat that night and us talking about college but that's all i remember about the conversation that night.
I remember we were talking and we were sitting so close, I still feel your leg against mine.
I remember I was looking at you and you were looking at me.
I can't remember what we were saying when I noticed your face was close to mine.
I remember things slowed down and I was just looking into your eyes.
But I remember looking into your eyes and both of us leaning in.
I remember forgetting anyone else was in the car.
I remember everything falling away when we were that close.
Just a second I remember looking at your lips and seeing your eyes and being so in love with you and we almost kissed.
Then we pulled up to your house and you had to go, I remember saying goodbye.
I remember we almost kissed
I remember the next day you claimed that never happened and got mad at me for even thinking you would ever kiss me.
I remember every time you broke my heart.
I remember when I went to a lake over the summer going into senior year and I told you I was on birth control
I remember I tried convincing you to **** me.
I remember you agreeing to me giving you head.
And I remember you taking it back in the morning.
I remember you saying you needed to get clean and stay away from girls.
I remember believing you.
I remember finding out you got a girlfriend soon after saying that.
A freshman. I remember how mad that made me.
I remember being so hurt and I cursed you out.
I remember you doing drugs soon after that.
I remember your nasty habit of smoking cigarettes.
I remember us drifting apart after that.
I remember when I called you and asked why you didn't want me, you said I wasn't your type.
I remember how calm you made me.
I remember how happy I was near you and how sad I am now.
I remember a few weeks ago when you called me and asked for my friends number. To **** me off, I thought it was funny.
I remember a few days ago when I saw you in the hall and how it all came rushing back. I remembered how much I missed you.
I remember yesterday when I saw you again and fell right back to missing you.
I remember texting you and asking if we could start over and I remember you saying you didn't want problems and you're doing fine without me
I remember how that made me feel.
I remember you and I wish I didn't.
I remember how we never got our moment and I wonder all the time how you really felt. I wonder all the time.
Just some memories
I haven't thought about you in
Longest since we met
You just haven't crossed my mind
It's weird though.
I saw you today and I missed you again
And it was almost foreign, missing you
I wonder when I'll finally move on
When She made him feel small
Tore him down and sliced pieces of him
He would come to me and I would build him up
I would be my best self and make him feel big
When she would belittle him I was there to nourish his ego
I didn't notice it when it happened
I just thought there was something between us
But he just felt small
And I was stupid and I let him use me
Maybe it was the right thing to do
Build him up
But I didn't notice until it was too late that
I was small now
I was smaller than he ever was.
He had taken all of me.
I poured everything into him and
Maybe one day someone can build me back up.
Or I could learn from his mistake, and build myself up.
No matter how long it takes.
This was the biggest realization for me. I really hope people read this and don't let this happen to them.
Moments of it. Just a few moments.
Just a memory.
Seems like a dream now. I wonder if it even happened.
Once it was so real and in my hands.
Now it seems so far away.
Just a second on the bus I remember how warm your hands were.
I remember how you never hugged me.
How you teased me and challenged me.
I can't forget how you leaned towards me that night. Just looking at eachother, saying something I can't remember because you were so close to me.
I can't forget how you leaned in and I should have kissed you.
I remember it. And now it comes back every once in a while.
Brushes against my consciousness.
I know one day I won't be able to remember you leaning into me but for right now it hurts.
You didn't want to kiss me. I still have pain.
Just a memory
Pull the air from my lungs.
So I can't speak
Cut my throat so I'm quiet.
Kiss me so I don't say anything.
Silence me, suffocate me.
Drain my heart.
Please stop me from saying I love you.
Because it would ruin.
I love you.
I hate this feeling.
Like I'm trying too hard and bothering him.
Like I'm creepy and I need to go away.
I hate this pain in my chest.
It's like he's left me everyday since we met.
Sometimes the hate gets to my throat and my eyes
Sometimes the hate spills out.
It feels like he has hated me since the first moment we spoke.
fear of adulthood and the fear of being alone.
Or of being hated.
I've never had anybody so when you started talking to me I took it seriously and clung to you.
Then when you changed your mind and said you hated me, I learned to hate myself
I took your disinterest in me as a sign.
then when we messed around I took it as my life was starting and I could finally have fun.
Only to find out you were using me. And the hate reached a new threshold.
Only when I took you back as a friend only to have you date another girl did I hate myself the most.
Only then did I clench my throat in class to stop myself from crying.
Only then did I wish I could slit my throat and bleed to death.
Only then did I love you the most and feel the worst about myself.
Because you loved her after a month of knowing her and all you've done is hate me all this time. Because she gets the best parts of you and I get blocked, and hated.
Hate spills onto my cheeks and onto the floor.
Hate clouds my eyes and comes out through my pores.
Hate fills my lungs and my heart instead of you anymore.