I confessed my sins
I let all the toxic filth drip down my face
Come out of my mouth
I showed you my blackened heart
Sitting deep in my chest
I opened my thoughts
And you closed your eyes and pretended
You never saw

i can't seem to breathe without your touch


i can't seem to live without you here

I can't sleep
My heart is wide awake
I can't breathe without your pheromones filling my lungs  
They're like earth and mud and the good kind of sweat all mixed up in one
But I can't quite catch your smell anymore
My heart is left without it's oxygen supply
So I'll stay up and feel my heart slowly suffocate

It's ironic how quick you flee
It's almost funny how fast I tumble back down
But it's not funny
Because rock bottom doesn't feel so nice when you've felt the kisses of the clouds

Climb down into the bright, raspberry red of my heart
Can you hear how it beats for you?

Wrap your ocean arms around me
I want you to pull me into your depths
It's only there that I feel home

Can you tell I'm breathing easier?
Or maybe I'm just breathless

To the man who is supposed to be my hero
You are my villain
To the man who is supposed to be my protector
You are my attacker
To the man who is supposed to lift me
You are the reason I fall down

Where did you go and why did you leave me?
Was I not good enough for your companionship?
I can't remember the last time I felt you around
Did you quietly slip away into the setting sun or were you more like the switch of a light, suddenly gone?
I know it wasn't your fault
It was mine
For changing
For wanting to grow
I pulled away thinking you'd follow along
But you didn't
The string was cut
The sever was left frayed and uneven
And I can't get it back because time doesn't work that way
I want to move forward
But I'm stumbling around in the dark
Waiting for the spark of your love to ignite back inside me

to watch the laughter play across your face
is to watch the sun rise finally break across the horizon

behind my eyes
you're so clear

when i open them
i almost expect you
to be laying there
next to me

but each time
there's only empty space
to match my empty
heart

I would say "I love you forever" but forever still doesn't seem long enough

Today, I watched a dying cockroach try and drag itself across my bathroom floor
It couldn't even drag itself properly

Sometimes I feel like that
Like the dying cockroach who can't even drag itself properly to the unknown safety of beyond

Would you let me hear your heartbeat?
Does it sound the same as mine?
I'm convinced that you're too divine to be made of the same parts as me

I want to hear your heartbeat every night before I sleep
I want to fill in the small pauses between beats with love and joy
I am not worthy of that
But somehow you still let me
You say your heart is mine

How did I ever get so lucky?

I want to be your ocean tide.
Let me pull you in.
You can discover my deep depths.
The parts where the sun can't even reach.

Let me glimmer in the moonlight.
Take a plunge in my waves.

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

I want to feel your arms around me again
The heat of your skin against mine
The way I can feel your heartbeat in your chest

I wish you would see me when the sunlight plays with the colors of  daisies
Can I at least pretend you do?

I want your lips gently pressed on mine
I want to hear your laugh again
I want to breathe in your heavenly smell and forever get lost it
I want to see the way your eyes light up with fire when you look at me

But I can't

Because you're gone

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

I love you

I love you with all my heart and soul

But do I love you enough to let you go?

my love for you fizzled up
like soda left on the counter
like a fish with no water
slowly inhaling what kills it

i don't know when it happened
im not even quite sure why
but sometimes you stepped on my emotional mines without even realizing they were there
exploding inside my heart
ripping me up inside
i know you didn't mean it
but i didn't need someone else making me feel like i wasn't good enough
maybe that's why i pulled away
maybe i was the air that ****** the carbonation out
maybe i drowned myself
i'm sorry i couldn't be what you wanted
i'm sorry i let myself get in the way of our beautiful
i often do that
my emotional scars can be quite fragile
the stitches are still in place
the wounds barely healed
i'm sorry you couldn't make me feel good enough
maybe because you are so much greater
maybe it was just the wrong time
i'm not sure
but i'm sorry

'Hello, old friends' I say
As the voices in my head come rushing in
I thought I got rid of you
I thought I was
Beautiful
Stunning
Gorgeous
Magnificent
They smirk at me
Because we both know those things
Are
Not
True

I'm always giving myself away
Only to find a "Not A Through Street" at the end of each adventure

You say that you love me
I believe you because
I'm drowning in your love
You may think "how romantic"
But it's not
Because it's creeping higher and higher
And I know one day
I won't be able to breathe
It'll slowly creep in
And
Crush my lungs
Your love is killing me

Do you ever  feel like screaming?
Or is that just me?
I want to feel the anger trapped inside my chest burst.
I want to capture in my hands
And eat it alive.
I want to feel it squirm and wiggle with fright
Before I take the first bite.

"You are what you eat," they say.
That's strange.
I don't remember eating this pain.

It's okay to cry
It's okay to fall apart
It's okay to feel the world crushing in around you
It's okay to want to smash your face against a wall
It's okay to feel so empty you question if you're even alive

Is there anyway I could just die without really dying?
Maybe all my atoms could just simply be absorbed back into earth
They could create something more useful and pretty
Maybe my soul could be swept up in the wind
It could whisper sweet messages to all those who need it
Maybe my pain could create a deep, engulfing canyon
And all those who come across it could understand why

I could write you a million love poems
But I still don't think they would be able to capture the feelings in my chest
Because when I look at you
words suddenly fail me
And my heart is at a loss
Because I don't know how I ever lived without you
And now I don't ever want to
Because you're the answer to my questions
The beginning of the end
You
Are
Mine
And I'll want that forever

my instincts are telling me to pull away
but I just want to stay

the difference between being in your life
and
being a part of your life
is like the difference between
a pond and a lake
you just know it when you see it
and i just know it when i feel it

My heart is torn in two
But I still can't give one half to you

i miss you more than words can say
more than the stars miss the moon
more than grass miss the rain
more than you could ever imagine

I miss you more than words can say

My love for you fills my chest with warmth and sleepy comfort

Somehow I'm living without you

But is it really living when you're not beside me?

I want to breathe you in
and know every inch of you
The deep thoughts in your mind you keep so hidden, guarded up and locked away
I want to know them all
Oh my dear, my love, my everything
Let me swim in your oceans
Unlock the gates
and make you mine forever

my first and my last
my forever and always

the sigh of a feather reminds me of the color of your eyes

i don't like capital letters
their formal figures towering over the others
belittling
mocking
always looking down upon
oh, capital letters
i am tired of you saying i am not good enough
because i know why you hold your nose so high
it's so that you can't smell the rotting of your soul

My chest is filled with black
But is it filled with black?
Or is it so empty it's black?
I can't tell because
The blackness has spread to my head
And all my axons have stopped firing

i used to think i was in love
but the depths of that ocean were dangerous
the surfaces were calm and peaceful
but the further i plunged
the darker it got
i became ensnared in the trappings and twistings of you
the storms were always on the horizons
but you convinced that this was how love was
love didn't equal trust

but oh, darling how i've learned to swim in much sweeter waters
the storms are never brewing
the depths are translucent and clean
because
he is much better than you

my heart is filled with thoughts of you
with each breath, my lungs are filled with love
you interrupt my every thought
i crave your touch
my lips need to feel the breath of yours
baby, i don't know what you've done to me
but i'm enjoying every second

you were the sweetest man to live
your kindness
your happiness
your love
radiated from your body
I bet Death smiled when he kissed your lips and took your last breath
because even he felt your love

sometimes i forget what it was like to not be in love with you
that's when i become quite cynical
rolled my eyes at romance novels
flipped the channel when any romantic comedy dared to come on
skipped all my favorite love songs
i almost was engulfed in rage when movies ended sappy
i shunned the romance out of my life just like i shunned you
i was quite angry, you see
because i was never really not in love with you
i knew what all those movies and books and songs were professing
and although sometimes they can be quite dramatic i knew some form of that love was
real
oh, so very real
and now i revel in it every day
it wraps me up and keeps me warm
i breathe it in and it infuses with my skin
and i almost forget how i tried to fool myself about not being in love with you

I want know how you love me
When I'm a complete mess
Stitches barely hanging on
Standing at the edge of the dark valley I just clambered out of
Tear streaked cheeks
The smell of sadness still clinging to my clothes
The echo of those evil words still ring in my head
And you're all wrapped perfectly
So put together
I feel selfish to have you
I feel selfish for burdening you with me

You're just talking faces
Your eyes are blind
Your ears do not hear
You continue to talk at me
Never seeing the pain your causing
Never hearing the words I'm speaking
So I've learned to stay quiet
Leave my feelings deep inside
Because you're just talking faces

I may have lied to you
I am very sorry
I didn't mean to
But after I said it
I realized I was wrong
Because I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that
I want you
Forever

You asked me what all my scars meant
Well, my love, I've spent years of my life self loathing
This big one right here is from the months I fell to sleep wishing I'd never wake up
And the numerous ones right here are from all the times I've felt inadequate
And these scarlet ones are from the times I felt so angry that I had to be me
These quiet ones here are from all the times I knew I needed help but never said a word
And all these skinny ones here are for the times that I hated this body that I live inside and for the times the mirror in my head liked to tell me lies
These are for the times I felt like I was drowning in frustration because I never matched the perfect person my brain wanted me to be
And these are for the time I felt so lost and trapped inside my head
These are for the times I let my happiness be defined by an immature boy who saw the the start of these wounds and never bothered to ask me why
I've waged a wicked war with myself
I cried and yelled and yearned to be everything except me

My scars are healing
The blood of my own words has long been washed away
And here they all are for you to see my past in all it's pitiful glory
But please don't worry
I am okay
The wars have stopped
I may stumble and have a scuffle from time to time
But I am okay, really, I promise

i like to write in metaphors
but you're the one
i can't grasp
i just can't seem to find anything good enough to compare to you
my words fail me
and it occurs to me that all that is left
are my emotions swimming inside

I don't think I could ever get the words just right
so I guess I'll just stick with
I love you
But oh my dear,
Those are just the start of what you do to my heart

Yesterday, I fell in love
Today will be same
And all the days after

You give me the words I've always wanted to say
The feelings I thought I'd never deserve
The pure and sweet honesty I've always craved
And to simply put it,
my dear,
You are my everything

Sometimes I feel like I've come so far
that I forget how easy it is to fall
down
down
down
to the pit of despair

I'm going to be honest, my sweet love
I never meant to fall in love with you
But as soon as I started falling,
I couldn't stop
Like a downward pull of an ocean current
The waters of your love fills up my lungs
And I promise you,
They are the sweetest breaths I have ever taken

my heart goes out to you
1,000 miles away
i hope it wraps you up
in warmth and love
i hope you smile bright
when you picture my face
and remember my laugh

i want to wrap you in my love
breathe in our warmth
melt in your arms

i love you
and ill stay forever
because i figured out what i needed
what i always wanted
is you