as you walk towards me
i am undone
as your lips unravel my very being
i am yours
how many times must i die
to finally live
what cup must i drink from
to save myself from becoming  
what i fear
in your arms  I have found
the realm between heaven and earth
you are my cup
i will have my fill

I never quite  noticed how many places a single person could be at once
until the day you were gone

my hands are slightly colder,
without yours intertwined to keep them warm

my bed is a bit emptier
without you to take up all the room

the crevice between my neck and shoulder
where I used to feel your warm breath now hangs with stale air

mix tapes overflowing with rhyme and melody
play with echoes through my car stereo
there's no one listening anymore

I don't know what it was, but that night I fell in love with her. I didn't prepare for this. The way she danced under the cheap Christmas lights holding her cup. The way she said my name in my ear. The way I could taste Jager on her lips. The way she laid in my bed. I don't know what it was, but that night I fell in love with her.

It's 3 am. Again.
I'm wide awake.
There's no reason for you to haunt me
And yet,
the permanent ache residing in my chest
is starting to feel normal.
I've begun to forget
the life I had before this.
I'm hollowed out,
my insides scraped away
by everything and nothing at all.
At night, I reminisce
half-fantasying a life we never lived.
And dully, I remember all the places our bodies met
but never touched.
My thoughts run away from me again.
I think of you. I think of me. I think of us.
No. There was never an us.
Not really.
There was always a space in between,
So we'd never had to feel.
And still, your departure has left me with a wound too deep to ever heal.

today I reconnected with my best friend from freshmen year and she couldn't stop talking about how much she missed her friends from the simpler time and she didn't even mention a word about the boy who broke her heart in January, which led her into a rapid downfall that included drugs and alcohol and self manipulation. when I brought him up, she chuckled a little and said, "oh yeah, I haven't thought about him in a long time" and I swear to god, it felt like a stab in my heart because I remember being heartbroken with her in late January when you spit on my heart and threw salt in my wounds and we promised each other that in a few years they wouldn't matter anymore, but I'm still here two years later and the tables are turned and I'm drowning in alcohol and drugs and self manipulation and she is recovered and beautiful, and I swear it's like *everyone is able to heal and recover from an catastrophe except me.

i love you. i do, i really do. and i’m sorry if it freaks you out sometimes, but these feelings are so overwhelmingly strong that it shakes my whole system even after 2 am. i dream of you constantly and it horrifies me because they seem so real — as if i could still feel it, taste it, remember it like it happened yesterday.

i love you, and it’s scary to think that your words can break me anytime, any moment. i am vulnerable to you, and i think it’s both beautiful and sad how i easily & effortlessly gave it all up just so i could be with you. there’s just something — God knows what — that made me want to be with you even though i’m aware that you’re galaxies away from me.

i love you, and i love how i feel beautiful when you say that you are in love with me too. God, you are my favorite. i must admit that i have kissed & loved enough boys to know what brokenness truly feels like, but you mended me just like i’m something familiar, something you’ve been fixing your entire life. it’s a sick, mad world we’re living in, but you make it seem less agonizing whenever i hear you say those three words at 3 am, 4 pm, or 11 pm.

i’m in love with you, and it’s more intoxicating than the cigarettes and the alcohol i’ve taken in my whole life combined, and i don’t even want to be sober. you are the high even without the drug. you are the euphoria even without the ******* (beautiful) fireworks. you are the emotion even without the words.

i love you, and it’s okay if you can’t put it into words — how you feel — because even the silence i spend with you is enough to give me butterflies in my empty stomach. i don’t know what time it is, but it’s past midnight, and i’m still writing about you. i am a mess for and because of you, and my handwriting is proof. you shake my system even when you’re not there, and my dear, this is rare.

i love you dearly, with all honestly, and with all faithfulness. and i can’t help but think about you, every **** day. you’re both my drug and my antidote. my poem. my sunlight, my stars. my soul.

and i hope you love me too, as much as i love you.

I've always been slightly obsessed
with the human mind.
It just fascinates me.

How is it that one second
a person can be a stranger.
And yet, one second later,
they become your whole life.

I'm not sure if it's the way you first looked at me,
like for once in my life
I was being looked at and not through.
Or maybe it's how you made me feel like finally,
I wasn't so alone.

It's been 625 days
since that first look.
And now I'm right back where I started.

Transparent.