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Oct 2018 · 722
Untitled, Yet Again
JOEY Oct 2018
We had driven each other crazy
We had hurt each other so badly
Truly,
We just were not the right ones for each other
The old versions of ourselves deserved better
Indeed,
We needed time to heal
We needed time to grow

Yesterday,
All we could feel is pain
We were full of regrets, of hatred, and of questions
Today, I can say
The horrors of the past are finally free
Now that we’ve found the missing pieces of our puzzles,
The past can rest

The better versions of ourselves are now with the right ones,
With the ones whom we can love better than we ever did before
With the ones whose patience, understanding, love, and everything in between, are more long-lasting than ours before

Today,
All I can feel is happiness and gratefulness
Thank you for all the memories we had shared
They might not be the best ones
But I have learned and grown a lot
I am still deeply sorry for all the pain I had caused you

But dear,
Everything worked out just fine
And that's what matters
rhymes are not really meant for me. i tried. and failed miserably. but i don't care.
May 2018 · 3.0k
Homesick
JOEY May 2018
Woke up, yet again
At this ungodly hour

Unhappy thoughts lingering at the back of my mind
Unhappy memories still haunting my heart
Unhappy horrors bothering my soul

All of these redirect me to you
You, whom life has offered to me
You, whom He has given me
You, who made everything worth it- the pain, the faults, the sorrows
You, the one whom I love dearly

You, who wipes away my tears and my fears
You, who makes me happy

You were not the escape
You are my sanctuary

I love you, despite this messed up piece
I love you, because of who you are
I love you, even with the chaos that is myself
May 2018 · 347
"Teacher, I need help"
JOEY May 2018
Pero paano kapag si teacher naman ang nangailangan ng tulong?
Paano kapag si teacher naman ang nahirapan?
Paano kapag hindi na rin maintindihan ni teacher ang mga pangyayari?
Paano kapag si teacher mismo napagod na?
Paano kapag ubos na ang pasensya ni teacher?
Sinong iintindi sa kanya?
Mauunawaan ba siya ng mga musmos na nangangapa pa lang sa buhay?
Paano kung si teacher mismo naliligaw?
Kaya bang sagipin ni teacher ang sarili niya?
Kakayanin niya ba?
Kaya niya pa ba talaga?
Kaya niya ba talaga?
JOEY Apr 2017
Naaalala mo pa ba nung huli kang naging masaya?
Yung totoong masaya
Maayos yung buhay mo
Maayos lahat
Masaya ka
Aminin mo, naging masaya ka talaga

Alam mo yun?
Yung pagod ka pero masaya
Pero ngayon?
Pagod ka na lang
Pagod kahit walang ginagawa
Pagod kakaisip

Ano kayang nangyari kung nag-isip ka nang mabuti?
Nag-isip ka nga ba talaga?
E wala, puso na naman
Katangahan

Tatlong beses mo sinunod puso mo
Bakit?
Kasi doon ka masaya?

Tatlong beses mo sinunod puso mo
Oo naging masaya ka
Pero ano nangyari sa huli
Diba’t nasaktan ka lang?

Tatlong beses mo sinunod puso mo
Sinundan ka ba ng kasiyahang hinahanap mo?
Hindi
Ano nangyari?
Hinabol ka ng mga kagaguhan mo

Ngayon, mag-isa ka na lang
Mag-isa ka na ulit
Mag-isa ka na naman
Takot ka na naman
Kaninong kasalanan?
Diba sa'yo?
Pero diba 'yan naman ang gusto mo?
Ang mapag-isa?
Ang maging duwag sa putanginang pag-ibig?
Ang sarilihin lahat ng problema mo dahil ayaw **** may ibang madamay?

Pero hanggang kailan ka magpapalamon sa takot mo?
Hanggang kailan mo sasaktan ang sarili mo?
Kailan ka ulit magiging masaya dahil sa tamang dahilan?

Kailan?
Aug 2016 · 19.5k
To Whom It May Concern:
JOEY Aug 2016
Patawad,
Sa lahat ng mga bagay na nawala
Sa mga oras na nasayang
Sa mga tawanan at kwentuhang hindi na mauulit
Sa mga luhang hindi alam kung kailan titigil
Sa mga pagkakataong pinalipas

Totoo nga
Hindi sapat ang pagmamahal
Kailangang paghirapan at pagtrabahuan
Pero paano mo nga ba masasabi na mahal mo talaga ang isang tao?
Kung puro sakit na lang ang nararanasan

Hindi sapat ang pagmamahal
Sa dinami-dami ng dahilan para umalis ka sa isang relasyon, bakit ka nga ba nananatili?
Dahil sa pagmamahal na pinanghahawakan mo?
Pero paano kung yung ka-isa isang dahilan kung bakit ka nananatili ay nararamdaman mo nang unti-unting nawawala?
'Wag mo nang pahirapan ang sarili mo at ang minamahal mo o nagmamahal sa'yo
'Wag **** hintayin dumating sa punto na wala nang matira sa inyo pareho
Hindi tama ang "ibigay mo ang lahat"
Tandaan mo na bago ka magmahal ng ibang tao, kailangang buo ang sarili mo

Sa isang relasyon, dalawang tao ang dapat na nagtutulungan
Hindi isa lang
Hindi isa lang ang masaya
Hindi isa lang ang umiintindi
Hindi sapat na "gagawin ko 'to para mapasaya siya"

Siguro nga, mahirap talagang magmahal
Pero ganun naman talaga diba?
Pag para sa taong mahal mo, lahat kakayanin mo
Pero sapat nga ba yun?
Hindi.
Dahil paano ka magmamahal kung ikaw mismo ubos na?
Paano ka magbibigay kung ikaw mismo wala na?

Hindi ka nagmamahal para buuin ang isang taong wasak
Hindi ka nagmamahal para baguhin ang isang tao
Hindi ka nagmamahal para may maipagyabang ka sa mga kaibigan mo
Hindi ka nagmamahal para waldasin ang pera ng magulang mo

Nagmamahal ka para sa ikabubuti ng pagkatao mo at ng minamahal mo
Nagmamahal ka para malaman mo kung bakit ka talaga nandito sa mundong 'to
Nagmamahal ka para maging masaya, hindi para maging miserable
Dahil kung gusto mo lang din naman maging problemado, maraming problema ang Pilipinas na pwede **** atupagin

Kung nagmamahal ka na lang para masaktan at makasakit, hindi na yan pagmamahal
Ang pagmamahal ay hindi katumbas ng pagpapakatanga
Oo, may mga bagay na magagawa mo lang dahil sa pag-ibig
Pero kung magpapaka-tanga ka na rin lang, hindi mo ba mas gugustuhin na matuto at malaman ang mga mas importanteng bagay sa mundo?

Totoo nga, there's more to life than love
Hindi mo kailangan madaliin ang pag-ibig dahil marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay mo
Marami ka pang makikilala
'Wag **** paikutin ang mundo mo sa isang tao na walang kasiguraduhan na magtatagal sa buhay mo

Bakit hindi mo muna buuin ang sarili mo hanggang sa dumating ang taong magmamahal sa'yo na kapantay ng pagmamahal na kaya **** ibigay?
Jan 2016 · 837
I Was Once Happy
JOEY Jan 2016
I used to be a cheerful girl
My friends when I was younger described me as "jolly"
But I grew up as a *******
I explored the world of pain, I traveled the road of sorrow
I cried myself to sleep and woke up with heavy bags under my eyes
One day I realized I was depressed
I even became suicidal and my friends didn't like it of course
They wanted to understand me but even I couldn't understand myself

Sure, I am surrounded with the people who care about me
But maybe, I am better off alone
Alone in my world where I won't bother anyone, only myself
And now I am isolating myself, keeping everything in private
Having Facebook for academic purposes only because apparently, ultimate self-expression is not allowed there anymore
Having Twitter and Instagram and other social networking *****, I mean sites, just for the sake of keeping the memories
But really, if I wasn't very sentimental, I would have deactivated every single account I have on the internet

The cheerful girl that I used to be is trapped inside the sad person I have become
I've been choosing happiness as much as I've been fighting depression
It's true that one's self is responsible for making decisions but in my case, it's not because I chose to be like this
The mess I have become was beyond my control
"Choose happiness, fight depression"
Sure, sure. As if it is that easy.
IF IT WAS EASY, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.

I hate myself.
For being weak.
For being a coward.
For being so stubborn.
For being stupid.
For being myself.

Will sorry ever be enough?
Can being a human be an excuse?

Will my depressed self ever find that cheerful girl?
That girl who used to have a lot of dreams
That girl who used to live life to the fullest
That girl who used to laugh all the time, even at the littlest things
That girl who used to have such a big heart
That girl who used to be happy

Or maybe, just maybe, she's just really... gone, gone, and gone.
Jan 2016 · 312
Why
JOEY Jan 2016
Why
It's not about losing people anymore
It's about being not good enough
They say they want to know you more
But when they do
And when they see your imperfections
And when they feel how difficult it is to be with you
And when they just couldn't handle you anymore
They get tired
They give up
They leave
Just like that
And you start to realize
They only wanted to know you
But that doesn't mean they intended to stay
Dec 2015 · 328
Fight No More
JOEY Dec 2015
I am not worth it, I am not enough
People tell me I am, but I am not
It is not what I think, it is what I feel

If I really deserve to be happy
Will I have to feel this way?
I can't love myself anymore
I can't fight for my happiness any longer

Disappointments are eating me up
Frustrations are consuming me
Sadness is swallowing me
Anxiety is killing me
Depression is burying me alive

I do not need someone to rescue me, I do not need any love anymore
I just want to sleep and never wake up ever again
JOEY Dec 2015
It really is true
Sometimes you bite your lip
Just to refrain your tears from falling
But sometimes it just doesn't work
Because tears are the greatest traitors ever
They will fall
No matter how much you control them not to
They will betray you
They will reveal your weakness
And the only option you have is to pretend
And try your best to get rid of the stupid thoughts
It makes you wish that your heart had eyes and ears
So it couldn't see and hear
The things that slowly **** you
Dec 2015 · 4.4k
Ningning Ng Isang Bituin
JOEY Dec 2015
Tulad ng isang palarang bituin,
Ikaw ay aking tinitingala
Hinahangaan ang Iyong kadakilaan
Sa pag-ikot ng mundo,
at pag-agos ng buhay,
Kailanman ay hindi Mo ako iniwan
Ako ay Iyong inibig
Kahit ako ay makasalanan
Tunay ngang hindi matatawaran
Ang iyong kakayahang magpatawad
Kaya ngayong Kapaskuhan, lahat ng regalo ay para sa'yo
Wagas na pagmamahal ang iaalay
Kapalit ng pinakamagandang regalong Iyong ipinagkaloob
Ang aking buhay
Aug 2015 · 471
To Love And To Die
JOEY Aug 2015
I have read books and watched movies and listened to songs
About death
which made me curious
How is it to be dead?
What does afterlife look like?
Is there really life after death?
Curiosity made me want to **** myself
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
Jump and fall?
Dive and drown?
Cross the road and get hit by a bus?
But then I realized,
I just had to fall in love
Only then would I die a thousand times in a thousand ways.
(Beato pav, 08/19/15)
Aug 2015 · 578
Am I Doing It Wrong?
JOEY Aug 2015
How will I be my truest self
If I am trapped in someone else's body?
I want to man up,
but the society dictates otherwise

How will I bloom where I was planted
If I am fed up with insecurities?
I want to prove myself,
but the people around me are pushing me down

How will I try my best
If I am showered with rejections?
I want to give my hundred percent,
but everyone doesn't seem to care at all

I want to be a/the better person
But maybe, I am doing it wrong
(Rm. 1207, 08/19/15)
JOEY Aug 2015
I like hurting myself.
It makes me feel alive
The physical pain,
The emotional torture,
Masochism.
I find satisfaction in letting myself feel unwanted.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night
I find contentment in bawling my eyes out
The process of breaking my heart is the proof that it is still beating,
that I am still breathing,
and still very much alive.
The fact that I am sad, makes me glad
It reminds me of my
existence –soon to be dissolved by my own blood and tears.
(Rm. 1207, 08/19/15)
Aug 2015 · 373
Ellipsis
JOEY Aug 2015
Sometimes, we end things
without the intention of continuing it any longer

Sometimes, we end things
because we fear the possible consequence

Sometimes, we end things
for the pleasure of tormenting people

Sometimes, we end things
to prevent ourselves from getting hurt

Sometimes, we end things
because of confusion and uncertainty

But sometimes,
things go beyond our control

Because sometimes,
things just end–
.. :)
Aug 2015 · 194
Waiting
JOEY Aug 2015
When I was eleven, I wrote a song
For someone, about someone
I used to stare at the sky
Wondering if she's there, finally coming back home
But then I ended up waiting, and waiting
Soon everything became blurry
She came back, then left once more
And again, and again
Until I got used to it
I had to understand why
But eventually my heart just got tired
I ended up staring blankly at the sky
Wondering why some people have to leave
When it's actually their presence you really need
Jul 2015 · 444
Grudge
JOEY Jul 2015
"Time heals everything," they say
I disagree.
Not everything can be healed by time
Some wounds never recover
No matter how long you wait
No matter how much you try
It will and would always be there
Feeling fresh and new
Much more painful than a heartbreak
It's when you are judged
From head to toe
Based on their so-called righteousness
When in fact, they're just being inhumane
They forget to think and care for other people's feelings
They just judge and insult you
Like you have no heart
Like they have no hearts
And I don't think they do have hearts
Because if they do
They won't be as insensitive as they are being right now
You want to forgive and forget
But you just can't
Because it's your whole being being stepped on
You want to shout at them and scream onto their faces
But all you can do is just run away
Run away from the people who condemned you
Just because you're not like them
Another poem for the judgmental society
JOEY May 2015
I've seen them all come and go
All the chances I refused to take
All the opportunities I refused to grab
Because of the courage I lacked
Hesitations consumed me
Insecurities ate me up
All that's left was fear
And now I'm dancing with regrets
I can only watch them make their parents proud
While I stand there wishing to be
Someone I can never be
I wonder until when will I hide
Behind these shadows
I can never seem to get rid of
My feels on our major production, GLEE: An Adaptation
JOEY Jan 2015
Maybe I just don’t really deserve it
The happiness I craved for so long
Because if it were really meant for me
It would not have to be this hard

Perhaps this is not a heart’s wish
But just a pure selfishness
Because if it were really meant for me
It would not have to be this hard

Am I really worth it?
Do I even deserve it?
Because if it were really meant for me
It would not have to be this hard

Will it ever be enough?
To just work hard and fight for it?
Because if it were really meant for me
It would not have to be this hard

Because if were really meant for me
It would not have to be this hard
I would not have to feel so worthless
I would not have to feel so empty
Jan 2015 · 326
The Beats Of Your Heart
JOEY Jan 2015
Transforming your feelings into words
is much harder than writing an essay for an English homework
To write an essay, you need a light bulb as a representation of your ideas
But to write how you feel?
It’s like solving a Math problem
So complex, so confusing, so painful, so difficult

Falling in love is like magic
Of all the people in this world,
there’s only one out there who will make your heart beat faster than usual
It’s neither a joke nor an exaggeration
Every little thing they do will be a special thing for you
Every moment with them,
whether it’s an imagination or an actual situation,
will forever be kept in your heart
An excerpt from one of my blogposts way back in 2012 transformed into a poem
Jan 2015 · 247
Right: Do It Or Have It?
JOEY Jan 2015
They always tell me to do what is right
I ask them, “don’t I have the right?”
–the right to be happy,
the right to live my life the way I want it to be
Sometimes I wonder, “does it really matter?”
As long as I am happy, why would anyone even bother?
Right or wrong, they will still have something to say
That’s why I am just going to do it my way
All my life I’ve been making my own choices,
All my life I’ve been responsible for my own happiness
Because this is my life and it’s now or never
I get to decide which one for me is better
My choice is to let my heart win,
And to let nobody get their way in
Because the society is a bunch of people who are self-proclaimed righteous and yet so judgmental

— The End —