i'll never think of you as 'the one that got away'.
i stayed.
i stood by your side.
you're the one that let go of my hand.

‪uh oh
i'm hearing voices again ‬
‪uh oh
it's getting bad again ‬
‪she won't leave me alone ‬
‪constant chattering in my ear ‬
‪she won't let it go ‬
‪there's too much of me already ‬
‪it shouldn't be this way ‬
‪good girls stay quiet and out of sight ‬
‪the best girls cease to exist at all ‬
‪don't worry though i'm on my way out
almost there
i'm so close i could TASTE IT  ‬
‪(that is ‪if i remembered how to)

sometimes it's hard
just to pick up a fork.
i find myself too weak, arms too limp.
excuses
upon
excuses
piled like a house of cards,
one breeze and i’ll blow away with it.
you won’t be able to catch me,
to stop me,
i can’t even do that myself.

my heart is heavy,
stomach empty,
i still struggle to eat daily but i’m trying.
i do it just to spite those voices in my head  
when i should be doing it for me, but
it’s hard to block them out  
when they sound a lot like my mother.

sometimes it’s hard
just being alive,
hard to get out of bed when
the weight of the world is pressing down on you.
hard not wanting to die
when the sweet release of these demons is all you find yourself
thinking about,
dreaming about anymore.
dreams of floating through the sky
like the clouds passing;
i’m jealous of the way they hang there, gracefully.
i want to be just like them but
i can’t trust myself not to
fall
back
down
to earth.
i’ve done it too many times before.

i’ve got to remind myself that
recovery takes time.
i’ll never unlearn the calories in a raspberry
but at least now i can drink a glass of orange juice
without shedding a single tear.
sure it’s laced with *****
but don’t worry. it’s not a problem
it’s a coping method,
one you might not approve of but one that works, see
over time the scars on my arms have faded.
heart less heavy,
stomach still empty.
well, not completely empty.
but that’s progress right?

we lie here on the grass;
our bodies in blankets
our lives in a shambles,
staring up at the sky.
the stars, so beautiful,
but nothing compares to the twinkle in your eyes.

I am wilting from the pressure 
it's been so long since I felt pleasure 

I'm trying to find the positive 
to feel the sunshine on my skin
but the storm clouds they won't leave me 
there's too much darkness deep within

I never saw myself as a flower 
but I can still feel myself wilting 
(so it must be true)

i don’t count aloud anymore.
i can't stand to hear your name,
such a common word.
it doesn't matter the context-
i still go quiet every time.

i used to pick up pennies, called them lucky.
i remember picking up a few
on our way back to your place.
nowadays i don't give them a second glance.
it's not their worth i've forgotten.

they say one is the loneliest number.
is that why you did it?
because you felt you’d earned it
after all this time being by yourself--
that you deserved it?
what about me,
did i?

i remember exactly what i wore that day:
short shorts, a big baggy t shirt.
i haven't worn those shoes since (and i so loved them).
they were these expensive purple velvet platforms;
i'd actually had to beg my mother to buy them for me.
"you better wear them", she warned.
that day i went home with you was
the first time i'd ever worn those shoes.
and the last.
sorry mom.