I confessed my sins
I let all the toxic filth drip down my face
Come out of my mouth
I showed you my blackened heart
Sitting deep in my chest
I opened my thoughts
And you closed your eyes and pretended
You never saw

i can't seem to breathe without your touch


i can't seem to live without you here

I can't sleep
My heart is wide awake
I can't breathe without your pheromones filling my lungs  
They're like earth and mud and the good kind of sweat all mixed up in one
But I can't quite catch your smell anymore
My heart is left without it's oxygen supply
So I'll stay up and feel my heart slowly suffocate

It's ironic how quick you flee
It's almost funny how fast I tumble back down
But it's not funny
Because rock bottom doesn't feel so nice when you've felt the kisses of the clouds

Climb down into the bright, raspberry red of my heart
Can you hear how it beats for you?

Wrap your ocean arms around me
I want you to pull me into your depths
It's only there that I feel home

Can you tell I'm breathing easier?
Or maybe I'm just breathless

To the man who is supposed to be my hero
You are my villain
To the man who is supposed to be my protector
You are my attacker
To the man who is supposed to lift me
You are the reason I fall down

Where did you go and why did you leave me?
Was I not good enough for your companionship?
I can't remember the last time I felt you around
Did you quietly slip away into the setting sun or were you more like the switch of a light, suddenly gone?
I know it wasn't your fault
It was mine
For changing
For wanting to grow
I pulled away thinking you'd follow along
But you didn't
The string was cut
The sever was left frayed and uneven
And I can't get it back because time doesn't work that way
I want to move forward
But I'm stumbling around in the dark
Waiting for the spark of your love to ignite back inside me

to watch the laughter play across your face
is to watch the sun rise finally break across the horizon

behind my eyes
you're so clear

when i open them
i almost expect you
to be laying there
next to me

but each time
there's only empty space
to match my empty
heart

I would say "I love you forever" but forever still doesn't seem long enough

Today, I watched a dying cockroach try and drag itself across my bathroom floor
It couldn't even drag itself properly

Sometimes I feel like that
Like the dying cockroach who can't even drag itself properly to the unknown safety of beyond

Would you let me hear your heartbeat?
Does it sound the same as mine?
I'm convinced that you're too divine to be made of the same parts as me

I want to hear your heartbeat every night before I sleep
I want to fill in the small pauses between beats with love and joy
I am not worthy of that
But somehow you still let me
You say your heart is mine

How did I ever get so lucky?

I want to be your ocean tide.
Let me pull you in.
You can discover my deep depths.
The parts where the sun can't even reach.

Let me glimmer in the moonlight.
Take a plunge in my waves.

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

I want to feel your arms around me again
The heat of your skin against mine
The way I can feel your heartbeat in your chest

I wish you would see me when the sunlight plays with the colors of  daisies
Can I at least pretend you do?

I want your lips gently pressed on mine
I want to hear your laugh again
I want to breathe in your heavenly smell and forever get lost it
I want to see the way your eyes light up with fire when you look at me

But I can't

Because you're gone

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

I love you

I love you with all my heart and soul

But do I love you enough to let you go?

my love for you fizzled up
like soda left on the counter
like a fish with no water
slowly inhaling what kills it

i don't know when it happened
im not even quite sure why
but sometimes you stepped on my emotional mines without even realizing they were there
exploding inside my heart
ripping me up inside
i know you didn't mean it
but i didn't need someone else making me feel like i wasn't good enough
maybe that's why i pulled away
maybe i was the air that ****** the carbonation out
maybe i drowned myself
i'm sorry i couldn't be what you wanted
i'm sorry i let myself get in the way of our beautiful
i often do that
my emotional scars can be quite fragile
the stitches are still in place
the wounds barely healed
i'm sorry you couldn't make me feel good enough
maybe because you are so much greater
maybe it was just the wrong time
i'm not sure
but i'm sorry

'Hello, old friends' I say
As the voices in my head come rushing in
I thought I got rid of you
I thought I was
Beautiful
Stunning
Gorgeous
Magnificent
They smirk at me
Because we both know those things
Are
Not
True

I'm always giving myself away
Only to find a "Not A Through Street" at the end of each adventure

You say that you love me
I believe you because
I'm drowning in your love
You may think "how romantic"
But it's not
Because it's creeping higher and higher
And I know one day
I won't be able to breathe
It'll slowly creep in
And
Crush my lungs
Your love is killing me

Do you ever  feel like screaming?
Or is that just me?
I want to feel the anger trapped inside my chest burst.
I want to capture in my hands
And eat it alive.
I want to feel it squirm and wiggle with fright
Before I take the first bite.

"You are what you eat," they say.
That's strange.
I don't remember eating this pain.

It's okay to cry
It's okay to fall apart
It's okay to feel the world crushing in around you
It's okay to want to smash your face against a wall
It's okay to feel so empty you question if you're even alive

Is there anyway I could just die without really dying?
Maybe all my atoms could just simply be absorbed back into earth
They could create something more useful and pretty
Maybe my soul could be swept up in the wind
It could whisper sweet messages to all those who need it
Maybe my pain could create a deep, engulfing canyon
And all those who come across it could understand why

i like to turn off my frontal lobe
let my amygdala and limbic lobe start screaming
let them ooze their tears
feel each and every stab
i know it's irrational
maybe it's a little self destructive
but the numbness is always worse than every scar they have caused me
because you see my frontal lobe likes to make me an empty shell
it likes for me to pull away from the pain
and let the darkness eat me alive

My heart aches with the longing of you
There's no one else who fits me quite so right
This distance is killing me
I need to feel your touch
I don't think I can make it much longer without the sensation of your lips on me
But I'd wait forever if that's what it took
Because I love you
My heart is yours
I am yours
I used to have this fear that I was never good enough
But it's different this time
This distance is killing me
I want to show you how I feel with tender kisses and warm hand holding
My heart may ache
But I will always love you

I've started to feel you pull away
You're a leaky sink
Slowly but surely leaving me behind
drip drop
my heart is silently breaking
drip drop
I don't know how to stop this
drip drop
I think there's something wrong with my faucet
Because no matter how hard I twist there's always the drip drop of you

The confusion in my heart is weighing me down
It's filling my body
My brain is giving up
The fog is too thick
My heart is too heavy

i want to wrap you in my love
breathe in our warmth
melt in your arms

why must i feel so deeply
sometimes its nice
i love deeply
i'm happy deeply
i give deeply

but
i'm sad deeply
hurt deeply
frustrated deeply
drowning deeply in the chaos of these emotions

oh my darling,
i would give you the stars
i would give you the oceans
and all the creatures in the forest
i would build you a universe
full of all the things that make you happy

but oh my darling,
all i have to give you is
my love
my heart
and all you have is
your love
and heart
and that is all i'll ever need
i love every inch

i love you
and ill stay forever
because i figured out what i needed
what i always wanted
is you

the difference between being in your life
and
being a part of your life
is like the difference between
a pond and a lake
you just know it when you see it
and i just know it when i feel it

sometimes you make me want to cry
not because I'm sad
quite the opposite, in fact
i can't contain this love i feel
it spills over and splashes on everything

I could hold you close to me forever
Feel the beat of your heart against mine
Perfectly in sync
Filled with love
Joy
I am finally complete

i miss the towering, snowcapped mountains
the blue of your eyes
the chill in the air
the warmth of your hands

I love the sound of your voice
The way you say my name is heaven
Your laugh is the ever constant warmth of the sun
I want to hide in all the lows
Climb all the highs
Your voice is mine to hear forever  
It twines around my heart
And with every beat is love for the sound of you

you make me want to write poetry
and paint the sky with this feeling inside
breathe in your heartbeat
run through the clouds
and swim through the ocean of you
this time I'm never letting go
because now I know
there's only one you
only one of this feeling
the only one who makes me want to write poetry

You asked me what all my scars meant
Well, my love, I've spent years of my life self loathing
This big one right here is from the months I fell to sleep wishing I'd never wake up
And the numerous ones right here are from all the times I've felt inadequate
And these scarlet ones are from the times I felt so angry that I had to be me
These quiet ones here are from all the times I knew I needed help but never said a word
And all these skinny ones here are for the times that I hated this body that I live inside and for the times the mirror in my head liked to tell me lies
These are for the times I felt like I was drowning in frustration because I never matched the perfect person my brain wanted me to be
And these are for the time I felt so lost and trapped inside my head
These are for the times I let my happiness be defined by an immature boy who saw the the start of these wounds and never bothered to ask me why
I've waged a wicked war with myself
I cried and yelled and yearned to be everything except me

My scars are healing
The blood of my own words has long been washed away
And here they all are for you to see my past in all it's pitiful glory
But please don't worry
I am okay
The wars have stopped
I may stumble and have a scuffle from time to time
But I am okay, really, I promise

My chest is filled with black
But is it filled with black?
Or is it so empty it's black?
I can't tell because
The blackness has spread to my head
And all my axons have stopped firing

i still see the scars left behind
hidden in the deep folds of my mind

I promise you my name has never sounded so lovely until it was on your lips

the smell of fresh beans
fills by dreams
beckons me forth to my culture, to my people
acceptance is key, but I'm rejected by the world
simply because I don't fit the stereotype
rejected by my people because I don't speak their language

engraved in my heart are the traditions and beliefs of my people
but my body betrays me
I am Mexican
I am American
but the world makes me choose one
because I don't look the way I'm supposed to

my first and my last
my forever and always

the sigh of a feather reminds me of the color of your eyes

there's a cave inside of me
dark and dripping in blackness
it's where i run and hide
when life comes crashing down
some may find it lonely
but don't worry, darling
the echo of my screams and strangled cries
soothe my tears away

I want to capture this feeling in a tiny glass vial
And send it you
And maybe when you get it
You can have a little taste
And maybe if I'm lucky
You'll say
You feel it too

You give me the words I've always wanted to say
The feelings I thought I'd never deserve
The pure and sweet honesty I've always craved
And to simply put it,
my dear,
You are my everything

Sometimes I feel like I've come so far
that I forget how easy it is to fall
down
down
down
to the pit of despair

wrestling with the same old devil
year after year after year after year
I've had it with me
so long
I don't know where
it ends
and
I begin

There's a war in my head
And it won't shut up
I just want to make it stop
But I'm trapped behind the words and the lies
I just want to feel good enough

my heart goes out to you
1,000 miles away
i hope it wraps you up
in warmth and love
i hope you smile bright
when you picture my face
and remember my laugh