I confessed my sins
I let all the toxic filth drip down my face
Come out of my mouth
I showed you my blackened heart
Sitting deep in my chest
I opened my thoughts
And you closed your eyes and pretended
You never saw

i can't seem to breathe without your touch


i can't seem to live without you here

I can't sleep
My heart is wide awake
I can't breathe without your pheromones filling my lungs  
They're like earth and mud and the good kind of sweat all mixed up in one
But I can't quite catch your smell anymore
My heart is left without it's oxygen supply
So I'll stay up and feel my heart slowly suffocate

It's ironic how quick you flee
It's almost funny how fast I tumble back down
But it's not funny
Because rock bottom doesn't feel so nice when you've felt the kisses of the clouds

Climb down into the bright, raspberry red of my heart
Can you hear how it beats for you?

Wrap your ocean arms around me
I want you to pull me into your depths
It's only there that I feel home

Can you tell I'm breathing easier?
Or maybe I'm just breathless

To the man who is supposed to be my hero
You are my villain
To the man who is supposed to be my protector
You are my attacker
To the man who is supposed to lift me
You are the reason I fall down

Where did you go and why did you leave me?
Was I not good enough for your companionship?
I can't remember the last time I felt you around
Did you quietly slip away into the setting sun or were you more like the switch of a light, suddenly gone?
I know it wasn't your fault
It was mine
For changing
For wanting to grow
I pulled away thinking you'd follow along
But you didn't
The string was cut
The sever was left frayed and uneven
And I can't get it back because time doesn't work that way
I want to move forward
But I'm stumbling around in the dark
Waiting for the spark of your love to ignite back inside me

to watch the laughter play across your face
is to watch the sun rise finally break across the horizon

behind my eyes
you're so clear

when i open them
i almost expect you
to be laying there
next to me

but each time
there's only empty space
to match my empty
heart

I would say "I love you forever" but forever still doesn't seem long enough

Today, I watched a dying cockroach try and drag itself across my bathroom floor
It couldn't even drag itself properly

Sometimes I feel like that
Like the dying cockroach who can't even drag itself properly to the unknown safety of beyond

Would you let me hear your heartbeat?
Does it sound the same as mine?
I'm convinced that you're too divine to be made of the same parts as me

I want to hear your heartbeat every night before I sleep
I want to fill in the small pauses between beats with love and joy
I am not worthy of that
But somehow you still let me
You say your heart is mine

How did I ever get so lucky?

I want to be your ocean tide.
Let me pull you in.
You can discover my deep depths.
The parts where the sun can't even reach.

Let me glimmer in the moonlight.
Take a plunge in my waves.

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

I want to feel your arms around me again
The heat of your skin against mine
The way I can feel your heartbeat in your chest

I wish you would see me when the sunlight plays with the colors of  daisies
Can I at least pretend you do?

I want your lips gently pressed on mine
I want to hear your laugh again
I want to breathe in your heavenly smell and forever get lost it
I want to see the way your eyes light up with fire when you look at me

But I can't

Because you're gone

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

I love you

I love you with all my heart and soul

But do I love you enough to let you go?

my love for you fizzled up
like soda left on the counter
like a fish with no water
slowly inhaling what kills it

i don't know when it happened
im not even quite sure why
but sometimes you stepped on my emotional mines without even realizing they were there
exploding inside my heart
ripping me up inside
i know you didn't mean it
but i didn't need someone else making me feel like i wasn't good enough
maybe that's why i pulled away
maybe i was the air that ****** the carbonation out
maybe i drowned myself
i'm sorry i couldn't be what you wanted
i'm sorry i let myself get in the way of our beautiful
i often do that
my emotional scars can be quite fragile
the stitches are still in place
the wounds barely healed
i'm sorry you couldn't make me feel good enough
maybe because you are so much greater
maybe it was just the wrong time
i'm not sure
but i'm sorry

'Hello, old friends' I say
As the voices in my head come rushing in
I thought I got rid of you
I thought I was
Beautiful
Stunning
Gorgeous
Magnificent
They smirk at me
Because we both know those things
Are
Not
True

I'm always giving myself away
Only to find a "Not A Through Street" at the end of each adventure

You say that you love me
I believe you because
I'm drowning in your love
You may think "how romantic"
But it's not
Because it's creeping higher and higher
And I know one day
I won't be able to breathe
It'll slowly creep in
And
Crush my lungs
Your love is killing me

Do you ever  feel like screaming?
Or is that just me?
I want to feel the anger trapped inside my chest burst.
I want to capture in my hands
And eat it alive.
I want to feel it squirm and wiggle with fright
Before I take the first bite.

"You are what you eat," they say.
That's strange.
I don't remember eating this pain.

It's okay to cry
It's okay to fall apart
It's okay to feel the world crushing in around you
It's okay to want to smash your face against a wall
It's okay to feel so empty you question if you're even alive

Is there anyway I could just die without really dying?
Maybe all my atoms could just simply be absorbed back into earth
They could create something more useful and pretty
Maybe my soul could be swept up in the wind
It could whisper sweet messages to all those who need it
Maybe my pain could create a deep, engulfing canyon
And all those who come across it could understand why

There's a war in my head
And it won't shut up
I just want to make it stop
But I'm trapped behind the words and the lies
I just want to feel good enough

i like to turn off my frontal lobe
let my amygdala and limbic lobe start screaming
let them ooze their tears
feel each and every stab
i know it's irrational
maybe it's a little self destructive
but the numbness is always worse than every scar they have caused me
because you see my frontal lobe likes to make me an empty shell
it likes for me to pull away from the pain
and let the darkness eat me alive

i miss the towering, snowcapped mountains
the blue of your eyes
the chill in the air
the warmth of your hands

wrestling with the same old devil
year after year after year after year
I've had it with me
so long
I don't know where
it ends
and
I begin

inadequecy
will be the death of me

the sigh of a feather reminds me of the color of your eyes

i had forgotten what it felt like
the rush
the endless laughter
the smell of you on me
the look you give
the heat of your skin on mine
the way my heart feels
and i wonder how i ever forgot

oh my darling,
i would give you the stars
i would give you the oceans
and all the creatures in the forest
i would build you a universe
full of all the things that make you happy

but oh my darling,
all i have to give you is
my love
my heart
and all you have is
your love
and heart
and that is all i'll ever need
i love every inch

Oh, my love, what I would do to feel the satin of your lips and the taste of your tongue

you were the sweetest man to live
your kindness
your happiness
your love
radiated from your body
I bet Death smiled when he kissed your lips and took your last breath
because even he felt your love

i used to think i was in love
but the depths of that ocean were dangerous
the surfaces were calm and peaceful
but the further i plunged
the darker it got
i became ensnared in the trappings and twistings of you
the storms were always on the horizons
but you convinced that this was how love was
love didn't equal trust

but oh, darling how i've learned to swim in much sweeter waters
the storms are never brewing
the depths are translucent and clean
because
he is much better than you

my heart is filled with thoughts of you
with each breath, my lungs are filled with love
you interrupt my every thought
i crave your touch
my lips need to feel the breath of yours
baby, i don't know what you've done to me
but i'm enjoying every second

tender, soft kisses
clasped, cold hands
the warmth of your breath against my neck
the blue of your eyes
the sound of your voice
the taste of your lips
darling, you don't understand how badly I crave you

i don't like capital letters
their formal figures towering over the others
belittling
mocking
always looking down upon
oh, capital letters
i am tired of you saying i am not good enough
because i know why you hold your nose so high
it's so that you can't smell the rotting of your soul

I love to watch the sunrise
The yellow gold of the sun
Reminds me of the
Yellow gold in your eyes
Each day renewed with the shining of the sun
Each day my love renewes with the shining of your eyes

I don't think I could ever get the words just right
so I guess I'll just stick with
I love you
But oh my dear,
Those are just the start of what you do to my heart

If I am the ocean, you are my moon
With each rise of my tide, my love grows for you
There's not anyone who knows how to pull me in quite like you
Because you see, I believe I was made for you
And you for me
And with each moonrise, I feel the pulling of gravity push me closer to you
My ocean heart skips a beat
The waves come crashing
And one day, my love, we won't be so far
The glistening of my waves will be yours
And the radiance of you will be mine

my heart goes out to you
1,000 miles away
i hope it wraps you up
in warmth and love
i hope you smile bright
when you picture my face
and remember my laugh

I could hold you close to me forever
Feel the beat of your heart against mine
Perfectly in sync
Filled with love
Joy
I am finally complete

i miss you more than words can say
more than the stars miss the moon
more than grass miss the rain
more than you could ever imagine

sometimes I feel like
jealousy
is engraved in me
like feeling
less than
is how I'm supposed to feel
these thoughts ****** me
until I'm drunk with sadness

i know that you were made for me
every inch, every heartbeat
a gift from heaven

you are my song
the beat to my heart
the rhythm in my step
the happiness in my laughter

i like to write in metaphors
but you're the one
i can't grasp
i just can't seem to find anything good enough to compare to you
my words fail me
and it occurs to me that all that is left
are my emotions swimming inside

Now, you know the secrets of my heart
The whispers in my head
That bring me
down
down
down
for years and years and years
I've been stuck in the dark, deep gloom
never pretty enough
never good enough
never enough
There's always something I need to
change
change
change
I want to be yours forever
But this is my forever
Trapped inside lies and feelings of inadequacy
My heart is worn thin
from years of self loathing
So it's sensitive and raw
With any slight wrong step
The Walls go up
My mouth stays closed
Trapped inside
Stuck with the lies of
never enough
I am sorry

I could spend forever
discovering the depths of you
I want to explore every corner
I want to get lost in your heart
That way
I'll always be yours

I want know how you love me
When I'm a complete mess
Stitches barely hanging on
Standing at the edge of the dark valley I just clambered out of
Tear streaked cheeks
The smell of sadness still clinging to my clothes
The echo of those evil words still ring in my head
And you're all wrapped perfectly
So put together
I feel selfish to have you
I feel selfish for burdening you with me

I love the way our names rhyme
Right down to our nicknames
Maybe I'm being a romantic but I feel like it's a sign
A sign that we cannot part
Because everything we say and do is in the perfect iambic pentameter
Measured so fittingly together
In perfect harmony
In a lovely melody
A cadence and rhythm I know all the words to
An overwhelming happiness I can live my life to