From the day I met you
I knew you had something in you
That would make me smile
Without you doing anything

I never thought I would think about you this way
That I would care for you
That I would cry for you
That I would fall for you
That I would actually write about you
That I would dream about you and me

I fell hard
It made me both happy and sad
It hurt a lot, of course
You were there to catch me, but not to keep me

I couldn't complain
I couldn't demand anything from you
I couldn't ask for anything more than friendship
And it's alright, because that's where we could last longer

Just like what one poem said
"I know what we are, and I know what we're not"
And that's alright
Having you in my life is certainly more than enough

What makes it difficult for me is the fact that
I am the person who's always unsure of everything
But when it comes to you, I am more than sure that it is you
Whom I want to take the risk for
Whom I want to give all my efforts to
Whom I want to take care of
Whom I want to love without asking for anything in return

My friend,
It irks me how your impact in my life is very much intense
It agitates me how you can do nothing yet for me, it's more than everything
I hate how I get jealous over the little things when in fact I don't have the littlest right to be

I hate how I love you and how I am willing to do anything for you
Just to make you happy
And make you forget the burdens in your life

But this I promise you,
I will always be here
To listen to you and hug you so tight
Whenever you need me
I will be that friend you can always run to
I will be that friend you can always lean on

"And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me, every day I will remind you"

I used to be a cheerful girl
My friends when I was younger described me as "jolly"
But I grew up as a *******
I explored the world of pain, I traveled the road of sorrow
I cried myself to sleep and woke up with heavy bags under my eyes
One day I realized I was depressed
I even became suicidal and my friends didn't like it of course
They wanted to understand me but even I couldn't understand myself

Sure, I am surrounded with the people who care about me
But maybe, I am better off alone
Alone in my world where I won't bother anyone, only myself
And now I am isolating myself, keeping everything in private
Having Facebook for academic purposes only because apparently, ultimate self-expression is not allowed there anymore
Having Twitter and Instagram and other social networking *****, I mean sites, just for the sake of keeping the memories
But really, if I wasn't very sentimental, I would have deactivated every single account I have on the internet

The cheerful girl that I used to be is trapped inside the sad person I have become
I've been choosing happiness as much as I've been fighting depression
It's true that one's self is responsible for making decisions but in my case, it's not because I chose to be like this
The mess I have become was beyond my control
"Choose happiness, fight depression"
Sure, sure. As if it is that easy.
IF IT WAS EASY, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.

I hate myself.
For being weak.
For being a coward.
For being so stubborn.
For being stupid.
For being myself.

Will sorry ever be enough?
Can being a human be an excuse?

Will my depressed self ever find that cheerful girl?
That girl who used to have a lot of dreams
That girl who used to live life to the fullest
That girl who used to laugh all the time, even at the littlest things
That girl who used to have such a big heart
That girl who used to be happy

Or maybe, just maybe, she's just really... gone, gone, and gone.

Your family never really liked me
They thought of me as a bad influence to you
They thought of our relationship as unhealthy
In my defense, they never really knew about me
I tried reaching out, I put away my pride just to get closer to them
But I only embarrassed myself
In the end, I was just a fool
Trying to be accepted by them, trying to be loved by them
I am thankful though
Because at least they were courteous and nice enough
To talk to me when I'm around
For me it was awkward
It felt like they were just waiting for me to make mistakes
Just to prove that I really am not the right one for you

It's not about losing people anymore
It's about being not good enough
They say they want to know you more
But when they do
And when they see your imperfections
And when they feel how difficult it is to be with you
And when they just couldn't handle you anymore
They get tired
They give up
They leave
Just like that
And you start to realize
They only wanted to know you
But that doesn't mean they intended to stay

I am not worth it, I am not enough
People tell me I am, but I am not
It is not what I think, it is what I feel

If I really deserve to be happy
Will I have to feel this way?
I can't love myself anymore
I can't fight for my happiness any longer

Disappointments are eating me up
Frustrations are consuming me
Sadness is swallowing me
Anxiety is killing me
Depression is burying me alive

I do not need someone to rescue me, I do not need any love anymore
I just want to sleep and never wake up ever again

It really is true
Sometimes you bite your lip
Just to refrain your tears from falling
But sometimes it just doesn't work
Because tears are the greatest traitors ever
They will fall
No matter how much you control them not to
They will betray you
They will reveal your weakness
And the only option you have is to pretend
And try your best to get rid of the stupid thoughts
It makes you wish that your heart had eyes and ears
So it couldn't see and hear
The things that slowly **** you

Ang ganda na sana ng tugtugan
Ang yabang ko pa
Abang na abang ako sa kantang patutugtugin nung kuya sa caf
Ayun, "Forevermore" ng Side-A
"Ay putang ina"
Solid.
Kahit may pagkain sa harap ko.
Ang sakit pala.
Ang hina ko pala.
Isang kanta lang, hindi ko kinaya.
Oa para sa iba.
Pero para sa'kin?
Iba.
Masakit.
Hindi ito yung mga oras na kaya ko maging matapang.

Isang kanta lang, hindi ko kinaya.
Bakit ba ako nasasaktan?
Bakit ang lala?
Mahal mo pa ba sya?
Mahal mo ba talaga ako?
Ang sakit pala.
Ang hina ko pala.

Ang yabang ko pa.
Akala ko napakatatag ko.
Pero hindi pala.
Isang kanta lang, hindi ko kinaya.
Bakit kasi hindi mo ako hinintay?
Pinanindigan ko ba talaga pagiging "laging late" ko?
O sadyang kailangan ko lang talagang masaktan nang ganito?

Isang kanta pero ibang sakit ang dulot sa'kin.
Isang kanta mula sa nakaraan mo na labis na nagpapasakit sa ngayon natin.
Madaling sabihing lumipas na yun.
Pero mahirap ding pilitin ang sariling 'wag mapaisip
Ano kayang iniisip mo nung narinig mo rin yun?
Naalala mo ba lahat?
Naalala mo ba sya?

Nanghihinayang ako.
Bakit ba hindi kita noon nakilala
Nung hindi pa ako ganito kahina
Nung kaya ko pa magmahal nang buong buo
Hindi tulad ngayon na puno ng takot

Nang tignan mo ako sa mata
At sinabing mahal mo ako
Saglit na tumigil sa pagtibok ang puso ko
Masaya at masakit
Sabay.
Lalo akong nahirapan.
Hindi ko na alam.

Sa bawat araw na dumadaan
Mas minamahal kita
Ayaw na ayaw kong nawawala ka sa tabi ko
Maya't maya hinahanap kita
Akala ko ganun ka din
Kaya lang nasasakal ka na pala
Hindi ko namalayan
Sobra na pala
Paano ba talaga magmahal?
Bakit kung hindi ako kulang, sobra naman?

Ngayon hindi ko na alam paano ka kakausapin
Paano kikilos
O magsasalita kapag andyan ka
Pakiramdam ko lahat ng gawin at sabihin ko,
Mali.
Sobra.
Kulang.
Ewan. Paano ba?
Siguro nga ganito talaga kapag nagmamahal.
Masakit.
Kumplikado.
Uubusin lahat ng lakas mo.

Ibibigay ko ang gusto at kailangan mo.
Pero sana sabihin mo
Kung sawa ka na
Kung ayaw mo na
Kung kaya mo pa
Kung mahal mo ba ako
Kung mahal mo pa ba ako
Kung mahal mo ba talaga ako
Kaya ko tiisin lahat
Hanggang alam kong may pinanghahawakan ako
Pero kung wala na,
Handa naman akong magpatalo
Handa akong masaktan
Maging masaya ka lang

Sanay naman kasi ako
Alam kong mahirap akong mahalin
Hirap din akong mahalin ang sarili ko
May mga bagay na sadyang hindi nababago
Pero kung tunay kang nagmamahal, matatanggap mo
Matitiis mo
At kahit hirap ako
Ginagawa ko
Hindi ko isinusumbat
Gusto ko lang malaman mo
Na ganito ako magmahal
Uubusin ko ang sarili ko

Sana maubos na rin lahat ng sakit na 'to
Hindi ko alam na ganito ang epekto ng isang kanta
Isang kantang magsasampal sa akin ng katotohanan
Na walang madaling paraan para magmahal