I used to be a cheerful girl
My friends when I was younger described me as "jolly"
But I grew up as a *******
I explored the world of pain, I traveled the road of sorrow
I cried myself to sleep and woke up with heavy bags under my eyes
One day I realized I was depressed
I even became suicidal and my friends didn't like it of course
They wanted to understand me but even I couldn't understand myself
Sure, I am surrounded with the people who care about me
But maybe, I am better off alone
Alone in my world where I won't bother anyone, only myself
And now I am isolating myself, keeping everything in private
Having Facebook for academic purposes only because apparently, ultimate self-expression is not allowed there anymore
Having Twitter and Instagram and other social networking *****, I mean sites, just for the sake of keeping the memories
But really, if I wasn't very sentimental, I would have deactivated every single account I have on the internet
The cheerful girl that I used to be is trapped inside the sad person I have become
I've been choosing happiness as much as I've been fighting depression
It's true that one's self is responsible for making decisions but in my case, it's not because I chose to be like this
The mess I have become was beyond my control
"Choose happiness, fight depression"
Sure, sure. As if it is that easy.
IF IT WAS EASY, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.
I hate myself.
For being weak.
For being a coward.
For being so stubborn.
For being stupid.
For being myself.
Will sorry ever be enough?
Can being a human be an excuse?
Will my depressed self ever find that cheerful girl?
That girl who used to have a lot of dreams
That girl who used to live life to the fullest
That girl who used to laugh all the time, even at the littlest things
That girl who used to have such a big heart
That girl who used to be happy
Or maybe, just maybe, she's just really... gone, gone, and gone.