Finally 18.
I'm horrified.

I haven't thought about you in
A week
Longest since we met
You just haven't crossed my mind
It's weird though.
I saw you today and I missed you again
And it was almost foreign, missing you
I wonder when I'll finally move on

When She made him feel small
Tore him down and sliced pieces of him
He would come to me and I would build him up
I would be my best self and make him feel big
When she would belittle him I was there to nourish his ego
I didn't notice it when it happened
I just thought there was something between us
But he just felt small
And I was stupid and I let him use me
Maybe it was the right thing to do
Build him up
But I didn't notice until it was too late that
I was small now
I was smaller than he ever was.
He had taken all of me.
I poured everything into him and
Left myself
Hallow.
Maybe one day someone can build me back up.
Or I could learn from his mistake, and build myself up.
No matter how long it takes.

Moments of it. Just a few moments.
Just a memory.
Seems like a dream now. I wonder if it even happened.
Once it was so real and in my hands.
Now it seems so far away.
Just a second on the bus I remember how warm your hands were.
I remember how you never hugged me.
How you teased me and challenged me.
I can't forget how you leaned towards me that night. Just looking at eachother, saying something I can't remember because you were so close to me.
I can't forget how you leaned in and I should have kissed you.
I remember it. And now it comes back every once in a while.
Brushes against my consciousness.
I know one day I won't be able to remember you leaning into me but for right now it hurts.
You didn't want to kiss me. I still have pain.
Just a memory

Pull the air from my lungs.
So I can't speak
Cut my throat so I'm quiet.
Kiss me so I don't say anything.
Silence me, suffocate me.
Drain my heart.
Please stop me from saying I love you.
Because it would ruin.
Everything.
I love you.

I hate this feeling.
Like I'm trying too hard and bothering him.
Like I'm creepy and I need to go away.
I hate this pain in my chest.
It's like he's left me everyday since we met.
Sometimes the hate gets to my throat and my eyes
Sometimes the hate spills out.
It feels like he has hated me since the first moment we spoke.
fear of adulthood and the fear of being alone.
Or of being hated.
I've never had anybody so when you started talking to me I took it seriously and clung to you.
Then when you changed your mind and said you hated me, I learned to hate myself
I took your disinterest in me as a sign.
then when we messed around I took it as my life was starting and I could finally have fun.
Only to find out you were using me. And the hate reached a new threshold.
Only when I took you back as a friend only to have you date another girl did I hate myself the most.
Only then did I clench my throat in class to stop myself from crying.
Only then did I wish I could slit my throat and bleed to death.
Only then did I love you the most and feel the worst about myself.
Because you loved her after a month of knowing her and all you've done is hate me all this time. Because she gets the best parts of you and I get blocked, and hated.
Hate spills onto my cheeks and onto the floor.
Hate clouds my eyes and comes out through my pores.
Hate fills my lungs and my heart instead of you anymore.

And now I don't have anybody. I wish I could replace him just have someone to take up the space. Because there's this huge space in my life that was so full when we were together. That's why I let him go on for so long he just made me feel so great about myself and my future and I was excited when I was with him and it was real and now I just have nothing. He just moves on with the next girlfriend and I'm just empty again