the smell of fresh beans
fills by dreams
beckons me forth to my culture, to my people
acceptance is key, but I'm rejected by the world
simply because I don't fit the stereotype
rejected by my people because I don't speak their language

engraved in my heart are the traditions and beliefs of my people
but my body betrays me
I am Mexican
I am American
but the world makes me choose one
because I don't look the way I'm supposed to

There's a war in my head
And it won't shut up
I just want to make it stop
But I'm trapped behind the words and the lies
I just want to feel good enough

my heart goes out to you
1,000 miles away
i hope it wraps you up
in warmth and love
i hope you smile bright
when you picture my face
and remember my laugh

i don't like capital letters
their formal figures towering over the others
belittling
mocking
always looking down upon
oh, capital letters
i am tired of you saying i am not good enough
because i know why you hold your nose so high
it's so that you can't smell the rotting of your soul

You asked me what all my scars meant
Well, my love, I've spent years of my life self loathing
This big one right here is from the months I fell to sleep wishing I'd never wake up
And the numerous ones right here are from all the times I've felt inadequate
And these scarlet ones are from the times I felt so angry that I had to be me
These quiet ones here are from all the times I knew I needed help but never said a word
And all these skinny ones here are for the times that I hated this body that I live inside and for the times the mirror in my head liked to tell me lies
These are for the times I felt like I was drowning in frustration because I never matched the perfect person my brain wanted me to be
And these are for the time I felt so lost and trapped inside my head
These are for the times I let my happiness be defined by an immature boy who saw the the start of these wounds and never bothered to ask me why
I've waged a wicked war with myself
I cried and yelled and yearned to be everything except me

My scars are healing
The blood of my own words has long been washed away
And here they all are for you to see my past in all it's pitiful glory
But please don't worry
I am okay
The wars have stopped
I may stumble and have a scuffle from time to time
But I am okay, really, I promise

I don't think I've ever met someone as special as you
You could hold my heart forever
You're filled with tender sweetness  
You're my refuge
You're my greatest adventure
You're only made up of kindness
You're the missing joy in my life
Your very existence fascinates me
You're
You
And quite frankly I couldn't imagine anyone better

I could write you a million love poems
But I still don't think they would be able to capture the feelings in my chest
Because when I look at you
words suddenly fail me
And my heart is at a loss
Because I don't know how I ever lived without you
And now I don't ever want to
Because you're the answer to my questions
The beginning of the end
You
Are
Mine
And I'll want that forever

i like to turn off my frontal lobe
let my amygdala and limbic lobe start screaming
let them ooze their tears
feel each and every stab
i know it's irrational
maybe it's a little self destructive
but the numbness is always worse than every scar they have caused me
because you see my frontal lobe likes to make me an empty shell
it likes for me to pull away from the pain
and let the darkness eat me alive

I don't think I could ever get the words just right
so I guess I'll just stick with
I love you
But oh my dear,
Those are just the start of what you do to my heart

sometimes you make me want to cry
not because I'm sad
quite the opposite, in fact
i can't contain this love i feel
it spills over and splashes on everything

i like to write in metaphors
but you're the one
i can't grasp
i just can't seem to find anything good enough to compare to you
my words fail me
and it occurs to me that all that is left
are my emotions swimming inside

the difference between being in your life
and
being a part of your life
is like the difference between
a pond and a lake
you just know it when you see it
and i just know it when i feel it

the sigh of a feather reminds me of the color of your eyes

I could hold you close to me forever
Feel the beat of your heart against mine
Perfectly in sync
Filled with love
Joy
I am finally complete

I promise you my name has never sounded so lovely until it was on your lips

I'm going to be honest, my sweet love
I never meant to fall in love with you
But as soon as I started falling,
I couldn't stop
Like a downward pull of an ocean current
The waters of your love fills up my lungs
And I promise you,
They are the sweetest breaths I have ever taken

my heart is filled with thoughts of you
with each breath, my lungs are filled with love
you interrupt my every thought
i crave your touch
my lips need to feel the breath of yours
baby, i don't know what you've done to me
but i'm enjoying every second

i know that you were made for me
every inch, every heartbeat
a gift from heaven

My heart aches with the longing of you
There's no one else who fits me quite so right
This distance is killing me
I need to feel your touch
I don't think I can make it much longer without the sensation of your lips on me
But I'd wait forever if that's what it took
Because I love you
My heart is yours
I am yours
I used to have this fear that I was never good enough
But it's different this time
This distance is killing me
I want to show you how I feel with tender kisses and warm hand holding
My heart may ache
But I will always love you

I feel as if I'm wearing a t shirt soaked in my past sadness
Always slightly weighing me down
I don't want my past to be the whole sum of me
But it seems like all the numbers are adding up quite nicely

oh my darling,
i would give you the stars
i would give you the oceans
and all the creatures in the forest
i would build you a universe
full of all the things that make you happy

but oh my darling,
all i have to give you is
my love
my heart
and all you have is
your love
and heart
and that is all i'll ever need
i love every inch

you make me want to write poetry
and paint the sky with this feeling inside
breathe in your heartbeat
run through the clouds
and swim through the ocean of you
this time I'm never letting go
because now I know
there's only one you
only one of this feeling
the only one who makes me want to write poetry

My heart is torn in two
But I still can't give one half to you

The confusion in my heart is weighing me down
It's filling my body
My brain is giving up
The fog is too thick
My heart is too heavy

i miss you more than words can say
more than the stars miss the moon
more than grass miss the rain
more than you could ever imagine

my time before you was a blur
full of darkness
full of tears
being 'in love' was a blood stricken war
waged with myself
because i was never quite enough

but you fill me up with love and joy
and all those years i spent
wasting away, clinging to the dread that lived inside my head
all fade away
i'd do it all over again if i had to
because you are worth it all
every fight and every tear

You're just talking faces
Your eyes are blind
Your ears do not hear
You continue to talk at me
Never seeing the pain your causing
Never hearing the words I'm speaking
So I've learned to stay quiet
Leave my feelings deep inside
Because you're just talking faces

I love the way our names rhyme
Right down to our nicknames
Maybe I'm being a romantic but I feel like it's a sign
A sign that we cannot part
Because everything we say and do is in the perfect iambic pentameter
Measured so fittingly together
In perfect harmony
In a lovely melody
A cadence and rhythm I know all the words to
An overwhelming happiness I can live my life to

I could spend forever
discovering the depths of you
I want to explore every corner
I want to get lost in your heart
That way
I'll always be yours

The words are stuck in my head
And every time I try to get them out
To ask for help
My mouth becomes a trap door
Shut tight
A black hole
With so much inside
That nothing can get out

tender, soft kisses
clasped, cold hands
the warmth of your breath against my neck
the blue of your eyes
the sound of your voice
the taste of your lips
darling, you don't understand how badly I crave you

You give me the words I've always wanted to say
The feelings I thought I'd never deserve
The pure and sweet honesty I've always craved
And to simply put it,
my dear,
You are my everything

I've started to feel you pull away
You're a leaky sink
Slowly but surely leaving me behind
drip drop
my heart is silently breaking
drip drop
I don't know how to stop this
drip drop
I think there's something wrong with my faucet
Because no matter how hard I twist there's always the drip drop of you

I want to breathe you in
and know every inch of you
The deep thoughts in your mind you keep so hidden, guarded up and locked away
I want to know them all
Oh my dear, my love, my everything
Let me swim in your oceans
Unlock the gates
and make you mine forever

i am neither here nor there
but i think of you everywhere

i still see the scars left behind
hidden in the deep folds of my mind

I want know how you love me
When I'm a complete mess
Stitches barely hanging on
Standing at the edge of the dark valley I just clambered out of
Tear streaked cheeks
The smell of sadness still clinging to my clothes
The echo of those evil words still ring in my head
And you're all wrapped perfectly
So put together
I feel selfish to have you
I feel selfish for burdening you with me

I love to watercolor paint
To watch one color bleed into another
Because that's really what we all are
Bleeding hearts
Waiting for another color to come along
To bleed into
And make the perfect shade of an in between color

Have you ever felt so free
Almost like you were on fire
Like you have the oceans to yourself to swim and explore
Like the clouds were yours
Like every breath of air felt like precious gifts of life and you just want to scream with joy

Because if you haven't
I want you to have mine

There once was a boy with summer sky colored eyes.
His mouth was made of wild raspberries.
His laugh of falling leaves.
He fell in love with a girl with trees in her eyes.

There was once was a girl with trees in her eyes.
Her mouth was made of rosebuds.
Her laugh of rushing waterfall.
She fell in love with a boy with summer sky colored eyes.

His hands were made of water.
When he touched her,
Her strawberry heart grew.
And grew.
And grew.
And grew.
She bathed in his summer eyes.
She tasted his wild raspberries
And always wanted more.
She danced in his falling leaves.

She lived to see the sunshine sparkle in those summer eyes.
To feel his water hands
Ingulf her in his sea.

But then the summer sky eyes filled with icy snow.
Her strawberry heart gave a sorrowful squeeze.

He told her he had to leave.

But he told her he would be back.
He kissed her rosebud mouth one last time.

And flew away.

The trees died.
The rosebuds stopped blooming.
The waterfall stopped rushing.
The strawberry heart grew still and quiet.

She looked.
And looked.
And looked.
And looked
For those summer sky eyes.

She saw
The deep blue of oceans,
The emptiness of a cloud covered night sky,
And honey filled hives.
Even green colored lemon trees.
But never the color of summer sky.

She thought they were gone forever.

But he was her forever.

He flew back to her.

She saw the summer eyes again,
When she thought she had stopped looking.
Her trees shook with raindrops.
His water hands engulfed her.
She felt the pulsing of his waves.
He said "I told you I would come back to you."

And she floated in his summer sky eyes forever.

I know it's your fault
You even said it

But then why do I feel like this
Like sadness is dropping off my body as if I'm drenched in sweaty sorrow
Like I'm drowning in my own self hate as if I'm the one holding my own head down under my own self pity

Because a part of me
Feels like
I couldn't even keep you
Interested enough

I used to hate making decisions
Well, until I met you
Because you see, I never knew where I was going
I'd think I found my path
And then guess what?
Surprise, surprise there'd be a fork in the road
The pressure to choose would eat me alive
The water would rise above my head until finally at the last second I would find my way again

And then
I met you
With your all your love I love to swim in
And your careful words filled with honesty and truth
And with your soft kisses
Because oh, when you kiss me,
I promise I've never felt so beautiful

And now I know where I'm going
I know that all the paths that I've choosen have all led up to
You

i miss you
so much
it's almost
*paralyzing

I'll love you for as long as
Snape loved Lily