I kissed another man yesterday
He wasn’t you, but does that matter?
Do you even care? I doubt it…
So why do I feel like this?

I let his lips sink into mine
I allowed it, heck, I kissed him back
My mind immediately rushed to you
But this felt good, and lately
I don’t even know where are you

You’ve been missing, missed
Work, you’re busy, business trips
It’s not like there was something
Why does it feel like times changing?

I miss you, dear eternal
Maybe I imagined thats what
Your lips would feel like
If I ever got to kiss you

Here’s a man that’s sweet and kind
We dance, we talk, but I’m not blind
We’re new here, seeking refuge in the other
Its convenient, and he smells of sweet lime

Is this wrong? Am I hurting you?
God, I wish you’d care about this
Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so
Crazy for missing you for missing
Something that never existed

He pulled back and asked me
Was that okay? I smile and say
Yeah, that’s definitely okay
He intertwines his fingers with mine
I breathe out a deep sigh
Wishing those hands were yours

We had a lovely evening
Kisses, caresses, soulful tunes
Dancing however we felt
I felt quite free, we
Laughed with a lot of glee

I told him I’m not looking
For anything or anyone
He said its okay, I still like you
That’s a dangerous game

I like him, that is still true
But, dear love,
He’s just not you.

I doubt you’ll see this but
I want you to know I’m thinking of you
I want you to know I wish I could be there
To hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay

I may not feel the way I used to
But id do everything in my power
To try to ease the pain away
However I’ve learnt I cannot help
So it pains me to know I should stay away

I just hope you know
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To help you feel a little better
To show you that there’s hope
To take comfort in this weather

I’m here for you
Even if it seems like I’m not
It pains me deeply to stay away
But I’ve caused enough harm
Take care, my dear Essam.

The storms never last forever
You’ll find your four leaf clover
Till then, if its all I can do
I’ll keep praying for you.

The way you look at me
The burnt orange in your sleeve
The piercing glare that holds me
The touch strong yet soft as the sea

The way you listen intently
Without saying a single word
Emotions flowing off your face
Hours with unwavering presence

The way you clutch me gently
The way you say I’ll be okay
I actually believe you
I want to prove those words true.

The way you call me sayang,
Oh the way it pierces my heart
Mending the gaps and wounds
It feels like a flower beginning to bloom

The love in your voice, as you say
Sayang, I know you’ll be okay
Sayang, don’t you want to rest today?
Sayang, we’ll eat what you want today
Sayang, its your day.

You say that everyday, I protest
No! I don’t! You sneakily grin
I roll my eyes, feeling blessed
You twirl me and I spin

Opening your arms wide
Embracing me from deep within
Never, have I felt so seen
Letting me rest, I learn further in

You wrap your arms around me
Mending all my broken pieces together
Somehow saying its all me
You kiss my forehead and say
God is with me

Forever in a second,  staying embraced
Chests rising and falling in unison
We’re in perfect sync, breaths away
There is only peace in this space

Oh how wonderful it feels, to be safe.
I so wish you could keep me in this embrace
I really wish you didn’t have to let go
My soul will stay dancing, deep in this tango.

One last time, how will I choose to spend it
I can choose me, or I can let the moment
Take over reality, and get lost in time
Would that make me regret?

I leave in less than 24 hours
We have even less than that
How do I want to spend it?
Putting myself first?

Keeping my walls up?
Or tearing them down
And seeing how flying
Can feel like falling

You’re walking towards me
Eyes shining bright with glee
Excited, I clutch the wheel tightly,
So the answer is I guess we’ll see

it started with a long drive
It continued with good music
a tragedy twisted the tale
and it ended in a sky full of stars

more stars than you’d ever seen, you said
the air was cold, as it was crisp
lightning shuddered the sky from a distance
Seeing the skyline of the city from afar
I can’t remember the last time
I saw something so beautiful
I breathed it in deep, holding onto the memory.

You let me fall asleep
As you took the wheel
Taking me right home
Look, its another sunrise!

trees, I see myself in a forest
I breathe in the smell of leaves
Yet I simply closed my eyes in concrete
While you fell asleep on my shoulder

So many questions arose the first time
Direction, definition, purpose, intention?
And manifested itself into solidified anxiety
Man oh man did that terrify me

No, I won’t let this taint the beautiful space
I know how hard I worked to get to this
Breathe, in, out, we’ve got the strength it needs
****, alright so we’re doing this

Shame and embarrassed, I looked down
Do you want me to sit somewhere else you asked
Its okay, I can just look away as I say
Breathe, this can’t be that terrifying

So I asked you, I asked you
Every question occupying my mind
Bluntly, no sugar coats, in its rawest form
And I told you, I told you
Every answer clouding my mind

And with that, I felt so free
And with that, sleeping on bean bags had
Never felt so restful
And with that, anxiety free
Love is felt just with a hand under my head

It feels so good to be free
Tied to less than a week
But yet,
I am free.

I smell the trees
As you rest peacefully.

Yes I am pushing everyone away
Yes I hurt everyone close to me
Yes I am shutting myself in
Yes I know no one can help me this way

This is the only way I know how to feel
This is the only way I know how to be numb
I’d like to believe my doors are soldered shut
I just wish someone would care to knock
Let alone break them down
You hear the screams
They’re just tears

I don’t bite, I promise

I was calm, peaceful, content
Then you came along an it was lively
As time went by it just turned to anxiety
It peaked, the anxiety overwhelmed me
And then, once again the depression set

You’re the last one I thought would trigger this
Feeling worthless, empty, without meaning
Fun metaphors we made A & B, thinking
That someone who’s B could never hurt me
I laugh from the depths of this well
Maybe with this echo, there’s a way out

I worry, I worry so much once again
You’re so stiff, all of them as they led me
I wanted to say, I know, I wish I could relax
The pain I feel inside barely allows me to move
Let alone twirl and dance the way I used to love
Even that has been tainted by you
Yet I am not angry, just void of feeling

I worry, I worry so much its all crashing down
My time, my mental space I sacrificed
To think I could make a difference in someone
I was just sabotaging myself concurrently hurting you
Man, how I wish what I did brought some benefit
Maybe then I could sleep in peace

Now I might not have a job anymore
I might not have a home
I might have no friends
And I might have no direction
I might have absolutely no one

These were my choices
This is my karma
Ive lived before and I can live again
So comes, as so goes

But hey, maybe I’ve still got me
And I guess that’s worth something
Even if everyone thinks its not.
So comes, as so goes

I’ll find another sense of meaning

*******
*******, for asking me to open up
*******, for using that as fuel to shame me
*******, for hurting me exactly where I begged you not to.

***** you, for pretending soft voices and nice words are compassion
***** you, for taking my words out of context
***** you for acting like you understand and then changing your mind
***** you, for making me feel seen for a moment before turning me into a villain

You praise me for the compassion I gave
For the shame I was without
The empathy I scraped from the bottom of my soul
Hoping, praying maybe this person will give this to me the moment I need it
You silly girl, haven’t you learned your lesson
People always turn
They don’t just leave you empty,
They take everything they can salvage and then some
Leave you with absolutely nothing but self hatred, when you were just fine
And still make you the villain

And you say you have love to give
Stop ******* kidding yourself, silly girl
The only love you’re ever going to receive is the one you give yourself
Why do you still hope that what you give could be returned?
They only know how to take, how to hurt
And then say that you were never there

When will you ever learn your lesson
That’s what they all tell me to do,
Why do you care Kisha?
Why do you do so much for them?
I see pain, I see pain I’ve felt and I want to make it go away, because no one did this for me
Maybe it will bring some solace, some good
Stop ******* caring
I wish I ******* knew how.

You say you hurt
Well good. The care always goes to those who are asking for it, showing their emotions
You’ll find another one to care for you
And I’m stuck in this dark empty hole

Where no one sees me
I’ll stay here where no one sees my pain
The place Ive always been in
You shamed me even for that, ha!
Show your feelings you said
****** *******.

Make me the villain, go on
Do it. I dare you.
You’ll just be another one who’s never seen me
What makes you special?
Join the crowd
We’ll host a party.
At least I’ll be laughing
No one’s sleeping tonight

Let this cruel nature seep out again
I’m ready for you
And let me remember this every time I enjoy the pain I inflict onto myself
So sweet, don’t think twice, ah yes
This is exactly why we do this
I’m never letting someone tell me otherwise again
How foolish, from fools who have never seen me
To tell me how to live?
Ive got one thing to say to you
*******.

…for what, exactly?
One day you wish for tulips
The next its climbing volcanoes
Another it’s lazing with cabernet
Maybe seeing the skylines from above
How dare you even try wish for love?

I once read that if you truly want something
You need to make space for it to have being
Space for it to grow, nurture, breathe
Maybe I misunderstood what that was
Maybe leaving myself empty wasn’t the answer
Maybe not trying to fill it with busy thoughts  
Maybe not quieting my hopes, wants, dreams.

Oh simple mind, how easily you’re mistaken
You want the tulips, hydrangeas, lilies
Yet also the mountains, waterfalls, trees
And the comforting embrace of a home
Didn’t you learn, my dear?
You can’t have it all

I think I exist in a place called a dream
Born there, grown up in a daydream
In a place where fairytales take heed
I hear the sound of quacking ducks, and geese
Maybe its my refuge to seek comfort in
A world that exists only in my mind
Alice in wonderland, no wonder you were kind.

But whether it’s a fallacy in my mind
Or something that unfolds in this dimension
I’ll accept the insanity if it brings me there
I gleefully accept that any day over
The mediocrity they try to feed me
You see, the thing is,
I still believe.

I still believe its out there
I still believe my love is mine to give
And one day I’ll receive it too
Without sacrificing the lilies
Nor the mountains and tulips
Should that drive me to insanity
I happily accept the calamity.

I’ll keep waiting
I’ll keep believing
I’ll keep giving
Most of all,
I’ll keep loving.

Peace, a simple yet meaningful symbol
To some it is calm through a storm
For others it is a ray of hope
To a few, a hippie stereotype
To us, it meant forever, or
At least it did

Those three lines enclosed by a circle
Such an odd little symbol, isn’t it
I often wondered how it came to be
And mean so much, to so many
I guess it’s just funny

Its been so long, I almost forgot the story
About how we promised forever no matter
What came between us, pain, loves, glory
Solace, we’d have each other when it got cloudy
You committed to it, so it seems
But only with your words and body
I might not of done the same but my
Heart was in it all the same

I wonder if it ever hurts when you look at that
Symbol, even the one burned into your body
Or is it just me, who sees it in everything
Even though I did not do as we promised
Maybe if I did, it would mean a little less to me

Funny thing, memory
It seems to serve you well
Maybe if I burn some light
Into me, it will try as well
Maybe I’ll forget all that I want to
Just like you already do

Maybe you’ve made up another story
To cover up that little symbol of joy
One that you’ve somehow believed
I’ll take comfort in knowing that we
Once knew, that peace was ours to be

I’ll take comfort in knowing there’s
A little piece of the old you in there
the little peace symbol you swear
An undying place where you care

Even if it only exists in a few inches
Of skin that’s been burned in
I’ll take refuge in there
I think my friend’s still in there.

I'm trying to find the right metaphor for the storm
but I ended up mumbling your name.
I can hear your bones break like thunder.
I can hear your cries against my windowpane,
thousands of miles from where you are.

You never thought I would stop running but I did.
I still remember the day when you beg my heart to settle down.
I still remember our little dance in the terrace,
two young people in the night,
experiencing forever in twelve hours.

You were the reason why I feel sad over the sound
of singing crickets and heartbeats.
You were the reason why I stop leaving things unfinished.

A friend called and told me how you're doing.
I wonder if your scars still hurt when it rains.
I want to cover your shoulder with words and moonlight until it softens.
Until you stop putting your hand on your chest at 2AM to keep it from howling.

I don't remember what type of storm you are anymore,
But I still remember you when it rains.

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

I’m trying to hold on
I really am
So much effort into it
But where is it all going
I’m tired, so tired

It’s funny how easily
I can fake a smile that
Everyone believes
Funny, a word I
Like to use instead
Of sad

Once again, well aware
That all of this makes no sense
So much to be thankful for
Others, hell I, envied being here
So tell me why is this unending
Darkness consuming me

I’m fighting it, I truly am
But I am tired, so tired
Of feeling this empty
Can I just let the night
Wash over me, till I
Cease to be

A cowardices crutch they say
The urge to flee, run away
Another venue, the same sorrow
This rabbit is tired of her burrow

Dear lord Please
Let me know
When its finally
Time to go.

Maybe then I’ll get to see
You again in heaven
Or maybe I won’t
Who knows

I want to believe that
You’re right here with me
That you’ve always been
You just feel a little distant lately

Maybe I’m just holding on to you
Because maybe you’re the only one
Who could ever love a broken soul like me
Is it so wrong that I want to give up
Just so that I can be with you again?

I need you
I miss you so much
I feel so alone in this world
I’m losing my mind
I need you
I’m not as strong as you said I was
I need you

To everyone else I am just a stranger.
To you, I am your daughter.

today was the first day
after over four months
that I created art from food
the first time since
I left that place
I once called home

It is seemingly meaningless
So typical, so insignificant
But I felt the deep stinging pain
The one of not belonging
The one of fear, of loneliness
The one that slapped me
right across the face

How could something I
once loved so be deeply
poisoned by a memory
pushed so deep down
I barely remember it

My body, betrays me
with these crippling feelings
of pain, anxiety, my world
starts to blur, shake

They told me I was getting better
I was stupid enough to believe
Healing, such a silly phrase
I mock now, to mask the pain.

I cannot feel this now
I cannot feel this now
I do not feel for you
maybe if I keep saying
it will become true

hold me, while I
break and
fall apart,
won't you?

why do I do this to myself.

I will miss you
Oh, I will miss you so
a longing I feel now
even with you so close

alas I will look back
with sadness and joy
reminiscing how you
after an eternity
made me feel
alive
once again.

for that, I am grateful
and for that,
I will miss you.

One day ill stop staring at the screen of your chat
Waiting for something to come
Waiting for sweet words once again
Even though its been months

One day I’ll stop waiting for you to come back
One day I’ll stop hoping to see your car on the highway even to pass a glance
One day I’ll stop hoping you’ll love me even a slight amount of how I hopelessly love you

One day, I’ll stop hoping that you’re thinking of me
One day I’ll stop hoping that you’ve asked about me
One day I’ll stop hoping that you dreamt of a life with me
One day … my mind will be at peace without the thought of you in it
One day, I will not feel every ounce of heartbreak coursing through my fragile being from you leaving me so harshly
One day, I wont see your face shouting “Go”, right at me to get out of your car, to leave
An image burned into my mind
One day, maybe the pain will go away.

And although today may not be that day
I will persevere
One day.

everyday i fall deeper and deeper
into this bottomless pit of love for you
my dearest love, how you ****** me so
drawing in my mind and soul
into the depths of your never ending wonder

in bewilderment I sit, that one
so gracefully entwined with the universe
can even prove to exist
thankful to my senses to experience you

my love, I have lived years before you
But I have not felt the blood rushing through my veins
my love, I have heard the birds chirping
But I have not felt their singing in my heart

for even if one day you cease to exist
i saw colour
i heard sounds
i felt joy
i experienced love

all because
of you.

the warmth in my heart glows from the centre
the centre so radiant and full expands to all my chest
oh my dear sweet love, oh how I melt so
my darling, you are my centre, my middle, my heart

chocolate skin tender and tough
bristly cheeks unafraid to show lines of joy
light that reflects specs of diamonds in your eyes
I shed tears imagining your loving glance

providing a home through sweat and blood
shelter for a body is simple to what you have outdone
given my soul, my heart and my body in wholeness
accepted into a home so sweet I pray to stay

through my angered flashes and words
through my impatient huffs and tensed hours
not once have you shown an inch of tire
only flowing kindness through your sweet supple lips

I will be blessed to be able
to spend a lifetime exploring your heart
such a beautiful mind he encases
in a tender warm face
I wish to hold for all my days
Hair fine and dark I wish to stroke
give all my love to this man
who is an angel in disguise
oh my dear, dear protector
How I love you so.

my dear, sweet man
how I love you so.

do you ever ask yourself
if everything you feel and experience
is just settling for something
because you've let the truest one
slip through your fingers
never to be seen again
worst still, never again
to be felt

ink flows from my pen onto the
painfully blank starchy paper
the lines form words then sentences
still, those sentences mean nothing

my chest vibrates and moves
sounds echo through my throat
my tongue strings them together into
an encapsulating phrase yet, insignificant

the dance of my wrists with a pen
the rhythmically pressured air of voice
from a vessel with a soul lacking meaning
unable to communicate my truest emotions

with thoughts never to see the light of day
endless trapped inside that I could never say
the puppeteer within strayed far from her puppet
dancing along a floor dreadfully covered by carpet.

who are you
what on earth are you doing
doesn't he love me?
am i that desperate for love?
do i need it?

maybe i am too hollow for this
it will hurt to leave him
it will hurt very much
but I need to salvage my self-respect
he did not take it away from me
but i am letting it

why
why am i doing this to myself
why am i doing this
you are just
trusting everything he is saying
but how much do you know is the truth
you are
letting your guard down
lower and lower each time and now
have only so much left you
have concealed
what if once he has seen it all
he leaves you open, scarred
vulnerable.
he loses nothing

you are bare, hurt and betrayed
once again
can you really bear the pain
i dont like to be put down
yet he is so real with me
is that not good
to gain feedback criticism and learning
at the expense of what
i am falling in love and hence
i am afraid
afraid i will be blinded
******* and bound in shackles
enslaved to this man whom
all i can say is
he is kind
and he is a good man.

is that enough?
what if i lose myself
i can not afford to do that
never again
but will i, with this man
it seems so likely
is it on me

i must be strong
i must be strong
i must be strong
what i want
is just as valid as what
anyone wants and more importantly
what he wants but his is all i care about

what i know and see
is just as valid as what he can see
my perspectives may not be as
experienced as his
but they are experienced differently
and experienced nonetheless

if i need remind myself these thing already
am i already being dominated
subconsciously
if he has already hinted at parting ways
how can i stick around to see if
he will break my heart
i feel out of control
it is new
i am afraid

afraid enough to leave?
one that does indeed keep me happy
maybe i am simply being silly
all can be talked about
but there is this voice inside me
screaming

reminding me to always
remind myself to be careful
so very careful

yet all i want to do
is likened to standing at the edge of a
cliff beside a waterfall onlooking a
crystal clear lagoon
take a deep breath which will be the only certainty i have, the air in my lungs
and jump.

How do you become a writer
First you take a whole heart
One that can’t shine brighter
Slowly but surely rip it apart

And in sewing the ragged patches
You in the darkness of a lions den
Wishing the fathomable pain of scratches
Final saviour, some of us found in a pen

maybe the reason you run from some people
is because you are afraid to see yourself within them

Strong urges for release, to escape
Energy to break away, change I may
Give it time they always say
Who are they to promise another day
The start, the end, we never get to stay.

Questions I hold inside far too many
Keep silent keep it together or its insanity
Look right its a cliff, left, the gun clocked
Forward it holds the keys, the keys, then
Tell me why I can’t look ahead with peace

No, I, keep searching
always astray
they keep saying
not to walk away

Why , why do we walk this path
we say is written , I wanna run
not write our own with passion, rhythm
You know the song  the one we all
dance to, it is singing deep from your soul
But we keep it buried, from the fear,

We are dying
not from growing old
but selling our souls.

Scattered thoughts empty mind
Devils workshop but devil to who
Evil is only evil when its bad to you
To those who benefit is this still true?

They tell you whats good whats bad
What you feel in your heart is it the same
A preprogrammed machine but we still think
Blessed are those with the courage to question

Why do some things not make sense

humans are such confused creatures.
indeed what muddles our minds so
more than wanton desires and curious pain
like blind hamsters trapped in a vicious wheel

is it not such a muddle
to attempt at pretending nothing comes to feeling  
when all that is desired is protection from
unable to simply unfeel the past stings

hold me close but do not hold me tight
when i look into your eyes i see light
fear overwhelms me to run in fright
what comes after the joys of the night?

happiness if its the truth of the word
overcomes me in waves of washing glee
smiles that can't be helped but painted
on a face once believed barren

too good to be true an endless ponder
does this feeling come time bound
or restrained by hidden conditions
surely something intricately wonderful
cannot be so simple?

guards up, defenses strong
holding an indifferent glare
treading, walking, running on this path
confidence strongly shielded from attack

charged on the embodiment of strength
adorning armor of pain and feeling
crafted in bitter portrayal and forged
with the much hurt he had caused

presumptuous ego from long nonchalance
a journey coldly carved so clearly forward
time only reaffirming the deepened beliefs
that the unguarded to feeling are indeed weak

unbeknownst to the soldier, a universe
would soon make itself known, inescapable
dawning in the most inconspicuous ways
it would seem as though it were all his doing

creeping in oh so subtly, fear greets the soldier
alas! The enigmatic enemy slipped his defenses
the birth of emotion announces itself gallantly
fireworks shoot through his long barren skies

never anticipating that his ultimate defeat
would be through brown eyes so kind
they bring life to a heart deadbeat
hope illuminating a hallowed mind

by falling into the trap so greatly feared
he found solace within unending chaos
bridging insanity an epiphany so sure
he had lost nothing that was his

in belonging an ego is not owed to man
rather amass the one treasure which he
had long been running from in twisted irony
accepting fate that he, possibly was worthy
After all love, he finally embraced his savior.

i like my flavours strong, and not at all balanced
sour, salty, way too spicy, burning my tongue
and i guess that says a lot about me.

write write stop,
some call it loss
some call it a writer's block
i call it a run from
seeing things so real
they terrify you

this one is not meant to rhyme
not meant to fit stanzas in lines
rather open up a filled black hole
with sorrows regret guilt of escape

this one is meant to show
its okay to not know
its okay to fall down
even if it happens
again and again
and you don't quite
know where to go
its okay not to know

as long as you get up
you want to learn
you try to grow
you know you want
to be a good person

the fight still lives in you
even if the light's been turned off
you can't quite see it anymore
its there, trust me its there
i believe in you

with all your flaws
your beautiful curves that don't fit
that don't match what they tell you
that fabulous uniqueness, oh my
it leaves you extraordinary

i believe in you
keep going.

love is a trap
don't fall for it
mind stops working
eyes stop seeing
body too much feeling
you don't see how
its actually killing you
suicide that isn't
actually sweet

Stay in the dark
Thoughts dissolve into the ether
Seeping in the all consuming numb

Stay in the dark
Worries fade to be never mattered
Air filled lungs now breathe the night

Stay too long in the dark
Self dwindling ceasing to be a part
Of everything once believed real