You ask me what my diet is
and I am reminded that for three years of my life
All I had in my lunchbox
were jam sandwiches
Single slices of own brand bread
with scrapings of red in the center
If there was anything there
at all
And I tell you that I've never had a problem
with portion control

You ask me again how I stay so skinny
and I think of all the days I spent
rummaging through bare cupboards
Looking for something I could have
for dinner
As I tell you that I have always
been like this

You wrap ******* around my
wrist and joke that a breeze would ******* away
and I can see myself now
11 years old and 5 foot nothing
Pushing my sister in her pram
up a hill on the way home from
school
Straining under the weight
And I tell you that my body had
never failed me when it wasn't windy out

You demand to know why nothing I eat sticks to me
But I can't tell you how my frame
hasn't yet gotten used to being full
of something other than rage
And I don't think I would recognize
the girl who wasn't starving
and stuffing her face
So I tell you that I just don't know

You can't help but ask why I didn't just buy myself something extra
And I smile when I think of the small
amount that I had to spend
and the fiver worth of sweets it went on
that I handed to my baby siblings as I shut the door
to their room
On the worst day I can remember
Because they didn't have to be hungry too
So I didn't eat a single one

But I tell you that skinny is just a memory I didn't get to give back.

It's not that I think any less of someone for venting their honest feelings
But I don't feel as comfortable being myself around people that tend to talk about others
That like to share their judgements--
Because you know if they gossip to you, they might gossip about you
And I'm not emotionally secure right now so I couldn't handle that~

What is my skin for?
To cover up my thoughts so sore?
Thoughts that fuel me like gasoline,
As a candy does to a kid on Halloween

My thoughts are far beyond this world,
But suppressed by the hearts so cold,
People say dream big and shoot for stars!!
But for 18 years they tell us what to say bout isobars

Thoughts are never given freedom to be expressed,
All this world wants is people who can impress,
My thoughts if revealed would drown you all,
And hitting the ground you all will fall.

Why do my thoughts only haunt me at night?
Why do they always wanna stay out of sight?
Maybe because that's what we are being taught,
Bitter thoughts should never be caught.

Let me just scream my thoughts,
A day like this is all i sought,
So don't expect people to stay quiet all the time,
Because with that we are just not fine.

Let my thoughts burn your soul,
Leave a scar, one so gold,
Let me leave a mark on the world,
In this world, let me make a swirl!!

Good morning Sunshine!
It's a Bright new Day

With a Sweet Kiss of Coffee
For a Cold Lips and Long Lashes

It's a Perfect Day indeed!
And You are Worth it!

Tell yourself
on a Monday Morning!
You are Worth **It!

Every time around this month I get upset.
Not that it was your fault or anything,
but it was at the same time.

Every time around this month I can't wait for it to be over.
There's just too much that was lost.
Not that I was a miracle, because I was, but again, I wasn't.

I just get upset. Not the sad upset.
It's an angry upset.

But why'd you have to go so soon though?
You didn't even make it until Christmas.
I was only thirteen....
I was just getting into the 8th grade....

You said you wouldn't die. You noticed something was wrong and you asked.
At first I said I was fine and continued watching you and Zach play the game.
But you stopped playing because you saw my lip quiver and you asked again.

I couldn't look at you...
I didn't say anything until after I realized I was grasping you with dear life and sobbing so hard, that the air was burning my throat.
You asked me one last time what was wrong.

As I said, choking on air and sobs, "I don't want you to die."
...I always wondered why you laughed a little when I said that...
You gently pushed me off a little and smiled at me, "I'm not going to die."

I have never cried so hard in front of my dad, or my aunts before...I haven't even cried that hard in front of my siblings.

"I'm not going to die," huh?...
Then where'd you go, Dad....
Did you go on a road trip, just hoping you'd come across me to say how much you've missed me?...

All those "I'm so sorry for your loss." sentences mean nothing anymore.
I just shake their hands, give a smile, and say, "Thank you."
But sorry won't bring you back...
Sorry? Sorry isn't going to call my phone and I'm not going to hear your voice saying, "I'm sorry I kept you waiting."

I need you, Dad.
What am I going to do without you?
I know its almost been 5 years, but I can't do this alone!
I miss you so much and it hurts..

I just can't do this anymore, Dad..
I need you....
...Where are you.....?

I used to be okay with the silence
But now my stomach twist in a never ending swirl
The silence isn’t my friend
It reveals secrets I don’t want it to
Like how I can’t calm my shaking hand
How I can’t stop clearing my throat even though the feeling doesn’t go away
Most of all I hate the silence because it means your not here to calm me