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bartleby Oct 2021
She's back at it again. The amount of her friends' impatience towards her psychotic thoughts can never be equated to her very own exhaustion of her entire being. She, for the nth time, wants to leave the world.

She slams the door real hard as she walks out the room, which she shares with her three roommates. She's out of the room as she's out of her mind. She seeks for a space where she can fit herself. The innocent fire exit has no choice but to accept again, the traitor tears, the unending complaints, and even the stomping on the floor and the punching on the wall. From her view on the 12th floor, the busy streets of G. Tolentino and Laong Laan distract her.

"I can't even understand myself, how am I supposed to comprehend this blur?" she's now even fighting with her alter-ego. Everything is a mess. Everything is blurred. She hates herself for being four-eyed. She has no choice but to go back to the room just to get her glasses with 200-175 grade. Now, everything is clear. Not as clear as her life is going, though, but, at least, she can now clearly see the chaos that is the city of Manila.

Her eyes walk through G. Tolentino and the bittersweet memories of the off-campus practicum come rushing through her mind. She would ride the jeepney from G. Tolentino-Laong Laan all the way to Casañas-Dapitan. From there, she would walk three blocks before she could reach the public school where she would teach ninth and tenth graders. She was glad because of the warm welcome of the students, and at the same time, mad, because of the horror of the reality in the public school — the politics among the faculty. She shrugged it off and just continued with what she was supposed to do.

After each shift, she would walk four blocks to reach the one-way street where she could ride the jeepney back to her area. She would alight at Delos Reyes Street so she could rest for a while in her unit. In-campus practicum's at 12:30 P.M. anyway, she thought.

And now she's back at the fire exit at the 12th floor. The rays of the sun almost blind her. She blames herself for abusing her eyes way back in her childhood years. Now, she can't enjoy the wonders of life without her nerdy glasses. She unconsciously moves her left foot away from the shade of the sun because of the trauma from last year. Two painful experiences race through her mind, as if it's a contest on which should be recalled first. Of course, the more painful wins — getting kicked out of an all-ladies dormitory, together with her girlfriend, because of their, obviously, ****** preferences. It still haunts her until now. The 2nd runner-up, on the other hand, is the less painful, and therefore, the consequence of the first painful experience — having to find another dormitory during broad daylight, because of course, nighttime in Manila is utterly dangerous.

Starting from Dos Castillas, they seemed like two meerkats digging a tunnel, finding for a place to live. Apparently, posting on Dorm Hunters in Facebook was not as good as literally going through the fires of all big streets combined — España, Lacson, Dapitan, and P. Noval. She was supposed to prepare for practicum, while her girlfriend was supposed to prepare for thesis, yet there they were, harrowing Manila because it seemed like a big head with strands of hair full of lice. After almost a week of searching for a place, they had finally settled to a totally different one from their previous dormitory.

And now she's back at the fire exit at the 12th floor. She hopes her roommates aren't there, but they are, so she has no choice but to calm down. Boy, was it difficult to calm down! She stares at the sun as it sets, until it is finally out of sight. A tiny object catches her attention —it is an airplane. An airplane which brings her yet again to another memory, and at the same time, encourages her on her dream to travel the world.

It was once again a competition on which should be set forth. Again, the more powerful wins — the memory of someone leaving. Way back in her childhood years, whenever she would see an airplane, she would envision them riding that airplane, and finally going back home. She grew up tired waiting. They eventually came home, but she didn't care anymore whether she would stay or she would leave again. News flash! She left again. And again. And again. Now it doesn't matter to her anymore whether they come home or not. She still loved them either way. She just stopped wondering, asking, questioning, and all the other synonyms of asking why.

The pain of that memory is so strong, she is excited to overcome it immediately with her dream of traveling the world. An imaginary globe appears right in front of her face. Several people of different races talk to her. Oh boy, was she excited! Oh yes, she is! She can't stop giggling from the thought of her travelling and speaking different languages.

With all these memories, she calms down and finally goes back to the room, where her roommates already fell asleep. The sultry from outside of the room gets forgotten because of the air conditioner, which calms her more. She goes up to her bed on the double deck and listens to worship songs to calm herself even more. She falls asleep so easily but her sleep gets interrupted right away. It's 7 'o clock in the evening and her roommates invite her to dinner. They decide to eat at McDonald's in P. Noval. She's still lost from the 'traveling' she did that afternoon. She's still not on her mind the entire dinner, until they return to their room.

She goes out of the room again, but not to stay at the fire exit, but to actually get some fresh air. Unfortunately, there is no fresh air in Manila. She notices how dangerous the streets in Manila are during nighttime. Although it is dangerous as well in daytime, the only difference is there is a sun. Different kinds of poor people are all over the streets of Manila and it haunts the hell out of her. It brings back the horrors and traumas from her past—being prone to accidents and misfortunes. She goes back to the fire exit and indulges herself to another reflection.

She went out to get some fresh air, but she only got her wounds fresh yet again.

She looks again at the view from the 12th floor and realizes how the streets around the campus of her university have been haunting her. She tries to overcome her fears with the good memories. This time, she wins. She, then, releases her emotions by writing everything. In this way, she thinks, she will be able to let go of everything. As soon as she finishes the last part, she runs out of words and decides to end everything —just like that.
written back in May 2016 for a school requirement. i know this is not a poem, but i have nowhere else to share this to.
bartleby Oct 2018
We had driven each other crazy
We had hurt each other so badly
We just were not the right ones for each other
The old versions of ourselves deserved better
We needed time to heal
We needed time to grow

All we could feel is pain
We were full of regrets, of hatred, and of questions
Today, I can say
The horrors of the past are finally free
Now that we’ve found the missing pieces of our puzzles,
The past can rest

The better versions of ourselves are now with the right ones,
With the ones whom we can love better than we ever did before
With the ones whose patience, understanding, love, and everything in between, are more long-lasting than ours before

All I can feel is happiness and gratefulness
Thank you for all the memories we had shared
They might not be the best ones
But I have learned and grown a lot
I am still deeply sorry for all the pain I had caused you

But dear,
Everything worked out just fine
And that's what matters
rhymes are not really meant for me. i tried. and failed miserably. but i don't care.
bartleby May 2018
Woke up, yet again
At this ungodly hour

Unhappy thoughts lingering at the back of my mind
Unhappy memories still haunting my heart
Unhappy horrors bothering my soul

All of these redirect me to you
You, whom life has offered to me
You, whom He has given me
You, who made everything worth it- the pain, the faults, the sorrows
You, the one whom I love dearly

You, who wipes away my tears and my fears
You, who makes me happy

You were not the escape
You are my sanctuary

I love you, despite this messed up piece
I love you, because of who you are
I love you, even with the chaos that is myself
bartleby May 2018
Sabi mo, walang magbabago
Pero ngayon, halos hindi na kita makilala
Hindi mo lang ako basta isinabay sa iba
Ipinagpalit mo pa ako
Hanggang sa tuluyan mo na akong kinalimutan

Sabi mo, walang magbabago
Pero ngayon, ibang-iba ka na
Minsan, tinatanong ko ang sarili ko
Katulad ng pagtanong ni Liza Soberano kay Enrique Gil
“Pangit ba ako?”
“Kapalit-palit ba ako?”
“Am I not enough?”

Dati, halos walang makapaghiwalay sa ating dalawa
Ang sabi mo pa, “Ikaw lang at wala nang iba pa”
Ako mismo ang naging kaagapay mo sa pagkilala mo sa kanila
Pero bakit ako mismo ngayon ang nawalan ng halaga?
Bakit ako mismo ngayon ang hindi mo na binibigyang pansin?
Nagpaka-layo-layo ka’t ibinaon ako sa limot
Ibinaon mo ako sa kahapon
Kung saan kasama ko ang mga iba mo pang itinapon

Pero tama na
Tama na ang pagiging Liza Soberano
Hindi na kita kukulitin at magtatanong ng isang milyong bakit
Hindi rin ako magiging si Piolo Pascual
Na hihingi ng explanation at acceptable reason
At lalong hindi rin ako magiging si Bea Alonzo
Na hihilingin na “sana ako na lang ulit”

Dahil tanggap ko na
Hindi ko na hihingin pang ako lang ang piliin mo
Magpaparaya ako’t papayag na isabay mo sa iba
Isa lang ang hihilingin ko
Na sana ‘wag mo akong tuluyang kalimutan
Na sana ‘wag mo hayaang tuluyan akong mawala sa buhay mo
Dahil gaano man kahabang panahon ang lumipas
At gaano man karami ang nagbago sa pagitan nating dalawa

Ako pa rin ang tunay na laging andito para sa’yo
Ako pa rin ang Wikang Filipino na kahit nagbago man, ay nandito pa rin at nananatili para sa’yo
A poem about the Filipino Language written for my students to perform on our celebration of Buwan Ng Wika, year 2017
bartleby May 2018
Pero paano kapag si teacher naman ang nangailangan ng tulong?
Paano kapag si teacher naman ang nahirapan?
Paano kapag hindi na rin maintindihan ni teacher ang mga pangyayari?
Paano kapag si teacher mismo napagod na?
Paano kapag ubos na ang pasensya ni teacher?
Sinong iintindi sa kanya?
Mauunawaan ba siya ng mga musmos na nangangapa pa lang sa buhay?
Paano kung si teacher mismo naliligaw?
Kaya bang sagipin ni teacher ang sarili niya?
Kakayanin niya ba?
Kaya niya pa ba talaga?
Kaya niya ba talaga?
bartleby Apr 2017
Naaalala mo pa ba nung huli kang naging masaya?
Yung totoong masaya
Maayos yung buhay mo
Maayos lahat
Masaya ka
Aminin mo, naging masaya ka talaga

Alam mo yun?
Yung pagod ka pero masaya
Pero ngayon?
Pagod ka na lang
Pagod kahit walang ginagawa
Pagod kakaisip

Ano kayang nangyari kung nag-isip ka nang mabuti?
Nag-isip ka nga ba talaga?
E wala, puso na naman

Tatlong beses mo sinunod puso mo
Kasi doon ka masaya?

Tatlong beses mo sinunod puso mo
Oo naging masaya ka
Pero ano nangyari sa huli
Diba’t nasaktan ka lang?

Tatlong beses mo sinunod puso mo
Sinundan ka ba ng kasiyahang hinahanap mo?
Ano nangyari?
Hinabol ka ng mga kagaguhan mo

Ngayon, mag-isa ka na lang
Mag-isa ka na ulit
Mag-isa ka na naman
Takot ka na naman
Kaninong kasalanan?
Diba sa'yo?
Pero diba 'yan naman ang gusto mo?
Ang mapag-isa?
Ang maging duwag sa putanginang pag-ibig?
Ang sarilihin lahat ng problema mo dahil ayaw **** may ibang madamay?

Pero hanggang kailan ka magpapalamon sa takot mo?
Hanggang kailan mo sasaktan ang sarili mo?
Kailan ka ulit magiging masaya dahil sa tamang dahilan?

bartleby Aug 2016
Sa lahat ng mga bagay na nawala
Sa mga oras na nasayang
Sa mga tawanan at kwentuhang hindi na mauulit
Sa mga luhang hindi alam kung kailan titigil
Sa mga pagkakataong pinalipas

Totoo nga
Hindi sapat ang pagmamahal
Kailangang paghirapan at pagtrabahuan
Pero paano mo nga ba masasabi na mahal mo talaga ang isang tao?
Kung puro sakit na lang ang nararanasan

Hindi sapat ang pagmamahal
Sa dinami-dami ng dahilan para umalis ka sa isang relasyon, bakit ka nga ba nananatili?
Dahil sa pagmamahal na pinanghahawakan mo?
Pero paano kung yung ka-isa isang dahilan kung bakit ka nananatili ay nararamdaman mo nang unti-unting nawawala?
'Wag mo nang pahirapan ang sarili mo at ang minamahal mo o nagmamahal sa'yo
'Wag **** hintayin dumating sa punto na wala nang matira sa inyo pareho
Hindi tama ang "ibigay mo ang lahat"
Tandaan mo na bago ka magmahal ng ibang tao, kailangang buo ang sarili mo

Sa isang relasyon, dalawang tao ang dapat na nagtutulungan
Hindi isa lang
Hindi isa lang ang masaya
Hindi isa lang ang umiintindi
Hindi sapat na "gagawin ko 'to para mapasaya siya"

Siguro nga, mahirap talagang magmahal
Pero ganun naman talaga diba?
Pag para sa taong mahal mo, lahat kakayanin mo
Pero sapat nga ba yun?
Dahil paano ka magmamahal kung ikaw mismo ubos na?
Paano ka magbibigay kung ikaw mismo wala na?

Hindi ka nagmamahal para buuin ang isang taong wasak
Hindi ka nagmamahal para baguhin ang isang tao
Hindi ka nagmamahal para may maipagyabang ka sa mga kaibigan mo
Hindi ka nagmamahal para waldasin ang pera ng magulang mo

Nagmamahal ka para sa ikabubuti ng pagkatao mo at ng minamahal mo
Nagmamahal ka para malaman mo kung bakit ka talaga nandito sa mundong 'to
Nagmamahal ka para maging masaya, hindi para maging miserable
Dahil kung gusto mo lang din naman maging problemado, maraming problema ang Pilipinas na pwede **** atupagin

Kung nagmamahal ka na lang para masaktan at makasakit, hindi na yan pagmamahal
Ang pagmamahal ay hindi katumbas ng pagpapakatanga
Oo, may mga bagay na magagawa mo lang dahil sa pag-ibig
Pero kung magpapaka-tanga ka na rin lang, hindi mo ba mas gugustuhin na matuto at malaman ang mga mas importanteng bagay sa mundo?

Totoo nga, there's more to life than love
Hindi mo kailangan madaliin ang pag-ibig dahil marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay mo
Marami ka pang makikilala
'Wag **** paikutin ang mundo mo sa isang tao na walang kasiguraduhan na magtatagal sa buhay mo

Bakit hindi mo muna buuin ang sarili mo hanggang sa dumating ang taong magmamahal sa'yo na kapantay ng pagmamahal na kaya **** ibigay?
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